This seems very surreal. This can not actually be happening. This isn't the life that I imagined. I keep weighing myself wondering how many Thanksgiving pounds I have gained and nothing. It is just the weight of the world on my shoulders. I can feel it. I feel like I am 300 pounds.
I worry about the timing that this journey will concluded. Emily's birthday is the 13th. She has been talking about it for 6 months. Christmas seems so far off but also so soon. Craig has been taking a lot of naps and hasn't felt well. What does that mean? As much as I have hated what Dr. Hamm has said in the past, he hasn't been wrong which is just devastating.
The majority of the day I am not panicked or crying. I am just here. I try to talk myself into keeping calm and taking one day at a time. I remind myself of my favorite scriptures and pace myself throughout the day. I trust that He will work all the details of timing down to His perfect plan.
We have some appointments tomorrow. Not looking forward to them at all. It will make this too real. I am not sure how the thought of taking one day at a time will work at a funeral home. I'm not 95 years-old I shouldn't need to go and plan a funeral unless it for a grandparent!! Just seems unreal that this is actually happening.
Feel like we took a turn somewhere and we are in someone else's life. We just need to find our way back to where we took the wrong turn and there we will have a healthy family of five bickering about who is going to change the last diaper of the day or who is going to do bath night tomorrow. We just need to get back to that live that I recognize. I haven't recognized my life since October 4th 2010. Looks like I am a long way off from anything close to "normal".
1 comment:
I can only imagine the weight that is on your shoulders and pray that God will bring you peace in your heart and remind you that many people are constantly thinking of you and Craig. My heart aches for both of you.
April B.
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