He will have no fear of bad news, his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. Psalm 112:7

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

My End of the Road

It's been awhile but rightfully so.  The last few of weeks have been different but not for better reason.  Each night I go bed, I come to the reality that today was not better than yesterday.  My energy level is becoming more and more decreased.  I got my daily shower today at about 5 this evening.  It's good that I got a shower but I really struggled with getting motivated to do that.  I'm often catching myself each day watching how I walk.  My legs are giving me a fight sometimes now where they don't have the strength to carry me through the house.  I'll have to stop and grab a stool to sit on for a second or I'll find a ledge to hang myself on temporarily while I plan my next course of step.  I don't always feel like this but it's happening a few times each day.  It's become depressing to watch myself and I know it's becoming depressing for Michelle to watch.  She's noticed and we talk it about it.   I don't try and do too much around the girls just so I'm not put in a bad situation that will make me look bad.  They are now fully accustomed to having me rest in my room in the back of the house with the door closed.  They don't see me too often.  Just looking at myself in the mirror, I can tell my downward spiral has begun.  I'm at my all time low of about 118 pounds.  I have an awkward time shaving my face because it is pure bone and I feel like I'm having to shave to every bony conture my face has.  My yellow eyes constantly remind my jaundice is settling back in.  This pretty much means things are going to eventually start shutting down.  There's nothing out there that makes sense for me to do to treat this that we haven't already looked at yet.  The approach is to treat all other sypmtoms like pain the best we can.  My other tell tale is that little bird that sits on your shoulder.  I have always been positive and remain positive with what is best for me, the little bird tells me it's that time and I'm not arguing with it.  The ugliness of the situation outweighs the needed fight.  I'm not really even really pleasant company right now with those that want to see me.  Chances are I'm sleeping or I'm just too tired to make it look like I want to carry a decent conversation.

The truth is my desired outcome from this situation is so very awesome.  The encouragement I have that my eternal life will be in Heaven and that I will be cancer free soon puts a smile on my face.  This has always been there, I've just fought the perceived need that I need to see my family as much as possible and do as much as I can for them.  My family does not need to see me anymore in the shape I'm in.  They need to see me at peace.  I have a million things to say here now but am overwhelmed with what I want to say so I think I'm going to have to come back with you in bits maybe from here.  I am very motivated about that the future has to offer me that there is a lot of reason to be excited.

I do know Michelle is keeping her chin high right now and it amazes me that she does what she is doing.  She's holding the family together all while watching me go through this.  The girls are awesome but they are still little girls which means there is a lot parenting needed.  They still need to be encouraged to eat dinner and help clean the table and do all the things that little ones don't love to do.  Watching her really tires me because she does it positively and she is still strong.  She's meanwhile putting a lot of finishing touches on funeral service that is needed like songs and scriptures.  You'd think this large "chore" would be overwhelming but it is so cool for me to watch her love being engaged in praise and music and scripture.  It definitely confirms I picked the right one.  She impresses me more and more each day with her godliness.  She is an awesome woman and I'm so lucky to have her.  Please continue to pray for her strength!!!!!!!!!! 

Thanks for all your support and I very much hope to share my thoughts going forward.  God is good!!!!!

16 comments:

KentuckyDG17 said...

At church when our Pastor says "God is good" we respond with "All the time" and he then says, "And all the time" to which we respond "God is good."
Love and Prayers to you and your family. Thank you for the witness you are being and for allowing this journey to give Glory to God.

Kristin

Ayryn said...

Praying for you and your family several times daily. Lost a family member to pancreatic CA. Less than a year ago. My best friend lost her mother to pancreatic CA 8 years ago. Thanks to all of you for your strength in this fight and to raising awareness of this disease

Anonymous said...

We have been praying for you for a long time ever since our sister-in-Christ Kristin put you & your family into prayer petition at our church. Your faith is such a powerful testimony to the love of God. Know that you are constantly prayed for in Texas. May God continue to cover you with His love & mercy. May His powerful angels remain encamped around you guiding you into His hands. Your love & powerful faith for God will never be forgotten by your wife & children. You are an example of true faith. God bless you on your journey brother.

Anonymous said...

God is good!!! Bless you and your family now and always. Your love for Christ in the thick of this horrible illness is such an inspiration to me that God is always there for us..l

Anonymous said...

I am praying for your family. Although I do not know your family directly, We have some mutual friends. My heart aches for you as I have daughters and a husband who is about the same age as Craig. Please know that your story has touched many. So much so that you're getting messages from people you dont know... I don't understand why your family is enduring such a test, all I know is you have alot of prayers. God bless you and your beautiful girls.

DG sister said...

I think of you often and can relate to each step you go through. I watched my dad die of cancer five years ago and as I read your blog I relive each step. I understand that you are exhausted and to some degree have already began to morn the loss of you husband, as in many ways he is already gone. There will be days in the future when you wonder if you did the right thing... should you have kept fighting... should you have tried another route. Read over Craig's words and know he has peace and is ready to see his Savior! So many wives have so many unanswered questions and doubts. Your blog has helped answer so many of the unknowns of this process and it will forever change lives.

Cindy said...

Craig, you're in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Craig- Sending prayers your way from St Louis. * George Rugg

Rick Blair said...

Craig,
I know that you will finish this earthly race strong, even though the fatigue you experience now is so much greater than a 95 degree practice field in August. You were a state champion that year, but you will be God's champion at the end of this race....and one of my true heroes. You have always know what is most important in life - God, Family, and Friends. Sort of sounds like a retreat theme.

God bless you buddy.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you and your family .Glad to see you have so much faith and a very strong wife to be there for you .Loss my Mother Pancreatic Cancer in 09 .Was hard for us but know it had to be harder for her.Prayer will be with you and your family .

Jane said...

Craig and Michelle, your testimony in the midst of this storm, simply and poignantly, cuts to the quick of all that matters. God is so very glorified in both of you. Never doubt the huge impact you have had, nor the legacy you are leaving for those that follow behind. May you feel the many of us lifting you up daily, asking the Giver of Eternity to meet your every need. Trusting His Hand, always, to hold you tender and close as you walk this road. Praying God's Abundant Blessings of Grace and Peace for each moment, Jane

wayne eddy said...

Craig - You are in my thoughts and prayers daily and I know that God has a special place for you - I pray that they find a cure for this disease -
A fellow pancreatic cancer patient you met at the courthouse - All our love goes out to you and your wife and children...Wayne & Liz
wayne.eddy@insightbb.com

Anonymous said...

While reading your blog I relived some of my journey as a pancreatic cancer patient. I pray that one day there will be a cure for PanCan. Through all this I know that God is in control and he will never leave us nor forsake us. When we accepted the Lord as our personal savior he were b ought with a price. We are not our own, we are his. I thank the Lord for his grace and Mercy. "I go to prepare a place for you" It is something that we all will have to face. When one is faced with a terminal illness we start to realize that this would is Not our home we are just a passing through. My husband and me continue to keep you and your family in our prayers.

Jeff Gilbertson said...

Craig, thank you for sharing your journey and faith in Jesus with us! You are such an inspiration. Your efforts to tell your story is making a difference to me and many others. We feel a special bond of connection with you and God. We are lifting you and your family in Prayer continually. May He lift you up on the "Wings" of Heaven! (Isaiah 40:29-31).
Love in Christ!

Jeff (from Encounter)

Tommy said...

You have fought like a winner and a true follower in Christ. May God continue to bless you & your family with such strong faith in the midst of adversity. You are a true inspiration to all In their own walk with Jesus.

Chicago Chumpians will forever be Champions!

Anonymous said...

Our family thinks of yours often. While I don't know you personally, but rather through mutual acquaitances, please know that you have touched and reached far beyond people that are close to you. We think of how strong you've been, how good of a husband and father you are, and that we are so very proud of you.