Things are tough right now. Craig continues to decline but still has moments where he seems "fine". It is increasingly difficult to figure out how to navagate the day. Do I get full coverage of help where someone is here with him when I need to run out or is he going to be okay for an hour? This is a struggle. One would think, get help just to be on the safe side but then he will rally and be able be by himself and even be productive around the house... the inconsistence makes me a crazy woman.
This morning I was pulling out of the driveway and Morgan wouldn't buckle in her carseat and I wanted to lose it. I buckled her in and then cranked up christain radio station and thought I need a HUGE dose of Jesus right now or this ship is going to sink. I began to think we have come to a point in this journey that it is just time to plow through. Just GET THROUGH this. There is not a lesson to learn here, just dig your heels in and survive through it. We have taken each struggle as a learning experience and clung to Jesus for guidance but I figured this was just the fork in the road where we are just going to survive it and learn a new path when Craig "moves" out. God stopped me right in my tracks. The lesson here is to continue to cling to Him in this stage of the game as well as the future. Thank you God for the awesome sound system in my car so when it comes to worship, I can do it loudly. (Yes, I was that crazy woman who sings in the car next to you at the stop light.)
Morgan's Birthday pictures to come...
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
thankful Thursday
Craig via Michelle typing b/c if you have recieved a text from Craig after 9:00 you know he shouldn't be typing.
-I'm thankful that Uncle Brad made into town save and sound.
-I'm thankful the increase pain meds have worked
-I'm thankful the girls are excited about this weekend. Pool party for Morgan's B-Day with the fam.
-I'm thankful for the continuous prayers.
Michelle:
I am thankful for my peeps at church. My facing adversity group is so encouraging and wonderful. I am so thankful to have a great group to call home.
I am also so thankful great friends and the support of so many.
Have a good night.
-I'm thankful that Uncle Brad made into town save and sound.
-I'm thankful the increase pain meds have worked
-I'm thankful the girls are excited about this weekend. Pool party for Morgan's B-Day with the fam.
-I'm thankful for the continuous prayers.
Michelle:
I am thankful for my peeps at church. My facing adversity group is so encouraging and wonderful. I am so thankful to have a great group to call home.
I am also so thankful great friends and the support of so many.
Have a good night.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Just an update...
...since my facebook is blowing up. (PS thank you for all the sweet messages)
Craig's pain level has elevated over the past 48 hours. He has increased his pain meds which intern will probably make him sleep more. He is jaundice. Hospice was here today and got some medicines adjusted and talked about some future plans. Overall we are in the unknown of how much time we have left with him. It could be days, it could be a couple weeks. We're not sure. He is out of pain now and watching mindless TV so for this minute now we are "fine".
Last night was tough, I was reading over many post I wrote in the past year. I never wanted to lose him but the cancer life I would like to lose. The reality that they are one in the same is really hard to come to terms with. It is a tough journey and I will be content to see the cancer life go but so incredibly sad to see my husband go with it.
Craig's pain level has elevated over the past 48 hours. He has increased his pain meds which intern will probably make him sleep more. He is jaundice. Hospice was here today and got some medicines adjusted and talked about some future plans. Overall we are in the unknown of how much time we have left with him. It could be days, it could be a couple weeks. We're not sure. He is out of pain now and watching mindless TV so for this minute now we are "fine".
Last night was tough, I was reading over many post I wrote in the past year. I never wanted to lose him but the cancer life I would like to lose. The reality that they are one in the same is really hard to come to terms with. It is a tough journey and I will be content to see the cancer life go but so incredibly sad to see my husband go with it.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Happy Valentine's Day continued...
Valentines Day from my account today:
6am, phone rang, it was the automated message from Oldham County Schools letting us know schools were on 2 hour delay which was a pleasant surprise, no huge rushing around for the majority of the morning for Michelle and the girls.
7:30, Emily worried that Michelle overslept becuase the sun was coming up and that wasn't normal so she got herself out of bed, got dressed by herself and came in to wake up Michelle. I thought it was sweet she let mom have those extra few minutes to sleep in.
7:45 The girls were up and were surprised by their V-Day presents. I was up a few minutes later and enjoyed breakfast with them. Michelle got them ready and off to school and I was back in bed by 8:15 asleep soon after
11:30 I yelled from the room after waking up, you still want to go to lunch. Looking back, that's not the most romantic thing to yell but I think she knew it was genuine because I have a hard to getting back up before noon. I asked her the evening before if I could try and treat her to lunch.
12:15 Lunch at Chili's, it was something easy and more about being with each other. I was pleased we made it out together and we cherish the time even though I'm so tired and uncomfortable.
1:30 Back at home and I've slipped into something comfortable...sweat pants and a long sleeve tshirt; I was back in bed asleep, Michelle spent quality time with the girls and learned about their parties at school
5:30 I was woken up for dinner time, Michelle made a heart shaped pizza for dinner and the girls enjoyed it.
6:15 Spent some quality time with the girls watching a movie and learning about their day, I was back in bed around 7 for some rest, the girls wear me out
9:00 Watching the Duggars new episode with the Michelle
I share this to shed some light on our day to day. It's not pretty, it's the norm though unfortunately. I've been in increased the pain the last few days and to put it bluntly, my liver hurts. It hurts to sneeze, belch, take a deep breath, and those are harsh pains. It's dull but consistently hurts around the clock. We meet with the nurse tomorrow and may change up some of the pain meds. My issue is I take pain meds so regularly that I think that takes a toll on my liver so it's hard to imagine increasing that. Things are unfortunately getting worse and I've got that bad feeling. I'm still optimistic I may bounce back some here soon. Anyways, we'll continue to take one day at a time and thank God for each living day and let Him drive the ship. I pray for as little ugliness as possible throughout the next weeks/months. We are excited to have some of Michelle's family come to town this weekend including the beloved Uncle Brad. Let's hope it a good one and we get to enjoy Morgan's birthday weekend and week next week.
6am, phone rang, it was the automated message from Oldham County Schools letting us know schools were on 2 hour delay which was a pleasant surprise, no huge rushing around for the majority of the morning for Michelle and the girls.
7:30, Emily worried that Michelle overslept becuase the sun was coming up and that wasn't normal so she got herself out of bed, got dressed by herself and came in to wake up Michelle. I thought it was sweet she let mom have those extra few minutes to sleep in.
7:45 The girls were up and were surprised by their V-Day presents. I was up a few minutes later and enjoyed breakfast with them. Michelle got them ready and off to school and I was back in bed by 8:15 asleep soon after
11:30 I yelled from the room after waking up, you still want to go to lunch. Looking back, that's not the most romantic thing to yell but I think she knew it was genuine because I have a hard to getting back up before noon. I asked her the evening before if I could try and treat her to lunch.
12:15 Lunch at Chili's, it was something easy and more about being with each other. I was pleased we made it out together and we cherish the time even though I'm so tired and uncomfortable.
1:30 Back at home and I've slipped into something comfortable...sweat pants and a long sleeve tshirt; I was back in bed asleep, Michelle spent quality time with the girls and learned about their parties at school
5:30 I was woken up for dinner time, Michelle made a heart shaped pizza for dinner and the girls enjoyed it.
6:15 Spent some quality time with the girls watching a movie and learning about their day, I was back in bed around 7 for some rest, the girls wear me out
9:00 Watching the Duggars new episode with the Michelle
I share this to shed some light on our day to day. It's not pretty, it's the norm though unfortunately. I've been in increased the pain the last few days and to put it bluntly, my liver hurts. It hurts to sneeze, belch, take a deep breath, and those are harsh pains. It's dull but consistently hurts around the clock. We meet with the nurse tomorrow and may change up some of the pain meds. My issue is I take pain meds so regularly that I think that takes a toll on my liver so it's hard to imagine increasing that. Things are unfortunately getting worse and I've got that bad feeling. I'm still optimistic I may bounce back some here soon. Anyways, we'll continue to take one day at a time and thank God for each living day and let Him drive the ship. I pray for as little ugliness as possible throughout the next weeks/months. We are excited to have some of Michelle's family come to town this weekend including the beloved Uncle Brad. Let's hope it a good one and we get to enjoy Morgan's birthday weekend and week next week.
Happy Valentine's Day
Just a little note from the Merimee's wishing you a Happy Valentine's Day. I did a little google history search. Did you know that "St. Valentine" was killed on February 14th. Goodness. What the heck are we celebrating?! He was killed because he was marrying Christians and refused to give up his faith. Anyway, here's your history lesson for the day, brought to you by google. http://www.catholic.org/saints/saint.php?saint_id=159
Come on - you can't have a V-Day post without a little Corinthians in the mix. You had to have seen that coming. :)
Happy Valentine's Day!!
Happy Valentine's Day from the Merimee girls.
This is Hannah's smile when you tell her to say cheese. She is such a little ham.
Silly LOVEly faces
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things... Love never fails. 1 Cor 13
Come on - you can't have a V-Day post without a little Corinthians in the mix. You had to have seen that coming. :)
Happy Valentine's Day!!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
We've been slackers
Okay so apparently we are slacking on the blog posts here lately. Craig update was short and sweet and even if you read between the lines I'm sure it didn't give a good pictures of what goes on in this lovely household. If you don't hear from us we are "fine". What does "fine" mean? "Fine" is defined for now as Craig sleeps most of the day, gets up to eat lunch and shower, the late afternoon is a mix of naps and watching cartoons with Emily after school. He sometimes eats dinner and sometimes just sits with us and munches on a snack. That is a "fine" day. Not so "fine" moment is stomach aches and a hunched over husband in the kitchen. A not so "fine" moment is the fatigued look that a simple shower can do to him. Another not so "fine" moment is simply sitting in the living room rather laying in bed is painful.
So if you don't hear from us it is usually a "fine" day with maybe a mix of not so "fine" moments.
I still have not lost faith. I know that His plan is still the best plan for our family. I hang on to the Hope that our story still has a fairy tale ending. I hold on to the fact that this is not our home and that Craig will simply have heaven before we do.
On the way home from church today Emily asked how old Jesus was when he died. We go over my age a lot. She tries to make sense of the situation. It is a tough lesson for a 6-year-old to figure out that some people get less than 80-100 years on this earth.
So that conversation in the car today was the following:
Emily: How old was Jesus when He died on the cross?
Me: 33
Emily: wow, that wasn't that long
Me: nope your right, but look at all He did in that short time. Healed the sick, taught people how to live.
Emily: He did a lot of good things.
Me: See it doesn't matter how much time He gives us, it is what we do with it that counts. Dad has done a lot of great things with the short time he has had. He ran two banks, had three kids, told a lot of people about God.
Emily: He is still here but he is going to heaven.
Me: yep
Morgan: (chimes in here and there) I want to go to heaven but not for a while.
Emily: yeah me too. Mom, you going to heaven?
Me: Yep, b/c I know Jesus and He going to let me in.
Emily: What happens if you don't go to heaven? You just get buried?
Me: well that or you go to a place called hell. (why not? we're already knee deep.)
Morgan: I don't want to just get buried. I know Jesus.
It is about as simple as that. The rest of this "stuff" is just the pain of this world.
The past couple days have had more not so fine moments which of course is worrisome. Usually a bad afternoon is followed by a rebound but we haven't seen a rebound since maybe Wednesday or Thursday. Is this a couple rough days or not... ?? It is frustrating. It is hard. It is so hard to watch someone detearated in front of your eyes. The question that pops in my mind more often than once a week is "really how much more of this can I take." I found peace at church today. We started on The Story this week. We began with creation and then Adam and Eve and then on to Noah. To back up that far into our history has given a peaceful perspective that God is always in control. Always has been, always will be. So the answer to the question "how much more of this can I take?" is not in my hands, never has been. I have an addiction to Matthew West's new album. My theme song is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knuHDPbE5es&feature=related.
The trip to Hilton Head next summer continues to come up with the girls. They know that Craig will be in heaven by then. They look forward to the trip all year but when the trip pops into their heads most of the time they remember that it will be "different" since dad won't be there. There are times that Morgan forgets that he won't be there. The other day she was asking if I would ride in the back with her in the car on the way down to HHI. In the past get them going on some games and then sit in the front seat about half the time. I have been driving 100% rather than Craig since mid-December so she was trying to figure out who was going to entertain her in the backseat for the long drive. I told her we would probably drive down with the Deitzs and then she asked if that meant that Daddy would ride in the back. It is heartbreaking to have to remind them that it will just be us going.
Tonight Morgan's bedtime prayer was for Dad to be alive on her birthday. I asked her if we were ever going to be ready to let him go. We all agreed we weren't going to be ready to let him go but we wanted him for Morgan's birthday for sure. Morgan will be 5 on February 22nd.
So to say it is hard right now is about the biggest understatement of the century. Pray for us.
So if you don't hear from us it is usually a "fine" day with maybe a mix of not so "fine" moments.
I still have not lost faith. I know that His plan is still the best plan for our family. I hang on to the Hope that our story still has a fairy tale ending. I hold on to the fact that this is not our home and that Craig will simply have heaven before we do.
On the way home from church today Emily asked how old Jesus was when he died. We go over my age a lot. She tries to make sense of the situation. It is a tough lesson for a 6-year-old to figure out that some people get less than 80-100 years on this earth.
So that conversation in the car today was the following:
Emily: How old was Jesus when He died on the cross?
Me: 33
Emily: wow, that wasn't that long
Me: nope your right, but look at all He did in that short time. Healed the sick, taught people how to live.
Emily: He did a lot of good things.
Me: See it doesn't matter how much time He gives us, it is what we do with it that counts. Dad has done a lot of great things with the short time he has had. He ran two banks, had three kids, told a lot of people about God.
Emily: He is still here but he is going to heaven.
Me: yep
Morgan: (chimes in here and there) I want to go to heaven but not for a while.
Emily: yeah me too. Mom, you going to heaven?
Me: Yep, b/c I know Jesus and He going to let me in.
Emily: What happens if you don't go to heaven? You just get buried?
Me: well that or you go to a place called hell. (why not? we're already knee deep.)
Morgan: I don't want to just get buried. I know Jesus.
It is about as simple as that. The rest of this "stuff" is just the pain of this world.
The past couple days have had more not so fine moments which of course is worrisome. Usually a bad afternoon is followed by a rebound but we haven't seen a rebound since maybe Wednesday or Thursday. Is this a couple rough days or not... ?? It is frustrating. It is hard. It is so hard to watch someone detearated in front of your eyes. The question that pops in my mind more often than once a week is "really how much more of this can I take." I found peace at church today. We started on The Story this week. We began with creation and then Adam and Eve and then on to Noah. To back up that far into our history has given a peaceful perspective that God is always in control. Always has been, always will be. So the answer to the question "how much more of this can I take?" is not in my hands, never has been. I have an addiction to Matthew West's new album. My theme song is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knuHDPbE5es&feature=related.
The trip to Hilton Head next summer continues to come up with the girls. They know that Craig will be in heaven by then. They look forward to the trip all year but when the trip pops into their heads most of the time they remember that it will be "different" since dad won't be there. There are times that Morgan forgets that he won't be there. The other day she was asking if I would ride in the back with her in the car on the way down to HHI. In the past get them going on some games and then sit in the front seat about half the time. I have been driving 100% rather than Craig since mid-December so she was trying to figure out who was going to entertain her in the backseat for the long drive. I told her we would probably drive down with the Deitzs and then she asked if that meant that Daddy would ride in the back. It is heartbreaking to have to remind them that it will just be us going.
Tonight Morgan's bedtime prayer was for Dad to be alive on her birthday. I asked her if we were ever going to be ready to let him go. We all agreed we weren't going to be ready to let him go but we wanted him for Morgan's birthday for sure. Morgan will be 5 on February 22nd.
So to say it is hard right now is about the biggest understatement of the century. Pray for us.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Just Another Day
I'm still hanging in here physically but these days can be tough. I feel mostly similar to how I've been feeling. I'm still tired and the last few days seem as though I've been a little more tired. After today I'm a little worn out. This amount of stress builds up sometimes and it's hard to deal with. I can become hard to deal with. Somedays I'm great, some days I'm hanging on a string. I do need some good time. Michelle has been great to me and I hate it when I become hard to deal with, I'm sorry for letting the day get the best of me! We'll take prayers for support and strength, this is hard. I'm worried the being tired is taking over. That's all I've got for today.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Pancreatic Cancer Action Network - Louisville
The Pancreatic Cancer Action Network, www.pancan.org, is the country's largest advocacy organization aimed at making advances with pancreatic cancer. It covers everything from helping patients with education, clinical trials, support etc to creating awareness within government to raising funds to promoting research in the health care field. The organization covers a lot of ground. One important aspect of the organization is recruting and relying on volunteers throughout the country to help with all of the above. Many cities across the country have a local "affiliate" status which means they have a significant amount of support and number of volunteers to hold regular meetings and organize large fundraisers like the PurpleStride walk which I participated in in Indianapolis last year. Most major cities and many middle size cities have an affiliate status with PANCAN. Some communities have a "community representative" which organizes events that create education and awareness. These representatives do a significant amount of work but may not have enough local support from other volunteers to make the community a fully named affiliate. In Kentucky, we do not have any affiliates but we do have some very hardworking community representation in Paducah, Lexington and Henderson. We surprisingly have not had any official PANCAN volunteer support in Louisville. The size of Louisville definitely should be able to support an affiliate chapter. The good news is a few people here in the area have individually contacted PANCAN including myself about the starting some official representation here in the area. I'm glad to say we have started a group here and Melinda Smith has stepped up to lead us and is listed as a "community representative" for Louisville. Melinda currently works as a HR manager for the Salvation Army and her story includes losing her mom to pancreatic cancer last year. One of our main goals right now is creating awareness about our group and getting our name out there. Right now, we are simply asking you to consider "liking" our official facebook page for the group. This will allow you to be made aware of any events we put on which could be a monthly meeting to discuss our initiatives or a social meet and greet to many different things. I'm also going to include Melinda's email on this post which I would encourage you to contact her to be added to our our email list which will also keep you aware of any events we hold. Getting this group started is a hope of mine because support is so needed in this area. I'd love for our area to eventually reach affiliate status where we have a strong corp of volunteers and we are able to host our very PurpleStride Louisville or better yet, PurpleStride Kentucky. The walk I did in Indy was so very uplifting and had over 800 people attend the event. The Louisville community has always been so supportive and generous and i know the support is here, we just have to get the attention needed from the many families and friends that know and understand how devastating pancreatic cancer is. Please join me in "liking" our facebook page and email Melinda if you'd like to be kept up to date with the group. Here's some of our links for the group:
Pancreatic Cancer Action Network - Louisville Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=lf#!/pages/Pancreatic-Cancer-Action-Network-Louisville/314763741901439
PANCAN Louisville Website (not very updated yet, work in progress)
http://www.pancan.org/section_get_involved/volunteer/affiliate_details.php?id=153
Melinda Smith, community representative for Louisville (email to get added to email distribution list, we will not be spamming you either): msmith@pancanvolunteer.org
Pancreatic Cancer Action Network - Louisville Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=lf#!/pages/Pancreatic-Cancer-Action-Network-Louisville/314763741901439
PANCAN Louisville Website (not very updated yet, work in progress)
http://www.pancan.org/section_get_involved/volunteer/affiliate_details.php?id=153
Melinda Smith, community representative for Louisville (email to get added to email distribution list, we will not be spamming you either): msmith@pancanvolunteer.org
Monday, January 30, 2012
A question of Faith
http://erikandkatekrull.blogspot.com/2012/01/question-of-faith.html
I follow a couple blogs and I can't remember where I found this one but I have been following this blog for a little while. Her post on faith really was a great one and I wanted to share it. The whole time I was reading it I was nodding in agreement... oh yes! yeah, exactly, yep, I get that. Basically I couldn't have said it better myself so here is the link.
Right now I feel like we are in stall-mode. When Craig feels good we do stuff with him and when he doesn't we fill in the time around here. Not really a whole lot going on right now. He sleeps a lot still, some days more than others. Some days he feels okay and some days are filled with tummy aches in between naps. We had fun yesterday at a friend's birthday party. Pictures to come (maybe).
So there was mixed response to "the other side of goals and wishes" and that is fine. I can't tell you I am glad that I posted it but it was definitely a healing part of this process. I have learned a lesson walking through this journey is if you are not honest with your emotions then they will eat you alive. I am committed WALKING THROUGH this fire rather than around it. Not doing that is self-destructive and would harm my kids more than not walking through the fire and dealing as trouble comes along. It was time to call a spade a spade. This is crap and there is no sugar coating it. Getting through that ugly emotion has allowed me to enjoy the time that we have shared together the last week or so.
Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up. James 4:9-10 NIV
A man in sorrow is in general much nearer God than a man in joy. Gladness may make a man forget his thanksgiving: misery drives him to prayer. -George MacDonald
I follow a couple blogs and I can't remember where I found this one but I have been following this blog for a little while. Her post on faith really was a great one and I wanted to share it. The whole time I was reading it I was nodding in agreement... oh yes! yeah, exactly, yep, I get that. Basically I couldn't have said it better myself so here is the link.
Right now I feel like we are in stall-mode. When Craig feels good we do stuff with him and when he doesn't we fill in the time around here. Not really a whole lot going on right now. He sleeps a lot still, some days more than others. Some days he feels okay and some days are filled with tummy aches in between naps. We had fun yesterday at a friend's birthday party. Pictures to come (maybe).
So there was mixed response to "the other side of goals and wishes" and that is fine. I can't tell you I am glad that I posted it but it was definitely a healing part of this process. I have learned a lesson walking through this journey is if you are not honest with your emotions then they will eat you alive. I am committed WALKING THROUGH this fire rather than around it. Not doing that is self-destructive and would harm my kids more than not walking through the fire and dealing as trouble comes along. It was time to call a spade a spade. This is crap and there is no sugar coating it. Getting through that ugly emotion has allowed me to enjoy the time that we have shared together the last week or so.
Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up. James 4:9-10 NIV
A man in sorrow is in general much nearer God than a man in joy. Gladness may make a man forget his thanksgiving: misery drives him to prayer. -George MacDonald
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Up and Down
I'm still hanging in here, it's up and down though. Michelle gets frustrated when she doesn't know if she can count on me to help with the kids the very next hour. I can best put it that I'm consistently inconsistent. Most people do see the good side of me but that's how I plan things. Unfortunately I can't just plan to be in good shape all the time. Michelle sees the real me. I do know that my digestion is the biggest culprit of how I feel. The plans that I make take lots of planning. I usually stick to one major plan each day usually. Today it was lunch with Michelle. Tomorrow is lunch plans with a couple of friends. Thursday is my Louisville Pancreatic Cancer Action Network meeting. Friday is gym class in the evening followed by a quick meal with some friends. My normal plan is get plenty of rest in bed and not eat anything big the meal before I'm going out with friends. After going out with friends, I'm often laying in bed waiting for my stomach ache or simply sleep. I have also reached the point where I can't make morning plans. I don't get out of bed until after 10 and its often 11 am. I do sometimes get up early in the morning (7am) to help with getting the kids up and ready but I always go back to bed. It's not that I'm being lazy either. I literally sleep that late. I do however often enjoy my evenings. My normal bedtime routine culminates shortly after 10 where I'm taking an extra pain pill plus an ambien to help me sleep so maybe I'm sleeping off my hangover. I hope it's not bad to admit that but I do enjoy that 10pm bedtime routine, I feel pretty comfortable. I have to be careful sometimes as I often talk up a storm with Michelle when she's finally ready to call it a day. It can seem I say more to Michelle after 10pm than I do most of the day combined. I also have to stay off of Facebook as I want to make sure I remember everything I'm doing. I do have to set my alarm for every 3 hours through the night to take additional pain meds though. So that's my "day" these days. I try to spend as much as my evening with the girls as well so that goes into the planning process as well. I had a great birthday. Michelle wrote about it and did a good job. I would have loved to enjoy the evening from my friends' perspectives as they had a good time. I still had a very good time.
I do get to experience some really cool things as I go through this. I very much cherish the time I spent with Lambda Chi Alpha at the University of Kentucky. I met some awesome friends and really did learn a lot about my life through things we did as a chapter. Yes I had fun but maybe the biggest lesson my fraternity taught me from my initiation week was "humility." I learned through an activity we did that it's important to help others and there's always someout there that has it worse than you think you do when you are down. The lesson still sticks with me. I'm in a crap situation now but I can think of different paths out there that would be haunting to me. I still think I'm blessed I know I am). A few weeks ago a bunch of my fraternity brothers showed up to a get together that flew under the radar as some came from out of town. They gave me our badge pin that was made with real stones and I very much appreciated it. I mentioned off the cuff that I'd love to see our inititation again because I hadn't seen it since 2000. Through some connections here in town, the brothers of LXA at UofL threw up their hand and wanted to perform our ritual for me in my honor. There's a lot that goes into our ritual so it was a big committment for them. I admire the way the stepped up for me yet do not know me. Our chapter at UofL has grown a lot that last few years and I'm glad to hear they are strong these days. My witness firsthand is they have a lot of charachter and that's what you are supposed to learn in college when in a fraternity. This past weekend, I go to see our ritual gain and I had brothers come in from all over the state including many from Lexington, Paducah and one from Chicago. My brothers mean a whole lot to me and I love you guys.
Lastly, I wanted to reiterate I'm tired these days. I say that because I often have a guilty feeling when I'm around others. It's that when I'm with friends, family members, whomever, I still stay pretty quiet. I think when people see me, they want to make the most of that interaction and a lot of the time I'm just tired. I'm a very quiet person by nature no matter how you look at it, so that's my first excuse. It just takes a lot to get out sometimes and a very strong natured conversation can honestly wear me out. I love spending time with friends, I just oddly sometimes value their "being there for me" more than their conversation. Does that make sense? I'll sometimes run into a past friend from high school or something like that that I haven't seen in years and they want to know how I'm doing but I don't really want to talk about that. Another example is I was pretty quiet at my birthday party however I really enjoyed my time. I'll sometime see friends I haven't seen in months and I realize it may be the last time that I see them so I'm joyous to see them but I'm often still laid back and quiet. Sorry about that friends and family. I'm not great at goodbyes either. While a good stern 3 second hug might be warranted in a situation because I might not see that person again, it's just hard for me to make the most of that opportunity everytime I'm out. The truth is if I see you out, please know that I'm elated that I get to see you but I'm not going to talk your ear off. I also feel bad to those I'm really close to that don't get that conversation every other day that want to talk to me hourly if they could, especially family. The truth is even Michelle does not get that many conversations each day. I'm either resting or sleeping. Phone calls wear me out and I'm afraid sometimes that the quick interaction I like having may turn into a 20 minute conversation. I hope this last paragraph made sense, my excuse is I'm just quiet. I'm tired from the evening again so I've reached my max.
God bless and thanks for all the support out there!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do get to experience some really cool things as I go through this. I very much cherish the time I spent with Lambda Chi Alpha at the University of Kentucky. I met some awesome friends and really did learn a lot about my life through things we did as a chapter. Yes I had fun but maybe the biggest lesson my fraternity taught me from my initiation week was "humility." I learned through an activity we did that it's important to help others and there's always someout there that has it worse than you think you do when you are down. The lesson still sticks with me. I'm in a crap situation now but I can think of different paths out there that would be haunting to me. I still think I'm blessed I know I am). A few weeks ago a bunch of my fraternity brothers showed up to a get together that flew under the radar as some came from out of town. They gave me our badge pin that was made with real stones and I very much appreciated it. I mentioned off the cuff that I'd love to see our inititation again because I hadn't seen it since 2000. Through some connections here in town, the brothers of LXA at UofL threw up their hand and wanted to perform our ritual for me in my honor. There's a lot that goes into our ritual so it was a big committment for them. I admire the way the stepped up for me yet do not know me. Our chapter at UofL has grown a lot that last few years and I'm glad to hear they are strong these days. My witness firsthand is they have a lot of charachter and that's what you are supposed to learn in college when in a fraternity. This past weekend, I go to see our ritual gain and I had brothers come in from all over the state including many from Lexington, Paducah and one from Chicago. My brothers mean a whole lot to me and I love you guys.
Lastly, I wanted to reiterate I'm tired these days. I say that because I often have a guilty feeling when I'm around others. It's that when I'm with friends, family members, whomever, I still stay pretty quiet. I think when people see me, they want to make the most of that interaction and a lot of the time I'm just tired. I'm a very quiet person by nature no matter how you look at it, so that's my first excuse. It just takes a lot to get out sometimes and a very strong natured conversation can honestly wear me out. I love spending time with friends, I just oddly sometimes value their "being there for me" more than their conversation. Does that make sense? I'll sometimes run into a past friend from high school or something like that that I haven't seen in years and they want to know how I'm doing but I don't really want to talk about that. Another example is I was pretty quiet at my birthday party however I really enjoyed my time. I'll sometime see friends I haven't seen in months and I realize it may be the last time that I see them so I'm joyous to see them but I'm often still laid back and quiet. Sorry about that friends and family. I'm not great at goodbyes either. While a good stern 3 second hug might be warranted in a situation because I might not see that person again, it's just hard for me to make the most of that opportunity everytime I'm out. The truth is if I see you out, please know that I'm elated that I get to see you but I'm not going to talk your ear off. I also feel bad to those I'm really close to that don't get that conversation every other day that want to talk to me hourly if they could, especially family. The truth is even Michelle does not get that many conversations each day. I'm either resting or sleeping. Phone calls wear me out and I'm afraid sometimes that the quick interaction I like having may turn into a 20 minute conversation. I hope this last paragraph made sense, my excuse is I'm just quiet. I'm tired from the evening again so I've reached my max.
God bless and thanks for all the support out there!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
What a great weekend!!
Saturday Emily, Morgan and I were off to art therapy at Norton. They are doing great things with Dr. Estes and we are very grateful they have that outlet for them. It has been especially beneficial to Morgan. She is more creative than verbal so it is a great safe place for her to release some of the thing that swarm around her head. Last week Emily drew two snowmen and Dr. Estes asked if they were happy or sad and she said that where happy b/c they still had each other. She loves whatever times she can spend with Craig. Monday she had MLK holiday day off of school and her and Craig watched movies until late in the afternoon. Two peas in a pod.
Saturday evening we celebrated Craig's birthday with great friends at Martini's. I think as a group we sampled most of the martini menu. I stuck with my old favorite the lemon drop martini while others ventured down the left side of the menu (no names needed - you know who you are). Good times. Loud but really fun! It was fantastic to get to see everyone and spend some time just having fun. Most of our friends have small kids like us so when you get a babysitter and make a night of it you make the most of it... and we did!
great friends, great food, great martinis, great date.
So we are taking one day at a time, some times it is just one hour at a time, some times it is one great date night at a time. We are so thankful for our close friends who are strong enough to simply go out and have a good time!
Cheers!
Saturday evening we celebrated Craig's birthday with great friends at Martini's. I think as a group we sampled most of the martini menu. I stuck with my old favorite the lemon drop martini while others ventured down the left side of the menu (no names needed - you know who you are). Good times. Loud but really fun! It was fantastic to get to see everyone and spend some time just having fun. Most of our friends have small kids like us so when you get a babysitter and make a night of it you make the most of it... and we did!
great friends, great food, great martinis, great date.
So we are taking one day at a time, some times it is just one hour at a time, some times it is one great date night at a time. We are so thankful for our close friends who are strong enough to simply go out and have a good time!
Cheers!
Friday, January 20, 2012
update today
Craig has adjusted some of his pain meds and seems to be in less pain (duh) and was able to enjoy lunch with Aunt Janie this afternoon. The evening consisted of gymnastics for the girls and Chic Fila as we have done the past two Fridays.
All three girls love gym class especially little Hannah. She has gain some major upper body strength and can hang on to the bar and swing like a monkey. Yeah for Hannah!
Tomorrow is art therapy in the morning for Emily and Morgan and we are (hopefully) doing date night. Church at 5:00 and dinner with friends.
just a quick update.
thanks for the prayers and the support.
All three girls love gym class especially little Hannah. She has gain some major upper body strength and can hang on to the bar and swing like a monkey. Yeah for Hannah!
Tomorrow is art therapy in the morning for Emily and Morgan and we are (hopefully) doing date night. Church at 5:00 and dinner with friends.
just a quick update.
thanks for the prayers and the support.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The other side of "goals and wishes" - warning it is ugly
This post has been sitting in the "saved" folder for many days. It is ugly but the truth. I think God has asked me to post even though it is so scary to think that someone will think that I am a horrible wife b/c of my true feelings. God is working on me one day at a time just as we work through this one day at a time.
Save me O God; for the waters have risen up to my neck.
I sink in muddy depths and have no foothold;
I am swept into a deep water, and the flood carries me away.
I am wearied with crying out, my throat is sore,
my eyes grow dim as I wait for God to help me.
Psalm 69:1-3 NEB
1/16/12
The past couple days I have struggled struggled struggled. To those who have never gone through this type of adversity may not understand this post, you may even think that I am a horrible person. So be it. As stated in the beginning of this journey this disease is horrible and we have no intention of just putting the good stuff out there. It is what it is and I am sooo human but the good thing is I am working through each ugly thing so that God can work His will through my imperfection and I have sooooo many that He has a lot of work to do.
So when Craig's goals and wishes surfaced a sentiment of support or even joy from his wife did not accompany them. I was ticked off!! Don't get me wrong I want him here for Morgan's birthday, the Jimmy Buffet concert, and even our anniversary BUT if I have to watch him deteriorate before my eyes each and every day I will pass on him being here for Morgan's birthday, Jimmy concert or our anniversary. To witness the side effects and the constant struggle day in and day out feels like torture. So to continue to see that into the springtime seems unbearable. Selfish? YES! I agree 110%!! The guilt on top of the anguish is just as tough to work through as the anguish itself. I have had several 2-year-old temper tantrums about this (darn) Jimmy Buffet concert, one in therapy, one in the middle of a support group, one in my living room by myself, several over the phone to loving friends and family and the final straw was to Craig yesterday. Yes, how selfish to even think about letting him know my true feelings and even in the loud way that it came about. Not pretty at all but that is just it, I am only human. I wish I were the wife that could just be the cheerleader that hung onto every word and every upcoming event but I am not. I am working on it though but my initial reaction was an ugly one and I even shocked myself with how bad of a reaction I had to upcoming events. I am HORRIBLE about living in limbo really really horrible. It is a constant struggle to turn it over and let God take the anxiety of how much more can I take of this?
We surrendered the overall outcome of this journey to Him but the day to day seems tougher and tougher. To say His will be done and if He wants Craig to make it to the Jimmy Buffet concert means that I witness another 6 weeks of deterioration (one half pound, one stomachache, one pain pill at a time) of the most important person in my life rather than releasing him to a better with life for him and quite frankly better concerts then so be it. PHIL. 4:13!!! So in my perspective I'm not sure a three hour concert is worth it but it is not up to me it is up to Him. I realize this will not be a popular perspective but don't judge until you have walked in my shoes.
So if in the past a couple weeks you have seen me and said something encouraging like, Craig looks good or it sounds like he is in great spirits or I am praying that you guys get to the UofL basketball game for Craig birthday or the Jimmy Buffet concert in March and you saw this weird grin on my face and I said something like thanks for the prayers... that's what that strange look was all about. (Did you think I was worried that my coconut bra wasn't going to fit at the Jimmy concert? I kid, I do not own a coconut bra and never have, for the record.) It was a string of emotional mess. I want my husband here for another 50 years, I want him here for every one of Morgan's birthdays and if he wants to tour with Jimmy Buffet so be it! (I wouldn't go, I flat out just don't like Jimmy Buffet.) But to witness this journey longer and longer is just hard. If you were someone that came up with to me with the best of intentions and had no idea that what was the goofy grin was about don't feel bad!! No matter what anyone ever says to me I am constantly thankful that you are talking to me b/c there are people out there that don't know what to say so they don't say anything and that is FAR worse of a feeling than someone saying the "wrong thing." There isn't a "wrong thing" to say when you say it with the best of intentions and the love in your heart. We know that and we TRULY thank you for each and every prayer!!! Really!
I hate to burst your bubble if you thought a Hallmark movie broke out in my house everyday but it is not like that. This is real life with real ugly emotions come along with a really ugly disease and I am struggling even one day at a time. SO please continue to pray for all of us.
Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
I can learn to pray about every and be anxious about nothing...through Christ who strengthen me. I can take each day and allow Him to walk with us regardless how long I have to witness this struggle...through Christ who gives me strength. I can learn to be let go and let God decide what events Craig will make it to through Christ who gives me strength. I can learn what true endurance is through Christ who gives me strength. I can even find joy (?!) in this walk through Christ who gives me strength.
It may take 1000 pity parties but that is going through the fire rather than around it... through Christ who gives me strength.
One day at a time we will get through this and we may even have a good time at the concert...through Christ who gives me strength.
I'm not sure I can hit "publish post" on this one....it took 4 days to hit publish.
Save me O God; for the waters have risen up to my neck.
I sink in muddy depths and have no foothold;
I am swept into a deep water, and the flood carries me away.
I am wearied with crying out, my throat is sore,
my eyes grow dim as I wait for God to help me.
Psalm 69:1-3 NEB
1/16/12
The past couple days I have struggled struggled struggled. To those who have never gone through this type of adversity may not understand this post, you may even think that I am a horrible person. So be it. As stated in the beginning of this journey this disease is horrible and we have no intention of just putting the good stuff out there. It is what it is and I am sooo human but the good thing is I am working through each ugly thing so that God can work His will through my imperfection and I have sooooo many that He has a lot of work to do.
So when Craig's goals and wishes surfaced a sentiment of support or even joy from his wife did not accompany them. I was ticked off!! Don't get me wrong I want him here for Morgan's birthday, the Jimmy Buffet concert, and even our anniversary BUT if I have to watch him deteriorate before my eyes each and every day I will pass on him being here for Morgan's birthday, Jimmy concert or our anniversary. To witness the side effects and the constant struggle day in and day out feels like torture. So to continue to see that into the springtime seems unbearable. Selfish? YES! I agree 110%!! The guilt on top of the anguish is just as tough to work through as the anguish itself. I have had several 2-year-old temper tantrums about this (darn) Jimmy Buffet concert, one in therapy, one in the middle of a support group, one in my living room by myself, several over the phone to loving friends and family and the final straw was to Craig yesterday. Yes, how selfish to even think about letting him know my true feelings and even in the loud way that it came about. Not pretty at all but that is just it, I am only human. I wish I were the wife that could just be the cheerleader that hung onto every word and every upcoming event but I am not. I am working on it though but my initial reaction was an ugly one and I even shocked myself with how bad of a reaction I had to upcoming events. I am HORRIBLE about living in limbo really really horrible. It is a constant struggle to turn it over and let God take the anxiety of how much more can I take of this?
We surrendered the overall outcome of this journey to Him but the day to day seems tougher and tougher. To say His will be done and if He wants Craig to make it to the Jimmy Buffet concert means that I witness another 6 weeks of deterioration (one half pound, one stomachache, one pain pill at a time) of the most important person in my life rather than releasing him to a better with life for him and quite frankly better concerts then so be it. PHIL. 4:13!!! So in my perspective I'm not sure a three hour concert is worth it but it is not up to me it is up to Him. I realize this will not be a popular perspective but don't judge until you have walked in my shoes.
So if in the past a couple weeks you have seen me and said something encouraging like, Craig looks good or it sounds like he is in great spirits or I am praying that you guys get to the UofL basketball game for Craig birthday or the Jimmy Buffet concert in March and you saw this weird grin on my face and I said something like thanks for the prayers... that's what that strange look was all about. (Did you think I was worried that my coconut bra wasn't going to fit at the Jimmy concert? I kid, I do not own a coconut bra and never have, for the record.) It was a string of emotional mess. I want my husband here for another 50 years, I want him here for every one of Morgan's birthdays and if he wants to tour with Jimmy Buffet so be it! (I wouldn't go, I flat out just don't like Jimmy Buffet.) But to witness this journey longer and longer is just hard. If you were someone that came up with to me with the best of intentions and had no idea that what was the goofy grin was about don't feel bad!! No matter what anyone ever says to me I am constantly thankful that you are talking to me b/c there are people out there that don't know what to say so they don't say anything and that is FAR worse of a feeling than someone saying the "wrong thing." There isn't a "wrong thing" to say when you say it with the best of intentions and the love in your heart. We know that and we TRULY thank you for each and every prayer!!! Really!
I hate to burst your bubble if you thought a Hallmark movie broke out in my house everyday but it is not like that. This is real life with real ugly emotions come along with a really ugly disease and I am struggling even one day at a time. SO please continue to pray for all of us.
Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
I can learn to pray about every and be anxious about nothing...through Christ who strengthen me. I can take each day and allow Him to walk with us regardless how long I have to witness this struggle...through Christ who gives me strength. I can learn to be let go and let God decide what events Craig will make it to through Christ who gives me strength. I can learn what true endurance is through Christ who gives me strength. I can even find joy (?!) in this walk through Christ who gives me strength.
It may take 1000 pity parties but that is going through the fire rather than around it... through Christ who gives me strength.
One day at a time we will get through this and we may even have a good time at the concert...through Christ who gives me strength.
I'm not sure I can hit "publish post" on this one....it took 4 days to hit publish.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Oldham Era article from December
http://www.oldhamera.com/content/young-father-battles-silent-killer
http://www.oldhamera.com/content/cancer-changes-christmas-local-families
There has been a couple articles in the Oldham Era since Craig did the proclamation. Attached are the links.
http://www.oldhamera.com/content/cancer-changes-christmas-local-families
There has been a couple articles in the Oldham Era since Craig did the proclamation. Attached are the links.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Upcoming Dates and Goals
I've got a few things coming up that are goals of mine. I guess you can replace the word "goal" with wishes or hopes of mine. We told the girls about me in earlier December and basically told the girls we'll take one day at a time. Our initial goal was Christmas and we mentioned my birthday and Morgan's birthday as days I'd "like" to be here for. Christmas came and we flew through that with flying colors. The last we had really talked about my birthday with the girls, we were cautiously optimistic. We all doubted that day to some extent. The other day I mentioned at the dinner table that my birthday was "x" amount of days away. Morgan's jaw dropped and looked at her mommy and Michelle and I both knew why. Morgan didn't think she'd be spending it with me and was prepared for that. She even asked "is daddy going to be here?" to her mom with me sitting at the table. It was very precious to see her concern but a tough moment for me. The girls are doing pretty good. Emily is concerned and admitted to her mom that other day that her pillow was all wet one night because she was crying about me. They have their moments but are staying strong. I haven't got to spend as much time as I would have liked to recently. They literally wear me out being in a room with them. Sometimes I'm just not feeling comfortable (stomach pains, lack of energy). They still put huge smiles on my face. After the shock of hearing I may not have long according to the doctors, I've come to learn no one is capable of putting a date out there on me except for God. I'm more optimistic these days that I may be able to accomplish some goals I didn't dream of seeing a month ago this time. I do not feel like I'm progressively getting worse, I'm obviously not getting better though. I'm still getting out of the house most days which is good and I can do things as long as I plan to rest pretty much all of the rest of the day. Michelle, Emily, Morgan and I are going to the UofL - DePaul basketball game this afternoon. This will be a great test for me but I'm up for the challenge and believe I should be fine.
I've got a few huge goals that I'd love to witness:
January 17th - my 34th birthday. I should have this one in the bag but it will be bittersweet as I really did not believe I would see it as of a month ago.
February 5th - the Superbowl. This isn't really a big goal but it would be nice to see either the Packers not playing or lose this game :)
February 22 - Morgan's 5th birthday. This is my current big time goal that I'm zeroed in on right now. Morgan really wants me to be at there to share it and I really want to be there. I love seeing my kids enjoy "their" day and this is a big deal. I don't want her to have an ounce of sadness on her big day.
March 3rd - Jimmy Buffett concert. Selfishly speaking, I'm amazed this happened. He never comes to Louisville and this got scheduled out of no where. If you would have asked me a month ago what one concert would I love to see here, it would have been Buffett. It was scheduled so quickly that I actually have a chance to go to it. A very good friend of mine gave me his club seats at the Yum for the concert so my seats are about 10 rows up from the front side of the stage. I'd love to be in shape to go to this. I may be the only one there without a Corona or margarita in hand though.
April 13th - 10 year wedding anniversary. This would be a true present from God. Marriage has been the most rewarding but also one of the hardest things I've ever worked at. I want to be able to say We did it. I've told you how much my wife means to me. Couples don't make it 10 years near enough. We have always worked on this together. I don't want Michelle to wake up this day in April by herself. This day seems far off but does seem obtainable. Words can't express what this day would mean to me.
That's as far as it's going to go right now. I am grateful for everyday and I mean that. Every evening I smile when I lay my head on the pillow in the late evening. Thanks again for everyone's support out there!. God has blessed us with all of you. Sorry I haven't been writing as much here lately but it really just means there's not much too report, which is good.
I've got a few huge goals that I'd love to witness:
January 17th - my 34th birthday. I should have this one in the bag but it will be bittersweet as I really did not believe I would see it as of a month ago.
February 5th - the Superbowl. This isn't really a big goal but it would be nice to see either the Packers not playing or lose this game :)
February 22 - Morgan's 5th birthday. This is my current big time goal that I'm zeroed in on right now. Morgan really wants me to be at there to share it and I really want to be there. I love seeing my kids enjoy "their" day and this is a big deal. I don't want her to have an ounce of sadness on her big day.
March 3rd - Jimmy Buffett concert. Selfishly speaking, I'm amazed this happened. He never comes to Louisville and this got scheduled out of no where. If you would have asked me a month ago what one concert would I love to see here, it would have been Buffett. It was scheduled so quickly that I actually have a chance to go to it. A very good friend of mine gave me his club seats at the Yum for the concert so my seats are about 10 rows up from the front side of the stage. I'd love to be in shape to go to this. I may be the only one there without a Corona or margarita in hand though.
April 13th - 10 year wedding anniversary. This would be a true present from God. Marriage has been the most rewarding but also one of the hardest things I've ever worked at. I want to be able to say We did it. I've told you how much my wife means to me. Couples don't make it 10 years near enough. We have always worked on this together. I don't want Michelle to wake up this day in April by herself. This day seems far off but does seem obtainable. Words can't express what this day would mean to me.
That's as far as it's going to go right now. I am grateful for everyday and I mean that. Every evening I smile when I lay my head on the pillow in the late evening. Thanks again for everyone's support out there!. God has blessed us with all of you. Sorry I haven't been writing as much here lately but it really just means there's not much too report, which is good.
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