Happy Birthday to me!

With all sincerity, it's been my worst birthday to date but it is another one and I'll take many more. I'm having a very tough time with "hanging in there." My physical strength is my biggest challenge right now. I've gained about 6 lbs this week since we declined treatment last week but I'm still low on gas. My treatment tomorrow has made me anxious for the majority of my birthday. I'm worried about being able to physically walk out of there because it takes so much out of me. I share these things not to show weakness but to tell the reality of my situation. I have to pick myself up when I get down and quickly remind myself that I can do this and better days are ahead. My mental strength is being tested pretty hard core right now just because I feel too tired to do normal things. Spending time with my girls is pure enjoyment but it's a physical struggle. My relationship with them tries my soul in the most difficult way because they are so young and so perfect to me. I don't ever want them to have hurt and that scares the hell out of me. They understand their daddy is sick but don't realize what can happen. Michelle has been a great pick me up this week and I always feel better talking to her. I HATE to put anymore stress on her but she's doing her part to keep me standing.
I do still have the fight and determination to make it out of this. It may take another few very cold months of me getting beat up but we think things are moving in the right direction as far as the cancer is concerned. We just hope the chemo doesn't wipe me out first. I hope I didn't sound too negative on here becuase I'm more positive than negative throughout the day, I've just to got to get things off my chest is some fashion. Lastly but never least, still giving props to God for protecting me and my family and I know I can trust Him to stay with me. He does give me the strength to continue this fight and I'm grateful. I still praise him in my thoughts because I know he gave up his only Son for me.