Just irritated

I have been irritated this week. just irritated. I am ticked I can't rely on people that should be reliable. I am irritated that Craig is on and off. I know that I should be thankful for the good days. I know that. I am irritated when people post stupid complaints on facebook. Don't do that. I will call you out. I will ask to trade places and you will delete the post b/c you were embarrassed. save yourself, mama is on the war-path.

I am irritated that people think this is just peachy-keen b/c the numbers are going in the right direction. That doesn't take away from the fact there is cancer in the house. You can't live and die by the numbers. His numbers were good a couple weeks back and the nurse in the ER looked at him and thought it was the beginning of the end. Don't tell me to be thankful for the good numbers. I am irritated by chemo fog. (grrr... this one makes me crazy). I am irritated that we found solutions to digestive issues and Dr. Hamm says "hmmm that makes sense" Oh yeah, if it make so much sense why didn't you come up with it when we were in panic mode?! There are scars left from weeks of worry that are not eliminated b/c a stupid tumor marker that is going in the right direction. There are memories of weeks of horror that are not erased by a couple good days and a quicker recovery from a chemo treatment.

I have a 3 year old that has anxiety. Does she have anxiety b/c her dad is sick? Is she anxious b/c she is a middle child? Is she ticked off b/c the newness of Hannah has worn off and Hannah gets a lot of attention? Is she mad b/c Emily doesn't go to Michelle's house on Thursdays any more? Is she upset b/c Emily can practically read and she compares herself to Emily? I don't know but it is irritating not knowing what to do.
I am just irritated. I am ticked off that sometimes it is just easier to take the girls out by myself b/c it is less stressful then checking in with Craig every 15 minutes to see if he is too tired for the next stop. I am just irritated.

I am irritated that I can't be the friend that I once was. I am irritated that I get off the phone with friends and think, why in the world would some want to be my friend through this? I am Debbie the Downer ever time I am on the phone. I try to keep an upbeat attitude but sometimes the simple facts of the situation are just crap. They are hard to say. They are probably harder to hear. I hate this. I use to be a fun person.

Being irritated doesn't mean that I don't have faith that God is right here either. I know He is here with us each step of the way. I know that He directs the sails.
You can have faith, real faith and still be irritated in a crummy situation. Having faith doesn't mean the you blow sunshine in every direction all the time. That is not what faith is.

So when people ask how are we doing. We are doing fine. And we really are. Today we took the girls to Puzzles Fun Dome with all the bounce houses and they had a blast. Craig and I went to dinner tonight. We are functioning and really doing fine. The house may not be as clean as it should and I sometime can't always figure what is wrong with my girls but that is all normal. And yes Craig's cancer numbers are going in the right direct so we are just freakin' fine!!
This post sounds like I am throwing things and yelling and I am not. I am just irritated. Not mad. Not upset. Not crying. Not screaming. Not red faced. Not short tempered. Not in a state of despair or depression.
Just irritated.

Please don't take this the wrong way. I am extremely thankful for those who support and pray for us everyday. I am not sure what we would do without the blessing we see everyday.
I am just irritated.