Written Friday 3/2/12:
The end of last week I was MAD at God for making us witness such deterioration. Craig was 180+ pounds when I married him. To see him shrink and suffer from this cancer is awful. I felt like we had been pretty accepting of the diagnosis and even the prognosis but to make us sit and watch Craig go seemed like torture. I still went to church this past weekend and what an awesome message!!!! In the beginning of the sermon Kyle said something about not only do we try to "help God along" in His plan for us rather than being patient but there are times when we want to skip chapters in our story. YES! That is exactly what I was mad about. I wanted to skip the chapter that was filled with watching someone suffer. I feel like we know the ending and parts of it are joyful and part are sad but can't we just skip to the end and skip the chapter on my husband suffering? The overall message was you can't skip chapters you don't desire to be apart of your story. In those chapters SEEK God. I got the message loud and clear. Here is the link to the sermon. You might listen to it and think...no that is not the message at all but that is what i got out of it and it eased some of my anger so that must have been what He wanted me to get out of it.
B/c I let that message sink in I was able to move into this week and truly have moments of such sadness and disbelief. Even though we have tried to work through each day and its emotions it seems so surreal. In the past I couldn't remember what our "normal" life even looked or felt like. I couldn't think of the past or what our life would have been like, I simple thought about today and only today. The past couple days memories and what could have been have flooded my head. Some mornings this week I got up and thought wouldn't it be great if Craig and I were doing the "our bathroom is too small" dance trying to both get ready for work? Wouldn't it be great if he was putting on a purple shirt and tie and telling Morgan he is wearing her favorite color (or Emmy and pink) and they would get this great big grin on their face b/c they knew their daddy loved them. They would turn bright red and just adore that he wore their favorite color to work.
A simple memory that keeps popping into my head is a Friday afternoon about 3 years ago. I had Friday off of work to spend the day with Emily and Morgan. I am not sure that we did anything really spectacular that day other than running errands but towards the end of the day we were drawing on the sidewalk with chalk. The day was sunny and beautiful and we had had a really good day, I was pouring into them and hung right there with them the whole day rather than getting laundry done etc. I was enjoying time with the girls but felt the need for a break when Craig pulled in the driveway in the black Highlander. He had the radio turned up really loud and the window and sunroof open. He was tan so it must have been in the summer some time, he had is sunglasses on and his shirt sleeves rolled up. It was a moment of "ahhhh life is so simple and so good." My husband is an awesome provider and our little family is so wonderful. It was a moment of I truly have all that I ever dreamed of. Very simple day and a very simple memory but it was an "all is right with my world" moment.
This week has been covered in sadness. There are things that died with the diagnosis and I have grieved some of those things throughout the last year but this week a lot of Craig has gone. Although he is physically still here his desire to be here is gone and it is so sad. He has always been a hopeful person and loved an under-dog win but I think most of that is gone. To see someone struggle like he does is really hard. His earthly goals mean very little at this point and seem like a distance memory. The only comfort is knowing that he will come up with heavenly goals when he feels good in his new body and has the strength to achieve anything in his new life. I have found myself this week trying to remember him before cancer.
People ask me how I am doing and I am really "fine". Even know all this is going on I still can't picture my life without him. Don't get me wrong I am not in denial but when I think "how are we going to do this.... without him" and try to picture how we will do it without him and my brain just doesn't remove him from the picture. I try to correct the image in my mind and he is still there. In the beginning I had A LOT of dreams about Craig's visitation (really uplifting - sorry) and he would be in the coffin but then I would turn and he would be right next to me. I would say something like "let's get out of here these people are making depressed. Let's just tell em we have to pick up a kid early." Normal conversation a couple would have trying to bust out of an uncomfortable situation. Even when I dreamt about the funeral he was still there. Even though I have grieved this whole year (+) over the loss of the life we had built together, I wonder how long I will still look for him to pull into the driveway at 5:30ish. I wonder how long I will want to yell for him to help with baths or homework etc. Even though he hasn't been able to be an active participate in this house, I still think for a long time I will still be looking for him. As I plan the funeral etc. I still picture him being in the front row sitting with me. This might be really strange but that is where he has been since I was 18! It will be hard to shake that. This is what I worry about.
I know and trust that God's plan is the best plan for us. Even though this is a really tough road I am still excited to see what He has in store for my future. Although I am working on the trust part of this daily. The storms this afternoon really flipped me out. Although I know that God will provide all my needs I fear that He will allow a storm to take away my wants. I see first hand that He doesn't answer every pray exactly the way we like it. I prayed today, please please don't let that tornado take my house. I really have enough of a loss on my plate right now PLEASE let me keep my house. I know that He will redeem on His promise of a great future but I fear the heart-ache that it sometimes take to get there. I'm not sure this is making sense. I guess I am saying I am not naive enough to think that simply praying gets you everything you want the way that you want it. I know that every prayer strengthens the relationship with Him regardless of the physical outcome and that is better than any house I could live in. But to be really honest I am craving the simple life. I am craving simple pleasures and less heart-ache and I do fear that He will not protect me in the way that I desire.
So it is really tough right now. We are functioning, eating, drinking, sleeping (kinda), getting to school, getting some work done, making some plans... but I am really saddened all over again that my simple little life has been shattered.
Update today: Craig did decide to go to the Jimmy Buffet concert Saturday. It was awesome that he mustered up the desire to attend this event even though it has completely wiped him out. Pictures to come.