On the positive

I have been having some really good days this week and feel like I have tons of things to talk about that are on my mind.  I'm about the most positive I've been this week mainly because I'm feeling good.  I like being positive, I may still shed a tear each day but it is for joy, I'm a little emotional still.  I had 2 good lunches this week with ole work buddies that was a little overdue.  Work is something that I think about a lot because I've now been 4 months removed from doing it.  I miss a lot people and those relationships that I had formed over the 10 years I have been at BB&T (my 10 year anniversary was the day I checked into the hospital).  I've been trying to find the right time to poke my head in a meeting to say hi but haven't the opportunity and unfortunately the schedules don't always jive.  I also think about how much I want to get back to work but am scared for that day.  I miss work in the sense that my worries were work worries but they weren't life worries.  I hope I get back sometime this summer which means I'm feeling good, it means I'm in shape.  I'm also scared as heck to when/if that day comes just because I envision myself to be overcome emotionally of just making it back to work.  I'm worried I'll be fit emotionally and physically to take it's normal toll from the day.  My best days now I still take a 2 hour nap in the afternoon so I can't even imagine right now that I may someday have the ability to work a full day.  I'll have to get my strength built back up.  I'd need to gain about 15 lbs at least, my little secret now that I won't share with you the number, I don't weigh much, at all.  I've lost about 40 lbs total.  My other problem with going back to work is I'd need a total wardrobe overhaul.  All this being said, I hope I can make it back to work.
In another thought, my blessing I realized I'm not the most grateful for but will take on is my "taking one for the team."  I spoke up at a church group function tonight about overcoming adversity, for example, and my story is a quite compelling one that usually puts things in perspective pretty quickly.  I've had many people that have shared with me that my story has put things in their own life in "perspective."  In this sense, I don't mind taking one for the team and I've mentioned before that sometimes I wonder if this is a reason I was given this disease.  I've got a quite compelling story to share.  I found one stat on the internet from the cancer institute that 0.4% of those folks diagnosed with pancreatic cancer are 34 and below.  That's pretty bad luck on my part.  I am the extreme minority of this horrible disease.  I still take some solace in knowing that my body is/was in better shape than most of my unfortunate comrades.  Anyhow, if my story makes you view things in a different light, I don't mind and I'll "take one for the team."
Lastly, the biggest point I emphasized in my church group tonight is that the power of prayer is powerful.  I feel the prayers from people in different parts of the country and from here.  A lot of folks ask what they can do or have the desire to do something for me.  One of the most powerful things you can do for me is to pray for myself and importantly my family.  This also means having a conversation with God about the miracle we are asking for.  We believe that God can do anything and can make this happen.