The weekend ended on a good note. Emily's party went well. The movie Tangled was very cute. A must see for anyone. I realized late this evening that some of these struggles we have daily are just typical marital/family struggles. They are amplified by cancer but not caused by it. Craig's cold that turned into a fever wouldn't have taken him down for two days but he still would have been a baby about it and we still would have argued about it b/c well we are married and that is what most married people do. They bicker about who does more, who is going to pick up the last of the Christmas gifts, who is going to clean up the poopy diaper, who is going to take to school in the snow... blah blah blah. It is not cancers fault that we are running behind on Christmas gifts or the fact that I am so unorganized this year. It is not cancer's fault that Hannah has a cold and she is so sad. Cancer has just added a ridiculous amount of stress to this house so it is easy to blame everything on cancer right now.
One regret that I have is not making Christ more a part of our daily lives before this all went down. Yes we go to church and yes we pray every night at bedtime with the girls but I wish it was our quick go-to. The Bible has been the only place to find comfort in this situation for me. I have searched for medical answers and those are downright ugly. I have searched for a cancer community online and that brings little comfort. I think it brings comfort to Craig to know someone is going through the same thing as him. But as a caregiver the only place I have found HOPE and comfort is in Christ.
So I guess my point is the same thing that I have know 8 years of my marriage. Craig and I are very different and with Christ as the center of our family we can get through anything. And there are times that I do want to send him to a camp. Maybe not a cancer camp but a husband camp where husbands go that don't finish the laundry.
Tomorrow is Emily's 5th birthday. It is crazy that she is already 5. I looked at her the other day and had to do a double take. She actually looks like a 5 years old. Her whole demeanor has changed from pre-schooler to little girl in the past couple months. It great to see her with her friends. She is a very confident, precious little girl. She loves to dance, dress up, and all the Disney Princesses.
Some days I wish we could turn back the clock to June when we had Hannah or five years ago when we had Emily. Just whenever we weren't here. I have to remind myself that Craig has probably had cancer for years, maybe as many years as we have been married, we just didn't know then. We should have known it and treated it then but we didn't know so we are doing what we can now. At times I wish I knew that I would have him as long as I had planned. But I didn't know that then either. No one knows how long they have. I have to tell myself this a lot. I have a client that worked with years ago that was hit by a train months ago. She was driving with her husband after they left a party in NKY and a train hit the car. She lost her life instantly. She didn't know that was going to be her last day. We are never guaranteed a certain numbers of days. I don't think that it is fair that doctors give people expiration dates when giving a diagnosis. They don't know. Dicky V. said that during that basketball tournament the other night. Doctors know the disease not the patient. Dr. Morris didn't know how Craig would react to chemo but gave him the typical stats of pancreatic cancer. I don't think that is fair to do that to someone. I guess they have to set up realistic expectations but I still don't think they should say this is what is going to happen. They don't know, just like I don't know. I get scared every time Craig says something hurts. Before October 4th a stomach ache was just a stomach ache and on October 4th it was cancer. Does that mean a headache is not a headache? So stressful. Okay well this has gone to a Debbie Downer post and that was not my intent so I am just going to type my scripture of the week and move on.
Mark 10:45 "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many"
This hit me on Saturday night at church. Guess I better start to serve my family as God wants me to and not send them away to a cancer camp or husband camp...still learning to walk the walk... good thing He is a forgiving God.
1 comment:
Rich and I actually talked about this same thing yesterday. (Nice to know others talk about you all the time, right (?)- ha! It's always good!) Anyway, we were on our way to lunch at Huber's after church and I was saying how I was worried about you because of your last post. I wished I had the right words to tell you to help you on your way and to help Craig too. I'm glad that Jesus and the Bible DO have words that can help you...and I, along with all of your friends, pray that every day is a good day and pray for Craig to have strength to fight this cancer and for you to make it through all the stress that it adds!! We both said that you never know what life will bring so the best thing to do is to know that each day is a gift and to live it to the fullest. It's very easy to get frustrated and we all do - we are only human of course! But, that's why we have Jesus and the Bible - he came here to show us that God does love and to bring his only Son to walk with us and carry us when we need him. Please know that even through your roughest nights and hardest days that Jesus is carrying you - and all of your friends are praying for you constantly and we are all only a phone call away for whatever you need. I love you and I hope Emily's day today has been a good one.
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