It feels like we live on an island. People drop things off at the island but they don't want to stay too long. Some even come in and stay a couple minutes but nobody wants to stay too long on cancer island, including me. I have always been the one that finds comfort in numbers. Not a great quality if you are familiar with the phase "if she jumped off a bridge would you?" My answer would usually be can we have a party on the bridge before we jump, can we get some bungee cords and a life jacket and then jump together. In October I searched for cancer blogs like ours. I read people's entries to make sure my feelings were in sync with what was "normal". Doesn't look like there is a normal on any cancer island but it was comforting to know that others were out there on their island battling the same. I started to learn the local island language, counts, tumors, surgery, chemo etc. Recently I find no comfort in knowing that others are on their islands. I don't care that others are battling the same thing, that sounds bad, I do care, I just don't want to be on this island. I don't want to live on this island! I feel guilty saying that. what's the alternative... that doesn't sounds like a good island either.
I am so pissed at what this disease has done to my marriage and my family life. I am so pissed that my baby has to have her first Christmas on cancer island. I am so pissed that she started eating solids this week on cancer island. I am so pissed that my big girls have to see their dad struggle with this disease and live on this island. I hate that Emily's 5th Birthday is on cancer island. I had so many cute ideas for her 5th birthday party. It is a big one, 5 is a big deal.
Craig was being a grumpy yesterday and I had the nerve enough to say there has to be some kind of cancer camp you can go for a cure and come back when you are better. I want my cancer-free husband back. Cancer-Craig is unrecognizable at times. I hate this island. Some nights I cry to God, GET ME OFF THIS ISLAND!!
So this week we are not only battling cancer but some funky cold. Morgan dodged it. Emily tracked it in from school. I had it but could deal with it with a dose of Tylenol. Craig, of course, can't fight it. Apparently Nuelasta is no match for Junior Kindergarten germs. He ran a fever yesterday and the doc called in a Z-pac to be able to fight it so he can take chemo on Tuesday. Now poor little Hannah has it. She is cough like an old man and can't breathe in the middle of the night. Poor baby.
We have a birthday party to go to today for a sweet little girl in Emily's class and tomorrow is Emily's B-Day party with her friends. We are going to see Tangled and then eat ice cream cake at Grater's. She is super excited. I still have to get a lot together for tomorrow but it will get done one way or the other.
It is date night tonight. I pray that Craig and I can somehow enjoy ourselves so that I don't want to ship him to a cancer camp. (wow, that makes me mean and a really bad wife, whatever, blah).
5 comments:
continued prayers. i don't blame you one bit. so proud of you and craig for getting a boat lol and getting off the island tonight for a date....God is able to do immeasurably more than we can imagine. my brother found out his heart is healed. much love, shannon
Oh Michelle, you are SOOOO not a bad wife!!!! You are strong, & an inspiration to MANY! You are handling all of this with grace. I'm sure most of us reading this blog pray to have your attitude if ever faced w/cancer. We all have bad days. You are an amazing wife, mother, daughter, friend, etc. Hang in there! We're all here for you! Much love, Carla (PS - I'm sorry if I keep saying the same things over & over on here.)
Michelle,
In one of my emails to Craig last week I wrote him that he has an angel for a wife. Even angels can get pissed off at bad stuff.
Hang in there lady. You are the best of the best.
Don't forget to enjoy the cake.
I'm proud of you for facing the fact that you are pissed about your island. I'm proud of you for admitting that you find no comfort in the fact that others are on their islands fighting too. I could tell you that is normal, cause it is, but you won't find comfort in that either. It is an honest feeling and if you try to be all PC and give it lip service it will drive you further into that pissed place. You have to go through the feelings, all of them, to heal. It is long and jumps around on you but it is necessary. And you'll be pissed about that too.
Prayers as always.
Kristen
I don't know you, but I love you for posting this. I feel the same way. On November 10th, my family entered cancer island as well when after emergency surgery my little sister was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer. I've heard people describe these kinds of crises as "a nightmare you can't wake up from", and that is totally accurate. At the same time, we've been the recipients of generosity, selflessness, sacrifice and compassion from those around us on a level I have NEVER experienced. And through that, I personally have felt nearer to God than I have in years, and I have a new understanding of the body of Christ, and how it really can work as a body. I plan to keep up with your blog, and if you want, you can check out the song I recorded for my sister (Hope, won't disappoint me) on www.teamaly.com . blessings to all of you.
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