We've been slackers

Okay so apparently we are slacking on the blog posts here lately. Craig update was short and sweet and even if you read between the lines I'm sure it didn't give a good pictures of what goes on in this lovely household. If you don't hear from us we are "fine". What does "fine" mean? "Fine" is defined for now as Craig sleeps most of the day, gets up to eat lunch and shower, the late afternoon is a mix of naps and watching cartoons with Emily after school. He sometimes eats dinner and sometimes just sits with us and munches on a snack. That is a "fine" day. Not so "fine" moment is stomach aches and a hunched over husband in the kitchen. A not so "fine" moment is the fatigued look that a simple shower can do to him. Another not so "fine" moment is simply sitting in the living room rather laying in bed is painful.
So if you don't hear from us it is usually a "fine" day with maybe a mix of not so "fine" moments.

I still have not lost faith. I know that His plan is still the best plan for our family. I hang on to the Hope that our story still has a fairy tale ending. I hold on to the fact that this is not our home and that Craig will simply have heaven before we do.
On the way home from church today Emily asked how old Jesus was when he died. We go over my age a lot. She tries to make sense of the situation. It is a tough lesson for a 6-year-old to figure out that some people get less than 80-100 years on this earth.
So that conversation in the car today was the following:
Emily: How old was Jesus when He died on the cross?
Me: 33
Emily: wow, that wasn't that long
Me: nope your right, but look at all He did in that short time. Healed the sick, taught people how to live.
Emily: He did a lot of good things.
Me: See it doesn't matter how much time He gives us, it is what we do with it that counts. Dad has done a lot of great things with the short time he has had. He ran two banks, had three kids, told a lot of people about God.
Emily: He is still here but he is going to heaven.
Me: yep
Morgan: (chimes in here and there)  I want to go to heaven but not for a while.
Emily: yeah me too. Mom, you going to heaven?
Me: Yep, b/c I know Jesus and He going to let me in.
Emily: What happens if you don't go to heaven? You just get buried?
Me: well that or you go to a place called hell. (why not? we're already knee deep.)
Morgan: I don't want to just get buried. I know Jesus.

It is about as simple as that. The rest of this "stuff" is just the pain of this world.                                                             

The past couple days have had more not so fine moments which of course is worrisome. Usually a bad afternoon is followed by a rebound but we haven't seen a rebound since maybe Wednesday or Thursday. Is this a couple rough days or not... ?? It is frustrating. It is hard. It is so hard to watch someone detearated in front of your eyes. The question that pops in my mind more often than once a week is "really how much more of this can I take." I found peace at church today. We started on The Story this week. We began with creation and then Adam and Eve and then on to Noah. To back up that far into our history has given a peaceful perspective that God is always in control. Always has been, always will be. So the answer to the question "how much more of this can I take?" is not in my hands, never has been. I have an addiction to Matthew West's new album. My theme song is  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knuHDPbE5es&feature=related.

The trip to Hilton Head next summer continues to come up with the girls. They know that Craig will be in heaven by then. They look forward to the trip all year but when the trip pops into their heads most of the time they remember that it will be "different" since dad won't be there. There are times that Morgan forgets that he won't be there. The other day she was asking if I would ride in the back with her in the car on the way down to HHI. In the past get them going on some games and then sit in the front seat about half the time. I have been driving 100% rather than Craig since mid-December so she was trying to figure out who was going to entertain her in the backseat for the long drive. I told her we would probably drive down with the Deitzs and then she asked if that meant that Daddy would ride in the back. It is heartbreaking to have to remind them that it will just be us going.

Tonight Morgan's bedtime prayer was for Dad to be alive on her birthday. I asked her if we were ever going to be ready to let him go. We all agreed we weren't going to be ready to let him go but we wanted him for Morgan's birthday for sure. Morgan will be 5 on February 22nd.

So to say it is hard right now is about the biggest understatement of the century. Pray for us.