This weekend Craig seemed restless and uncomfortable. We had a hospice nurse come out yesterday afternoon to give some good advice and guidance. We have increased his pain meds to every two hours rather than every three hours and added in an anti-nausea med to the day. Sometimes he seems confused and can sometimes describe what he is confused about and other times he is clear in thinking and can talk about March Madness and the details of the tournament. I guess that is basketball in the Bluegrass for ya.
So as of Saturday night I am tracking his pain meds etc. We will see what the future holds as far as him being able to stay home. The plan is/was to be able to keep him here as long as we could for the sake of the logistics for the girls in the end. I am not sure those logistics are worth them witnesses the complete deterioration of their dad. I have been anxious about these types of decisions for over a year and now that we are closer I am not anxious about it. I know the Lord will lead and let us know the right timing and place for all this to occur. He has in the past and why I thought He would stop at the end and I would have to make those kinds of decision without His guidance seems silly now that we are a couple weeks away from that.
So we need prayers for clarity in decision making over the next couple weeks. We need prayers for a peaceful home regardless the circumstances. God will provide that peace. Peace is the ultimate goal each and everyday. There are a lot of people that want to help and if I tell you no you can't stop by at that moment, please don't take it personally. The more people that come in and out of here the more confusing it gets and the harder it is on Craig, the girls and me. Craig seems to still want to take care of his household and his energy level is in the negatives so it is hard on him to worry about who is here etc. I need down time, I need mindless TV time while I fold laundry (most nights). There are times I need someone to talk to but there are also times I just need a quiet house. And there are times that I need help. I can promise you this, I know what I need and when I need it. So really the best thing you can do to help us is pray for peace and I will let you know if we need anything else.
We are studying The Story throughout the year at SECC since it is the 50th Anniversary for the church. So we started in the beginning in February with Adam and Eve and we are to the ten commandments. The old testament is tough and dry, it makes me yearn for Easter so badly. Locust, and floods, gold pigs, and laws that are impossible to follow and the wrath of God, and suffering, walking around in the desert....Oh my Gosh... come on EASTER already. The timing of the story seems to be a direct correlation of what is going on here. You read passages about plagues of frogs and locust etc. and you think HOW bizarre! What in the world is God thinking about? I have said that about so many things on this journey and some of the things that happen when a person is down to last weeks, how bizarre! It feels like we are wandering in the desert right now but we know the end is full of redemption and restoration. A perfect plan so the study right now makes me thirsty for the "happily ever after" ending that Easter gives us as well as the "happily ever after" ending that Easter gives Craig. I yearn for him to have a body that doesn't take pain meds around the clock. I yearn for him to have a mind that is not foggy. I yearn for a better life for him. And b/c of what Jesus did on the cross he will soon enough... we just have to be patient and get there with the bizarre stuff that gets us there and pray for peace through this time that feels like a journey through the desert.
PS. I am going to post some pictures of last year's trip to TX, can you believe that was a year ago?
Monday, March 12, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
Jimmy Buffet pictures
Holy cow, I bet you thought this day would never come. Can I be honest? I couldn't find the cord thingy that you have to plug into the computer to download the pictures. so sorry.
There ya have it.
Glad we got to go.
:)
There ya have it.
Glad we got to go.
:)
Monday, March 5, 2012
A long post... from a wordy wife
Written Friday 3/2/12:
The end of last week I was MAD at God for making us witness such deterioration. Craig was 180+ pounds when I married him. To see him shrink and suffer from this cancer is awful. I felt like we had been pretty accepting of the diagnosis and even the prognosis but to make us sit and watch Craig go seemed like torture. I still went to church this past weekend and what an awesome message!!!! In the beginning of the sermon Kyle said something about not only do we try to "help God along" in His plan for us rather than being patient but there are times when we want to skip chapters in our story. YES! That is exactly what I was mad about. I wanted to skip the chapter that was filled with watching someone suffer. I feel like we know the ending and parts of it are joyful and part are sad but can't we just skip to the end and skip the chapter on my husband suffering? The overall message was you can't skip chapters you don't desire to be apart of your story. In those chapters SEEK God. I got the message loud and clear. Here is the link to the sermon. You might listen to it and think...no that is not the message at all but that is what i got out of it and it eased some of my anger so that must have been what He wanted me to get out of it.
http://www.southeastchristian.org/?page=3476&project=123478&program=569909
B/c I let that message sink in I was able to move into this week and truly have moments of such sadness and disbelief. Even though we have tried to work through each day and its emotions it seems so surreal. In the past I couldn't remember what our "normal" life even looked or felt like. I couldn't think of the past or what our life would have been like, I simple thought about today and only today. The past couple days memories and what could have been have flooded my head. Some mornings this week I got up and thought wouldn't it be great if Craig and I were doing the "our bathroom is too small" dance trying to both get ready for work? Wouldn't it be great if he was putting on a purple shirt and tie and telling Morgan he is wearing her favorite color (or Emmy and pink) and they would get this great big grin on their face b/c they knew their daddy loved them. They would turn bright red and just adore that he wore their favorite color to work.
A simple memory that keeps popping into my head is a Friday afternoon about 3 years ago. I had Friday off of work to spend the day with Emily and Morgan. I am not sure that we did anything really spectacular that day other than running errands but towards the end of the day we were drawing on the sidewalk with chalk. The day was sunny and beautiful and we had had a really good day, I was pouring into them and hung right there with them the whole day rather than getting laundry done etc. I was enjoying time with the girls but felt the need for a break when Craig pulled in the driveway in the black Highlander. He had the radio turned up really loud and the window and sunroof open. He was tan so it must have been in the summer some time, he had is sunglasses on and his shirt sleeves rolled up. It was a moment of "ahhhh life is so simple and so good." My husband is an awesome provider and our little family is so wonderful. It was a moment of I truly have all that I ever dreamed of. Very simple day and a very simple memory but it was an "all is right with my world" moment.
This week has been covered in sadness. There are things that died with the diagnosis and I have grieved some of those things throughout the last year but this week a lot of Craig has gone. Although he is physically still here his desire to be here is gone and it is so sad. He has always been a hopeful person and loved an under-dog win but I think most of that is gone. To see someone struggle like he does is really hard. His earthly goals mean very little at this point and seem like a distance memory. The only comfort is knowing that he will come up with heavenly goals when he feels good in his new body and has the strength to achieve anything in his new life. I have found myself this week trying to remember him before cancer.
People ask me how I am doing and I am really "fine". Even know all this is going on I still can't picture my life without him. Don't get me wrong I am not in denial but when I think "how are we going to do this.... without him" and try to picture how we will do it without him and my brain just doesn't remove him from the picture. I try to correct the image in my mind and he is still there. In the beginning I had A LOT of dreams about Craig's visitation (really uplifting - sorry) and he would be in the coffin but then I would turn and he would be right next to me. I would say something like "let's get out of here these people are making depressed. Let's just tell em we have to pick up a kid early." Normal conversation a couple would have trying to bust out of an uncomfortable situation. Even when I dreamt about the funeral he was still there. Even though I have grieved this whole year (+) over the loss of the life we had built together, I wonder how long I will still look for him to pull into the driveway at 5:30ish. I wonder how long I will want to yell for him to help with baths or homework etc. Even though he hasn't been able to be an active participate in this house, I still think for a long time I will still be looking for him. As I plan the funeral etc. I still picture him being in the front row sitting with me. This might be really strange but that is where he has been since I was 18! It will be hard to shake that. This is what I worry about.
I know and trust that God's plan is the best plan for us. Even though this is a really tough road I am still excited to see what He has in store for my future. Although I am working on the trust part of this daily. The storms this afternoon really flipped me out. Although I know that God will provide all my needs I fear that He will allow a storm to take away my wants. I see first hand that He doesn't answer every pray exactly the way we like it. I prayed today, please please don't let that tornado take my house. I really have enough of a loss on my plate right now PLEASE let me keep my house. I know that He will redeem on His promise of a great future but I fear the heart-ache that it sometimes take to get there. I'm not sure this is making sense. I guess I am saying I am not naive enough to think that simply praying gets you everything you want the way that you want it. I know that every prayer strengthens the relationship with Him regardless of the physical outcome and that is better than any house I could live in. But to be really honest I am craving the simple life. I am craving simple pleasures and less heart-ache and I do fear that He will not protect me in the way that I desire.
So it is really tough right now. We are functioning, eating, drinking, sleeping (kinda), getting to school, getting some work done, making some plans... but I am really saddened all over again that my simple little life has been shattered.
Update today: Craig did decide to go to the Jimmy Buffet concert Saturday. It was awesome that he mustered up the desire to attend this event even though it has completely wiped him out. Pictures to come.
The end of last week I was MAD at God for making us witness such deterioration. Craig was 180+ pounds when I married him. To see him shrink and suffer from this cancer is awful. I felt like we had been pretty accepting of the diagnosis and even the prognosis but to make us sit and watch Craig go seemed like torture. I still went to church this past weekend and what an awesome message!!!! In the beginning of the sermon Kyle said something about not only do we try to "help God along" in His plan for us rather than being patient but there are times when we want to skip chapters in our story. YES! That is exactly what I was mad about. I wanted to skip the chapter that was filled with watching someone suffer. I feel like we know the ending and parts of it are joyful and part are sad but can't we just skip to the end and skip the chapter on my husband suffering? The overall message was you can't skip chapters you don't desire to be apart of your story. In those chapters SEEK God. I got the message loud and clear. Here is the link to the sermon. You might listen to it and think...no that is not the message at all but that is what i got out of it and it eased some of my anger so that must have been what He wanted me to get out of it.
http://www.southeastchristian.org/?page=3476&project=123478&program=569909
B/c I let that message sink in I was able to move into this week and truly have moments of such sadness and disbelief. Even though we have tried to work through each day and its emotions it seems so surreal. In the past I couldn't remember what our "normal" life even looked or felt like. I couldn't think of the past or what our life would have been like, I simple thought about today and only today. The past couple days memories and what could have been have flooded my head. Some mornings this week I got up and thought wouldn't it be great if Craig and I were doing the "our bathroom is too small" dance trying to both get ready for work? Wouldn't it be great if he was putting on a purple shirt and tie and telling Morgan he is wearing her favorite color (or Emmy and pink) and they would get this great big grin on their face b/c they knew their daddy loved them. They would turn bright red and just adore that he wore their favorite color to work.
A simple memory that keeps popping into my head is a Friday afternoon about 3 years ago. I had Friday off of work to spend the day with Emily and Morgan. I am not sure that we did anything really spectacular that day other than running errands but towards the end of the day we were drawing on the sidewalk with chalk. The day was sunny and beautiful and we had had a really good day, I was pouring into them and hung right there with them the whole day rather than getting laundry done etc. I was enjoying time with the girls but felt the need for a break when Craig pulled in the driveway in the black Highlander. He had the radio turned up really loud and the window and sunroof open. He was tan so it must have been in the summer some time, he had is sunglasses on and his shirt sleeves rolled up. It was a moment of "ahhhh life is so simple and so good." My husband is an awesome provider and our little family is so wonderful. It was a moment of I truly have all that I ever dreamed of. Very simple day and a very simple memory but it was an "all is right with my world" moment.
This week has been covered in sadness. There are things that died with the diagnosis and I have grieved some of those things throughout the last year but this week a lot of Craig has gone. Although he is physically still here his desire to be here is gone and it is so sad. He has always been a hopeful person and loved an under-dog win but I think most of that is gone. To see someone struggle like he does is really hard. His earthly goals mean very little at this point and seem like a distance memory. The only comfort is knowing that he will come up with heavenly goals when he feels good in his new body and has the strength to achieve anything in his new life. I have found myself this week trying to remember him before cancer.
People ask me how I am doing and I am really "fine". Even know all this is going on I still can't picture my life without him. Don't get me wrong I am not in denial but when I think "how are we going to do this.... without him" and try to picture how we will do it without him and my brain just doesn't remove him from the picture. I try to correct the image in my mind and he is still there. In the beginning I had A LOT of dreams about Craig's visitation (really uplifting - sorry) and he would be in the coffin but then I would turn and he would be right next to me. I would say something like "let's get out of here these people are making depressed. Let's just tell em we have to pick up a kid early." Normal conversation a couple would have trying to bust out of an uncomfortable situation. Even when I dreamt about the funeral he was still there. Even though I have grieved this whole year (+) over the loss of the life we had built together, I wonder how long I will still look for him to pull into the driveway at 5:30ish. I wonder how long I will want to yell for him to help with baths or homework etc. Even though he hasn't been able to be an active participate in this house, I still think for a long time I will still be looking for him. As I plan the funeral etc. I still picture him being in the front row sitting with me. This might be really strange but that is where he has been since I was 18! It will be hard to shake that. This is what I worry about.
I know and trust that God's plan is the best plan for us. Even though this is a really tough road I am still excited to see what He has in store for my future. Although I am working on the trust part of this daily. The storms this afternoon really flipped me out. Although I know that God will provide all my needs I fear that He will allow a storm to take away my wants. I see first hand that He doesn't answer every pray exactly the way we like it. I prayed today, please please don't let that tornado take my house. I really have enough of a loss on my plate right now PLEASE let me keep my house. I know that He will redeem on His promise of a great future but I fear the heart-ache that it sometimes take to get there. I'm not sure this is making sense. I guess I am saying I am not naive enough to think that simply praying gets you everything you want the way that you want it. I know that every prayer strengthens the relationship with Him regardless of the physical outcome and that is better than any house I could live in. But to be really honest I am craving the simple life. I am craving simple pleasures and less heart-ache and I do fear that He will not protect me in the way that I desire.
So it is really tough right now. We are functioning, eating, drinking, sleeping (kinda), getting to school, getting some work done, making some plans... but I am really saddened all over again that my simple little life has been shattered.
Update today: Craig did decide to go to the Jimmy Buffet concert Saturday. It was awesome that he mustered up the desire to attend this event even though it has completely wiped him out. Pictures to come.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
My End of the Road
It's been awhile but rightfully so. The last few of weeks have been different but not for better reason. Each night I go bed, I come to the reality that today was not better than yesterday. My energy level is becoming more and more decreased. I got my daily shower today at about 5 this evening. It's good that I got a shower but I really struggled with getting motivated to do that. I'm often catching myself each day watching how I walk. My legs are giving me a fight sometimes now where they don't have the strength to carry me through the house. I'll have to stop and grab a stool to sit on for a second or I'll find a ledge to hang myself on temporarily while I plan my next course of step. I don't always feel like this but it's happening a few times each day. It's become depressing to watch myself and I know it's becoming depressing for Michelle to watch. She's noticed and we talk it about it. I don't try and do too much around the girls just so I'm not put in a bad situation that will make me look bad. They are now fully accustomed to having me rest in my room in the back of the house with the door closed. They don't see me too often. Just looking at myself in the mirror, I can tell my downward spiral has begun. I'm at my all time low of about 118 pounds. I have an awkward time shaving my face because it is pure bone and I feel like I'm having to shave to every bony conture my face has. My yellow eyes constantly remind my jaundice is settling back in. This pretty much means things are going to eventually start shutting down. There's nothing out there that makes sense for me to do to treat this that we haven't already looked at yet. The approach is to treat all other sypmtoms like pain the best we can. My other tell tale is that little bird that sits on your shoulder. I have always been positive and remain positive with what is best for me, the little bird tells me it's that time and I'm not arguing with it. The ugliness of the situation outweighs the needed fight. I'm not really even really pleasant company right now with those that want to see me. Chances are I'm sleeping or I'm just too tired to make it look like I want to carry a decent conversation.
The truth is my desired outcome from this situation is so very awesome. The encouragement I have that my eternal life will be in Heaven and that I will be cancer free soon puts a smile on my face. This has always been there, I've just fought the perceived need that I need to see my family as much as possible and do as much as I can for them. My family does not need to see me anymore in the shape I'm in. They need to see me at peace. I have a million things to say here now but am overwhelmed with what I want to say so I think I'm going to have to come back with you in bits maybe from here. I am very motivated about that the future has to offer me that there is a lot of reason to be excited.
I do know Michelle is keeping her chin high right now and it amazes me that she does what she is doing. She's holding the family together all while watching me go through this. The girls are awesome but they are still little girls which means there is a lot parenting needed. They still need to be encouraged to eat dinner and help clean the table and do all the things that little ones don't love to do. Watching her really tires me because she does it positively and she is still strong. She's meanwhile putting a lot of finishing touches on funeral service that is needed like songs and scriptures. You'd think this large "chore" would be overwhelming but it is so cool for me to watch her love being engaged in praise and music and scripture. It definitely confirms I picked the right one. She impresses me more and more each day with her godliness. She is an awesome woman and I'm so lucky to have her. Please continue to pray for her strength!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for all your support and I very much hope to share my thoughts going forward. God is good!!!!!
The truth is my desired outcome from this situation is so very awesome. The encouragement I have that my eternal life will be in Heaven and that I will be cancer free soon puts a smile on my face. This has always been there, I've just fought the perceived need that I need to see my family as much as possible and do as much as I can for them. My family does not need to see me anymore in the shape I'm in. They need to see me at peace. I have a million things to say here now but am overwhelmed with what I want to say so I think I'm going to have to come back with you in bits maybe from here. I am very motivated about that the future has to offer me that there is a lot of reason to be excited.
I do know Michelle is keeping her chin high right now and it amazes me that she does what she is doing. She's holding the family together all while watching me go through this. The girls are awesome but they are still little girls which means there is a lot parenting needed. They still need to be encouraged to eat dinner and help clean the table and do all the things that little ones don't love to do. Watching her really tires me because she does it positively and she is still strong. She's meanwhile putting a lot of finishing touches on funeral service that is needed like songs and scriptures. You'd think this large "chore" would be overwhelming but it is so cool for me to watch her love being engaged in praise and music and scripture. It definitely confirms I picked the right one. She impresses me more and more each day with her godliness. She is an awesome woman and I'm so lucky to have her. Please continue to pray for her strength!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for all your support and I very much hope to share my thoughts going forward. God is good!!!!!
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Life can be hard, sometimes
Emily came home one day late last week and told me the sweetest story.
She has been down about Craig some at school and we are working through those sad moments one at a time. She said that she was sad outside in the bus line one afternoon sitting on the curb with her head laying down on her knees. Ben, one of her classmates, came up and squadding down in front of her and said
Emily told someone that story and they asked what she said back to Ben, she said it just made her smile.
Yep, I smiled too when she told me.
God works through the littlest people in the biggest ways.
She has been down about Craig some at school and we are working through those sad moments one at a time. She said that she was sad outside in the bus line one afternoon sitting on the curb with her head laying down on her knees. Ben, one of her classmates, came up and squadding down in front of her and said
"Life can be hard, sometimes"
Ben is a sweet little man with down syndrome. He is in her Kindergarten class. I would guess Ben knows how hard life can be but also knows how big of a blessing a little encouragement can be.Emily told someone that story and they asked what she said back to Ben, she said it just made her smile.
Yep, I smiled too when she told me.
God works through the littlest people in the biggest ways.
Morgan's Birthday Pictures
Morgan's Pool Party with my Family last weekend.
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Morgan and Hannah eating pizza |
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| Party Animal |
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| Emily and Claire |
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| Sisters celebrating |
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| Opening gifts |
Birthday Dinner after going to see Beauty and the Beast (again)
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| Happy Birthday to you, Morgan! |
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| Barbie for a 5 year old! |
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| Hannah is excited. |
Thursday, February 23, 2012
the unknown and the ugly
I'm not going into too many details here today b/c there is no need and I am extremely emotionally right now and this post could get ugly really quickly.
Bottom-line is we are dealing with some ugly stuff and she would put Craig's life expectancy in the category of "weeks to maybe a couple months". The Tuesday before Thanksgiving Dr. Hamm said one month to three months. But with him being so young his body may take a while to give-in and as time goes on this could get uglier. We are in the unknown and the ugly. Period.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
In a place where we are just plowing through?
Things are tough right now. Craig continues to decline but still has moments where he seems "fine". It is increasingly difficult to figure out how to navagate the day. Do I get full coverage of help where someone is here with him when I need to run out or is he going to be okay for an hour? This is a struggle. One would think, get help just to be on the safe side but then he will rally and be able be by himself and even be productive around the house... the inconsistence makes me a crazy woman.
This morning I was pulling out of the driveway and Morgan wouldn't buckle in her carseat and I wanted to lose it. I buckled her in and then cranked up christain radio station and thought I need a HUGE dose of Jesus right now or this ship is going to sink. I began to think we have come to a point in this journey that it is just time to plow through. Just GET THROUGH this. There is not a lesson to learn here, just dig your heels in and survive through it. We have taken each struggle as a learning experience and clung to Jesus for guidance but I figured this was just the fork in the road where we are just going to survive it and learn a new path when Craig "moves" out. God stopped me right in my tracks. The lesson here is to continue to cling to Him in this stage of the game as well as the future. Thank you God for the awesome sound system in my car so when it comes to worship, I can do it loudly. (Yes, I was that crazy woman who sings in the car next to you at the stop light.)
Morgan's Birthday pictures to come...
This morning I was pulling out of the driveway and Morgan wouldn't buckle in her carseat and I wanted to lose it. I buckled her in and then cranked up christain radio station and thought I need a HUGE dose of Jesus right now or this ship is going to sink. I began to think we have come to a point in this journey that it is just time to plow through. Just GET THROUGH this. There is not a lesson to learn here, just dig your heels in and survive through it. We have taken each struggle as a learning experience and clung to Jesus for guidance but I figured this was just the fork in the road where we are just going to survive it and learn a new path when Craig "moves" out. God stopped me right in my tracks. The lesson here is to continue to cling to Him in this stage of the game as well as the future. Thank you God for the awesome sound system in my car so when it comes to worship, I can do it loudly. (Yes, I was that crazy woman who sings in the car next to you at the stop light.)
Morgan's Birthday pictures to come...
Thursday, February 16, 2012
thankful Thursday
Craig via Michelle typing b/c if you have recieved a text from Craig after 9:00 you know he shouldn't be typing.
-I'm thankful that Uncle Brad made into town save and sound.
-I'm thankful the increase pain meds have worked
-I'm thankful the girls are excited about this weekend. Pool party for Morgan's B-Day with the fam.
-I'm thankful for the continuous prayers.
Michelle:
I am thankful for my peeps at church. My facing adversity group is so encouraging and wonderful. I am so thankful to have a great group to call home.
I am also so thankful great friends and the support of so many.
Have a good night.
-I'm thankful that Uncle Brad made into town save and sound.
-I'm thankful the increase pain meds have worked
-I'm thankful the girls are excited about this weekend. Pool party for Morgan's B-Day with the fam.
-I'm thankful for the continuous prayers.
Michelle:
I am thankful for my peeps at church. My facing adversity group is so encouraging and wonderful. I am so thankful to have a great group to call home.
I am also so thankful great friends and the support of so many.
Have a good night.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Just an update...
...since my facebook is blowing up. (PS thank you for all the sweet messages)
Craig's pain level has elevated over the past 48 hours. He has increased his pain meds which intern will probably make him sleep more. He is jaundice. Hospice was here today and got some medicines adjusted and talked about some future plans. Overall we are in the unknown of how much time we have left with him. It could be days, it could be a couple weeks. We're not sure. He is out of pain now and watching mindless TV so for this minute now we are "fine".
Last night was tough, I was reading over many post I wrote in the past year. I never wanted to lose him but the cancer life I would like to lose. The reality that they are one in the same is really hard to come to terms with. It is a tough journey and I will be content to see the cancer life go but so incredibly sad to see my husband go with it.
Craig's pain level has elevated over the past 48 hours. He has increased his pain meds which intern will probably make him sleep more. He is jaundice. Hospice was here today and got some medicines adjusted and talked about some future plans. Overall we are in the unknown of how much time we have left with him. It could be days, it could be a couple weeks. We're not sure. He is out of pain now and watching mindless TV so for this minute now we are "fine".
Last night was tough, I was reading over many post I wrote in the past year. I never wanted to lose him but the cancer life I would like to lose. The reality that they are one in the same is really hard to come to terms with. It is a tough journey and I will be content to see the cancer life go but so incredibly sad to see my husband go with it.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Happy Valentine's Day continued...
Valentines Day from my account today:
6am, phone rang, it was the automated message from Oldham County Schools letting us know schools were on 2 hour delay which was a pleasant surprise, no huge rushing around for the majority of the morning for Michelle and the girls.
7:30, Emily worried that Michelle overslept becuase the sun was coming up and that wasn't normal so she got herself out of bed, got dressed by herself and came in to wake up Michelle. I thought it was sweet she let mom have those extra few minutes to sleep in.
7:45 The girls were up and were surprised by their V-Day presents. I was up a few minutes later and enjoyed breakfast with them. Michelle got them ready and off to school and I was back in bed by 8:15 asleep soon after
11:30 I yelled from the room after waking up, you still want to go to lunch. Looking back, that's not the most romantic thing to yell but I think she knew it was genuine because I have a hard to getting back up before noon. I asked her the evening before if I could try and treat her to lunch.
12:15 Lunch at Chili's, it was something easy and more about being with each other. I was pleased we made it out together and we cherish the time even though I'm so tired and uncomfortable.
1:30 Back at home and I've slipped into something comfortable...sweat pants and a long sleeve tshirt; I was back in bed asleep, Michelle spent quality time with the girls and learned about their parties at school
5:30 I was woken up for dinner time, Michelle made a heart shaped pizza for dinner and the girls enjoyed it.
6:15 Spent some quality time with the girls watching a movie and learning about their day, I was back in bed around 7 for some rest, the girls wear me out
9:00 Watching the Duggars new episode with the Michelle
I share this to shed some light on our day to day. It's not pretty, it's the norm though unfortunately. I've been in increased the pain the last few days and to put it bluntly, my liver hurts. It hurts to sneeze, belch, take a deep breath, and those are harsh pains. It's dull but consistently hurts around the clock. We meet with the nurse tomorrow and may change up some of the pain meds. My issue is I take pain meds so regularly that I think that takes a toll on my liver so it's hard to imagine increasing that. Things are unfortunately getting worse and I've got that bad feeling. I'm still optimistic I may bounce back some here soon. Anyways, we'll continue to take one day at a time and thank God for each living day and let Him drive the ship. I pray for as little ugliness as possible throughout the next weeks/months. We are excited to have some of Michelle's family come to town this weekend including the beloved Uncle Brad. Let's hope it a good one and we get to enjoy Morgan's birthday weekend and week next week.
6am, phone rang, it was the automated message from Oldham County Schools letting us know schools were on 2 hour delay which was a pleasant surprise, no huge rushing around for the majority of the morning for Michelle and the girls.
7:30, Emily worried that Michelle overslept becuase the sun was coming up and that wasn't normal so she got herself out of bed, got dressed by herself and came in to wake up Michelle. I thought it was sweet she let mom have those extra few minutes to sleep in.
7:45 The girls were up and were surprised by their V-Day presents. I was up a few minutes later and enjoyed breakfast with them. Michelle got them ready and off to school and I was back in bed by 8:15 asleep soon after
11:30 I yelled from the room after waking up, you still want to go to lunch. Looking back, that's not the most romantic thing to yell but I think she knew it was genuine because I have a hard to getting back up before noon. I asked her the evening before if I could try and treat her to lunch.
12:15 Lunch at Chili's, it was something easy and more about being with each other. I was pleased we made it out together and we cherish the time even though I'm so tired and uncomfortable.
1:30 Back at home and I've slipped into something comfortable...sweat pants and a long sleeve tshirt; I was back in bed asleep, Michelle spent quality time with the girls and learned about their parties at school
5:30 I was woken up for dinner time, Michelle made a heart shaped pizza for dinner and the girls enjoyed it.
6:15 Spent some quality time with the girls watching a movie and learning about their day, I was back in bed around 7 for some rest, the girls wear me out
9:00 Watching the Duggars new episode with the Michelle
I share this to shed some light on our day to day. It's not pretty, it's the norm though unfortunately. I've been in increased the pain the last few days and to put it bluntly, my liver hurts. It hurts to sneeze, belch, take a deep breath, and those are harsh pains. It's dull but consistently hurts around the clock. We meet with the nurse tomorrow and may change up some of the pain meds. My issue is I take pain meds so regularly that I think that takes a toll on my liver so it's hard to imagine increasing that. Things are unfortunately getting worse and I've got that bad feeling. I'm still optimistic I may bounce back some here soon. Anyways, we'll continue to take one day at a time and thank God for each living day and let Him drive the ship. I pray for as little ugliness as possible throughout the next weeks/months. We are excited to have some of Michelle's family come to town this weekend including the beloved Uncle Brad. Let's hope it a good one and we get to enjoy Morgan's birthday weekend and week next week.
Happy Valentine's Day
Just a little note from the Merimee's wishing you a Happy Valentine's Day. I did a little google history search. Did you know that "St. Valentine" was killed on February 14th. Goodness. What the heck are we celebrating?! He was killed because he was marrying Christians and refused to give up his faith. Anyway, here's your history lesson for the day, brought to you by google. http://www.catholic.org/saints/saint.php?saint_id=159
Come on - you can't have a V-Day post without a little Corinthians in the mix. You had to have seen that coming. :)
Happy Valentine's Day!!
Happy Valentine's Day from the Merimee girls.
This is Hannah's smile when you tell her to say cheese. She is such a little ham.
Silly LOVEly faces
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things... Love never fails. 1 Cor 13
Come on - you can't have a V-Day post without a little Corinthians in the mix. You had to have seen that coming. :)
Happy Valentine's Day!!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
We've been slackers
Okay so apparently we are slacking on the blog posts here lately. Craig update was short and sweet and even if you read between the lines I'm sure it didn't give a good pictures of what goes on in this lovely household. If you don't hear from us we are "fine". What does "fine" mean? "Fine" is defined for now as Craig sleeps most of the day, gets up to eat lunch and shower, the late afternoon is a mix of naps and watching cartoons with Emily after school. He sometimes eats dinner and sometimes just sits with us and munches on a snack. That is a "fine" day. Not so "fine" moment is stomach aches and a hunched over husband in the kitchen. A not so "fine" moment is the fatigued look that a simple shower can do to him. Another not so "fine" moment is simply sitting in the living room rather laying in bed is painful.
So if you don't hear from us it is usually a "fine" day with maybe a mix of not so "fine" moments.
I still have not lost faith. I know that His plan is still the best plan for our family. I hang on to the Hope that our story still has a fairy tale ending. I hold on to the fact that this is not our home and that Craig will simply have heaven before we do.
On the way home from church today Emily asked how old Jesus was when he died. We go over my age a lot. She tries to make sense of the situation. It is a tough lesson for a 6-year-old to figure out that some people get less than 80-100 years on this earth.
So that conversation in the car today was the following:
Emily: How old was Jesus when He died on the cross?
Me: 33
Emily: wow, that wasn't that long
Me: nope your right, but look at all He did in that short time. Healed the sick, taught people how to live.
Emily: He did a lot of good things.
Me: See it doesn't matter how much time He gives us, it is what we do with it that counts. Dad has done a lot of great things with the short time he has had. He ran two banks, had three kids, told a lot of people about God.
Emily: He is still here but he is going to heaven.
Me: yep
Morgan: (chimes in here and there) I want to go to heaven but not for a while.
Emily: yeah me too. Mom, you going to heaven?
Me: Yep, b/c I know Jesus and He going to let me in.
Emily: What happens if you don't go to heaven? You just get buried?
Me: well that or you go to a place called hell. (why not? we're already knee deep.)
Morgan: I don't want to just get buried. I know Jesus.
It is about as simple as that. The rest of this "stuff" is just the pain of this world.
The past couple days have had more not so fine moments which of course is worrisome. Usually a bad afternoon is followed by a rebound but we haven't seen a rebound since maybe Wednesday or Thursday. Is this a couple rough days or not... ?? It is frustrating. It is hard. It is so hard to watch someone detearated in front of your eyes. The question that pops in my mind more often than once a week is "really how much more of this can I take." I found peace at church today. We started on The Story this week. We began with creation and then Adam and Eve and then on to Noah. To back up that far into our history has given a peaceful perspective that God is always in control. Always has been, always will be. So the answer to the question "how much more of this can I take?" is not in my hands, never has been. I have an addiction to Matthew West's new album. My theme song is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knuHDPbE5es&feature=related.
The trip to Hilton Head next summer continues to come up with the girls. They know that Craig will be in heaven by then. They look forward to the trip all year but when the trip pops into their heads most of the time they remember that it will be "different" since dad won't be there. There are times that Morgan forgets that he won't be there. The other day she was asking if I would ride in the back with her in the car on the way down to HHI. In the past get them going on some games and then sit in the front seat about half the time. I have been driving 100% rather than Craig since mid-December so she was trying to figure out who was going to entertain her in the backseat for the long drive. I told her we would probably drive down with the Deitzs and then she asked if that meant that Daddy would ride in the back. It is heartbreaking to have to remind them that it will just be us going.
Tonight Morgan's bedtime prayer was for Dad to be alive on her birthday. I asked her if we were ever going to be ready to let him go. We all agreed we weren't going to be ready to let him go but we wanted him for Morgan's birthday for sure. Morgan will be 5 on February 22nd.
So to say it is hard right now is about the biggest understatement of the century. Pray for us.
So if you don't hear from us it is usually a "fine" day with maybe a mix of not so "fine" moments.
I still have not lost faith. I know that His plan is still the best plan for our family. I hang on to the Hope that our story still has a fairy tale ending. I hold on to the fact that this is not our home and that Craig will simply have heaven before we do.
On the way home from church today Emily asked how old Jesus was when he died. We go over my age a lot. She tries to make sense of the situation. It is a tough lesson for a 6-year-old to figure out that some people get less than 80-100 years on this earth.
So that conversation in the car today was the following:
Emily: How old was Jesus when He died on the cross?
Me: 33
Emily: wow, that wasn't that long
Me: nope your right, but look at all He did in that short time. Healed the sick, taught people how to live.
Emily: He did a lot of good things.
Me: See it doesn't matter how much time He gives us, it is what we do with it that counts. Dad has done a lot of great things with the short time he has had. He ran two banks, had three kids, told a lot of people about God.
Emily: He is still here but he is going to heaven.
Me: yep
Morgan: (chimes in here and there) I want to go to heaven but not for a while.
Emily: yeah me too. Mom, you going to heaven?
Me: Yep, b/c I know Jesus and He going to let me in.
Emily: What happens if you don't go to heaven? You just get buried?
Me: well that or you go to a place called hell. (why not? we're already knee deep.)
Morgan: I don't want to just get buried. I know Jesus.
It is about as simple as that. The rest of this "stuff" is just the pain of this world.
The past couple days have had more not so fine moments which of course is worrisome. Usually a bad afternoon is followed by a rebound but we haven't seen a rebound since maybe Wednesday or Thursday. Is this a couple rough days or not... ?? It is frustrating. It is hard. It is so hard to watch someone detearated in front of your eyes. The question that pops in my mind more often than once a week is "really how much more of this can I take." I found peace at church today. We started on The Story this week. We began with creation and then Adam and Eve and then on to Noah. To back up that far into our history has given a peaceful perspective that God is always in control. Always has been, always will be. So the answer to the question "how much more of this can I take?" is not in my hands, never has been. I have an addiction to Matthew West's new album. My theme song is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knuHDPbE5es&feature=related.
The trip to Hilton Head next summer continues to come up with the girls. They know that Craig will be in heaven by then. They look forward to the trip all year but when the trip pops into their heads most of the time they remember that it will be "different" since dad won't be there. There are times that Morgan forgets that he won't be there. The other day she was asking if I would ride in the back with her in the car on the way down to HHI. In the past get them going on some games and then sit in the front seat about half the time. I have been driving 100% rather than Craig since mid-December so she was trying to figure out who was going to entertain her in the backseat for the long drive. I told her we would probably drive down with the Deitzs and then she asked if that meant that Daddy would ride in the back. It is heartbreaking to have to remind them that it will just be us going.
Tonight Morgan's bedtime prayer was for Dad to be alive on her birthday. I asked her if we were ever going to be ready to let him go. We all agreed we weren't going to be ready to let him go but we wanted him for Morgan's birthday for sure. Morgan will be 5 on February 22nd.
So to say it is hard right now is about the biggest understatement of the century. Pray for us.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Just Another Day
I'm still hanging in here physically but these days can be tough. I feel mostly similar to how I've been feeling. I'm still tired and the last few days seem as though I've been a little more tired. After today I'm a little worn out. This amount of stress builds up sometimes and it's hard to deal with. I can become hard to deal with. Somedays I'm great, some days I'm hanging on a string. I do need some good time. Michelle has been great to me and I hate it when I become hard to deal with, I'm sorry for letting the day get the best of me! We'll take prayers for support and strength, this is hard. I'm worried the being tired is taking over. That's all I've got for today.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Pancreatic Cancer Action Network - Louisville
The Pancreatic Cancer Action Network, www.pancan.org, is the country's largest advocacy organization aimed at making advances with pancreatic cancer. It covers everything from helping patients with education, clinical trials, support etc to creating awareness within government to raising funds to promoting research in the health care field. The organization covers a lot of ground. One important aspect of the organization is recruting and relying on volunteers throughout the country to help with all of the above. Many cities across the country have a local "affiliate" status which means they have a significant amount of support and number of volunteers to hold regular meetings and organize large fundraisers like the PurpleStride walk which I participated in in Indianapolis last year. Most major cities and many middle size cities have an affiliate status with PANCAN. Some communities have a "community representative" which organizes events that create education and awareness. These representatives do a significant amount of work but may not have enough local support from other volunteers to make the community a fully named affiliate. In Kentucky, we do not have any affiliates but we do have some very hardworking community representation in Paducah, Lexington and Henderson. We surprisingly have not had any official PANCAN volunteer support in Louisville. The size of Louisville definitely should be able to support an affiliate chapter. The good news is a few people here in the area have individually contacted PANCAN including myself about the starting some official representation here in the area. I'm glad to say we have started a group here and Melinda Smith has stepped up to lead us and is listed as a "community representative" for Louisville. Melinda currently works as a HR manager for the Salvation Army and her story includes losing her mom to pancreatic cancer last year. One of our main goals right now is creating awareness about our group and getting our name out there. Right now, we are simply asking you to consider "liking" our official facebook page for the group. This will allow you to be made aware of any events we put on which could be a monthly meeting to discuss our initiatives or a social meet and greet to many different things. I'm also going to include Melinda's email on this post which I would encourage you to contact her to be added to our our email list which will also keep you aware of any events we hold. Getting this group started is a hope of mine because support is so needed in this area. I'd love for our area to eventually reach affiliate status where we have a strong corp of volunteers and we are able to host our very PurpleStride Louisville or better yet, PurpleStride Kentucky. The walk I did in Indy was so very uplifting and had over 800 people attend the event. The Louisville community has always been so supportive and generous and i know the support is here, we just have to get the attention needed from the many families and friends that know and understand how devastating pancreatic cancer is. Please join me in "liking" our facebook page and email Melinda if you'd like to be kept up to date with the group. Here's some of our links for the group:
Pancreatic Cancer Action Network - Louisville Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=lf#!/pages/Pancreatic-Cancer-Action-Network-Louisville/314763741901439
PANCAN Louisville Website (not very updated yet, work in progress)
http://www.pancan.org/section_get_involved/volunteer/affiliate_details.php?id=153
Melinda Smith, community representative for Louisville (email to get added to email distribution list, we will not be spamming you either): msmith@pancanvolunteer.org
Pancreatic Cancer Action Network - Louisville Facebook
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=lf#!/pages/Pancreatic-Cancer-Action-Network-Louisville/314763741901439
PANCAN Louisville Website (not very updated yet, work in progress)
http://www.pancan.org/section_get_involved/volunteer/affiliate_details.php?id=153
Melinda Smith, community representative for Louisville (email to get added to email distribution list, we will not be spamming you either): msmith@pancanvolunteer.org
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