fatigue fatigue fatigue

It is a new day. The plumbing is fixed and bathrooms are all good. thankfully!
Yesterday ended up being a more than frustrating day and I will spare you the whiny details of stupid mistake with the port that landed us in the doctor's office but all is well now.
Neulasta (sp?) shot was taken care of this morning by the same nurse that thought I was the world's most horrible wife. She said he looked so much better this time around. And he does. He has been doing a little bit here and a little bit there, folding a little laundry, heating up his own lunch, taking out the trash, etc. It just takes more effort when he is so tired. He is so thankful that he is not nausea that he is glad to push himself a bit more this time. He is not eating a lot but is eating so that is a HUGE plus. We are so thankful for the (ridiculously) warm weather so that he doesn't have to worry about the cold air and that crazy side effect. He has lost a lot of weight since this all began but he has until 11/30 until the next treatment so he has time to try to pack on as much as he can to get his strength up.
Since he has extra time that gives us a chance to enjoy Thanksgiving and hopefully get some Christmas things done before it gets too late in the month.
It makes me nervous to delay the chemo treatment and get off track a couple days but I know they wouldn't have let us do it if it would have compromised the possible success of the treatment. Still makes me nervous.
We are grateful for minimal side effects and we are still trying to stay positive but I have to say the more we get into this the more it sinks in what our "new life" is. I walked down the hall in the oncologist office Wednesday and saw "Merimee" on the board with his room number and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My husband's name is on the wipey board at an ONCOLOGIST office. Yuck. This sucks. Then as I walked down the hall passing different exam rooms, conference rooms: that is the room we were waiting on billirubin results, that is the room we talked about the clinical trial and went through a stack of other possible clinical trials from other cancer centers, that is the conference room we talked about the Folifox regime and the side effects. This is no longer a crappy event in our lives but part of our history. I still pray that it is just six months of our life and then we get to get back to our normal but none the less the next six months are on again off again side effects, blood work, port accesses and de-accesses, more questions with everyday, will it work? After all this will it work? All we can do is pray that it does and take it day by day. Some days are going bad and some days will be fine. I know everyday that the Lord is carrying us through this just as the poem footprints states. I ask myself everyday, why are we not completely falling apart? footprints. He is carrying us through.
He has given us the world's most wonderful friends that spend hours on the phone talking about the most depressing subjects and they take my kids at the drop of a hat when I have to run anywhere and can't or don't want to drag three kids with me.
I'm tired and he is exhausted but it is wonderful to have a God bigger than this cancer and amazing friends to walk along side as He carries us through this.

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,

“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”