What do the girls know?

For a long time we kept the information that the girls had at a minimum. They always knew what was going on day to day, we read books about cancer for kids, what chemo is supposed to do etc etc. They were never brought into the know about how deadly pancreatic cancer was until Saturday afternoon.
We spent late morning at the Galt House for the Kaleidoscope Christmas lights and then lunch afterwards. Hannah went down for her nap after we returned home and Emily and Morgan retreated to the basement as usual so they don't have to hear "SHHHHHH Hannah is sleeping!!" a thousand times. When they came up about an hour later we watched "Elf on the Shelf" (for the 10000 time) and then I started to bring up really how sick their daddy is. Friday when our Hospice team came over the chaplain that came in gently prompted me that they probably needed to know more than Craig has stopped chemo since they have no frame of reference on what exactly that means.
I can tell you how I began the discussion but from there it was about 25 minutes of me just simply trying to keep up with questions and comments. They were all over the place. So I started by asking what they thought it meant that Daddy stopped taking chemo. They weren't really sure and I got a couple blank stares. I then asked what happens to someone when there isn't any medicine left to take for their illness. Blank stares still. So I asked what happen to Paw-Paw (Craig's dad) when we ran out of things to help his heart? They responded with "Oh he went to heaven." like it was a game show and they were trying to get the right answer. Then mention that the cat, Grace was there as well...I'm telling you this conversation was all over the place. So Emily commented well I hope Daddy doesn't run out of medicine to take. And then I had to look at her square in the eye and tell her "we are out of medicines to help Daddy" and then she asked, so is he going to heaven and I had to answer not today but soon. The questions began to flood in and I was simply trying to keep up. They were not panicked or upset but they wanted facts and they wanted them quickly. They wanted to know about heaven and NOW! We got the Bible out and read scriptures about how Jesus told Peter the night before His death he was going to prepare a room for Him (and his followers). Emily got her Bible out and followed along with some of the scriptures we were pulling. (There were questions why the pages looked different...ugh stay on the subject and then they came back around). It is more than awesome to have the such an incredible story to tell them about what heaven is like. I have told them that Dad will get a brand new body that will not be tired or sick any more but since we focus so much on the fact that Jesus came back after He died on the cross it is hard to convey the finality of passing away. So I asked them if they understood that once Daddy gets to go to heaven we won't be able to talk to him any more. They quickly corrected me, "oh yes we can. we can pray to him and he will hear us." I stand corrected, yes you can pray to Jesus and ask Him to tell Daddy something that you want him to know anytime. And they quickly pointed out they don't even have to say it out loud, Jesus can hear you even when you don't talk... and that is what praying is... WOW! They are so much further along in their spiritual journey then I am sometimes. They did continue to say so it will just be a girl-house? There will just be four of us then? (role call is a big deal to 4 years old, Morgan seems to go through who will be included in certain activities and one of her favorite things to do is to name members of her family starting with her favorite and moving down the list). So they understood what it meant when Craig is not with us, he will not live in this house, and it will just be the four girls. Morgan thought for a couple seconds and then moved on with her evening. Throughout the conversation Morgan was insistent to know HOW Craig was going to get there? I didn't have a go-to scripture so I told her we would ask a pastor at church b/c they have studied the Bible much more than mommy. She even mentioned it in the car on the way to church Sunday morning. "don't you forget to ask him, mommy!" So I did Sunday... scripture to come... hopefully.

I have always been told not to give a time frame since they don't get what later or one to three months will mean. I did let them know that Daddy will be here for Christmas (probably a little risky but he has been feeling okay and we are in the week of Christmas so I felt okay saying that) but then I asked what the next holiday would be. January is next after Christmas... what is in January? Daddy's birthday. So I let them know that we weren't sure if he would be here for his birthday, we would just have to see. Morgan accepted the "we will just have to see" and I anticipate that when that event comes closer we will have to watch her closer for her signs of anxiety. Emily looked heart broken. After a little more discussion we moved on with our evening. Emily came up to me a couple times after letting some of the facts discussed sink in. She came up to me in the kitchen while I was throwing dinner together and asked what would we do if Daddy was still here for his birthday. I replied we will celebrate like we have in the past with lunch out or cupcakes at lunch or whatever he wanted to do. And then she asked what we would do if he wasn't here... I replied with whatever you want to do, we can write cards for him, or have cupcakes and celebrate like he was here. She then said that she wanted to get in a plane. I wasn't getting the point, "a plane!? Where do we need to go?" She replied, "It doesn't matter. We just need to be in a plane so we can be as close to him as we can." I told her we would work on that when the time came but it sounded like a good idea if that is what she wanted to do. I was floored that she would come up with such a plan that would put her physically closer to him. So sweet.

We have had a couple follow up conversations with her so we know it is on her mind. Tonight she asked how old I was and how old Daddy was eluding to the fact that I might die at the same age that Daddy would. I told her that most people get 70 to 80 years on earth but some die younger. She then asked what age my Daddy was when he died. I told her 49 and she said that is not old either. Yeah, I know this is not helping explain "normal", believe me I KNOW. She also asked why people can't go to heaven, get their new bodies and then come back. Just not the way it works and things are so awesome there that I don't think we would want to come back. Tough questions but I am SOOOO thankful she is asking them.

I wish I had a camera to video tape the discussion. It sounds pretty straight forward when I talk about it but I am telling you we were all over the place. The dead cat was mentioned a lot... the bible... some normal school talk not related to anything...why I had posted notes in some pages of the bible... what did those say... etc etc. I am telling you it was tough to keep up with... but I am so relieved they have a better understanding of what is going on.

John 14:2 Do not let your heart be troubled. Trust in God trust also in me. In my Father's house there are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.