a post you probably don't want to read - i'm not crazy, just down in the dumps

I haven't posted a lot this week b/c although this has been a good week physically for Craig, emotionally this is a nightmare for me. The shock wore off and Polly positive worn down to nothing. Although I am so grateful that Craig's chemo side effects were kept at bay and we figure that all out, it still doesn't take away from the fact that my husband has cancer. Not just cancer but stage 4 cancer. The weeks that he is down with chemo it is just me. I can physically do it, bath nights and bedtime aren't bad, it is a lot, but it is really not the logistics that get me down. I miss my husband and he is right here. I am so far ahead of myself right now but it is hard to stay day to day. Fear crept in every time I think this is tough by myself.

Our house has always been 50/50 or 100/100 if you get right down to it. Craig isn't the husband that just works and comes home to his "castle'. He helps with the laundry, changes diapers, reads to little girls before they go to sleep etc etc. He bathed them when I was pregnant with Hannah even know he hates doing baths.When I am up against deadlines at work he does what needs to be done, cleans up the kitchen after dinner, cleans bathrooms, runs to Kroger, whatever. We fill in for each other with little direction. We are still working on the dance but it was close to perfection or at least tolerable.

I have known him since I was 18. 18! I was still a teenager! We have history. We have a life and it has been interrupted. It is fine to get off track for a couple months but the chances of this just being a couple months is little and that scares me. I don't want to live in cancer world. I don't even want to visit but it looks like we have no choice. I feel like I have no choices in anything any more.

The day before he went into the hospital we were talking in the kitchen about how tired he was. He said that he was actually looking forward to seeing the doctor to see what is wrong and be able to get some answers why he has been so tired. He said that he wanted to be able to help around the house and not have to go to bed early and not spend time together. He was looking forward to having answers and a solution. I told him that I was looking forward to having him back. And then I said it the statement that now haunts me. I said "I have never been happier in my whole life." I said it b/c I wanted him to feel good enough to be able to say it too. And I meant it. Hannah was our last baby and was happy to have pregnancy behind me. I was happy to have a complete family. Hannah is the most joyful baby. She has been an absolute delight from day one. I had actually finally figured out how to breastfeed and I was just enjoying every little moment with this new life b/c it was going to my last baby. Emily and Morgan are wonderful and it has always been a blessing to watch their relationship. I have never in my life seen a relationship so close as sisters. They are the ultimate ying and yang. What one doesn't have the other does and they are an amazing team to witness. I have an great house in a great neighborhood, with great a school system. I have a great job that I love with a set up that keeps me challenged but I still have the flexibility to be able to take care of my family first. I have amazing friends that go back 15+ years. I have family that helps me out with everything and love my girls. And I have an amazing husband. He supports me in all that I do. We are on the same page most of the time and he is an amazing leader in our house. We love to worship God and we love our church. I had everything, I guess I still do but it is tough right now. I read that poem that Cheryl posted on one of the first post and she is right cancer can't take all that away but it sure does feel like it right now. I feel like our whole life is cancer right now and the worst part is we are unsure of the light at the end of the tunnel. Is it in six months? after a surgery they won't even talk about as a possibility right now? Or will we ever have a light at the end of the tunnel? Will this go on for the rest of our lives? Craig's life? See what I mean by getting too far ahead? I'm a planner, that is what I do. But this is a whole new beast. It takes your plans and laughs at them.

I have just been in a tailspin for a couple days. A dear friend helped me sort through my questions for over an hour last night so that I could at least call the oncologist office with some logical (sane) questions. Craig and I combed through so much information and stayed day to day after the diagnosis to decide on a treatment plan that I really don't know the schedule and what to expect from it. I hope to get some answers tomorrow when they call back. It was good to just to touch base with someone rather than sitting at the computer looking for answers and just finding more to worry about rather than answers.

I am just in a valley right now. There are hills and valleys in life and we have hit a valley. It is even harder to sit in this valley and think about a statement "I have never been happier in my whole life" said that day before such a horrible diagnosis. I actually googled the stages of grieff to see what was next b/c this one sucks. Negotiation, oh good, I am great at negotiating except when I don't I don't get my way so it sounds like I will land me a seat in anger for a little while now. grreeat.

Sorry for the crappy post. It is extremely therapeutic to get it out there but I know this is all to hard to hear. this is just tough. I want a plan and I want guarantees and cancer comes with neither. I know that if I will let it this situation will bring me to a new level of faith but I know what I want, I want my life back. I want my close to perfect life back. I want my cancer-free life back. It is hard to look beyond that right now.