What would this journey be like without God?

I got a close enough taste to that question on New Year's Eve evening. I got so ahead of myself with all the talk of new year resolutions and questions of big plans and the "Happy New Year's!" We stayed in for the night but I ended up on the couch most of the night. We have done well taking one day at a time but I took the whole year in one big panic attack. When I get so overwhelmingly stressed out I get incredibly nausea, the room spins and I feel 1st trimester pregnant (yuck).
I was making a mental list of all the things that would happen in 2012.  1. My husband will die in 2012. 2. Morgan will go to kindergarten and has trouble with transitions 3. potty training Hannah (BY MYSELF!) I hate potty training. 3. Emily will be in 1st grade and have homework, how are we going to manage that in the evenings. 4. weddings by myself, 5. holidays by myself. the list went on and on and on...
Knowing this will (probably) be THE hardest year of my entire life and making a mental list of all the events coming up made me sick. I had myself in such a tither that in 10...9...8...7 --- 3...2...1 was simply a count down to the trip to the bathroom. I can't say that I have never kissing the white throne on New Year's Eve before but those times were for much different reasons.

Plain and simple I hadn't recharged myself in two weeks. With Christmas festivities the first week of the Holiday break and post-Christmas blues and running around with three crazy kids the second week it is no wonder I ended up in a world of hurt for the night. I went from entertaining the kids to, lunches and dinners with friends, to doctors appointments, to staying up late talking to Craig. Not once picking up a devotional, listening to a sermon, not following any of the encouraging blogs I follow, not going to a support group, not taking a break to just do something quiet... so yes I ran myself square into the ground. Not pretty. Not pretty at all.

Monday and today were recharge days. Kids are back at school and I took some time for me and I got a manicure (which turned out to be frustrating - one manicurist that speaks English - just once in a while - that's all I ask!) and today I ran some errands and went to yoga. Starting to really love yoga, honestly I thought it was just a good way to stretch and any beyond that was just for the fruit-cakes out there but I might just be one of those fruit-cakes! It is so wonderful when you go in with the intention to rebuild your strength. Most of the time that I am in there I hear this song playing in the back of my mind. I feel an inch taller when I leave. Love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6chgnpKmu58

Today I also prayed and prayed and prayed for two things: 1. regain strength and get God back in the center of my focus so that I could be there for my family and 2. for a wonderful old/new friend from high school. I can't go into too many details without his permission but he has been such an encouragement to me over the last couple weeks. It really is a God story (I have at least a million, ask me I LOVE telling them). Couple months ago I was truly sick of this situation talking about it, praying about it even thinking about it. I just needed a break from hearing myself talk about cancer. So I took a break, I read "The Help" rather than self help book or cancer help book. I went to my Facing Adversity group on a Thursday and told them I am truly sick and tired of this... and one guy said that he had started to pray for others when he was sick of himself. It renewed his relationship with God without wallowing in self-pity. So Friday morning I set out to do just that pray for others, stay close to God in conversation but I was DONE talking about cancer. So of course before starting my workday I procrastinated a bit and jumped on facebook. (don't judge, you do it too, don't lie). I saw a link to a story that I couldn't believe. An amazing, encouraging, courageous story of a friend in high school that had faced adversity in the worst kind and overcame (in a BIG way). So I FB emailed him and we began a dialogue back and forth. He is doing great things today and he is putting in a lot of hours (now) but he is walking a wonderfully righteous path and I am praying for him each step of the way. Praying for others has renewed my relationship with God in ways that I couldn't have imagined. So many people have emailed us and said they were praying for us and I have to believe that a part of His plan for this adversity is for each person that prays for us to renew their relationship with Him. It is a Beautiful Thing.

So what would each day of this journey look like without a daily renewal of my relationship with God? Like vomit. (there is no sugar-coating that) I would be terribly nausea ALL the time and probably throwing up most days from the stress. There has been so many times I have asked myself "Why are we so okay?" "Why are we not completely panicked?" "Why is this house not completely falling apart?" Most would say oh they are really religious (yuck!!), it is not that, saying you are a part of one church or the other isn't going to get you any further than believe in nothing at all. Some might say we have an incredible faith...kind of, but it is more than that... it is a relationship... it is conversations... it is renewal each day with God through His gift of the holy spirit. I was reading Kyle Idleman's book "Not a Fan" one night and came upon the chapter on the holy spirit. Let's be brutally honest, I really didn't get the holy spirit until recently. It was explained to me in school, I even went to Holy Trinity for grade school so I was explained the three as one thing but really the concept of the holy spirit is a little hard to get a handle on.
In the book the scene is set in heaven and you are asking Old Testament figures what it was like to be in their journey (example: David, what was it like to defeat a giant?) and they ask you in return these three questions:
Tell me what it is like on earth to have the Holy Spirit living inside you giving you strength when you are weak.
What was it like to live life on earth with the Holy Spirit giving you joy when you're depressed or giving you power to overcome that sin/adversity in your life?
What was it like to have the Holy Spirit giving you directions when you didn't know what to do or where to go?
I know what it is like to have the holy spirit giving me strength, giving me joy, overcoming sin and adversity and directing the decisions. It is like having super-hero powers. Superman can fly, Batman has the bat mobile, Wonder-woman - what did she have besides a good body and nice hair?, spider-man can scale walls with his web-thing. Followers of Jesus Christ have the holy spirit only it is fact not fiction. It is not a comic book or movie, it is real life. 

I am not naive to think this will not be THE most difficult year of my life but I am confident in knowing that this past year we are living proof of my favorite scripture Phil 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

That was a lot about me (sorry), here is a running down of the rest of the Merimee crew:
Craig: um inconsistent would be the best word to describe it. Somedays are fine and he feels good and then he gets frustrated that he can't drive b/c of the pain meds. Mostly tired. Lots of naps. He usually picks one mid-day activity and rallies to do that, then he will eat dinner with us and help out with the girls, hang out with the family, read to the Emily and Morgan, Hannah wiggles too much it doens't go well. Then we hang out watching mindless TV or just chatting. We talk late into the night some times.

Emily: She started riding the bus home from school since she started back and she is really excited about this change in transportation. They went to art therapy this past week and she drew two pictures of her and Craig laying in bed watching cartoons and playing games on the iphone or Vtech. She loves her one on one time with him. They are two peas in a pod for sure.

Morgan: She is having a hard figuring out what to ask and some things seem to be bothering her but she doesn't say much. Adores being apart of this family even if she can't figure things out.

Hannah: Is saying a little more. She loves to dance. She has two new teeth so she is up to 10 total. She will come up to squeeze you for no reason at all without asking. I think those are hugs from God since her name means gift from God.

So that is the longest post ever...
Told ya I was recharged! :)

Please keep praying for peace in our house!
And add Pat who works at the Healing Place on your list (please). He is doing good things.