Ursula

You know that scene in the movie The Little Mermaid where Ursula the sea witch is trying to capture Ariel's voice in the sea shell? She keeps screaming "Keep Singing! Keep singing!" Ariel sings her little heart out until her voice is gone and her fins turn into feet. Do you know what I am talking about?

Anyway, I feel like Ursula when I tell people to keep praying. Good thing I don't look like her, seriously sea witch cut back on the french fries. But things seem to be going well for Craig so keep praying, it is working. The CT scan is Monday and we need the spots in the liver to be gone and another decrease in the pancreatic tumor size. Well and I have to throw it out there b/c I am an overachiever but wouldn't it be great if it was all gone!!!Unexplainable gone? SO "keep praying!!!! keep praying!!!"

Things are okay. I am .... hmmm I really can't think of an emotion to fill in that blank. tired? no, you can sleep tired off. ticked off? no. in a funk? no you can shake that with some exercise. blah? no, that is kind of like funk you can shake that. I guess I am numb, exhausted, scared, and just kind of here. I did go to see a therapist. Which I am telling you on the blog b/c #1 there is nothing to be ashamed of, #2 b/c it is far less embarrassing to go to see a therapist that to lose your mind in aisle 3 of a Kroger store. (clean up in aisle 3, Michelle is throwing another temper tantrum and her kids are looking at her funny). Anyway. She was very insightful. She is through the counseling center at SECC. We went through a couple bible stories where people were in situations where the weight of the world was on their shoulders and they were in despair. God heard their cry and sent them help. It was a different outlook then a typical "God will give you strength in tough times" outlook. It wasn't let God and the bible help you plow through a tough situation the message was feel your pain and take my tears to God. It was interesting. A little taxing to let myself go down that road of actually digesting the mess that we have in this house. It is one thing to live through a messy situation and another to learn and let the situation make you a better person. This is life-changing. Whether we wanted our life changed or not it is what it is. We wouldn't have a better relationship with God in the end of all this suffering if we just asked to get us through. We have to grow with the situation. I am not really sure what that means. Honestly it has taken me a full 40 hours to get that much into words. This is quite a challenge. I have never been in a situation you couldn't talk your way through until you found a solution. I know talking it out will help me work through the emotions that go along with it but there is really not a solution to this. I am a very problem/solution kind of gal so this is a new way of dealing with something. I don't like it but if this the plan that He has set before us then ... His will be done.... we are trusting that He will be there but wow those are hard words to mean. You can say them all you want but to really mean them... His will be done... that could be messy. It might mean tears, it might mean setting aside time for messiness, it might mean a personal day here and there to sit and be still. It might mean things are not so black and white. yuck. messy. Someone give me a spreadsheet quick! add up numbers... ahhh that makes sense... this mess ....not so much. There is not an excel worksheet on cancer. I don't like that either.

Okay, I am logging off here b/c I am pretty sure this post doesn't make any sense.  Hope He knows what I mean. He does, more than I know what I mean.

Oh and prayers for the Clark-Davis family. Little boy Davis is coming into this world tomorrow morning via C-section. Very excited for his entrance. prayers for mom (Sara) and baby brother (name - TBD). ;)