I've got a few things coming up that are goals of mine. I guess you can replace the word "goal" with wishes or hopes of mine. We told the girls about me in earlier December and basically told the girls we'll take one day at a time. Our initial goal was Christmas and we mentioned my birthday and Morgan's birthday as days I'd "like" to be here for. Christmas came and we flew through that with flying colors. The last we had really talked about my birthday with the girls, we were cautiously optimistic. We all doubted that day to some extent. The other day I mentioned at the dinner table that my birthday was "x" amount of days away. Morgan's jaw dropped and looked at her mommy and Michelle and I both knew why. Morgan didn't think she'd be spending it with me and was prepared for that. She even asked "is daddy going to be here?" to her mom with me sitting at the table. It was very precious to see her concern but a tough moment for me. The girls are doing pretty good. Emily is concerned and admitted to her mom that other day that her pillow was all wet one night because she was crying about me. They have their moments but are staying strong. I haven't got to spend as much time as I would have liked to recently. They literally wear me out being in a room with them. Sometimes I'm just not feeling comfortable (stomach pains, lack of energy). They still put huge smiles on my face. After the shock of hearing I may not have long according to the doctors, I've come to learn no one is capable of putting a date out there on me except for God. I'm more optimistic these days that I may be able to accomplish some goals I didn't dream of seeing a month ago this time. I do not feel like I'm progressively getting worse, I'm obviously not getting better though. I'm still getting out of the house most days which is good and I can do things as long as I plan to rest pretty much all of the rest of the day. Michelle, Emily, Morgan and I are going to the UofL - DePaul basketball game this afternoon. This will be a great test for me but I'm up for the challenge and believe I should be fine.
I've got a few huge goals that I'd love to witness:
January 17th - my 34th birthday. I should have this one in the bag but it will be bittersweet as I really did not believe I would see it as of a month ago.
February 5th - the Superbowl. This isn't really a big goal but it would be nice to see either the Packers not playing or lose this game :)
February 22 - Morgan's 5th birthday. This is my current big time goal that I'm zeroed in on right now. Morgan really wants me to be at there to share it and I really want to be there. I love seeing my kids enjoy "their" day and this is a big deal. I don't want her to have an ounce of sadness on her big day.
March 3rd - Jimmy Buffett concert. Selfishly speaking, I'm amazed this happened. He never comes to Louisville and this got scheduled out of no where. If you would have asked me a month ago what one concert would I love to see here, it would have been Buffett. It was scheduled so quickly that I actually have a chance to go to it. A very good friend of mine gave me his club seats at the Yum for the concert so my seats are about 10 rows up from the front side of the stage. I'd love to be in shape to go to this. I may be the only one there without a Corona or margarita in hand though.
April 13th - 10 year wedding anniversary. This would be a true present from God. Marriage has been the most rewarding but also one of the hardest things I've ever worked at. I want to be able to say We did it. I've told you how much my wife means to me. Couples don't make it 10 years near enough. We have always worked on this together. I don't want Michelle to wake up this day in April by herself. This day seems far off but does seem obtainable. Words can't express what this day would mean to me.
That's as far as it's going to go right now. I am grateful for everyday and I mean that. Every evening I smile when I lay my head on the pillow in the late evening. Thanks again for everyone's support out there!. God has blessed us with all of you. Sorry I haven't been writing as much here lately but it really just means there's not much too report, which is good.
6 comments:
I loved reading this post. I love the optimism in it. We don't know each other, but we are brother & sister in Christ. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't pray for you & your beautiful family. Im praying for a miracle. Blessings! Tracie V Hendersonville, TN
Once again, your words are encouraging and touching. My Ed was an optimist all the way to the end and I love that you have this amazing gift in you as well.
Now, Ed's beloved Packers are out, but it seems that made your day. So I'll give it to you. Ha. As die hard Cleveland Brown fans, we always have a back up team - his was the Packers, mine include the NO Saints :( Out as well. I hope you make every goal and important day that you stated.
Rest, Pray and Love.... And when you do meet Ed, you guys can talk football in a land where each of your favorite teams go to the Super Bowl every year.
MK
Happy Birthday Craig! With Love and Hopes for a Wonderful Day!
The Brown Family
Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy birthday, dear Craig! Happy birthday to you!!! My gift to you is the Packers are out! You're welcome. I hope you enjoy your day with your family. Blessings.
Stephanie (Bell) Davidson
I just read an article from December that was posted on Facebook. My heart goes out to you and your family. My husband was diagnosed with Signet Ring Adenocarinoma (SRAC), a very rare form of bladder cancer in February 2008. He first experienced a burning sensation when urinating the October before. The doctors were treating him for prostitus up until January 2008, when they decided to run additional test. Even then we only knew it was bladder cancer, not what type. That information came after. From the after-surgery pathalogy report. I remember going back to work after being told, and the first thing I did was look it up on the computer. There were only a few sentences, but they rocked my world. They were posted in 1989. Really? Nothing more current? They told me that SRAC comes by stealth. It shows no systems until stage 4. Over 55% are dead within a year. Shocked, my first thought was why did I look this up?? He passed in June of 2008, 238 days after his first system. 156 days before our 26th anniversary.
Your story made me cry. Because I know what your family is going through. Some of the facts are the same. The lack of information. The conversations about final wishes. I too planned everything ahead. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it later. My children were older. Not sure if that is better or worse. Young children have the ability to adapt quicker, so I'm told. Either way it stinks. My husband was 53 when he passed. He lived more years, but I thought I would have him for at least 15 or 20 more. We were supposed to grow old together.
I also started a blog through CaringBridge. It was originally for getting the word out to family and friends about what we were finding out and how he was doing. It ended up being an outlet for me. I went back and read my postings after he passed, and couldn't belive how open I had been.
So yes, I understand what you are going through. I have been there. I am sure you are told how strong you are being. How well you dealing with everything. Unless you have been through something similar, you can't understand. It is what it is. It is your reality. You do not have the luxury of not dealing. But, that's ok, because faith and the Father will carry you along.
My husband had faith and believed he was going home. My faith allowed me to mourn, but only because I lost his physical presence. My faith carried me through the mourning until I knew the joy that he was indeed home.
My husbands optimism, and strength were amazing. I pray that yours is as stong. Until we meet at God's table. Bless you and your family.
My God hold you and your family in his hands. God Bless you.
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