This past week has been a tough one. I would say one of the toughest since October 4th (just speaking for me of course). Craig hasn't felt good the majority of the week. I do want them to find a cause for his pain while they are replacing his stet tomorrow so that we can find a solution. Does he need to be on an additional Rx? Does he need to lose his gallbladder? Does he need to be restricted on foods? We just need some answers. His "good" week has gotten to the point where it is worse than his "bad/chemo" week. At least we know how to manage nausea and we know that he sleeps on chemo weeks. At least we know what to expect. The off weeks have been a hodge-bodge of guessing games which with a prognosis that this disease carries is unbelievably stressful. This stress has lead to ridiculous arguments and breaks downs that is is hard to pick up the pieces afterwards. There hasn't been much on the blog this week not b/c there hasn't been a lot going on but it has been such a hard week that is it hard to put into words what goes on in this house some days.
Friday we met with the nutritionist and got a lot of advice on what he should take and avoid when it comes to nutrition. I will share some of those fun facts with later but there seems to be a difference in opinion with this house on how important nutrition plays in the health of a cancer patient. I won't get into the details of that debate b/c quite frankly it has gotten over the top heated.
This is just a really hard walk. I want this disease out of my house to never return. I don't want my kids to have to live this life. I am so beyond irritated with this situation. Just surviving this is not good enough. I want more for my family than just surviving day to day.
The quote "God never gives us anything that we can't handle" is LAUGHABLE right now. What does "handle" really mean anyway? survive? take with grace? make lemonade out of lemons? It just sounds stupid to me right now. How are we suppose to "handle" this situation. It is not biblical anyway but it is just stupid to think we could "handle" this.
I would say 90% of the time we are fine. Really fine. We are hopeful for the future. We are strong in our faith. Our kids are good and doing well. They are doing fine in school, they get excited about future plans, they stick to their routine and they are confident in our care for them. We are day by day but holding on really well all things considering. But I have to say this week fell in the 10% category for me. I would say well this is a new beginning of a week but this is chemo week. So frustrating. It is not like you can just chalk that one up as a tough one and look forward to Monday to start over. Monday is a new stet, and a procedure. Will that be a new set of issues for this week? Will this chemo treatment go as expected? The uncertainty of the day to day is draining.
Sorry to be a downer tonight. I hate just surviving life right now.
Our weekend was a good one. Craig felt bad the majority of yesterday but was able to enjoy the visit from my family. It was great to see everyone and the girls had a great time playing with my cousins kiddos. It is good to feel your support system in-house. Now that I think about it as I type, God really provided HUGE this weekend. After a week of questioning He provided a safe trip for my family to be here from NKY, and Delta Gamma friends for Sunday brunch after we visited our church family.
I have to apologize to my friends and family. I am sorry that the things that I talk about are hard to hear. I have never been one to sugar coat anything and when this is what is going on in my life it is a tough conversation. Please stick with me. Know that the things that I say are out of love for my family and our quality of life. I wouldn't want this situation for my worst enemy so when the situation is right here for my own daughters to have to live with it is hard for me to stay positive 100% of the time. I am so thankful for the friends and family that surrounded us this weekend and listened to those tough conversations. I am not sure how I will ever to be able to repay you but I thank God that you are here with us.
So the weekend was full of great family and friends. Emmy, Morgan and I went and picked out bunk beds for their bedroom Saturday afternoon. We suckered in some wonderful friends to help build the beds tonight and they look so cute in their room. Emmy is on the top bunk b/c Morgan is our crazy sleeper girl. She would surely fall out. The bunk beds was one of the highlights to the weekend. Our friends and family that help us get through this daily struggle is the highlight to the weekend.
Pray that we get some peace in this house and help us remember that we are on the same team here even if we have different opinions to rid this house of cancer and keep it that way, that is the ultimate goal and only God has the healing power to do it.
Pray for healing. Pray for a smooth Monday. then a smooth Tuesday and better off week. And get this cancer out of my house. GET OUT!
Pray for peace. hope. and more understanding.
1 comment:
I don't know how you two do it. Roy and I tend to argue the more stressed we are and I can only imagine the type of stress this is bringing on you. In a time that people "think" you should be pulling together, I can only imagine it gets harder and harder. Obviously you're working towards the same cause, but some of the best relationships have conflict. . .that's just how some of us tick. I think about you two so often and about your sweet girls. I'm amazed at how well you all seem to be handling this and pray often for strength, endurance and His healing Grace! I wish you didn't feel like you have to apologize for your feelings, you can't help the way you feel, it's the cancer's fault, not yours!
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