Friday and 9/11 reflection and some more...

written Friday:
Craig has not gotten sick at home this time. Which is HUGE! HUGE! Being that sick makes us question so much: Is this treatment worth it? Which is followed by a string of ridiculous questions. RIDICULOUS questions for a 30 something to have to think about!!!

This is a little selfish post, I have to admit. I hope that Craig has the energy to update this weekend so this blog doesn't become just about the view of the winy wife but for now it is just that...

My Prayer is He reveal His almighty purpose for this Mess. I am yelling at Him today. I need some encouragement and purpose for this pain in my house.
If you watch this video you will get it... I want to see my flipped board!! first side would say: wife of husband with terminal cancer.... WHAT DOES THE OTHER SIDE SAY! I know that you can make beautiful things! Let's see it! I know that You can heal! Let's see it! I know that we have an Almighty purpose here. Let's see it! I know that if we look around we can find His blessing in any circumstance BUT today I am begging for a black and white/in your face/I am here, here it is... Blessing! Not a whisper...not into whispers today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LxltWrH8S0&feature=related


continued Monday 9/12:
There were so many 9/11 10 years later specials I guess I really want to know what my 10 year later looks like... or maybe I don't. I thought a lot about that this weekend. What if this is as good as my life is going to get? What if having a sick husband is better than having no husband at all. I know that is the case especially having a husband like Craig but in many ways my dreams have already disappeared. No one dreams they will get divorced, or be child-less. No one dreams of being unemployed for an extended period of time. And no on dreams of having cancer in their house especially terminal cancer. In so many ways the grieving process for the family life that I did everything in my power to built is already gone. This is ridiculous but I was a little jealous of the families of 9/11 that they were 10 year out from their tragedy. As they wrapped up last night special on CBS they talked with the firefighters that responded and survived. They said it wasn't a day or a week that they just lived through, it was something that was a part of them now. There wasn't a day that went by that they woke up and didn't think of 9/11. It was a part of their soul. And I think that is the cancer will be for my family. There won't be a day that goes by in my life that I don't think of pancreatic cancer and its effects. I learned a lot from the last half hour of that special. There was a firefighter that didn't go back to firefighting b/c of 9/11, he lost his marriage b/c of 9/11, he seemed hopeless b/c of 9/11. I will not allow that to happen to this house. We WILL take every measure possible to be a productive, God-filled house regardless of the adversity that we face. If that means that my kids are in art therapy until they are 50, then so be it. Where ever God leads us to make sure that our salvation remains intacted, we will go. Eternity is the only place where my dreams of a family of 5 is guaranteed, so when He says here is your task and I have given you a friend named Jesus to walk with you while do this task, I will say thank you for the chance to complete this task, and thank you for your son, Jesus.

continued Tuesday:
yesterday as me and girls were playing outside and waiting for Craig to come home, it felt so normal. So normal to have dinner heating up inside and waiting for him to pull in the driveway. It made me stop and say, is this cancer-thing really happening. This is the life that I recognize. Is this other one really going on? Is this really happening? really?

John 3:16

Sorry for the delay folks.  Quick summary: this weekend went a lot better than the last treatment weekend but still absolutely zero fun and hard.  I was successful at not getting sick after the treatment this time though again, I didn't feel good at all.  I guess sorry again for the details but I actually got sick before my treatment began just from the anticipation while I was getting prepped for treatment.  This is just very hard and it makes me dig deep begging for a reason to continue to do this to myself.  I have other available treatments to me that don't wreck me this hard.  It's very hard to come to terms with what to do.  My tumor marker actually increased a little more from fifty something to seventy something.  We are not sure this treatment hasn't run it's course.  The plan is to make it to the next scan which is after the next treatment.  I honestly am not sure I can do this again.  It beats me up so hard and knocks me out.  This would be a lot easier if there was a big light at the end of the tunnel.  There's not a big light for me here on this Earth.  Hope I'm not sounding depressed.  Reality is very hard and every time, I'm wiped out and it wipes out the family.  The prayers we can use these days again is guidance.

Emotions are admittedly running high right now as I watch the CBS 9/11 special.  It's a constant reminder of how great life is but so very fragile.  There's a lot of shitty stories out there and my heart goes out to all of them.  There's also a lot of strength that comes deep within people and admire the heck out of that inner self.  10 years ago I was at work helping out at our branch at 25th and Broadway getting to know some people pretty quick that I didn't too much about.  I remember coming home from work and crying on the couch wanting to punch somebody or something.  I watch this special and am reminded how may people are still suffering from either depression or breathing in of bad air and dying of cancer.  9/11 is obviously something that will be forever etched in our minds.  Today at church we talked extensively about 9/11.  It's 2 numbers you can't forget.  But in a time when hostility is bred and vengeance is demanded we are reminded of 2 other numbers that I am forever grateful for: John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

thankful thursday

written yesterday:
Craig is still getting chemo and I think he is already feeling sick. They lowered the dose to see if he could tolerate the side effects more this time which is what we had talked about all last week. We will see what this evening brings. Pray for tolerable side effects.

On with thankful Thursday...
This will be a strange one. I don't like to compare us to other people to make us feel better and then say I am thankful that we are not them. We have had that done to us more times that I can count. I know people have the best of intention but sometimes it comes off like, well at least I am not you... yuck! (maybe I don't want to be you either BTW!)

ANYWAY, wow that was a long way to get here.
We are downtown b/c we saw Dr. Hamm today. So we are sitting here waiting for Nurse Karen to find us and we see an orange jumpsuit and feet in chains walking down the hallway with an armed guard to follow. At first I have to admit it freaked me out a bit. Then my heart just felt so terrible for this man. How much adversity can one person take? I really wanted to go pray with him. Maybe "be the sunshine" (quote from GNO at SECC) to this lost soul. I have continued to pray for this man throughout the day. Come to find out he enjoys chemo days! WHAT THE HECK!? He gets to watch TV, have a nice guards undivided attention, he gets outside, he socializes with people that are not in prison etc. So I guess I am thankful that chemo days ARE our bad days. We have so much more in our lives that this is THE WORST DAY of the week. I feel badly comparing ourselves to this man, in many ways we are in the same boat as he is. In fact he was only two doors down from our room. In my "Facing adversity" group at SECC there are people in the group that have family members in prison. I have seen the other side to the stories, right or wrong, families suffer when one member is behind bars. I pray that this person can be healed and utilize his time wisely and find the God that forgives all sins and will give him eternal life or if he already has that he can be a light in prison to others.
How's that for the strangest thankful Thursday ever!

Labor Day Weekend: Part 2

Sunday night was a very special treat for our family.  On Tuesday I got the call from one our regional folks to represent BB&T at the upcoming BB&T Night at The Bats.  I graciously accepted.  We arrived at the park a little early so my family and I could get on the field to watch me throw out the first big pitch.  I'm not certain Michelle was overly impressed at the opportunity but me, as a guy, thought it was pretty darn cool.  I was very excited and not nervous at all.  I got a lot of great yells at the park and text messages before the pitch to build my confidence.  I got "don't throw like a girl", "don't bounce it", "$10 if you hit the mascot", "don't pull a John Wall first pitch" and "I hope you throw a good pitch" (mom).  I went with the heater and wasn't sure how my arm would react because I didn't get to warm up.  The ball went right down the middle of the plate and I got "that's one of the best pitches I've got" from the catcher.  My brother in law Brad got it on video and posted it on facebook if you care to see the pitch.  This would have made the evening in itself but there was more to come.  Emily and Morgan were given the opportunity to be the junior groundskeepers for the game.  We got to hang with Buddy Bat down near the field entrance for an inning waiting for our groundskeeping duties.  At the end of the 4th inning, the regular grounds crew ran on to the field to rake the dirt and right after them went Buddy Bat, Emily, Morgan and one other younger boy.  They ran with their small brooms in hand to first base and Buddy Bat gave them the instructions to sweep off first base until it was clean.  They then took off to 2nd base with the other boy out front followed by Buddy Bat; Emily was a few steps back and Morgan a few more steps back.  Morgan was running holding onto her shorts afraid they might fall down from running so fast.  They cleaned off 2nd and ran to 3rd in the same order they ran to 2nd.  After cleaning off 3rd base, they got to step off the side of the base and rest for a second while much of the crowd gave them a very cheerful ovation for their hard work.  They then made their way to the backstop and the Bats manager stepped out of the dugout and gave them each a baseball.  We then had to rush off the field so the game could start back up and we went back near the locker rooms and got some pictures taken with Buddy Bat and he signed their baseballs for them.  One side quick story:  Emily and I went to a Bats game earlier in the year and I made the mistake of mentioning that maybe if we get lucky, we'll catch a foul ball and we can take a baseball home.  Emily pretty much left the game in tears when we had to go home empty handed.  So she was glad to get a baseball this evening, very glad!  We were initially worried the girls would be shy about running on the field especially after an already tiring weekend but they did great.  I was soooo proud of them.  We were also worried about the rain because it was all over the forecast but our perfect game didn't see rain until the very last out of the game.  And the cherry was the fireworks show that we watched from undercover after the last out.  We got to see many friends at the game including a bunch of folks from my family.  It was really a perfect evening and one I will very much cherish.

Labor Day Weekend: Part 1

We had a crazy busy weekend which is just what we needed after the intense week we had discussing next steps in Craig's treatment etc. The weekend started off with a pedicure for me before we packed up the car and picked Emily up from school. We then headed to our first destination: The Knarr's house. The girls love Sydney and they were excited about a "sleepover". Hannah has an early bedtime so she stayed back with Rob and Steph. So the four of us headed to the rehearsal for Kristy (my cousin) and Bruce's wedding. Emily was chosen to be a flower girl and Morgan was a program attendant or a door holder as she called it. Rehearsal and rehearsal dinner went well and we enjoyed being around everyone to start the weekend off. Although as Emily sat in the pew during the rehearsal she expressed to Uncle Jim (father of the bride) and Aunt Kathy (mother of the bride) that "this was not nearly as fun as she thought it was going to be." geez, Em honest much! They have a great sense of humor so of course they laughed it off and told her the fun party of a Catholic wedding was the reception. :)

Saturday Emily got her hair done and just loved every minute getting ready for the wedding. We visited with the Geiger's and the newest cousin, Loraine (after my late Grandmother) who is just two weeks old. Emily did wonderful in the wedding and she loved being apart of the wedding party. It was a beautiful wedding and a fun reception.

She loved her hair. It looked great and it stayed all day really well.

Morgan handing out programs. She looked so cute.

Cupcakes!

Hannah at the reception. She did not last through the wedding.

Thanks again Steph for taking her outside. ;)

We had such an awesome time dancing at the reception, this is Morgan about midnight. She is asleep and if you look close she used the table cloth as a blanket.

Kristy's pick for the first reading was Ecclesiastes 3: There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens.

It was a definitely a time to celebrate and a time to dance!

We wish them the best of luck in their lifetime together. Keep Christ the center of every "time" in your life and you will suceed regardless what you face together.

 Thanks for letting us be apart of such a great event. It was a very blessed feeling being around a great family and having a great time. Congrats to Kristy and Bruce!

thankful thursday

As promised today is thankful Thursday. This has been a really emotional week so I can't say this is going to be your typical Thankful Thursday post.
In the midst of the emotions I did get a lot done this week both at work and at home. I won't bore you with the work details. We got new carpet in the girls rooms and down the stairs to the basement. Long over due and I am glad it was complete.

Sunday one of Emily and Morgan's friends from Vanguard dropped off dinner and with it came a dozen roses of all different colors. Totally brighten our day. The girls wanted to play "wedding" with them. They still look very pretty and make me smile every time I see them. We are so blessed with the dinners that come in around treatment days. I think we would be eating a lot of cereal some days if those dinners didn't come in. A lot of nights around treatment days I am spent so not having to put together dinner is a huge relief.

I am incredibly thankful for my two best friends from high school, Gwen and Janelle and their husbands. It seems silly to even just call them friends. They are more like family than friends. They are always willing to listen and they are always there to hear even the toughest things to hear. They never judge and they are always on my side. God knew what he was doing when he put us together. I will probably be working for the rest of my life to repay them for their incredible friendship and I look forward to it. :) love you.

We have a wonderfully busy weekend to look forward to. My cousin, Kristy, is getting married on Saturday. Emily is a flower girl and Morgan is a program attendant or as she calls it a door holder. We are looking forward to spending the weekend with extended family. I hope Hannah behaves herself in church. This should be interesting.

So that is about all that I have for thankful Thursday.

I read today's devotional in the book "Jesus Calling" September 1st: Seek me with your whole being. I desire to be found by you, and orchestrate the events of your life with that purpose in mind. When things go well you are blessed, you can feel Me smiling on you. When you encounter rough patches along your life-journey, trust that My light is still shining upon you. My reasons for allowing these adversities may be shrouded in mystery, but My continual Presence with you is an absolute promise. Seek Me in good times; seek Me in hard times. You will find Me watching over you all the time.

Have a great Labor Day weekend.

There are no words

I haven't been updating the blog this week for a reason.
There are no words to match what is going on in this house. Nothing has changed as far as the treatment plan, Craig is feeling okay and is back to work, there is nothing new with the girls, our faith has not shifted but we are in a very silent spot right now.

I don't have speicfic prayer request to give you b/c we are just at a point where there are no words.
God knows our hearts and our needs. He needs no words to know our prayers and that is where we are. There are no words at this time to make this easier, to make this better, to make sense of this situation.
Maybe I have become numb. I am not sure but there are really no words at this point to post on this blog. I have started blog post and they just don't decribe where we are right now.
I feel like I ran a marthon but there isn't a finish line.

updated status

better.
Hannah is sleeping better.
Morgan is okay with extra cuddles and lovin'
Emily is fine.
I am "okay"
Craig was moving slow but went into work today. Yesterday he was still too tired to go in.

So we are turning a corner.
More to come.

I am writing this to myself mainly. THANKFUL THURSDAY to come. I think it is really important to be held accountable for that upcoming post. Call me out if you don't see it Friday morning.

Not going well here

I have no silver lining today so this is just a status update.
In order of youngest to oldest:
Hannah: teething and not sleeping more than an hour at a time through the night
Morgan: anxious about her dad being so sick
Emily: glad to be at school
Mom: tired and tired and tired
Dad: sick yesterday with every nausea potion used with no relief until 11:30ish, tired and sleeping today.

That is the simple state of the union.

Martina McBride - I'm Gonna Love You Through It

Martina McBride - I'm Gonna Love You Through It: Eleven

I can't watch this without crying. It is so touching. The lovely lady in pink is one of my radio reps in Nashville.
Note: Don't watch this at work. Seriously, trust me.

Tomorrow is chemo day. We are hoping Craig has a better time with the nausea this time around and not have to take the AMEND (extra nausea med that was needed last time). It works but also causes a "hang-over" type effect that lags the recovery time. So prayers for a better and less "eventful" recovery and an effective treatment tomorrow.

Thanks for the support and prayers. The conversations that this situation brings up are heart-breaking and unbearable especially for a couple in their 30s. I think by the time you are 80 you are wiser and more at peace with life and death in general. I guess I could be wrong but sometimes I have to just walk away from conversations b/c they are too much to bear. little and big.

The little things like the fuse box. We were taking down a broken fan in the girls room and I don't know how to use the fuse box and Craig asked if I wanted "fuse box 101" the other day. You know... just in case... I don't want to learn about the *%&^  fuse box! followed by a tearful temper-tantum.
Ugh.

Opening Weekend and Life Lost

I guess this was the opening weekend act II.  Thursday morning I made the dreaded walk into the room that I affectionately refer to as the room where I get the snot kicked out of me.  I wasn't sure what to expect and I was a little eager to find out what the next 1/2 year was going to be like.  My goal was and is take the treatment on Thursday morning, suffer a few days and then recover over the weekend.  I knew that just getting 3 of the 4 drugs I used to get was more manageable and I recovered more quickly when I did this concoction for the last 2 of my treatments back in April.  Of course that concoction was at about 75% the normal dose and this time I was doing the full 100% dose.  The first half of Thursday was manageable and I was a little encouraged walking out of the office that I could do it.  I remembered the day it all began back last October and I remember it physically taking me to my knees.  I didn't want that again.  Thursday evening was very rough.  Let's say I could have bought some stock in porcelain.  On Friday, we upped some of the meds from the doctor which made me extremely uncomfortable and groggy but I kept from getting sick.  The other reason I probably kept from getting sick is because I was not able to eat Thursday after the treatment or on Friday.  Saturday was continued grogginess and I probably made it out of bed about a total of an hour.  This morning I started the day trying to hydrate myself as much as possible and it helped me get the day started.  I made it to church with the family which is obviously about important as anything I can do these days.  We had lunch together and then Hannah and I got our 2 hour naps in.  I think hers was more like 2.5 hours.  I've been up since the nap and got to spend some time outside enjoying the great weather.  It's now Sunday evening and I think I'm ready for some work tomorrow.  I still don't know what to expect tomorrow so my goal is to do the best I can.  I think this might work.  I still had my very dark time on Thursday and Friday when I have to convince myself getting the snot kicked out me is good for me when my diagnosis is so poor.  I want time with my family though.  We'll keep pushing forward and thanks for the millionth time for all the prayers and support; it reaches us and we feel it!

Nestled in this week before treatment and Emily's first day of school, our family lost a special person.  Marie Elaine Merimee Corum, a cousin of mine, passed this week at the age of 53.  She battled breast cancer off and on for 17 years and she eventually was forced to give in.  I am truly inspired and really in awe that someone can stay positive and fight this terrible disease for that long.  I honestly don't know how she did it but I'm sure she'd say her family was the reason.  To the Corum family and her close Merimee family, I'm very sorry for our loss.  I was saddened we were not able to make it to any of the arrangements.  I was partially optimistic I was going to show up at the funeral home on Friday evening with my chemo ball attached to me but it was not possible.  Elaine was a very good person and she will not be forgotten.  I believe she is now cancer free and full of energy and I'm very happy for her in that sense.  Our family was definitely better for having such a strong fighter in it.

God bless and hug your loved ones the next chance you get!

At Peace... so spoiled... and a drop off at Kindergarden

There is never 10 minutes that goes by throughout the day that I don't think of the what if's and the details of getting everyone where they need to be and working this stupid cancer into the mix. stupid cancer, we are far too busy for this!!! Sometimes I think is this really happening? really? I work really hard to stay in His word. I have plugged myself into uplifting Christian music for 75% of the day. I am a HUGE believer in what you put in is what comes out. The theory of "you are what you eat" goes beyond the drive-thru. If I read negative articles on-line then that is what is going to be in your head. If I "eat" medical stats that is what I become, depressing and just full of information. If I "eat" the Word that is what I am. I am full of His Power and His strength. This does not mean that I am in denial. I know that there is a 98% chance that I will be a widow in the next 4+ years. But I also know that God is bigger than that stat. I know that Craig is in a win/win. He either gets to be apart of this family or live in eternity forever. He actually gets both regardless it is just a matter of how long he gets one before he gets the other.

We are so spoiled. So spoiled. One day last week my head was spinning and I was searching the internet for pancreatic cancer survivor story. It is like finding a needle in a hay stack. The phone rang and it was Corky from SECC checking up on us. Generally Corky calls about twice a month to see what he can update the prayer request at church with. He called right when the internet search was going south. It wasn't a long conversation and generally it is quick update and I thank him for checking in and making sure we are on the list for prayers and we hang up. The day that he called he stopped and said I want to pray with you today. We prayed together and we hung up the phone. It was a quick and nothing specific. That prayer made a U-turn on my search. God is our only hope in this situation and every situation. We cling to Him. So I exited out of my internet search and moved on with day and began my search for Him and found Him much quicker than PC survivors on the internet. We are so spoiled to live a city with the kind of support that we have. We are so spoiled to have phone calls that turn a hopeless search into a prayer that turns into hope. We are so spoiled to have a God that takes care of all our needs. So spoiled!!!!

We have been blessed with an incredible summer and we are committed to keeping our house as "normal" as possible. Craig has BIG hopes to be down just two days and back at it by the weekend. Tomorrow is chemo day. Please pray that this chemo keeps the cancer at bay or even better gets rid of it and that the side effects are minimal. We love our life and we want to get back to it ASAP.

I dropped Emily off at her first day of Kindergarten this morning. Wow! Overwhelming in every way. First the freakin' paperwork - geez!! and then walking that little person into the BIG building so she could start her school journey. Her little hand felt as small as it did the first day I met her in a OR at Norton Suburban in December 2005 and that school building seemed so big. WOW. Overwhelming. So joyful for her b/c the sky is the limit and she is just getting started!
Got in the car and "God is so Good" was playing. He is so Good.
Pictures to come.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqXZD_z3eCc&feature=BFa&list=MLGxdCwVVULXeu-uq0ettPZMUpz3EUnyYv&index=12
this is the song that I hit repeat on this week.
We shall overcome... one day at a time.

Prayers.

Best 4 months

I've said it before but during the dog days of December and January when I was getting the snot kicked out of me, I prayed hard and desperately asked for an end to the treatment and some sort of return to normalcy so I could enjoy me my family and enjoy all the fun things that come with summer.  My last treatment was April 12.  The last 4 months have been an absolute blessing.  I should be extremely saddened I've got to go back on treatments but the best the best word to describe my attitude right now is grateful.  I haven't taken a day for granted this summer.  I knew and was mentally prepared this day of pending treaments would come.  In all honesty, I'm fortunate the news waited until after I got everything crossed off my list for the summer.  We had a very fun filled summer including the beach and Holiday World and birthday parties and a trip to Indianapolis and the pool and just tons of fun.  I'm mentally in a good rejuvenated place.  I'm in shape and ready for the next round.  I'd rather not have to do it but I know I do and I'm ready to stand my ground and not let this defeat me. 
OK, I do have some concerns but I'm feeling positive this hour so I'm going to try and run with that the rest of this evening before the mood changes.
Pray big for me and the fam this week please.  I'm really hoping I'm able to live while doing treatments rather than just surviving.  I really hope my awesome wife and beautiful kids can live "life" as well and me be a part of it.

Perfect Summer Read: Heaven is for Real

Last week in Hilton Head I started and finished a great easy read. I had to pass this along.
Craig read it since we have been back and passed it along to a good friend already.



This book is adorable and comforting. I am not much of a speed reader but this book took me only three days to get through with a very busy schedule on vacation. I would recommend this book to ANYONE. ANYONE that plans to die ever should read this but there is not a morbid page in the book. It is told from the perspective of a 4-year-old which means anyone can understand it but highlights the toughest scriptures to study (Revelations) so that even the most educated biblical scholar can get something out of it. I can't say enough about this book. It is really really good.


great read. get it. don't delay. read it. trust me.

as expected

The scan showed slightly growth in the pancreatic tumor and the liver tumors as well as a new tumor in the liver. That means 4-6 months of treatment starting next Thursday the 11th. They will use 3 of the 4 drugs in the folferinox treatment. Oxyplatin (sp?) will be dropped b/c of the nueropathy. Foliferi is what it is called without the oxyplatin. It will be more tolerable and Craig hopes to be able to continue to work through this round of treatment rather than take off any time other than receiving the chemo every other week.
The tumor marker was slightly up to 54 which is just another variable showing cancer growth.

We are disappointed but not surprised. The fact of the matter that this was not a 6 month nightmare but will continue to be an ongoing nightmare is just down right devastating right now.
It is what it is and we are back to one day at a time.

That is all that I am going update with right now. It is just beyond words for this blog at this time.

Thanks for the prayers and support. more to come later in the week, maybe...