Friday and 9/11 reflection and some more...

written Friday:
Craig has not gotten sick at home this time. Which is HUGE! HUGE! Being that sick makes us question so much: Is this treatment worth it? Which is followed by a string of ridiculous questions. RIDICULOUS questions for a 30 something to have to think about!!!

This is a little selfish post, I have to admit. I hope that Craig has the energy to update this weekend so this blog doesn't become just about the view of the winy wife but for now it is just that...

My Prayer is He reveal His almighty purpose for this Mess. I am yelling at Him today. I need some encouragement and purpose for this pain in my house.
If you watch this video you will get it... I want to see my flipped board!! first side would say: wife of husband with terminal cancer.... WHAT DOES THE OTHER SIDE SAY! I know that you can make beautiful things! Let's see it! I know that You can heal! Let's see it! I know that we have an Almighty purpose here. Let's see it! I know that if we look around we can find His blessing in any circumstance BUT today I am begging for a black and white/in your face/I am here, here it is... Blessing! Not a whisper...not into whispers today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LxltWrH8S0&feature=related


continued Monday 9/12:
There were so many 9/11 10 years later specials I guess I really want to know what my 10 year later looks like... or maybe I don't. I thought a lot about that this weekend. What if this is as good as my life is going to get? What if having a sick husband is better than having no husband at all. I know that is the case especially having a husband like Craig but in many ways my dreams have already disappeared. No one dreams they will get divorced, or be child-less. No one dreams of being unemployed for an extended period of time. And no on dreams of having cancer in their house especially terminal cancer. In so many ways the grieving process for the family life that I did everything in my power to built is already gone. This is ridiculous but I was a little jealous of the families of 9/11 that they were 10 year out from their tragedy. As they wrapped up last night special on CBS they talked with the firefighters that responded and survived. They said it wasn't a day or a week that they just lived through, it was something that was a part of them now. There wasn't a day that went by that they woke up and didn't think of 9/11. It was a part of their soul. And I think that is the cancer will be for my family. There won't be a day that goes by in my life that I don't think of pancreatic cancer and its effects. I learned a lot from the last half hour of that special. There was a firefighter that didn't go back to firefighting b/c of 9/11, he lost his marriage b/c of 9/11, he seemed hopeless b/c of 9/11. I will not allow that to happen to this house. We WILL take every measure possible to be a productive, God-filled house regardless of the adversity that we face. If that means that my kids are in art therapy until they are 50, then so be it. Where ever God leads us to make sure that our salvation remains intacted, we will go. Eternity is the only place where my dreams of a family of 5 is guaranteed, so when He says here is your task and I have given you a friend named Jesus to walk with you while do this task, I will say thank you for the chance to complete this task, and thank you for your son, Jesus.

continued Tuesday:
yesterday as me and girls were playing outside and waiting for Craig to come home, it felt so normal. So normal to have dinner heating up inside and waiting for him to pull in the driveway. It made me stop and say, is this cancer-thing really happening. This is the life that I recognize. Is this other one really going on? Is this really happening? really?