First of all, the outpouring of support has been awesome and helps drive us everyday. I thankfully regained some strength back yesterday after a very scary day and I'm holding onto it. I'm still tired and am taking naps and rests but being coherent and an actual person in the room is a great feeling these days. I have tons of thoughts that run through my head and I've had one that came to me early this year but I saved this post. The real truth is I do feel I have been very blessed. I've obviously been blessed in the manner I know Jesus but I truly feel I have got to experience so much in my life and I wouldn't trade it if it meant I lost anything that I have experienced:
I first picture the 70 year old grandfather and dad who is staring down his death sentence of "fill in the blank." He has kids that love him dearly and a wife of 45 years. His grand kids are little but he loves every minute he gets to spend with them. He also loves that he gets to go home at the end of the night when they are wound up and he gets to sleep peacefully in his own home. 5 more years would buy him the hard to achieve 50 year anniversary. 5 more years would have allowed his little girl who always looked up to him to have 5 more years with him. It's never easy. I next think of the 50 year old mom facing cancer. 50 is young. This lady has got 2 kids probably in their younger 20's. She got to see her kids graduate from college and helped mold them through the difficult teenage years. She desperately wants 5 more years but she'd give anything to have a grandchild. She prays hard but time proves to be elusive. It's never easy. I now picture the extremely handsome and unfairly intelligent 33 year old male facing a tough pancreatic cancer sentence. He has a wife of 9 years and 3 beautiful young little girls. He has been blessed with as much as you can fit into 33 years. 5 more years would be a God send and it would allow him to grow 3 relationships in particular that would ensure him he has daughters that remember him. He could spend more time to ensure his girls have a father in their home that is there to be that "first man" and much needed man in their life. A newborn baby would know what it's like to have a dad. 10 years, still a very proud achievement in this world, would be realized in marriage and that young woman wouldn't be forced into single motherhood. Time though is still elusive, and it's never easy. I then think of the 20 year old that is killed in a car wreck by a drunk driver. The teenage years are hard but they are also an awful lot of fun. That young female often has the dream everyday of what they are going to do when they grow up and move out of their parent's home. Meeting the man of her dreams and raising a family are at the top of the list. The dream never gets realized and the parents are heartbroken and wonder how could this happen. This situation isn't fair. Just 5 more years would have brought an entire life full of memories. It's never easy. I next think of the 9 year old little boy who gets a brain tumor and is not giving a shot. His parents cry "why" everyday and for anything, they would do anything to change places with their little one. If the 9 year old had facebook, he'd probably have about 50 friends. He wouldn't have a lifetime full of friends but he sure would have some people that miss him. All his friends get to play little league while he's got to do weekly treatments so he can maybe live another 5 years. A nine year old has not seen enough of the world to know what he is missing but I can tell you, 9 years is not enough to fully experience life. It's never easy. Next up, the 2 year old who was the dealt the wrong hand of cancer; as if there is a right hand but you get my drift. Losing someone this old is a head scratcher to say the least. The parents feel absolutely horrible and are mad as hell. It's still weird, the parents know that kid more than anything but by in large, people are going to feel bad for the parents because they don't know the kid. Everyone feels for the parents. That little girl did get to experience love for a while but 2 years is short. I should end here because you know, comparatively, I've been EXTREMELY blessed. I'd love to be the 70 year old in the above "crap" situations. I can't end here. The real tragedy in life is that there are little ones who never get to experience it. They never get to be held by a parent or get loved on. They never get to be told that can be anything they want to be. They don't get to cry and keep their parents up all through the night. These little ones without a voice are lovingly lost before birth but even that is unfortunately not always the case. These babies are remembered by their parents but aren't remembered by everybody else for very long. They didn't get a million messages from friends letting them know they made an impact on their life. They didn't get to play little league or drive a car or be parents. There's a lot they didn't get to do. My personal story doesn't include losing a little one before birth but I know a heck of a lot of people who have experienced this and tonight, my heart goes out to you! Whether you are 70 or 50 or 33 or whatever, the truth is it's never easy; but I am blessed. The one constant in any scenario up above though is the importance of having a relationship with God. I'm also grateful that Jesus loves the little children!
4 comments:
So, to hell with the right thing to say. I've never been good at that. As a matter of fact, I'm usually very acutely tuned to the opposite. I have a knack for stumbling on the wrong words and sticking my foot in my mouth. I think a lot of us fear that in this situation... I know I do. But, screw that, better to say 99 dumb things and one decent one than to say nothing and save embarrassment. There. My disclaimer. Let the stream-of-idiocy commence.
I'm pissed off Craig. I know you've worked through the fairness issue and your fear is for your family, but I'm still pissed. I know your faith has carried you and Michelle this far and will hopefully continue to lift you up through what remains. But, I'm not there with you so I get to be pissed about how ridiculously unfair I think it is. I'm not naive, I know life isn't fair. I tell people all the time about how life doesn't owe you anything and it doesn't have to "work out eventually" because of how bad things have been. The pendulum doesn't exist and it doesn't have to swing back your way. I get that. But this situation sucks at such a high level I can't even fathom how I would handle it. My only reaction is to be angry.
You, Sir, are so flippin' zen that I want to come to your house and fight you. I want you to be mad with me. I want everyone to be mad about this. The stages of grief be damned, get mad and stay mad because, I fear, letting go of the anger will only give way to sadness. I'm not ready for that.
You have set an example of patience and kindness and will echo in the lives of your girls. I hope to be as patient in my life.
Michelle: I know you have more help that you can ever need but, Becky and I are always willing to assist in any way. If you need someone to yell at, I'm all ears. I would ask you to be mad with me, but I'm afraid you'd take me up on it and I don't think I can handle what I would get. Please know this, you are loved.
Craig, I love your Lambda Chi class. Always have. Nuttier than squirrel sh*t, the whole lot of you have always had a special place in my heart. I'm proud to see those guys rallying around you. I will pass that lesson on to my kids at UofL. My boys know your story and have kept you in their hearts. They send their best in ZAX.
Anything further would have a lot of curse words in it so I'll end the comment. My family sends our love to yours. -Scott Medley
Michelle and Craig,
I have not posted a message on your blog before but have read it faithfully over the last 13 months. Your blog has been heartwrenching to read at times, but I hope you undestand that through your testimony, and your unwavering commitment to follow Christ's plan, that what shines through the most, for those of us that have followed your journey mostly as readers, is peace. Also the deep love that is shared between the two of you, between both of you for your girls, and your unwavering love for Christ. You humble me. I will pray for your family tonight and throughout the upcoming days. - Mary Moore
You, my friend, have been given more than days, weeks, and years. You are given moments and these are precious as you know better than most of us. You have been given a moment to fall in love with a remarkable woman. You have been given moments to hold three new born, beautiful gifts from God. You have been given moments to share with your mom and dad.
You have given moments, as well. You haven given moments to a prostate cancer survivor to better see the face of God and better appreciate life.
You are given moments each day to show love, to laugh, and to enrich the lives of those around you. I pray you continue to relish and enjoy these moments each day. Hug and kiss often the loves of your life.
God bless
Craig,
I'm writing this note to you as I sit in an airport. I got very upset earlier today because I missed my flight and have to sit here another 4 hours. I decided to jump on your site to catch up and just read your post.
Moved me to tears man, and put a lot into perspective for me. The daily issues we get caught up in can turn our perspectives into very short-sighted visions. What you have taught me is, while we have to take on these smaller distractions on a daily basis, it's the larger, more important perspectives we need to constantly remind ourselves of. You exude this quality and no doubt have passed it along to your childen. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. God Bless!
Post a Comment