This post has been sitting in the "saved" folder for many days. It is ugly but the truth. I think God has asked me to post even though it is so scary to think that someone will think that I am a horrible wife b/c of my true feelings. God is working on me one day at a time just as we work through this one day at a time.
Save me O God; for the waters have risen up to my neck.
I sink in muddy depths and have no foothold;
I am swept into a deep water, and the flood carries me away.
I am wearied with crying out, my throat is sore,
my eyes grow dim as I wait for God to help me.
Psalm 69:1-3 NEB
1/16/12
The past couple days I have struggled struggled struggled. To those who have never gone through this type of adversity may not understand this post, you may even think that I am a horrible person. So be it. As stated in the beginning of this journey this disease is horrible and we have no intention of just putting the good stuff out there. It is what it is and I am sooo human but the good thing is I am working through each ugly thing so that God can work His will through my imperfection and I have sooooo many that He has a lot of work to do.
So when Craig's goals and wishes surfaced a sentiment of support or even joy from his wife did not accompany them. I was ticked off!! Don't get me wrong I want him here for Morgan's birthday, the Jimmy Buffet concert, and even our anniversary BUT if I have to watch him deteriorate before my eyes each and every day I will pass on him being here for Morgan's birthday, Jimmy concert or our anniversary. To witness the side effects and the constant struggle day in and day out feels like torture. So to continue to see that into the springtime seems unbearable. Selfish? YES! I agree 110%!! The guilt on top of the anguish is just as tough to work through as the anguish itself. I have had several 2-year-old temper tantrums about this (darn) Jimmy Buffet concert, one in therapy, one in the middle of a support group, one in my living room by myself, several over the phone to loving friends and family and the final straw was to Craig yesterday. Yes, how selfish to even think about letting him know my true feelings and even in the loud way that it came about. Not pretty at all but that is just it, I am only human. I wish I were the wife that could just be the cheerleader that hung onto every word and every upcoming event but I am not. I am working on it though but my initial reaction was an ugly one and I even shocked myself with how bad of a reaction I had to upcoming events. I am HORRIBLE about living in limbo really really horrible. It is a constant struggle to turn it over and let God take the anxiety of how much more can I take of this?
We surrendered the overall outcome of this journey to Him but the day to day seems tougher and tougher. To say His will be done and if He wants Craig to make it to the Jimmy Buffet concert means that I witness another 6 weeks of deterioration (one half pound, one stomachache, one pain pill at a time) of the most important person in my life rather than releasing him to a better with life for him and quite frankly better concerts then so be it. PHIL. 4:13!!! So in my perspective I'm not sure a three hour concert is worth it but it is not up to me it is up to Him. I realize this will not be a popular perspective but don't judge until you have walked in my shoes.
So if in the past a couple weeks you have seen me and said something encouraging like, Craig looks good or it sounds like he is in great spirits or I am praying that you guys get to the UofL basketball game for Craig birthday or the Jimmy Buffet concert in March and you saw this weird grin on my face and I said something like thanks for the prayers... that's what that strange look was all about. (Did you think I was worried that my coconut bra wasn't going to fit at the Jimmy concert? I kid, I do not own a coconut bra and never have, for the record.) It was a string of emotional mess. I want my husband here for another 50 years, I want him here for every one of Morgan's birthdays and if he wants to tour with Jimmy Buffet so be it! (I wouldn't go, I flat out just don't like Jimmy Buffet.) But to witness this journey longer and longer is just hard. If you were someone that came up with to me with the best of intentions and had no idea that what was the goofy grin was about don't feel bad!! No matter what anyone ever says to me I am constantly thankful that you are talking to me b/c there are people out there that don't know what to say so they don't say anything and that is FAR worse of a feeling than someone saying the "wrong thing." There isn't a "wrong thing" to say when you say it with the best of intentions and the love in your heart. We know that and we TRULY thank you for each and every prayer!!! Really!
I hate to burst your bubble if you thought a Hallmark movie broke out in my house everyday but it is not like that. This is real life with real ugly emotions come along with a really ugly disease and I am struggling even one day at a time. SO please continue to pray for all of us.
Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
I can learn to pray about every and be anxious about nothing...through Christ who strengthen me. I can take each day and allow Him to walk with us regardless how long I have to witness this struggle...through Christ who gives me strength. I can learn to be let go and let God decide what events Craig will make it to through Christ who gives me strength. I can learn what true endurance is through Christ who gives me strength. I can even find joy (?!) in this walk through Christ who gives me strength.
It may take 1000 pity parties but that is going through the fire rather than around it... through Christ who gives me strength.
One day at a time we will get through this and we may even have a good time at the concert...through Christ who gives me strength.
I'm not sure I can hit "publish post" on this one....it took 4 days to hit publish.
18 comments:
I loved the honesty in your blog post. I'm sure your feelings weren't far off from anyone who's had to experience anything close to what you're going through. It really stinks what you're dealing with and I don't expect anyone to be cheerful about it every day. I will continue to pray for your guys.
I feel your anxiety and helplessness and anger too... I also had many days of "enough already".... I like that you vent and tell the truth - I have had people be very critical of me when I did the same.
I had the occasional tantrums as well, it just happens - eventually you have a breaking point and it all comes spilling out - Wow - you're normal - go figure.
One Day At A Time you sweet lady, it's all you can do.
I pray a lot again - you are a big part of that. I have found much peach since mid December - I will check up on you always - I feel like you are my kid now and I need to know you are o.k. (by the way, being angry and having tantrums, is OK).
MK
Anyone who has ever watched someone they love suffer the way you are watching Craig suffer will understand your words and your pain! Your spirit, your faith and you amazing strength are an inspiration.
Though I am not in your shoes I carry my own pain watching my 98 year grandmother suffer through a life she no longer wants to live. I pray every day that the Good Lord will take her home but I know that it is not in my time but his. Thank you for sharing your heart and your pain...you make me feel less alone in my thoughts.
You, Craig and your beautiful girls remain always in my prayers.
So glad you posted this. Supporting someone does not include judging them. We are not in your shoes and have NO idea what our feelings would be in the same situation. I pray for you all so often. That prayer is usually for God to let His will be done because I certainly have no idea what is best for you all.
You are a wonderful wife in that you can always communicate how you feel to Craig and most importantly that you love him so much you are willing to let him go and not be selfish and pray for him to stay when he is in such pain.
When my mother was sick and dying from colon cancer, at age 48, I prayed for her to die. I loved her so much that I didn't want her to suffer. I miss her tremendously each day for the past 14 years but I know that she is no longer in pain and with God!
You all are in our prayers and we are praying that God gives you strength and wraps his arms around you and the girls to help you make it one day at a time.
I am SO glad that you published this post - I know you fear what reaction you will receive from readers of the blog, but let me assure you that all of us out here LOVE you all, CARE for you all, SUPPORT you all - through all of the emotions, good and bad. I think this post is honest and I can only imagine that it feels somewhat cathartic to get that out. I certainly have never been in your shoes, but I believe it is only natural to not want to see someone that you love (as much as you do for Craig) suffer in any way, shape, or form. It is clearly difficult for the person enduring the pain, and I can imagine the anguish that you must feel. Bottom line - never worry about a single post you create, there is no judgment from anyone, only support. I LOVE YOU, and lift you all in prayer constantly.
THank you for staying who God created. Will continue to pray
Michelle,
To hear an honest, real, authentic post from a wife and mother who must continue to bear the burden of this horrible disease long after her husband has been released into God's glory is both heartbreaking and refreshing.
Don't beat yourself up for being tired, stressed out, anxious, annoyed, angry, or sad.
Don't beat yourself up for building a marriage where you can be comfortable in sharing your true feelings.
Don't beat yourself up for being human.
And, especially, don't beat yourself up by the imaginary people you think will believe you are horrible. The real people think you're amazing.
Thoughts and prayers are with you, lifting you up when you feel you can't walk another step.
Hang in there.
Anyone who has been anywhere near this understands. Any of us who've taken care of a loved one through this, totally gets it. And let me assure you, seeing it from the other side as a nurse, frequently, we're not alone. Once again, thank you for being so real, I think your honesty is helping and will help you more than you may realize and anyone who reads this who goes through this in the future will probably have a lightbulb moment with maybe less of the guilt. I pray for you both daily, you've got the world on your shoulders Michelle. And allow yourself a tantrum or two, this isn't fair and really sucks. Big big big hugs.
Michelle my beautiful young brother Michel is going through the same thing...I had exactly the same thoughts as you did...I can't bear to see him suffer and deteriorate. When we really love someone we want them to be well even if that means not with us...xxx
Michelle,
The reason MANY people continue to read your alls blog is not because they read it to hear the hallmark moments and the sugar coated stories. We read it because we support ALL OF YOU. We read it because we know you ALL are struggling and you all need support. We read it and are amazed at how honest you and Craig have been about his entire journey; the good, the bad, and especially the ugly. Your alls blog is unlike so many. Neither you nor Craig blame blame blame nor do you make this process "fake" in any sense of the word. You've given the world an insight into your very private lives, emotions, hopes, fears, triumphs, and struggles....how can ANYONE judge you for that?!?!
Keep the faith and know that you are loved and supported by so many.
Jenny Graff
Dear Michelle,
The depth of despair is equal only to the depth of your love. You know it occurs to me that cancer has a way of stripping all the pretty off, in more ways than one. We want to be strong and be positive for our loved ones, after all, they're the ones actually suffering with the cancer and facing death head-on... But sometimes we just need someone to be strong for us. Because we're suffering with the cancer too and facing death of life as we know it - head-on.
You are an amazing woman, brave and faithful. Craig is a blessed man to have you stand alongside him in this fight. You are going thru the fire, there is no doubt. "I've refined you, but not without fire. I've tested you like silver in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10 How many times have I read these ancient passages and just nodded without a thought to the personal pain and anguish caused by the "furnace of affliction?" Too many. But now it is real. I am learning that there is a deep sacrificial cost in the refining.
Your life already shines with a beauty not meant for this earth. Do we understand why we have to walk thru the fire? Beats me... But walk it we are. May God bless the obedience and multiply the Grace.
You are loved and hugged and prayed over daily. Always, Jane
Have you ever thought that maybe it was time to just let the Lord worry about the details? Of when Craig's time is up here on earth; of which birthdays he won't be physically present to attend; of concerts he'll no longer be able to enjoy? It seems you might be getting too caught up in the pain of the moments...the day to day...thoughts of a very different future, but all the while, you're missing out on the very sweet, simple, once-in-a-lifetime moments that are staring you right in the face with your very much alive husband. I'm certain he's desperate to just see you choosing to live each and every second with him while he's still here with as much joy and happiness as you can possibly muster up, but instead, it seems you'd rather just get on with things because you know the time's eventually going to come.
Quit thinking, Michelle. Start breathing. Savor every moment you can with Craig while he's here. If he wants to go to a concert, move Heaven and earth to get him there -- and enjoy the time together! Forget about all the rest. In the grand scheme of things, it's simply not important. I'd hate for you to look around you when he's gone wishing for just one more day to undo all the "rushing to get it over with already" that seems to be going on. You've got time with your husband now. Breath it in. Cherish every single second you have with him. There's going to be pain, physicially and emotitionally. But ask God to make it bearable so you can enjoy your sweet husband. Don't wish his days away just so you can get started on your journey to a new normal. He needs your love. He needs your time. Most of all, he deserves both.
If my husband was dying and he wanted to fly to the moon, I'd find a way to get him there...
Blessings,
Elle
I don't normally comment on my own blog BUT I wanted to thank everyone for all the prayers.
@Elle, I am doing just that, letting the lord in control. You have clearly never watched a love-one suffer from a terminal illness. I want the best for Craig and it is not of this world. Sometimes (most of the time if we are really honest) you have to deal with the ugly to be able to "cherish the moment" and that is what I have done. We celebrated his birthday last night with friends and had a blast and I cherished every moment of being his date for the evening. That doesn't dismiss the fact that I HATE that he has a stomachache this morning that has left him doubled over not eating breakfast and in bed for what might be the rest of the day. cherish that? not possible! I would have said the same thing 18 months ago but until you have walked the walk be careful what you project what you would do.
Michelle -
I'm sorry that you were judged by someone for your honesty. You have every right to be frustrated, tired, and sad. Everyone has the right to their own opinion, but it is obvious from almost every other post that you give love out every moment of every day. I know that you receive it back, but it can be exhausting to just hug, kiss, listen, make decisions, etc. With each of those actions you give a little piece of yourself to bring peace to the other person.
If someone doesn't agree with what you are saying, they can close the window and move on. You didn't ask for advice, you just needed to vent. Go ahead and scream, pout, and wallow, it would be completely destructive to you to not want to. I know that you will turn around and be the best wife and mother that anyone could be in a situation that most of us can't even imagine.
You have a great circle of support, and I hope you don't stop posting honest and normal comments.
Heather
You are doing a great job being human, being a wife, being a mother, and being you. I can't imagine anyone having the gall to judge you at a time like this. Even people who have similar experiences have different feelings because EVERYONE is different as God intended it. I won't repeat what most people have already said, so just know that I appreciate you being honest. It will help people who walk a similar path to know that it is ok to continue to be human.
Michelle,
Just wanted to echo words of support - your honesty and picture of reality has (and will) tremendously help others who walk a similar path.
Caring for a sick loved one, managing your thoughts and feelings, and navigating the daily tasks (in addition to the grief) involved in raising 3 beautiful, productive children is the work of a superwoman.
You bravely published this post so that we can all witness the reality of cancer. May you find peace in knowing that those of us who have "been there" in some way can understand - and that we greatly cherish and support your honesty.
In a way, may you also find an element of joy in knowing that some people can't possibly understand your thoughts and feelings. I hope that, someday, the people who can't understand far outnumber those who do - because that will mean that a cure has been found, and other people will not have to walk your path and experience your pain.
Hang in there, and know that you have the support and prayers of so many.
Michelle,
Your post helped more people than you can imagine. I remember those times when caring for a loved one who had terminal cancer. I remember the conflicting emotions tha we all had and it would be so much better if more people could voice the good and the bad. To know that it okay to feel all of it and not just be the "cheerleader."
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