this weekend

This weekend has had its ups and downs. Although the tumor market numbers are going in the right direction Craig's overall health is not in the best place. The tumor marker is just piece of the puzzle. It is hard to say why exactly but overall exhaustion is not a fun place for anyone but for a 30 something is it depressing. We both had a good cry yesterday morning which of course was interrupted 10 times by two little ladies that were fighting like... well sisters. We perked up late afternoon and went on our date night. We went up the Summit to Mitchell and it took freakin' forever. Whatever, we were out and trying to enjoy our time together. It is tough right now. We do have a good time together but we have always talked of future plans when we are out. Vacations, where to send the girls to school, upcoming parties etc. It is a challenge to stay in the present but that is what we have to do right now. This day by day stuff is tough for a planner.

Tuesday's treatment was a bit of a turning point for me. Being such a focused person it has been tough to get myself "help". I want this cancer gone out of my house and I want my life back that has been the focus of my prayers but when the walk gets tough the prayers and focus have to be what is happening today and may happen in the future. That doesn't mean that I losing my focus on our miracle but the minute to minute is really tough and the thought of not getting our miracle is devastating. Getting help is not saying that I don't believe miracles happen and getting help doesn't mean that I am giving up on this house being cancer-free. It is a step in the right direction to being prepared for whatever life hands us. I have to keep telling myself that. Karen (RN that has been "stuck" with us the past couple treatments) set up some time with a counselor at Norton but I decided to head over to Southeast. There is a group called "facing adversity" that is a general hodge-bodge of people that are in crap situations. Yep, I fit in well in this group. There were 20-25 people there and really that is too many to get much out of it but at least it is a place to start. I am not completely counting counseling at Norton's out but I can't image what kind of advice for this situation would do me any good without God each step of the way. How in the world could a counselor hand someone a 12 step program (or what-not) about how to cope with the possibility of being a single mom in the next year, 5-years, 10-years whatever with God in every single step? My comfort and my strength comes from Christ alone and I don't think I am willing to veer too far from that. I fear where that would land my family.

So much of this blog has been how I have been and not necessarily how Craig is and I apologize for that. I am the out-spoken one. So you ask how is Craig? well... Craig is Craig. He is hopeful, he is positive when he feels good and he is very silent when he doesn't feel good. He sleeps a lot when he doesn't feel good. A LOT. We talked last week before the treatment day and we agreed we can't live our life like this forever. What does that mean? I am not sure. Sleeping for 20 hours a day for weeks at a time is no way for any 30 something to live. Am I say this a major decision that we have made for his treatment plan? NO. It is just a plain and simple fact this is no way to live. He has treatment Tuesday and we hope that things continue to move in the right direction. If they do he will finish out the Folforinox treatment until April and then we will see what happens. We will travel? I don't know. Will it be completely gone and they put him on a easier to take chemo to keep it away? I don't know. Will it just go away and not ever come back? Hopefully! but not likely. So in any scenario I have to be prepared. I can not be blindsided b/c I will have to put one foot in front of the other b/c I have three kids that have to do the same. So we will pray and be hopeful but work on being prepared for whatever life might hand us along the way.

I must go b/c I have a 7 month old behind me that is beside herself b/c she thinks she is hungry. goodness.

Just to add to this post, today has been really good. He has eaten well. Stayed up since this morning. Went to church, which was JAMMED packed! Holy cow what a blessing to have to sit on the floor of the brand new campus at the very first service!! He went to watch the Bears at the Deitz household. Now him and Emmy are running an errand. All normal things. It has been too long but we are thankful for this "good day."