Emily is 6!

Today was Emily's big day. Craig went to school and read her favorite Christmas book to the class and had lunch with her. She came home and there were some cute flowers from some Lexington friends, (thanks Aidan and Ethan). We had a Hello Kitty lasagna dinner and Grater's ice cream cake. She enjoyed opening gifts which included some new outfits and a new bike. Loved it all.

She looks older today. She has shed her toddler checks completely and really looks like a little girl. She is really maturing into a great little lady.

Birthday breakfast tradition! Love the feather clippy. :) It is sooo Emmy.

Daddy with the girls.

Emily is an AWESOME big sister! She is letting Hannah take a turn on her new bike.

Yum! Graters ice cream cake. Chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream.

There is nothing better than clean babies in clean PJs. Hannah is hamming it up.

She had an off night but calmed down after her bath long enough to take some cute pictures.



Thankful Thursday and Believe

Michelle:
I haven't done Thankful Thursday in a while and we have had a good week, tough appointments but none the less a good week.
I am thankful that Craig is feeling good and we can spend some time together during the day.
I am thankful for online shopping. It gives us the opportunity to Christmas shop on our couch since Craig is too tired to go out to the stores. We attempted Kohl's yesterday and it was a short trip. So I am so thankful for modern conveniences that help us make life easier.
I am thankful that we caught the mouse that has been living in my car... long story... hilarious story if you want to laugh hysterically like Emily did all the way to school.
I am so thankful Morgan's Christmas program was so cute and she had a great time with friends.
We are so thankful for the prayers and support.
We are so thankful for an amazing church that has made pre-planning so easy. The services that SECC provides is amazing and we are so blessed.

It is hard to write this and be able to express the magnitude of my gratitude. I have been moved to tears twice this past week just thanking God for a place for Craig to go. A place to be out of pain and suffering. I have never felt this level of gratitude in my life. He gave up His son so that we had a model to follow and pave the way to eternity. I have known this all my life being raised in a Christan home and going to Catholic Schools. It has never effected my life in such a big way until now and I feel so thankful for His ultimate sacrifice. So often we take for granite the Christmas and Easter story but when a love one is weeks or months away from getting to take advantage of His promise you realize the full magnitude of His love.

Craig:
This song has been on mind pretty much all day today.  To be fair, this is probably my favorite song and was before my diagnosis.  Just wanted to share this evening.
I can't quote the Book, the chapter or the verse;
you can't tell me, it all ends in a slow ride in a hearse.
You know the more and more I'm convinced the longer that I live,
yeah this can't be, no this can't be, no this can't be all there is.
Lord I raise my hands, bow my head, I'm finding more and more truth in the words written in red.
They tell me that there's more to life than just what I can see, I BELIEVE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9-FQMxO_-Q

Feeling Better

Skipping treatment on Monday was not an easy decision to be made but it has brought me a few good days.  The last 3 days have been about my best days in the last 4 weeks.  I guess it is true I feel best when I'm off treatment.  If I would have taken the treatment, I'd still be laid up in bed most likely and probably miserable.  The treatement may have helped me but the truth is I'd be facing another treatment next Monday.  I have so much anxiety that goes on with those treatments looming and I feel like I'm free right now.  I'm still taking naps and am still tired but I'm up and about and I've been out of the house a bunch lately.  I went to lunch with a few friends today.  Michelle and I got out yesterday and got to see the diamonds we picked out for my girls for the first time.  They are beautiful  We got a round for Emily, a square cut for Morgan and a pear shaped diamond for Hannah.  Tomorrow is Morgan's big Christmas appearance in her school's "Holiday" (We call it Christmas) Presentation.  Friday is meet with the funeral home to do some preplanning.  We've got a Merimee X-mas party this weekend and Emily's big #6 birthday is next Tuesday.  We've got a lot going on so helpfully my health buys some precious time over the next few weeks.  Thank you to all of you hanging in here with us.  My days are precious and I thank God for each and every day and ask for more days.  Tonight is short and sweet for you.

If you never got the chance or are willing to do it again, PANCAN is making it's last big push of this year to encourage our Congress to push the Pancreatic Cancer Research and Education Act to a vote.  We have some representatives here in Kentucky that have not pledged their support yet of the bill, namely Rep. Geoff Davis and senators Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul.  Here is a link to PANCAN's website that allows you to send a quick note to these representatives.  John Yarmuth of Louisville has pledged his support but we still need the senators.  Davis represensts Oldham County and all of the counties through Northern Kentucky.  Please consider taking a few moments to take part in this.  The bill will force the National Cancer Institute to put together a strategic plan in fighting pancreatic cancer which currently allots about 2% of it's budget to fight the 4th biggest cancer killer out there.
http://www.pancan.org/section_get_involved/advocate/advocacy_action_center.php

No chemo today...maybe ever

After Craig was feeling better Thursday night and into Friday the question of whether to continue chemo was brought back up. The appointment was held on the calendar. Hospice came Friday and at that point chemo was still in question and he couldn't be a hospice client and stay on Gemzar. There are some chemos they cover and you can be a hospice patient but Gemzar is not one of them. At that point we were suppose to call the insurance company to see if they would create a loop-hole so we could both.

We talked in length about it Saturday night and were leaning in the direction of not going to chemo.
Would it do any good? probably not
Would it make him feel worse? probably
Where was most of the anxiety and pain for Craig? the side effects from the treatment
Are we at the point of choosing quality or quantity? Yes, we have probably been there longer than we would like to admit to ourselves. And your first thought is quantity since he has such young kids, but is that fair to them or to him?

After an up and down weekend and a really rough Sunday Craig opted out of chemo today. Hospice really didn't weigh into the decision. He feels like crap most of the time. Whatever he eats makes him feel like crap. We watched a little bit of mindless TV together last night in the living room and I could hear the war going on in his digestive system right now. It is like his liver, pancreas, stomach are all SCREAMING at this cancer, YOU ARE IN THE WAY of us doing our jobs! And they are so exhausted. (that is a really strange image of organs yelling but you get the point). He is just tired all the time. His body is just tired. And chemo and side effects on top of that war may only make the war that much more hateful to his overall condition.

So here I sit in my living room trying to talk myself into get something (anything!) done while he sleeps/rest.
Not going to chemo today is very hard. It is a reminder that this is really happening. It is really happening.
To be (brutally, non-PC) honest, there have been moments where I have ask God to just take him. I can't bare to see him struggle like this. I can't stand the conversation at the breakfast table about Daddy waking little girls up throwing up any more. I have had moments where I have said this is just too much, just take him and I will figure out whatever new normal that means. It sounds harsh and some of you will probably think I am a horrible person but if you have seen someone suffer like I have seen Craig suffer you want whatever is going to take it away to happen! (Don't judge, you don't know.) I know that heaven is a place where there is no pain. With this type cancer there isn't a place on earth (hospital, doctors office, universities etc. ) that the disease can be taken from his body for good so if it means moving to heaven then at those low points that is what made the most sense to me. I use the term "moving" on purpose. I see Craig moving not leaving us. This is not our Home. He gets to go Home sooner than we would have liked (by about 50 years) but he can help prepare our Heavenly house until we meet again. And when you love someone as much as we love him, just take him and I will figure the rest down here.

But today, I am just so tearful that this is actually happening to my husband and best friend.

God can't have him until after Emily's birthday or Christmas, my heart can't handle that. I need a year to prepare for Christmas without him so please pray for more time... just get us into 2012 and then we will deal with it...

Life and Perspective

First of all, the outpouring of support has been awesome and helps drive us everyday.  I thankfully regained some strength back yesterday after a very scary day and I'm holding onto it.  I'm still tired and am taking naps and rests but being coherent and an actual person in the room is a great feeling these days.  I have tons of thoughts that run through my head and I've had one that came to me early this year but I saved this post.  The real truth is I do feel I have been very blessed.  I've obviously been blessed in the manner I know Jesus but I truly feel I have got to experience so much in my life and I wouldn't trade it if it meant I lost anything that I have experienced:

I first picture the 70 year old grandfather and dad who is staring down his death sentence of "fill in the blank."  He has kids that love him dearly and a wife of 45 years.  His grand kids are little but he loves every minute he gets to spend with them.  He also loves that he gets to go home at the end of the night when they are wound up and he gets to sleep peacefully in his own home.  5 more years would buy him the hard to achieve 50 year anniversary.  5 more years would have allowed his little girl who always looked up to him to have 5 more years with him.  It's never easy.  I next think of the 50 year old mom facing cancer.  50 is young.  This lady has got 2 kids probably in their younger 20's.  She got to see her kids graduate from college and helped mold them through the difficult teenage years.  She desperately wants 5 more years but she'd give anything to have a grandchild.  She prays hard but time proves to be elusive.  It's never easy.  I now picture the extremely handsome and unfairly intelligent 33 year old male facing a tough pancreatic cancer sentence.  He has a wife of 9 years and 3 beautiful young little girls.  He has been blessed with as much as you can fit into 33 years.  5 more years would be a God send and it would allow him to grow 3 relationships in particular that would ensure him he has daughters that remember him.  He could spend more time to ensure his girls have a father in their home that is there to be that "first man" and much needed man in their life.  A newborn baby would know what it's like to have a dad. 10 years, still a very proud achievement in this world, would be realized in marriage and that young woman wouldn't be forced into single motherhood.  Time though is still elusive, and it's never easy.  I then think of the 20 year old that is killed in a car wreck by a drunk driver.  The teenage years are hard but they are also an awful lot of fun.  That young female often has the dream everyday of what they are going to do when they grow up and move out of their parent's home.  Meeting the man of her dreams and raising a family are at the top of the list.  The dream never gets realized and the parents are heartbroken and wonder how could this happen.  This situation isn't fair.  Just 5 more years would have brought an entire life full of memories.  It's never easy.  I next think of the 9 year old little boy who gets a brain tumor and is not giving a shot.  His parents cry "why" everyday and for anything, they would do anything to change places with their little one.  If the 9 year old had facebook, he'd probably have about 50 friends.  He wouldn't have a lifetime full of friends but he sure would have some people that miss him.  All his friends get to play little league while he's got to do weekly treatments so he can maybe live another 5 years.  A nine year old has not seen enough of the world to know what he is missing but I can tell you, 9 years is not enough to fully experience life.  It's never easy.  Next up, the 2 year old who was the dealt the wrong hand of cancer; as if there is a right hand but you get my drift.  Losing someone this old is a head scratcher to say the least.  The parents feel absolutely horrible and are mad as hell.  It's still weird, the parents know that kid more than anything but by in large, people are going to feel bad for the parents because they don't know the kid.  Everyone feels for the parents.  That little girl did get to experience love for a while but 2 years is short.  I should end here because you know, comparatively, I've been EXTREMELY blessed.  I'd love to be the 70 year old in the above "crap" situations.  I can't end here.  The real tragedy in life is that there are little ones who never get to experience it.  They never get to be held by a parent or get loved on.  They never get to be told that can be anything they want to be.  They don't get to cry and keep their parents up all through the night.  These little ones without a voice are lovingly lost before birth but even that is unfortunately not always the case.  These babies are remembered by their parents but aren't remembered by everybody else for very long.  They didn't get a million messages from friends letting them know they made an impact on their life.  They didn't get to play little league or drive a car or be parents.  There's a lot they didn't get to do.  My personal story doesn't include losing a little one before birth but I know a heck of a lot of people who have experienced this and tonight, my heart goes out to you!  Whether you are 70 or 50 or 33 or whatever, the truth is it's never easy; but I am blessed.  The one constant in any scenario up above though is the importance of having a relationship with God.  I'm also grateful that Jesus loves the little children!

Today

Last night was scary. Craig wasn't feeling well and in a different way than before. I was really scared. This morning when I woke up he didn't get up with me to help get the girls off to school. When I returned from all the school drop-offs I called the doctor's office to see if they had insight on what might be going on. We were suppose to go to the cemetery and the funeral home together to do some pre-planning but Craig just wasn't up to it. I went to the 9:30 appointment by myself while Patty (Craig's mom) stayed at home with him and waited for a call back from the doctor's office. After I got back I got antsy. I couldn't take another night of so scary so I went ahead and called the general Hospice of Louisville number, if nothing else to get some information.

Craig was just so fatigued and remained that way throughout the day. He complained of additional pain and a "swirly head" which he couldn't pick up off the pillow. He asked if they could come out today but the earliest appointment was tomorrow at 9:30a. I moved some appointments around and cancelled the funeral home pre-plan appointment until next week. I decided one of these "lovely" appointments is enough for a day. It is too much for this heart to do more than one a day.

Saturday morning I am meeting the girl's art therapist to get together a plan on what to tell the girls, when and how. I broke down on the phone with her today and asked if they were going to be productive  and wonderful people even though they will just have a mom. And she said yes, they have two loving parents and even when they have just have one they know that Craig loved them and it will be a matter of working through their emotions through their loss. So there you go, parenting tip of the day: make sure that your kids know you love them. They spoke volumes to me. I can't change the situation but I can ensure them they are loved (ridiculously loved) and that is a good start to anything, right?

After dinner I went to my facing adversity group at SECC. Craig gained some strength and work on some videos with his mom this evening while I was out. I was shocked to walk in and see him on the couch with the laptop checking Facebook rather than in bed like he had been all day.

I have to say one of the biggest blessing in the past year + is the facing adversity group at SECC. Amazing people working through tough situations, God's way. They prayed around me and there wasn't a dry eye in the room. So wonderful to have that kind of love and peace come over you all at once. They have been an incredible encouragement every step of the way. The good the bad and the ugly. This whole week I have just been craving that group. I have just been saying to myself, I just need to make it Thursday night. It is like the feeling of home. They are just so good to me. So many people even before I updated them on the situation at home they came up to me and said, God woke me up so many times in the past week so that I could pray for you. They have tears in the eyes even before they knew anything. That is God's work. We have seen it so often through this journey. God is so Good.

tomorrow will be tough to say the least

This seems very surreal. This can not actually be happening. This isn't the life that I imagined. I keep weighing myself wondering how many Thanksgiving pounds I have gained and nothing. It is just the weight of the world on my shoulders. I can feel it. I feel like I am 300 pounds.

I worry about the timing that this journey will concluded. Emily's birthday is the 13th. She has been talking about it for 6 months. Christmas seems so far off but also so soon. Craig has been taking a lot of naps and hasn't felt well. What does that mean? As much as I have hated what Dr. Hamm has said in the past, he hasn't been wrong which is just devastating.

The majority of the day I am not panicked or crying. I am just here. I try to talk myself into keeping calm and taking one day at a time. I remind myself of my favorite scriptures and pace myself throughout the day. I trust that He will work all the details of timing down to His perfect plan.

We have some appointments tomorrow. Not looking forward to them at all. It will make this too real. I am not sure how the thought of taking one day at a time will work at a funeral home. I'm not 95 years-old I shouldn't need to go and plan a funeral unless it for a grandparent!! Just seems unreal that this is actually happening.

Feel like we took a turn somewhere and we are in someone else's life. We just need to find our way back to where we took the wrong turn and there we will have a healthy family of five bickering about who is going to change the last diaper of the day or who is going to do bath night tomorrow. We just need to get back to that live that I recognize. I haven't recognized my life since October 4th 2010. Looks like I am a long way off from anything close to "normal".

Tough Day Again

Good news, I have not gotten sick which was a big worry of mine.  I'm a little fraile and I'm worried if I get sick, I'm going to end back up in the ER needing fluids.  I was however very worn down today and had to take multiple naps.  We upped some of my pain meds in the last day to try and curb having to take pain meds so often but I'm worried that was the cause of making me extremely drowsy.  We also took so many pre meds before yesterday's treatment and I'm worried that is what knocked me out more.  I just have a lot of worries, I'm by in large, more unhappy and not feeling well through the day which makes me question going through these treatments.  We are at such a crossroads.  I haven't been able to enjoy my family the last few days and I'm not sure what tomorrow will look like.  I'm not feeling up to work and that is a another big decision that is looming on me.  Lots and lots of big decisions are made right now.  Please pray for direction.  Please also wrap your prayers around my girls.  I so much want to protect them but I feel I'm limited with what I can do.  We'll follow up again here shortly, it's late and I'm tired.

I did get to do one thing cool today.  Michelle and my-drowsy-self made it to J Staples Jewelry today to check one thing off my "get things in order" check list.  I'm getting my little ones each a nice diamond necklace that will be given to them down the road very possibly as a wedding present.  If you want to get me teared up in about two seconds, I think the quickest way to do that is to remind me I can't walk my daughters down the aisle.  The first thing I thought of when I held each one as a baby for the first time was how proud I'd be walking them down the aisle. I even the had the daddy-daughter songs picked out from day one.  I'm done for the night, good night.

How did it go this morning?

I'm getting a bunch of text messages asking how today went.
Not much to say. We were home by 11:30 after the start of Gemzar and Craig slept all day.
He may have slept b/c of too many anti-nausea meds to start the day off with or it could have just knocked him down b/c of the shape he is in at this point. Not sure.
One day at a time.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
This scripture is pinned to my bulletin board downstairs in the office. It still speaks to me. I know His plan for our life is far better than what I would have imagined. At this point it is hard to say that but I trust Him enough to ride the roller coaster to see what He has in store.


I will post later. Kyle Idleman had an AMAZING sermon this weekend about being filled with the Holy Spirit. I felt like I was in a pep rally... so much to say...I have to get it all together... we are so blessed to have him at SECC.

Thanksgiving Weekend

This weekend has been tough. I am having a hard time getting going in the mornings. I don't want to get out of bed and my stomach is in knots. Craig is the one that keeps saying lets make this day a good one. So I get up and start the day. This weekend has been super busy so that helps since there is a millions things on the to-do list. So every morning I get moving through the day thinking how am I going to get going when Craig isn't there to get me moving? I can't say there is one thing that really worries me except him simply not being here, period. I have not been without him for more than a week in our 15 years together. I am not sure I remember how to function without him here. I am not sure I even know who I am. I guess some independent people might think that is a bad thing and one day long ago I did too. But when someone as wonderful as Craig makes you a better person for just knowing him let alone getting the privilege of being his wife it is not a bad thing to not know who I might be without him.

So we are taking one day at a time. It seems so surreal and unbelievable that we were handed the news that we did on Tuesday afternoon. There are hours of the day that I would say Dr. Hamm has it all wrong there is no way that Craig has "not a lot of time left." Wednesday we had pictures done (which were a little disappointing) and we got the house ready for Thanksgiving etc etc. He never stopped to rest until the end of the day. Minus the pain meds it all seems very normal. I am haunted by other blogs have said the same things only a couple months before the cancer victim's body surrendered to the disease.
It just seems like there is no way this is actually happening.
But it is... and reality stinks.

Our girls don't really get our reality right now. I have told them that the chemo that he was taking in TN didn't work and he is trying something new on Monday. I have mentioned to Emily there are not a lot of "medicines" out there for this cancer. With the weekend being so busy they haven't really stopped to ask questions. They are pretty use to him not feel well. They say stuff like I hope Dad feels okay so we can play fill-in the blank with whatever crazy thing they have on their agenda. But they do not understand the reality of the situation. We have laid some groundwork talking about heaven in general and people who live there that we know/knew but that is about it. I'm not sure what else to add to it to that will prepare them for what is to come.

Please pray for our family in the upcoming weeks/months/years.

Thee appointment

To follow up on yesterday's post, today was another harsh day; might qualify as thee day.  I went in this morning and had a CT scan done to see what was really going.  The huge jump in my tumor marker caused some worry.  Michelle and I met with Dr. Hamm this afternoon around 2 at his office downtown at Norton.  He didn't have my scan results back yet when he came into the office but it was because the scan was only done a few hours earlier and it takes sometime to get those back.  We discussed treatment plans and talked about the Vandy experience for a little back.  He then went back and checked and had the scan results back in hand.  The results were every spot and tumor I had has grown in a significant manner.  There were an estimated 20 something spots in my liver (though some may not have been cancerous).  That's a lot.  It was compared to my last scan at Norton which was September which was about 2 months ago.  The underlying result: it's growing and it's growing pretty fast.  All cancers are different and one notable characteristic is that when PC is growing, it's pretty bull-headed.  There are countless stories of people being diagnosed and not making it a week.  It typically doesn't stop to ask for directions.  I then went ahead and asked the tough questions:
What is the chance of this treatment working and what should I expect?
Basically, while there is a chance things could stop growing and actually shrink, a more realistic hope is that it will slow the growth down.
Is this really my last treatment option because I've tried most things?
If my weekly treatment does work to a degree, I can add the abraxine maybe in a month.  I mentioned this drug in my last post and that drug can maybe even more help slow things down.  But basically, trying anything else, wouldn't be too smart because you are making yourself miserable in your last days.
If I don't do a treatment, what are we looking at?
"You don't have much time." We discussed this a little more because they underlying question unasked was, what really are the chances this next treatment is not going to work based on how aggressive this cancer has become?  I know the answer...higher than it actually working.  I've learned so much about PC, it is relentless.  We aren't close to figuring it out in general.  I am still optimistic this treatment may put up a fight and buy me time and I will fight that fight.  There is so much riding on this first treatment which will be next Monday morning.  If I'm getting sick, it will mean my cancer is pretty mad.  It was very mad at me this past weekend, hopefully it will lie down and rest this next go around.  A lot is going to be determined very soon.
I also have that not so good feeling.  My digestion is horrible right now and I could only eat about 1/4 of my dinner tonight.  Was it a bad day or is it because my digestive system is shutting down?  My pain has progressively got worse over the past month.  I'm in urgency mode right now.  I want a great Christmas with my family.  I'll take the prayers right now but mine are focused on Michelle.  I've told her I have all the faith in her to make it through this.  What she's got faced in front of her is a mountain but I strongly feel if anyone can do it, she can do it.  Please pray for her.  For strength, for confidence.  3 girls are a lot but those 3 girls are remarkable.  They rally around her when they sense I'm down.  I could go on and on but right now, I just want to comfort her so I'm signing off for the night.  Have a happy thanksgiving if you don't hear from us tomorrow.  I still have a lot to be thankful for so I'm going to try and enjoy the day.

Some bad news (but now that I've finished the blog and know what I wrote, some good news)

We've got some updates on what has transpired over this last week.  I ended up in the ER on Friday after my treatment last Thursday due to continuous vomiting that was literally sucking the life and weight out of me.  I was down to 132 lbs before I left the house.  It took the hospital about 12 hours themselves to be able to get things to stop.  We didn't know what was the cause as it could have been been the recent chemo treatment (though it hadn't effected me that way on previous ones), the cancer itself, a combination of too many meds or a possible virul infection.  Due to blood tests not showing too much out of the ordinary, the hospital doc literally had to guess that it was probably something virul.  I was willing to accept that because it meant it was maybe a one time thing and things were still going all right.  I messaged my Vandy doctor on Sunday evening after getting home Sunday afternoon to let him know how my weekend went.  I was expecting to here from him on Monday by telephone because he was going to follow up with me regarding my tumor marker number that was drawn by blood before my last treatment.  He called me today and was quick to say that it was most likely a reaction to the chemo.  My tumor marker jumped from 270 something (I believe) 4 weeks ago at the onset of my new treatment to the current number of 681.  I was at 70 something about 2 months ago.  My highest number ever pulled was mid to upper 300's which was when I was first diagnosed.  The conclusion is the clinical trial is not working.  The only positive from today is I no longer have to put together weekly treatments to Vanderbilt.  I wish it would have worked but it what it is, I don't regret things in hindsight.  I am having a CT scan in the morning which should confirm things and I get the results back tomorrow afternoon.  The recommendation by my Vandy doc who still wants to be involved in my treatment (which I appreciate, because he's probably the best one for me) recommends I go the standard gemcitibine treatment.  This is the treatment that is usually given first to anyone diagnosed.  It's results are mixed, it can be very beneficial, it also can not to do too much.  These days, the most common thing to do is gemcitibine and add another drug as a complement.  The 2 two most popular drugs are tarceva, which has a lot of data and is said to add some value to the treatment, and another one is abraxine, which does not have a lot of data but shows some more possible value than tarceva in it's briefness of being studied.  Abraxine is used a lot with other cancer therapies like breast cancer but has not been studied for a long time regarding the pancreas.  He told me that because of the shape I'm in, he'd recommend I do gemcitibine alone briefly and allow my body to build back up and then add abraxine shortly down the road.  He gave the stat that 27% of those that take gemzar (abbrev for gemcitibine) and abraxine realize grade 3 fatigue which means it's hard to get up the next day and brush your teeth.  Gemzar by itself is probably, on average, the therapy with the least amount of side effects.  That part sounds appealing but I'd feel pathetic if it knocks me down hard.  Gemzar and abraxine on average is also pretty tolerable regime.  The wish and prayer is this next round of treatments works and is tolerable.  Part of the scary thing is we are reaching the end of viable treatment options.  I will be worried if the next months do not go well.

So, things have been real but are getting more real for me.  My body right now is not in the best of shape though I'm not supposed to complain because I can function well most of the time.  I'm still experiencing pain and my stomach makes me afraid to leave the house sometimes if I'm going out.  The pain is coming from this damn tumor.  Michelle and I are so used hearing not fun news so today hasn't been earth shattering.  I got in my 15 minutes of laying down by myself and I got to relieve my emotions.  I don't believe Michelle has had time to get her brief moment in.  Typing this long post makes my back hurt and I hate that.  It kills me to not know if this is another bump in the road or I've reached the top of the hill and I am going to start to coasting.  I'm still obviously positive but my cancer may have complete disregard for my attitude.  I've got to admit, especially when I'm in pain or getting sick, that dying does not sound like the worst thing in the world.  It absolutely pains me to say this.  I'm still not scared to die, I know where my home is.  I just hate that I can cause pain and anguish in the people's lives that have the highest amount of respect for.  I hate that.  I absolutely hate that.  I never want to hurt my kids and I never want to hurt my wife who has put her whole life into me.  I hate hurting my friends and family.  I hate that when my day comes, many friends, colleagues, etc will have to sit at work and just shake their heads and ask why does terrible stuff like this have to happen.

I know one thing and it's the most important thing I feel deeply about to my core, God did not stand by and choose not to prevent to let this happen because he doesn't care.  He will allow this to happen because this place is not my home.  My prayer and my begging is that someone will know me and choose to meet God because I opened a door for them.  To me, if one person sees my faith and TRULY seeks out God because of me, I've lived a fulfilled my life on earth because they will find their everlasting home.  I also know one other thing, I have always believed in God since I can remember.  I also remember when I actually made a commitment to trying to be a godly person and seek to fulfill His mission here on earth.  It was in my twenties when I started a family and I owe it to my wife.  My wife is the person that really brought me to Him and words do not express how grateful I am for her.  She truly helped make my light bulb go on.  My church took it from there but many people have that person or that experience and I am so lucky I got to experience this.  My question is do you A) just believe in God and try to be a good person or do you B) have that confidence deep down down in your heart that no matter what, no matter what, you don't have anything to really worry about.  If you aren't at B, you are missing out, it is truly awesome.

Update11/23

Craig will probably be released today. We will not know the cause of this episode and since there seems to be a difference of opinions I won't weigh-in with my opinion.
With God's love and patience we are moving through this bump in the road.
We will touch base with Vanderbilt tomorrow to get the results of the tumor market they pulled Thursday. If it is still evaluated in the 200+ then we might move the scan up to ensure this treatment is getting some results.
Will update more later.

ER on Friday night and admitted for the day Saturday

We went to the ER with Craig Friday evening for continuous vomiting, nausea, and pain that wasn't able to get under control. He was admitted and will stay there again tonight until he can eat without vomiting and the pain is manageable with the pain meds at home.

The cause of the sudden evaluated discomfort could be the cancer, the chemo or a simple stomach bug. We shall see.

Following Up

Starting to get the emails and the questions so I guess I need to follow up on what's been going on with me lately since I never posted after the last treatment last week.  Last week was the same as the first 2 treatments at Vandy.  I handled the chemo session well, walked away feeling a little icky but it was a huge breath of fresh air compared the days in the past.  The following day started out fine again but my stomach turns sour usually in the middle of Friday and it is very uncomfortable.  It's nothing pain medication can control.  It hurts to get up or stand up and it doesn't hurt as much when I lay down but it's still very uncomfortable.  It lasts through about 2 more days with some relief off and on over the weekend.  Truth be told, I can handle it.  It's still a lot easier than the past treatments.  I at least have my mind in the game where I can talk and watch tv and spend time with the family.  Michelle and I were guests of our friends Chris and Janelle last Friday night and I ended up laying on their couch for the evening and fell asleep.  Wasn't my proudest moment but they are good friends and understand.  Each day after the treatment is just a roller coaster.  As far as the treatment goes, this is my 4th week which means...NO CHEMO.  I live for these weeks.  I feel half way normal.  I'm still having the pains and taking pain medication around the clock.  I'm OK with that even thought its frustrating I still have pain and I'm taking 2 different pain meds on their regular schedules.  You always envision being in that la-la land when on those meds but I don't get that, unfortunately.  Anyways, I'm off treatment this week.  It worked out I'm actually off work tomorrow for Veteran's Day.  Thanks Veteran friends (for your service first and foremost)!  Is the treatment working or when will I know is the most common question I'm getting.  We don't know if it's working.  We'll do treatments the next 3 weeks consecutively and then December 15th, I'll have a CT scan and we'll pull a tumor marker that will tell us the verdict.  If it's working or things haven't changed much, I'll continue on the treatment for another 2 months.  I hope it's working obviously.  I will say the treatment, if working, should start alleviating this pain.  It's not alleviating the pain but I also need to be patient.  That's the story for now.
My presentation to Oldham County Fiscal Court for the Pancreatic Cancer Awareness Month Proclamation went very good.  The presentation is shown on the government channel here in Oldham County over and over and a few have got to see me on tv.  I'll give myself a B, I said um a few too many times which I um didn't realize when I was given the um presentation.  Michelle said that would have made a good drinking game back in college.  It was and is great awareness which was my goal of doing the presentation.  I reached out to the Oldham Era newspaper and they happily reached back out to me to do an interview on a possible story.  We'll see what that leads too but I'm all about spreading awareness and hopefully using my story for good.  I'll let you know what this leads to.  It was an emotional interview.  I've shared a lot about the disease with many people and am well versed and knowledgeable on the subject but as soon as the questions change gears and the words kids or family are mentioned, I break down...just like the flip of a switch.
Chicago, one of my favorite places, is turning their skyline purple for the month of November for PC Awareness Month.  I haven't got to see a picture yet but I hope to find one soon.  I love the Chicago skyline as it is.  It's a little sentimental for me.
Um, I guess that's all I've got for right now.  That's all the stuff on the surface.  What's below the surface?  That might be another post.  I love my wife, I know that.