My End of the Road

It's been awhile but rightfully so.  The last few of weeks have been different but not for better reason.  Each night I go bed, I come to the reality that today was not better than yesterday.  My energy level is becoming more and more decreased.  I got my daily shower today at about 5 this evening.  It's good that I got a shower but I really struggled with getting motivated to do that.  I'm often catching myself each day watching how I walk.  My legs are giving me a fight sometimes now where they don't have the strength to carry me through the house.  I'll have to stop and grab a stool to sit on for a second or I'll find a ledge to hang myself on temporarily while I plan my next course of step.  I don't always feel like this but it's happening a few times each day.  It's become depressing to watch myself and I know it's becoming depressing for Michelle to watch.  She's noticed and we talk it about it.   I don't try and do too much around the girls just so I'm not put in a bad situation that will make me look bad.  They are now fully accustomed to having me rest in my room in the back of the house with the door closed.  They don't see me too often.  Just looking at myself in the mirror, I can tell my downward spiral has begun.  I'm at my all time low of about 118 pounds.  I have an awkward time shaving my face because it is pure bone and I feel like I'm having to shave to every bony conture my face has.  My yellow eyes constantly remind my jaundice is settling back in.  This pretty much means things are going to eventually start shutting down.  There's nothing out there that makes sense for me to do to treat this that we haven't already looked at yet.  The approach is to treat all other sypmtoms like pain the best we can.  My other tell tale is that little bird that sits on your shoulder.  I have always been positive and remain positive with what is best for me, the little bird tells me it's that time and I'm not arguing with it.  The ugliness of the situation outweighs the needed fight.  I'm not really even really pleasant company right now with those that want to see me.  Chances are I'm sleeping or I'm just too tired to make it look like I want to carry a decent conversation.

The truth is my desired outcome from this situation is so very awesome.  The encouragement I have that my eternal life will be in Heaven and that I will be cancer free soon puts a smile on my face.  This has always been there, I've just fought the perceived need that I need to see my family as much as possible and do as much as I can for them.  My family does not need to see me anymore in the shape I'm in.  They need to see me at peace.  I have a million things to say here now but am overwhelmed with what I want to say so I think I'm going to have to come back with you in bits maybe from here.  I am very motivated about that the future has to offer me that there is a lot of reason to be excited.

I do know Michelle is keeping her chin high right now and it amazes me that she does what she is doing.  She's holding the family together all while watching me go through this.  The girls are awesome but they are still little girls which means there is a lot parenting needed.  They still need to be encouraged to eat dinner and help clean the table and do all the things that little ones don't love to do.  Watching her really tires me because she does it positively and she is still strong.  She's meanwhile putting a lot of finishing touches on funeral service that is needed like songs and scriptures.  You'd think this large "chore" would be overwhelming but it is so cool for me to watch her love being engaged in praise and music and scripture.  It definitely confirms I picked the right one.  She impresses me more and more each day with her godliness.  She is an awesome woman and I'm so lucky to have her.  Please continue to pray for her strength!!!!!!!!!! 

Thanks for all your support and I very much hope to share my thoughts going forward.  God is good!!!!!