Some bad news (but now that I've finished the blog and know what I wrote, some good news)

We've got some updates on what has transpired over this last week.  I ended up in the ER on Friday after my treatment last Thursday due to continuous vomiting that was literally sucking the life and weight out of me.  I was down to 132 lbs before I left the house.  It took the hospital about 12 hours themselves to be able to get things to stop.  We didn't know what was the cause as it could have been been the recent chemo treatment (though it hadn't effected me that way on previous ones), the cancer itself, a combination of too many meds or a possible virul infection.  Due to blood tests not showing too much out of the ordinary, the hospital doc literally had to guess that it was probably something virul.  I was willing to accept that because it meant it was maybe a one time thing and things were still going all right.  I messaged my Vandy doctor on Sunday evening after getting home Sunday afternoon to let him know how my weekend went.  I was expecting to here from him on Monday by telephone because he was going to follow up with me regarding my tumor marker number that was drawn by blood before my last treatment.  He called me today and was quick to say that it was most likely a reaction to the chemo.  My tumor marker jumped from 270 something (I believe) 4 weeks ago at the onset of my new treatment to the current number of 681.  I was at 70 something about 2 months ago.  My highest number ever pulled was mid to upper 300's which was when I was first diagnosed.  The conclusion is the clinical trial is not working.  The only positive from today is I no longer have to put together weekly treatments to Vanderbilt.  I wish it would have worked but it what it is, I don't regret things in hindsight.  I am having a CT scan in the morning which should confirm things and I get the results back tomorrow afternoon.  The recommendation by my Vandy doc who still wants to be involved in my treatment (which I appreciate, because he's probably the best one for me) recommends I go the standard gemcitibine treatment.  This is the treatment that is usually given first to anyone diagnosed.  It's results are mixed, it can be very beneficial, it also can not to do too much.  These days, the most common thing to do is gemcitibine and add another drug as a complement.  The 2 two most popular drugs are tarceva, which has a lot of data and is said to add some value to the treatment, and another one is abraxine, which does not have a lot of data but shows some more possible value than tarceva in it's briefness of being studied.  Abraxine is used a lot with other cancer therapies like breast cancer but has not been studied for a long time regarding the pancreas.  He told me that because of the shape I'm in, he'd recommend I do gemcitibine alone briefly and allow my body to build back up and then add abraxine shortly down the road.  He gave the stat that 27% of those that take gemzar (abbrev for gemcitibine) and abraxine realize grade 3 fatigue which means it's hard to get up the next day and brush your teeth.  Gemzar by itself is probably, on average, the therapy with the least amount of side effects.  That part sounds appealing but I'd feel pathetic if it knocks me down hard.  Gemzar and abraxine on average is also pretty tolerable regime.  The wish and prayer is this next round of treatments works and is tolerable.  Part of the scary thing is we are reaching the end of viable treatment options.  I will be worried if the next months do not go well.

So, things have been real but are getting more real for me.  My body right now is not in the best of shape though I'm not supposed to complain because I can function well most of the time.  I'm still experiencing pain and my stomach makes me afraid to leave the house sometimes if I'm going out.  The pain is coming from this damn tumor.  Michelle and I are so used hearing not fun news so today hasn't been earth shattering.  I got in my 15 minutes of laying down by myself and I got to relieve my emotions.  I don't believe Michelle has had time to get her brief moment in.  Typing this long post makes my back hurt and I hate that.  It kills me to not know if this is another bump in the road or I've reached the top of the hill and I am going to start to coasting.  I'm still obviously positive but my cancer may have complete disregard for my attitude.  I've got to admit, especially when I'm in pain or getting sick, that dying does not sound like the worst thing in the world.  It absolutely pains me to say this.  I'm still not scared to die, I know where my home is.  I just hate that I can cause pain and anguish in the people's lives that have the highest amount of respect for.  I hate that.  I absolutely hate that.  I never want to hurt my kids and I never want to hurt my wife who has put her whole life into me.  I hate hurting my friends and family.  I hate that when my day comes, many friends, colleagues, etc will have to sit at work and just shake their heads and ask why does terrible stuff like this have to happen.

I know one thing and it's the most important thing I feel deeply about to my core, God did not stand by and choose not to prevent to let this happen because he doesn't care.  He will allow this to happen because this place is not my home.  My prayer and my begging is that someone will know me and choose to meet God because I opened a door for them.  To me, if one person sees my faith and TRULY seeks out God because of me, I've lived a fulfilled my life on earth because they will find their everlasting home.  I also know one other thing, I have always believed in God since I can remember.  I also remember when I actually made a commitment to trying to be a godly person and seek to fulfill His mission here on earth.  It was in my twenties when I started a family and I owe it to my wife.  My wife is the person that really brought me to Him and words do not express how grateful I am for her.  She truly helped make my light bulb go on.  My church took it from there but many people have that person or that experience and I am so lucky I got to experience this.  My question is do you A) just believe in God and try to be a good person or do you B) have that confidence deep down down in your heart that no matter what, no matter what, you don't have anything to really worry about.  If you aren't at B, you are missing out, it is truly awesome.