Most mornings Emily wakes up and ask what kind of day is it? School day? Shellshouse day? church day? or Stay at home day? I have Friday off of work (could I have a better gig?) So I stay at home play with the girls, catch up on housework (or call the cleaning lady :)) etc etc. So today is a "stay at home day" and Craig is of course here so they are playing wii (he got it to work after all). Not much going on with him, he seems normal which is comforting and stressful at the same time. Wednesday night I think it was he was good-to-go and I got so stressed out I couldn't feel my neck. It was like okay, we got through the first treatment but we are far from done. It is like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am trying to enjoy "the normal" but at the same time I am anxious about next Wednesday and starting all over again and again and again. And after all that what if this doesn't work. There are no guarantees with cancer.
I keep going back to one of my favorite scripture. "Be anxious about nothing, everything prayer and petition." It is on repeat mode in my head 24/7. Still tough to do. I think I should tattoo that on the back of my hand. Actually most Type-As should have it tattooed somewhere.
Yesterday was a busy day, dropped off at Shellshouse, worked a couple hours, dentist appointment and then some elders from Southeast came to visit us in the afternoon. After that we picked up the girls and went down to Gilda's club for the first time.
One of the men from SECC said the scripture that has been on my mind since about Sunday. It was just mentioned in the sermon. But is stuck with me, actually one word stuck. CONFIDENTLY
"Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need" Hebrews 4:16
Confidently? CONFIDENTLY?!! Is He serious? How do I go confidently to to throne with your prayers? How could I go to Him with this when we are hanging on Him by a string. He can direct the path and with a blink of an eye it can go the other way. The first week in the hospital I about went horse pleading with God to let me keep Craig. I was begging a parent to be able to keep a dog that I found on the street. I fell asleep most nights saying "PLEEEEEEASE let me keep him." The more I said PLLEEASE the more my throat was strained. I fell asleep most night begging Him to just let ME keep him, PLLLLEEEASSSEE!
I heard this scripture last weekend and was completely baffled. Confidently? How can I go confidently to Him when SOOOOO much is at stake? He is the one that decided whether I will get to continue to be a wife and my kids with have their dad. I thought what do you want Lord, a PowerPoint presentation on the reasons why I need him more than one do? You want a top ten list bullet pointed? You want me in my new business suit (which I haven't worn since I was 5 weeks pregnant with Emily so it wouldn't fit anyway) and approach you confidently with my request? I keep going over the thought, I didn't get it.
Then I thought about my girls. I can't stand whining. I about lose my mind when they start on me. It is like nails on a chalk board. So one morning someone started (I think it was Morgan) and I always stop them before they get the full sentence out and I say stop whining and start again with the request. Then they have to say it without the annoying whining voice. Come confidently with your request.... I don't think God likes whining. Just like any parent you will take any request at any time no matter how it comes and He will listen. But just like any parent He wants me/us to have confidence that He will take care of the situation. I want my girls to know that I will take care of their needs. I make decisions for them that are best for them. It may not be what they want but it is the best decision b/c I am the mom and I know what it best for them (most of the time). Just as He knows what is best for our life (all the time). He is the best parent and He always know what is best whether we agree with Him or not. So I/you can go CONFIDENTLY to God with your request b/c you can trust that His way is the best way. Took me three/four days to figure that out (lil slow) but I know that He will do what is best for my family in this situation and every situation. So today and everyday I can go to confidently with this request.
Please let me keep him. I want him here with us. I trust you to make the best decision for our family.
But let me keep him.
Please pray that we have a good "normal" weekend as a family.
Happy Friday.
4 comments:
Michelle- your post today was beyond inspiring. God will never leave you or foresake you, he WILL bless you and keep you, you will NEVER be alone. I am praying for your strength & peace today. Melanie
Michelle, I am so inspired by you every time I read your posts...my eyes fill with tears and I get Holy Spirit bumps...God is at work in your lives, you are right, He will do what is best even if we don't always understand. I continually have you, Craig, and the girls in my thoughts and prayers. I too will continue to go confidently to the throne on your behalf. Love you and wish more than anything that I could fly to Louisville to just put my arms around you and give you a giant hug.
Wow....all I can say is wow. What a powerful, inspiring post you shared with us. We will all continue to go confidently to the throne in prayer for your wonderful family. Praying for a good "normal" weekend :) for you all. Love, Sara
Michelle, you are a beautiful example of God shining through someone's life. I truly appreciate your honesty and wisdom that are a great testimony; thank you. I am praying for your family.
Some good verses...
Zech 4:6 For it is not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, saith the Lord of hosts.
2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
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