No chemo today...maybe ever

After Craig was feeling better Thursday night and into Friday the question of whether to continue chemo was brought back up. The appointment was held on the calendar. Hospice came Friday and at that point chemo was still in question and he couldn't be a hospice client and stay on Gemzar. There are some chemos they cover and you can be a hospice patient but Gemzar is not one of them. At that point we were suppose to call the insurance company to see if they would create a loop-hole so we could both.

We talked in length about it Saturday night and were leaning in the direction of not going to chemo.
Would it do any good? probably not
Would it make him feel worse? probably
Where was most of the anxiety and pain for Craig? the side effects from the treatment
Are we at the point of choosing quality or quantity? Yes, we have probably been there longer than we would like to admit to ourselves. And your first thought is quantity since he has such young kids, but is that fair to them or to him?

After an up and down weekend and a really rough Sunday Craig opted out of chemo today. Hospice really didn't weigh into the decision. He feels like crap most of the time. Whatever he eats makes him feel like crap. We watched a little bit of mindless TV together last night in the living room and I could hear the war going on in his digestive system right now. It is like his liver, pancreas, stomach are all SCREAMING at this cancer, YOU ARE IN THE WAY of us doing our jobs! And they are so exhausted. (that is a really strange image of organs yelling but you get the point). He is just tired all the time. His body is just tired. And chemo and side effects on top of that war may only make the war that much more hateful to his overall condition.

So here I sit in my living room trying to talk myself into get something (anything!) done while he sleeps/rest.
Not going to chemo today is very hard. It is a reminder that this is really happening. It is really happening.
To be (brutally, non-PC) honest, there have been moments where I have ask God to just take him. I can't bare to see him struggle like this. I can't stand the conversation at the breakfast table about Daddy waking little girls up throwing up any more. I have had moments where I have said this is just too much, just take him and I will figure out whatever new normal that means. It sounds harsh and some of you will probably think I am a horrible person but if you have seen someone suffer like I have seen Craig suffer you want whatever is going to take it away to happen! (Don't judge, you don't know.) I know that heaven is a place where there is no pain. With this type cancer there isn't a place on earth (hospital, doctors office, universities etc. ) that the disease can be taken from his body for good so if it means moving to heaven then at those low points that is what made the most sense to me. I use the term "moving" on purpose. I see Craig moving not leaving us. This is not our Home. He gets to go Home sooner than we would have liked (by about 50 years) but he can help prepare our Heavenly house until we meet again. And when you love someone as much as we love him, just take him and I will figure the rest down here.

But today, I am just so tearful that this is actually happening to my husband and best friend.

God can't have him until after Emily's birthday or Christmas, my heart can't handle that. I need a year to prepare for Christmas without him so please pray for more time... just get us into 2012 and then we will deal with it...