Billirubin is down to a normal level at .6. Last time they checked that is was at 3.4.
Tumor marker is down and is at the lowest it has been since the diagnosis. Not a huge jump but none the less, down.
YEAH! for good numbers!
hope this numbers will lead us to our miracle. praise God for good numbers.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
treatment #3 day
They just ran the labs and we are waiting to make sure he can take the chemo. His white blood cells have to be close to normal to be able to handle it. I am sure he will be fine.
They are running a tumor marker today and it will probably be back tomorrow. They said that we can't hang on to every number if it is slightly up that doesn't mean the chemo won't work it is just one piece of the puzzle. They are also pulling his billyrubin numbers to see if those have decreased. Another piece of the puzzle. I am glad that she said that b/c we are numbers people. She said you also have to look at person and see how they feel too to see how the treatment is going. They seem really optimistic and pleased that Craig is feeling and looking as good as he is. I think they are a little shocked on how well he is doing with the regimen he is on. They seem very upbeat since he feels so good.
The next CT scan will be between the mid-December treatment and late December treatment so the week of Christmas. The realistic expectations would be the tumor would be the same or less. They would be really surprised if it were already half the size. It is still the beginning of the treatment so our expectations need to be realistic but wouldn't it be wonderful if it just came back clear?
more to come...
things are fine. quiet which is good. He is tired already but no nausea.
He is on the second drip and should be done with that in about a half hour or so.
They are running a tumor marker today and it will probably be back tomorrow. They said that we can't hang on to every number if it is slightly up that doesn't mean the chemo won't work it is just one piece of the puzzle. They are also pulling his billyrubin numbers to see if those have decreased. Another piece of the puzzle. I am glad that she said that b/c we are numbers people. She said you also have to look at person and see how they feel too to see how the treatment is going. They seem really optimistic and pleased that Craig is feeling and looking as good as he is. I think they are a little shocked on how well he is doing with the regimen he is on. They seem very upbeat since he feels so good.
The next CT scan will be between the mid-December treatment and late December treatment so the week of Christmas. The realistic expectations would be the tumor would be the same or less. They would be really surprised if it were already half the size. It is still the beginning of the treatment so our expectations need to be realistic but wouldn't it be wonderful if it just came back clear?
more to come...
things are fine. quiet which is good. He is tired already but no nausea.
He is on the second drip and should be done with that in about a half hour or so.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Treatment #3 Tuesday
I'm ready for tomorrow. I get myself psyched up best I can going into the treatment. I know I need it, I'm doing it for a reason. It's not going to be fun but it is what it is. They will do a tumor marker tomorrow which is a fancy way of saying we are doing a blood test that says kind of how active the cancer is in my system. We don't know what the numbers mean but we will have plenty of questions in the morning. I'm very optimistic about things right now but I somehow always plan on hearing negative news. I've never really came out of a visit yet thinking things were better off than what we thought. I prepare myself for the worst but hope to hear decent news. The last week has been really good and I've got it made up in my mind that my tumor has shrunk some. I'm used to have pains in my abdomen and I'm used to having a hard time laying down and getting comfortable in bed. The pains are much less and I can get comfortable pretty easily now in bed which is very much a blessing. I can eat a lot now as well and I have been scarfing down some food the last few days to try and gain some weight. I have a had a cold the last few days and have a cough which scares us though because the worst news is that it has spread more beyond the pancreas and liver to a place like my lungs. I'm grounded for the worst but I can't help but be optimistic because I'm feeling great. We'll see. I'm amazed on how many prayer lists I've been thrown on at church's across town and with friends across the country. We are praying for miracles which is really true but I believe God can pull this off. He has pulled off many miracles so I know he can do this. He's going to be there for me no matter what this cancer has in store. I'll take the miracle if I'm given it. I'm short and sweet tonight, need to get to bed.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Living with an elephant in the room...
So I guess this is "living with cancer". Craig is really normally. corny jokes. watches sports all the time (UK vs. UT - what the heck was that?!). quotes movies. plays with the girls. makes lunches. brushes their teeth in the morning (good thing b/c I forget when it is not a school day) eats normally (just smaller portions). all is very normal.
We went out last night and did our normal try-to-get-as-many-Christmas-presents-as-possible-while-we-have-two-sitters night. He lasted longer than I did shopping, although wasn't too happy to spend too much time in Macy's. normal.
Tonight we was lasagna Thanksgiving at my mom's house since we don't make it to NKY for the holidays any more. All very normal it seems....
except it is not. He has cancer. It is the big ugly elephant in every room. Some rooms ask about the elephant, some rooms ignore the elephant. It is still there.
Thursday morning I got so far ahead of myself again. I guess the holidays will get that way but overall this weekend has been normal.
We do have so much to be thankful for. There are people living with cancer that will tell you it has really put things in perspective. I don't want to toot my own horn but I was thankful for my life before cancer. Cancer hasn't shed a light on how good it was before. I knew it. Although I took good health of my family for granted I still knew that I was the lucky one. I guess I wouldn't use the word lucky now but blessed. I think those are completely to different things. People use the word blessed interchangeable. I don't feel lucky, my husband a ugly pancreas but I do feel blessed with an amazing family and an incredible God that will get us through whatever lies ahead.
Anyway. I am thankful for a great thanksgiving weekend that turned around in the right direction after a rough Thursday morning. Church tomorrow. I was going to do a family picture but I didn't get it together in time so I guess we will have to do it in two weeks. I don't think that I am going to do Christmas cards this year. I got them out (I buy them after Christmas the year before and pack them away for the next year they are soo cheap the week after Christmas. I can't believe I spilled the beans on that little secret.) but I just don't feel like starting another project right now. So I think we will just post our Christmas card on here. Sorry, I hate that and it goes with everything that I hate about the internet and blogs but I just don't have the patience for Christmas card right now.
Have a good last day of Thanksgiving weekend.
We went out last night and did our normal try-to-get-as-many-Christmas-presents-as-possible-while-we-have-two-sitters night. He lasted longer than I did shopping, although wasn't too happy to spend too much time in Macy's. normal.
Tonight we was lasagna Thanksgiving at my mom's house since we don't make it to NKY for the holidays any more. All very normal it seems....
except it is not. He has cancer. It is the big ugly elephant in every room. Some rooms ask about the elephant, some rooms ignore the elephant. It is still there.
Thursday morning I got so far ahead of myself again. I guess the holidays will get that way but overall this weekend has been normal.
We do have so much to be thankful for. There are people living with cancer that will tell you it has really put things in perspective. I don't want to toot my own horn but I was thankful for my life before cancer. Cancer hasn't shed a light on how good it was before. I knew it. Although I took good health of my family for granted I still knew that I was the lucky one. I guess I wouldn't use the word lucky now but blessed. I think those are completely to different things. People use the word blessed interchangeable. I don't feel lucky, my husband a ugly pancreas but I do feel blessed with an amazing family and an incredible God that will get us through whatever lies ahead.
Anyway. I am thankful for a great thanksgiving weekend that turned around in the right direction after a rough Thursday morning. Church tomorrow. I was going to do a family picture but I didn't get it together in time so I guess we will have to do it in two weeks. I don't think that I am going to do Christmas cards this year. I got them out (I buy them after Christmas the year before and pack them away for the next year they are soo cheap the week after Christmas. I can't believe I spilled the beans on that little secret.) but I just don't feel like starting another project right now. So I think we will just post our Christmas card on here. Sorry, I hate that and it goes with everything that I hate about the internet and blogs but I just don't have the patience for Christmas card right now.
Have a good last day of Thanksgiving weekend.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Fall 2010
Emily and Hannah fall 2010
Lookin' good Hannie!
Myrtle Beach September 2010
Craig and Hannah on vacation
Emily, Morgan, Abby (friend of the family and beach buddy)
Hannah trying out the highchair
God. Jesus saves. craig. emily. morgan. hannah. friends. family. the bible. faith. hope. love.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
My big PINK soap box
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/video/patrick-swayzes-widow-lisa-niemi-swayze-fights-pancreatic-cancer-12118865
Disclaimer: this may be interpreted as one of those "politically incorrect" post. Might want to just skip it.
I have thought about this post for many weeks now, I have debated whether or not to even mention the subject but time and time again this subject gets under my skin. This is not to take away from anyone's cancer battle. My mom has two dear friends that battled cancer. One does victory laps in her beautiful pool in her backyard and one does victory laps in heaven. Every cancer fighter deserves medals for their bravery.
It seems just taboo to even mention this...
Here's the thing. There are pink ribbons ON EVERYTHING. I have a bag of Sun chips that is pink in the pantry, Energizer batteries, if it stands still long enough in a store someone is going to stick a pink ribbon on it. Susan G. Komen has mastered the way to market a disease. Susan died in the late 70s and her sister was in marketing and made it her pledge to help fund breast cancer so that they could find a cure. And man did she do it!! Don't get me wrong, thank goodness she did. They have found ways to treat breast cancer and more importantly they have promoted preventing it. BUT breast cancer isn't the only cancer that is out there. If pancreatic cancer received a 10th of the funding that breast cancer did they may have better answers for us.
This hasn't just been on my mind since Craig was diagnosed, it was just a smaller soap box at the time. I worked with a local hospital several years back on the marketing of their new heart health unit. Did you know that heart disease is the number one killer of women, not breast cancer? If you want to support women's health throw your money on educating women how they can keep their hearts healthy. That is much easier to solve than a disease that comes out of no where at times.
When Craig was first diagnosed I found a website that said that pancreatic cancer was so underfunded for several reasons. One of the main ones was the fact that it was so hard to prevent since the pancreas is hidden behind a couple organs. The symptoms are not alarming until they persist or jaundice surfaces and then it is normally in late stages. The other reason is there are not "spokespeople" out there to help move the research along. With the odds that go along with the disease there isn't much of a "team" to join. There are two walks in Louisville alone that support breast cancer. There isn't one to support any GI cancers with in 100 miles.
Last night I was reading an article on treatment that is being worked on in Cincinnati. A drug that was discovered in 2002. 2002! The researchers are hoping it gets to a phase I clinical trial by mid-next year. The funding to push these things through just isn't there.
Don't get me wrong, Save the Ta-tas, Fight Like a Girl, wear your pink and wear it proud. BUT don't do it at the sacrifice of the pancreas, the colon, the liver, hundreds of pediatric cancer, lung cancer, brain cancer etc etc. We may not have the cute slogans but we have family members suffering. And suffering with little medical hope.
I have posted a link from Good Morning America a couple weeks ago. Patrick Swayze died of pancreatic cancer after battling 22 months. His wife was interviewed by Robin Roberts who is a breast cancer survivor. The interview highlights my point much better than I am doing in this post. Pancreatic cancer is where breast cancer was 20 years ago and it needs help. It needs marketing, it needs walks, it needs funding, it needs corporation to get behind it like breast cancer!
One day in the oncologist office it was pink out day. I asked one of the nurse when purple out day was. She didn't even realize that was the color for Pancreatic cancer, as she was treating my husband for the disease! Most people don't even know the color for pancreatic cancer but they know about the pink.
Again I am not dogging breast cancer fighters we just need to spread the love so that other cancer can share in the success.
Signs and symptoms of pancreatic cancer:
Well at least I am not the only one.
After I explained myself to the RN at the office she said "well it sounds like a good job for you."
Well I do look good in purple....
Disclaimer: this may be interpreted as one of those "politically incorrect" post. Might want to just skip it.
I have thought about this post for many weeks now, I have debated whether or not to even mention the subject but time and time again this subject gets under my skin. This is not to take away from anyone's cancer battle. My mom has two dear friends that battled cancer. One does victory laps in her beautiful pool in her backyard and one does victory laps in heaven. Every cancer fighter deserves medals for their bravery.
It seems just taboo to even mention this...
Here's the thing. There are pink ribbons ON EVERYTHING. I have a bag of Sun chips that is pink in the pantry, Energizer batteries, if it stands still long enough in a store someone is going to stick a pink ribbon on it. Susan G. Komen has mastered the way to market a disease. Susan died in the late 70s and her sister was in marketing and made it her pledge to help fund breast cancer so that they could find a cure. And man did she do it!! Don't get me wrong, thank goodness she did. They have found ways to treat breast cancer and more importantly they have promoted preventing it. BUT breast cancer isn't the only cancer that is out there. If pancreatic cancer received a 10th of the funding that breast cancer did they may have better answers for us.
This hasn't just been on my mind since Craig was diagnosed, it was just a smaller soap box at the time. I worked with a local hospital several years back on the marketing of their new heart health unit. Did you know that heart disease is the number one killer of women, not breast cancer? If you want to support women's health throw your money on educating women how they can keep their hearts healthy. That is much easier to solve than a disease that comes out of no where at times.
When Craig was first diagnosed I found a website that said that pancreatic cancer was so underfunded for several reasons. One of the main ones was the fact that it was so hard to prevent since the pancreas is hidden behind a couple organs. The symptoms are not alarming until they persist or jaundice surfaces and then it is normally in late stages. The other reason is there are not "spokespeople" out there to help move the research along. With the odds that go along with the disease there isn't much of a "team" to join. There are two walks in Louisville alone that support breast cancer. There isn't one to support any GI cancers with in 100 miles.
Last night I was reading an article on treatment that is being worked on in Cincinnati. A drug that was discovered in 2002. 2002! The researchers are hoping it gets to a phase I clinical trial by mid-next year. The funding to push these things through just isn't there.
Don't get me wrong, Save the Ta-tas, Fight Like a Girl, wear your pink and wear it proud. BUT don't do it at the sacrifice of the pancreas, the colon, the liver, hundreds of pediatric cancer, lung cancer, brain cancer etc etc. We may not have the cute slogans but we have family members suffering. And suffering with little medical hope.
I have posted a link from Good Morning America a couple weeks ago. Patrick Swayze died of pancreatic cancer after battling 22 months. His wife was interviewed by Robin Roberts who is a breast cancer survivor. The interview highlights my point much better than I am doing in this post. Pancreatic cancer is where breast cancer was 20 years ago and it needs help. It needs marketing, it needs walks, it needs funding, it needs corporation to get behind it like breast cancer!
One day in the oncologist office it was pink out day. I asked one of the nurse when purple out day was. She didn't even realize that was the color for Pancreatic cancer, as she was treating my husband for the disease! Most people don't even know the color for pancreatic cancer but they know about the pink.
Again I am not dogging breast cancer fighters we just need to spread the love so that other cancer can share in the success.
Signs and symptoms of pancreatic cancer:
- Upper abdominal pain that may radiate to your back
- Yellowing of your skin and the whites of your eyes (jaundice)
- Loss of appetite
- Weight loss
- Depression
- Blood clots
Well at least I am not the only one.
After I explained myself to the RN at the office she said "well it sounds like a good job for you."
Well I do look good in purple....
Faith sermon
http://www.southeastchristian.org/?page=3476&project=80354&program=311242
This is an amazing sermon from this past weekend. Kyle is beyond talented and a huge blessing to the SECC church family. The first night after they found the mass in Craig's pancreas he said either way this goes, it will be fine. This sermon is just that, having the strength to have the faith that either way it goes, it will be fine.
Thanks Kyle for writing a sermon that spoke directly to us, it was like we were the only ones in the sanctuary.
We are praying everyday that we are in group 1 and we know that God has the ability for us to be there. To be the unexplained: The CT scan that shouldn't be clear but is. We pray that we can be in THAT group. We will praise regardless but we NEED to be in group 1. For Emily, Morgan and Hannah we need to be in group 1.
This is an amazing sermon from this past weekend. Kyle is beyond talented and a huge blessing to the SECC church family. The first night after they found the mass in Craig's pancreas he said either way this goes, it will be fine. This sermon is just that, having the strength to have the faith that either way it goes, it will be fine.
Thanks Kyle for writing a sermon that spoke directly to us, it was like we were the only ones in the sanctuary.
We are praying everyday that we are in group 1 and we know that God has the ability for us to be there. To be the unexplained: The CT scan that shouldn't be clear but is. We pray that we can be in THAT group. We will praise regardless but we NEED to be in group 1. For Emily, Morgan and Hannah we need to be in group 1.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Santa, Cheerleaders, Talking Mouse, God, Deck & Banana Berry
This is what I did this weekend. It was jampacked, I survived and had a good time. Friday night we made it to Light Up the Summit which has been an annual trip with friends for maybe the past 5 years now. We got a family picture taken with Santa Clause. The girls, all 3 of them, asked Santa for a Barbie SUV that they all can fit in and drive. I'm thinking Santa will pull through for the fam this year and deliver their request. I was too excited to see him myself and I forgot to ask him for a new pancreas. On Saturday, we made it to the UofL game and got to move down to the good seats where my cousins have tickets in the front row of the crunch zone. We made it as a family minus Hannah who hung with Mimi for the afternoon. The girls loved sitting right in front of the cheerleaders which was their main attraction. Emily spent most of the game doing her cheerleader which was standing on my legs and doing her Cards cheer (which wasn't easy because Michelle has already brainwashed her the other way) and then jumping in the air while I caught her. Emily and Morgan both got to get high fives from the Cardinal Bird which was pretty cool. UofL lost but I don't sweat the outcome as much as I used to; they need to beat Rutgers next week though. Saturday evening was Emily and me going to Chuckie Cheese to celebrate my niece Ashleigh's birthday. We were there for 2.5 hours eating and mostly playing games. Emily had a blast with her cousins which was enough to get me through the evening. She turned her tickets in at the end of the night for Pop Rocks candy which she hasn't tried before. Sunday morning was the family trip to church. The sermon today was written directly to us or at least it seemed. I think we'll have a different post regarding this topic. Sunday afternoon was receiving a visit from a couple of friends that actually decided to live in Lexington after UK rather than come back to the big city. Josh and Kelly did bring me a cool new Bears shirt fresh from Soldier Field last weekend (Thanks again!). This late afternoon and evening was some male bonding as Brent very graciously helped me get a start on staining my deck. Tomorrow is probably the last warm day of the year so we are going to get as far as we can. If anybody is not working tomorrow and needs something to do, give me a shout :) The evening is concluding with a run to Graeters to try their real fruit smoothies. I endorse trying the Banana Berry. I will tell you the secret that it is made with a handful of real strawberries, a whole banana minus the peel and strawberry sorbet. I have been excited to feeling "up" for all of these things this weekend and it was definitely a success. I still have 9 whole days before the next treatment so I'm going to keep on moving.
Friday, November 19, 2010
back in scriptures
When I did talk with Dr. Hamm yesterday he said they will do a CT scan before the 4th treatment in December. And they will pull tumor marker numbers at the next treatment on the 30th. I still don't understand what a tumor marker is but I guess I will ask on the 30th rather than searching the internet.
After days of looking for answers that I really don't want to hear (I guess) I am back in the scriptures. After not getting the answers I wanted on the internet and from the oncologist office I am going back to God. His answers seem so vague right now. I guess I need to just keep asking and keep talking.
Scriptures of consistent hope and love should be good enough but with an anxious heart looking for guarantees nothing seems to be enough. God is the only guarantee that I have. He will be there. That should be enough but I selfishly want a guarantee that I will have a husband and dad for my kids.
Pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:17-18
Do not fear...do not let your hands hang limp. The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:16-17
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9
After days of looking for answers that I really don't want to hear (I guess) I am back in the scriptures. After not getting the answers I wanted on the internet and from the oncologist office I am going back to God. His answers seem so vague right now. I guess I need to just keep asking and keep talking.
Scriptures of consistent hope and love should be good enough but with an anxious heart looking for guarantees nothing seems to be enough. God is the only guarantee that I have. He will be there. That should be enough but I selfishly want a guarantee that I will have a husband and dad for my kids.
Pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:17-18
Do not fear...do not let your hands hang limp. The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:16-17
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
a post you probably don't want to read - i'm not crazy, just down in the dumps
I haven't posted a lot this week b/c although this has been a good week physically for Craig, emotionally this is a nightmare for me. The shock wore off and Polly positive worn down to nothing. Although I am so grateful that Craig's chemo side effects were kept at bay and we figure that all out, it still doesn't take away from the fact that my husband has cancer. Not just cancer but stage 4 cancer. The weeks that he is down with chemo it is just me. I can physically do it, bath nights and bedtime aren't bad, it is a lot, but it is really not the logistics that get me down. I miss my husband and he is right here. I am so far ahead of myself right now but it is hard to stay day to day. Fear crept in every time I think this is tough by myself.
Our house has always been 50/50 or 100/100 if you get right down to it. Craig isn't the husband that just works and comes home to his "castle'. He helps with the laundry, changes diapers, reads to little girls before they go to sleep etc etc. He bathed them when I was pregnant with Hannah even know he hates doing baths.When I am up against deadlines at work he does what needs to be done, cleans up the kitchen after dinner, cleans bathrooms, runs to Kroger, whatever. We fill in for each other with little direction. We are still working on the dance but it was close to perfection or at least tolerable.
I have known him since I was 18. 18! I was still a teenager! We have history. We have a life and it has been interrupted. It is fine to get off track for a couple months but the chances of this just being a couple months is little and that scares me. I don't want to live in cancer world. I don't even want to visit but it looks like we have no choice. I feel like I have no choices in anything any more.
The day before he went into the hospital we were talking in the kitchen about how tired he was. He said that he was actually looking forward to seeing the doctor to see what is wrong and be able to get some answers why he has been so tired. He said that he wanted to be able to help around the house and not have to go to bed early and not spend time together. He was looking forward to having answers and a solution. I told him that I was looking forward to having him back. And then I said it the statement that now haunts me. I said "I have never been happier in my whole life." I said it b/c I wanted him to feel good enough to be able to say it too. And I meant it. Hannah was our last baby and was happy to have pregnancy behind me. I was happy to have a complete family. Hannah is the most joyful baby. She has been an absolute delight from day one. I had actually finally figured out how to breastfeed and I was just enjoying every little moment with this new life b/c it was going to my last baby. Emily and Morgan are wonderful and it has always been a blessing to watch their relationship. I have never in my life seen a relationship so close as sisters. They are the ultimate ying and yang. What one doesn't have the other does and they are an amazing team to witness. I have an great house in a great neighborhood, with great a school system. I have a great job that I love with a set up that keeps me challenged but I still have the flexibility to be able to take care of my family first. I have amazing friends that go back 15+ years. I have family that helps me out with everything and love my girls. And I have an amazing husband. He supports me in all that I do. We are on the same page most of the time and he is an amazing leader in our house. We love to worship God and we love our church. I had everything, I guess I still do but it is tough right now. I read that poem that Cheryl posted on one of the first post and she is right cancer can't take all that away but it sure does feel like it right now. I feel like our whole life is cancer right now and the worst part is we are unsure of the light at the end of the tunnel. Is it in six months? after a surgery they won't even talk about as a possibility right now? Or will we ever have a light at the end of the tunnel? Will this go on for the rest of our lives? Craig's life? See what I mean by getting too far ahead? I'm a planner, that is what I do. But this is a whole new beast. It takes your plans and laughs at them.
I have just been in a tailspin for a couple days. A dear friend helped me sort through my questions for over an hour last night so that I could at least call the oncologist office with some logical (sane) questions. Craig and I combed through so much information and stayed day to day after the diagnosis to decide on a treatment plan that I really don't know the schedule and what to expect from it. I hope to get some answers tomorrow when they call back. It was good to just to touch base with someone rather than sitting at the computer looking for answers and just finding more to worry about rather than answers.
I am just in a valley right now. There are hills and valleys in life and we have hit a valley. It is even harder to sit in this valley and think about a statement "I have never been happier in my whole life" said that day before such a horrible diagnosis. I actually googled the stages of grieff to see what was next b/c this one sucks. Negotiation, oh good, I am great at negotiating except when I don't I don't get my way so it sounds like I will land me a seat in anger for a little while now. grreeat.
Sorry for the crappy post. It is extremely therapeutic to get it out there but I know this is all to hard to hear. this is just tough. I want a plan and I want guarantees and cancer comes with neither. I know that if I will let it this situation will bring me to a new level of faith but I know what I want, I want my life back. I want my close to perfect life back. I want my cancer-free life back. It is hard to look beyond that right now.
Our house has always been 50/50 or 100/100 if you get right down to it. Craig isn't the husband that just works and comes home to his "castle'. He helps with the laundry, changes diapers, reads to little girls before they go to sleep etc etc. He bathed them when I was pregnant with Hannah even know he hates doing baths.When I am up against deadlines at work he does what needs to be done, cleans up the kitchen after dinner, cleans bathrooms, runs to Kroger, whatever. We fill in for each other with little direction. We are still working on the dance but it was close to perfection or at least tolerable.
I have known him since I was 18. 18! I was still a teenager! We have history. We have a life and it has been interrupted. It is fine to get off track for a couple months but the chances of this just being a couple months is little and that scares me. I don't want to live in cancer world. I don't even want to visit but it looks like we have no choice. I feel like I have no choices in anything any more.
The day before he went into the hospital we were talking in the kitchen about how tired he was. He said that he was actually looking forward to seeing the doctor to see what is wrong and be able to get some answers why he has been so tired. He said that he wanted to be able to help around the house and not have to go to bed early and not spend time together. He was looking forward to having answers and a solution. I told him that I was looking forward to having him back. And then I said it the statement that now haunts me. I said "I have never been happier in my whole life." I said it b/c I wanted him to feel good enough to be able to say it too. And I meant it. Hannah was our last baby and was happy to have pregnancy behind me. I was happy to have a complete family. Hannah is the most joyful baby. She has been an absolute delight from day one. I had actually finally figured out how to breastfeed and I was just enjoying every little moment with this new life b/c it was going to my last baby. Emily and Morgan are wonderful and it has always been a blessing to watch their relationship. I have never in my life seen a relationship so close as sisters. They are the ultimate ying and yang. What one doesn't have the other does and they are an amazing team to witness. I have an great house in a great neighborhood, with great a school system. I have a great job that I love with a set up that keeps me challenged but I still have the flexibility to be able to take care of my family first. I have amazing friends that go back 15+ years. I have family that helps me out with everything and love my girls. And I have an amazing husband. He supports me in all that I do. We are on the same page most of the time and he is an amazing leader in our house. We love to worship God and we love our church. I had everything, I guess I still do but it is tough right now. I read that poem that Cheryl posted on one of the first post and she is right cancer can't take all that away but it sure does feel like it right now. I feel like our whole life is cancer right now and the worst part is we are unsure of the light at the end of the tunnel. Is it in six months? after a surgery they won't even talk about as a possibility right now? Or will we ever have a light at the end of the tunnel? Will this go on for the rest of our lives? Craig's life? See what I mean by getting too far ahead? I'm a planner, that is what I do. But this is a whole new beast. It takes your plans and laughs at them.
I have just been in a tailspin for a couple days. A dear friend helped me sort through my questions for over an hour last night so that I could at least call the oncologist office with some logical (sane) questions. Craig and I combed through so much information and stayed day to day after the diagnosis to decide on a treatment plan that I really don't know the schedule and what to expect from it. I hope to get some answers tomorrow when they call back. It was good to just to touch base with someone rather than sitting at the computer looking for answers and just finding more to worry about rather than answers.
I am just in a valley right now. There are hills and valleys in life and we have hit a valley. It is even harder to sit in this valley and think about a statement "I have never been happier in my whole life" said that day before such a horrible diagnosis. I actually googled the stages of grieff to see what was next b/c this one sucks. Negotiation, oh good, I am great at negotiating except when I don't I don't get my way so it sounds like I will land me a seat in anger for a little while now. grreeat.
Sorry for the crappy post. It is extremely therapeutic to get it out there but I know this is all to hard to hear. this is just tough. I want a plan and I want guarantees and cancer comes with neither. I know that if I will let it this situation will bring me to a new level of faith but I know what I want, I want my life back. I want my close to perfect life back. I want my cancer-free life back. It is hard to look beyond that right now.
Hidden Valley Ranch with a side of Ranch dip
Many people have asked if they could do dinners. We have an amazing friend, Janelle Richardson, that volunteered on day 2 to coordinate meals. I don't think that she knew what she was getting into when she took the title VP of dinners.
Anyway she has us set up on a website http://www.takethemameal.com/. name: merimee password: uk
We have been so blessed with so many friends wanting to help out. This has been such a load off. Here's the thing my kids don't eat a lot. For example, Morgan had four carrots the other night for dinner, yes four carrots. Of course, that is ridiculous but Dr. Phil says that if you do food battles then it can lead to eating disorders. (insert sarcastic font here). Anyway my point is don't feel like you have to do an elaborate meal. They are not use to that b/c I am no master chef by any stretch. We eat a lot of veggies dipped in Ranch, (Morgan dips everything in ranch dressing hence the title of this post.) salads, baked chicken, easy pastas. Keep it simply.
At a later date we may visit a nutritionist for Craig to see what are some easy to digest food that will pack the pounds that he has lost. More on that when we get around to it.
Thanks for the support and all the prayers. We couldn't do this without the support system that we have.
Anyway she has us set up on a website http://www.takethemameal.com/. name: merimee password: uk
We have been so blessed with so many friends wanting to help out. This has been such a load off. Here's the thing my kids don't eat a lot. For example, Morgan had four carrots the other night for dinner, yes four carrots. Of course, that is ridiculous but Dr. Phil says that if you do food battles then it can lead to eating disorders. (insert sarcastic font here). Anyway my point is don't feel like you have to do an elaborate meal. They are not use to that b/c I am no master chef by any stretch. We eat a lot of veggies dipped in Ranch, (Morgan dips everything in ranch dressing hence the title of this post.) salads, baked chicken, easy pastas. Keep it simply.
At a later date we may visit a nutritionist for Craig to see what are some easy to digest food that will pack the pounds that he has lost. More on that when we get around to it.
Thanks for the support and all the prayers. We couldn't do this without the support system that we have.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Day #5 after treatment #2
This time around has been better. I've kept nauseau at bay and only got sick once. We were able to stay ahead of the game which is key. As Michelle has pointed out, fatigue is the #1 mental and physical challenge. It is a very big challenge being worn down when you are lying down, when you are sitting up and also when standing. The fatigue is caused by the war going on inside my body between chemo and my cells. I keep telling myself 'Wednesday' because I should be closer to par as far as feeling good. I hate complaining when I shouldn't be complaining, it's just still hard. Each hour I have to mentally decide to fight through the tiredness and either eat something, or empty the dishwasher or fold towels or play wii, etc. I'm trying hard to stop complaining to Michelle too about being tired, that's my other struggle as well. I am enthused about having a little extra time off this go round, November 30 is my next treatment day (because of the holidays and our request). Beginning Nov 30th, I'll be on a every other Tuesday plan through April. It's weird to schedule out that far in advance but it tells me a lot. I should be good for Christmas and Emily's b-day; I'll have a treatment on Morgan's bday in Feb :(. Of course, things, treatments or whatever could change between now and then. On another note, I've got the UofL West Virginia circled on my calendar this Saturday as a game I'd like to get to with the Michelle and the girls (minus Hannah). We'll see if we can make it. It should be in the high 50's or 60 for the game so that part sounds reasonable. I'm looking forward to Christmas shopping and I have never said that before. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and seeing mine and Michelle's family. We will not be hosting so that's a plus. Not much else going on, just waiting for Wednesday I guess. I made it to church this past weekend which was good. They played one of my favorite songs, the one that sticks in my head about every day. Favorite Line: "I can see a light that is coming for the hand that holds on, and there will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes, still I will praise You." I still have plenty to be thankful and that is why I will keep praising; I've been given so much and for that I am thankful.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
fatigue fatigue fatigue
It is a new day. The plumbing is fixed and bathrooms are all good. thankfully!
Yesterday ended up being a more than frustrating day and I will spare you the whiny details of stupid mistake with the port that landed us in the doctor's office but all is well now.
Neulasta (sp?) shot was taken care of this morning by the same nurse that thought I was the world's most horrible wife. She said he looked so much better this time around. And he does. He has been doing a little bit here and a little bit there, folding a little laundry, heating up his own lunch, taking out the trash, etc. It just takes more effort when he is so tired. He is so thankful that he is not nausea that he is glad to push himself a bit more this time. He is not eating a lot but is eating so that is a HUGE plus. We are so thankful for the (ridiculously) warm weather so that he doesn't have to worry about the cold air and that crazy side effect. He has lost a lot of weight since this all began but he has until 11/30 until the next treatment so he has time to try to pack on as much as he can to get his strength up.
Since he has extra time that gives us a chance to enjoy Thanksgiving and hopefully get some Christmas things done before it gets too late in the month.
It makes me nervous to delay the chemo treatment and get off track a couple days but I know they wouldn't have let us do it if it would have compromised the possible success of the treatment. Still makes me nervous.
We are grateful for minimal side effects and we are still trying to stay positive but I have to say the more we get into this the more it sinks in what our "new life" is. I walked down the hall in the oncologist office Wednesday and saw "Merimee" on the board with his room number and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My husband's name is on the wipey board at an ONCOLOGIST office. Yuck. This sucks. Then as I walked down the hall passing different exam rooms, conference rooms: that is the room we were waiting on billirubin results, that is the room we talked about the clinical trial and went through a stack of other possible clinical trials from other cancer centers, that is the conference room we talked about the Folifox regime and the side effects. This is no longer a crappy event in our lives but part of our history. I still pray that it is just six months of our life and then we get to get back to our normal but none the less the next six months are on again off again side effects, blood work, port accesses and de-accesses, more questions with everyday, will it work? After all this will it work? All we can do is pray that it does and take it day by day. Some days are going bad and some days will be fine. I know everyday that the Lord is carrying us through this just as the poem footprints states. I ask myself everyday, why are we not completely falling apart? footprints. He is carrying us through.
He has given us the world's most wonderful friends that spend hours on the phone talking about the most depressing subjects and they take my kids at the drop of a hat when I have to run anywhere and can't or don't want to drag three kids with me.
I'm tired and he is exhausted but it is wonderful to have a God bigger than this cancer and amazing friends to walk along side as He carries us through this.
Yesterday ended up being a more than frustrating day and I will spare you the whiny details of stupid mistake with the port that landed us in the doctor's office but all is well now.
Neulasta (sp?) shot was taken care of this morning by the same nurse that thought I was the world's most horrible wife. She said he looked so much better this time around. And he does. He has been doing a little bit here and a little bit there, folding a little laundry, heating up his own lunch, taking out the trash, etc. It just takes more effort when he is so tired. He is so thankful that he is not nausea that he is glad to push himself a bit more this time. He is not eating a lot but is eating so that is a HUGE plus. We are so thankful for the (ridiculously) warm weather so that he doesn't have to worry about the cold air and that crazy side effect. He has lost a lot of weight since this all began but he has until 11/30 until the next treatment so he has time to try to pack on as much as he can to get his strength up.
Since he has extra time that gives us a chance to enjoy Thanksgiving and hopefully get some Christmas things done before it gets too late in the month.
It makes me nervous to delay the chemo treatment and get off track a couple days but I know they wouldn't have let us do it if it would have compromised the possible success of the treatment. Still makes me nervous.
We are grateful for minimal side effects and we are still trying to stay positive but I have to say the more we get into this the more it sinks in what our "new life" is. I walked down the hall in the oncologist office Wednesday and saw "Merimee" on the board with his room number and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My husband's name is on the wipey board at an ONCOLOGIST office. Yuck. This sucks. Then as I walked down the hall passing different exam rooms, conference rooms: that is the room we were waiting on billirubin results, that is the room we talked about the clinical trial and went through a stack of other possible clinical trials from other cancer centers, that is the conference room we talked about the Folifox regime and the side effects. This is no longer a crappy event in our lives but part of our history. I still pray that it is just six months of our life and then we get to get back to our normal but none the less the next six months are on again off again side effects, blood work, port accesses and de-accesses, more questions with everyday, will it work? After all this will it work? All we can do is pray that it does and take it day by day. Some days are going bad and some days will be fine. I know everyday that the Lord is carrying us through this just as the poem footprints states. I ask myself everyday, why are we not completely falling apart? footprints. He is carrying us through.
He has given us the world's most wonderful friends that spend hours on the phone talking about the most depressing subjects and they take my kids at the drop of a hat when I have to run anywhere and can't or don't want to drag three kids with me.
I'm tired and he is exhausted but it is wonderful to have a God bigger than this cancer and amazing friends to walk along side as He carries us through this.
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
Thursday, November 11, 2010
You can either laugh or cry
I chose to laugh until about 7:00 tonight, let it just wasn't funny any more.
Craig is doing about a billion times better this time. He is eating, he is around house, he is talking without feeling like he is going to throw up. He can keep his eyes open without throwing up.We took a walk in the neighborhood this afternoon since it was so nice out. all great things.
What is wrong is the darn (a different word was used this evening) plumbing in this house. The tub backed up into the toilets and than the toilets backed up into the other bathtub. Awesome. let me tell ya, awesome. grrrrrr
We are so thankful that Craig is doing so much better this time around. He was much stronger going into the treatment and they had a much better plan at the office during his treatments. He is looking forward to home health coming tomorrow afternoon so he can be "cordless"
And I am looking forward to the plumber coming! grrrrr
Craig is doing about a billion times better this time. He is eating, he is around house, he is talking without feeling like he is going to throw up. He can keep his eyes open without throwing up.We took a walk in the neighborhood this afternoon since it was so nice out. all great things.
What is wrong is the darn (a different word was used this evening) plumbing in this house. The tub backed up into the toilets and than the toilets backed up into the other bathtub. Awesome. let me tell ya, awesome. grrrrrr
We are so thankful that Craig is doing so much better this time around. He was much stronger going into the treatment and they had a much better plan at the office during his treatments. He is looking forward to home health coming tomorrow afternoon so he can be "cordless"
And I am looking forward to the plumber coming! grrrrr
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
so far so good
just tired but not sick...
ate a little dinner which is tons better than last time.
he is up watching TV and not sleeping
in the living room rather than in bed so sick
much better than last time so far....
keep praying for the side effects to be kept at bay.
ate a little dinner which is tons better than last time.
he is up watching TV and not sleeping
in the living room rather than in bed so sick
much better than last time so far....
keep praying for the side effects to be kept at bay.
second drip doing okay
he is a bit tired and groggy now but not sick so I think this is a good start. Please pray this continues and tomorrow he is not down and out like last time.
home health will be here in a few with the take home drip. someone asked me if that was on an IV pole like in the hospital. No, it is a little ball that is attached to the port and then the ball goes in his pocket. He can't shower with it but other than that it just goes along with him.
ever time I image an IV pole in the house I can visualize Morgan trying to dangle from the top. she wouldn't but she would think about it. :)
home health will be here in a few with the take home drip. someone asked me if that was on an IV pole like in the hospital. No, it is a little ball that is attached to the port and then the ball goes in his pocket. He can't shower with it but other than that it just goes along with him.
ever time I image an IV pole in the house I can visualize Morgan trying to dangle from the top. she wouldn't but she would think about it. :)
characters around here
Today's RN is in full nurse gear, not scrubs but the old fashion WHITE WHITE WHITE uniform dress, white panty hose, white shoes, and box hat. We walked in and thought did she miss Halloween? Well come to find out she is boycotting the new Norton nurse's uniform rules. Apparently they decided that they can only wear blue scrubs and she doesn't like it so she said that she was going back to the white uniform. interesting...
Each day before Halloween they had a different theme in the office. The day that they decided on a treatment plan (the day of the tornado) was "dress like an animal" day. So when the RN was explaining the side effects of each of Craig's chemo drug she was dress as a bunny. yep a bunny. she had the ears on and when she would nod her head in agreement they would nod back and forth on top of her head. She had painted her nose black and drew whiskers on her face. interesting...
The first chemo treatment was a couple days later and it was dress pink day. So the same RN that was a bunny 2 or 3 days prior now had pink knee socks pulled up to her knees.
everyone is ridiculously smart here and they are extremely good at what they do but you just never know what they might be wearing. it really doesn't matter what they are wearing but I thought it was funny.
always interesting at the oncologist office...
I am just babbling b/c I am bored and I can blog or work on 3rd Quarter post buy analysis. blah.
Each day before Halloween they had a different theme in the office. The day that they decided on a treatment plan (the day of the tornado) was "dress like an animal" day. So when the RN was explaining the side effects of each of Craig's chemo drug she was dress as a bunny. yep a bunny. she had the ears on and when she would nod her head in agreement they would nod back and forth on top of her head. She had painted her nose black and drew whiskers on her face. interesting...
The first chemo treatment was a couple days later and it was dress pink day. So the same RN that was a bunny 2 or 3 days prior now had pink knee socks pulled up to her knees.
everyone is ridiculously smart here and they are extremely good at what they do but you just never know what they might be wearing. it really doesn't matter what they are wearing but I thought it was funny.
always interesting at the oncologist office...
I am just babbling b/c I am bored and I can blog or work on 3rd Quarter post buy analysis. blah.
treatment day
We are down here at Norton Oncology. They took blood and we are waiting for those results to come back. I think they are just doing a white blood cell count to make sure he can take the chemo. We were hoping to see about the billirubin count b/c one theory says that if that goes down then the tumor might have shrunk causing the liver to drain properly and the billirubin to go down. But that is just a theory and apparently not an important one today.
People have been asking when they will do a test to see if the chemo is doing its job. The answer is: I'm not sure. We are assuming mid-way through the 6 months of treatment they will do a CT-scan to see if the tumor has shrunk but that is a question we need to ask Dr. Hamm.
We thought we were going to see Dr. Hamm today but he isn't in the office so a lot of our questions are on hold.
The immediate concern that we have today is how to get the nausea and other side effects under control since last time went horribly.
They seem to have put a plan in place to combat those issues. He has more nausea medicine before the second chemo so hopefully he won't get sick here. They increased the dosage of one nausea and replaced another with one that doesn't cause drowsiness. We shall see...it can't be as bad as last time, right? He is in better shape going into this chemo treatment than the last. He was still recovering from the stet surgery and still taking pain medicine etc. last time.
His blood counts came back and he is fine in all areas and can receive the chemo today.
We are still working on a schedule for the next time. If we went exactly two weeks it would be the day before Thanksgiving. Um, Happy Thanksgiving, here's a barf bag. So I think they are going to let him wait until the Monday or Tuesday of the following week. This of course will effect Christmas too. If they let us move it to Mondays then it would land on Emily's 5th birthday. That just made me want to cry. We were thinking of telling her that Sunday 12/12 was her birthday since she doesn't own a calendar but if they move it to Tuesdays then we would dodge Thanksgiving, Christmas and Emily's birthday. We shall see. Cancer seems to be a scheduling nightmare. We have too many good things going on to fit in cancer, apparently cancer doesn't care. 5th Birthdays are important. I asked her if she wanted to go to Chicago for her birthday and she asked if she could take her friends in her class. Scratch that idea.
They are starting the first bag of chemo. This one he breezed through last time.
Dear Lord,
Please let this chemo work your miracle and erase cancer from our lives.
I'll try to update again after lunch etc.
Pray for effective chemo with minimal side effects.
thanks for sticking with us. :)
People have been asking when they will do a test to see if the chemo is doing its job. The answer is: I'm not sure. We are assuming mid-way through the 6 months of treatment they will do a CT-scan to see if the tumor has shrunk but that is a question we need to ask Dr. Hamm.
We thought we were going to see Dr. Hamm today but he isn't in the office so a lot of our questions are on hold.
The immediate concern that we have today is how to get the nausea and other side effects under control since last time went horribly.
They seem to have put a plan in place to combat those issues. He has more nausea medicine before the second chemo so hopefully he won't get sick here. They increased the dosage of one nausea and replaced another with one that doesn't cause drowsiness. We shall see...it can't be as bad as last time, right? He is in better shape going into this chemo treatment than the last. He was still recovering from the stet surgery and still taking pain medicine etc. last time.
His blood counts came back and he is fine in all areas and can receive the chemo today.
We are still working on a schedule for the next time. If we went exactly two weeks it would be the day before Thanksgiving. Um, Happy Thanksgiving, here's a barf bag. So I think they are going to let him wait until the Monday or Tuesday of the following week. This of course will effect Christmas too. If they let us move it to Mondays then it would land on Emily's 5th birthday. That just made me want to cry. We were thinking of telling her that Sunday 12/12 was her birthday since she doesn't own a calendar but if they move it to Tuesdays then we would dodge Thanksgiving, Christmas and Emily's birthday. We shall see. Cancer seems to be a scheduling nightmare. We have too many good things going on to fit in cancer, apparently cancer doesn't care. 5th Birthdays are important. I asked her if she wanted to go to Chicago for her birthday and she asked if she could take her friends in her class. Scratch that idea.
They are starting the first bag of chemo. This one he breezed through last time.
Dear Lord,
Please let this chemo work your miracle and erase cancer from our lives.
I'll try to update again after lunch etc.
Pray for effective chemo with minimal side effects.
thanks for sticking with us. :)
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
what a pain
Craig is in some pain today. It started last night after dinner and got worse as the night went on. He took his pain medicine but woke up a couple times throughout the night. Who knows what it is. It could be a lingering sign effect from the chemo, it could be too much food sitting on a cancerous tumor or a placed stet. I guess we will find out more tomorrow when we go to the oncologist for the second round of chemo. It sucks that his last "good" day this week is a rough one.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Good Weekend
It has been a good weekend. It's been day and night when compared to the days after the treatment. I drove a car for the first time in a month since I drove myself to the hospital back on Oct 4th. I've been off all meds the last few days which has allowed me to drive. I've probably felt better the last few days since this all started to go down. Things will change Wednesday but I take a lot of comfort knowing I've got good days ahead of me. I still have discomfort in my upper abdomen that stays pretty steady. It can be hard sleeping at times as I can really only sleep on my back and be comfortable without the pain. I still get tired if I do a whole lot. I was able to finish my coaching duties for Morgan's last soccer game on Saturday morning. Coaching is basically running around the field and keeping the 3 year olds running in the right direction. I loved being the coach and was only able to "coach" in a few games. Michelle and I got to have date night on Saturday evening which consisted of church and a dinner at PF Changs with the Breit's. Today I got to hang out with friends and watch the Bears win another game. I am happy right now and 100% positive and am thoroughly enjoying these "feel good" days. I hope I'm not getting ahead of myself right now but my attitude has a hardly a doubt I can beat this. I expect to beat this. I am relieved to know I have time to build myself up for these treatments. I feel like my body is building itself back up as this was a major concern of mine. I don't have a whole lot scheduled for the next 2 days. I will try to eat as much as possible to get some meat back on me before I have to starve for a few days. I got a book at church Saturday that I can read and get myself mentally ready for the treatment as well. It's titled 5 Minutes in the Bible for Men. My reading attention span isn't always the best and this book will allow me to take some rich application that I can apply to my situation now. I do a lot of praying after the treatment and a lot of of it has to do with keeping things down. Sorry for the honesty. I realize these horrible drugs are going to hopefully save my life so I do my best to keep things in perspective. Again, thanks for all the thoughts and prayers out there, we're taking them.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Friday - stay home day
Most mornings Emily wakes up and ask what kind of day is it? School day? Shellshouse day? church day? or Stay at home day? I have Friday off of work (could I have a better gig?) So I stay at home play with the girls, catch up on housework (or call the cleaning lady :)) etc etc. So today is a "stay at home day" and Craig is of course here so they are playing wii (he got it to work after all). Not much going on with him, he seems normal which is comforting and stressful at the same time. Wednesday night I think it was he was good-to-go and I got so stressed out I couldn't feel my neck. It was like okay, we got through the first treatment but we are far from done. It is like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am trying to enjoy "the normal" but at the same time I am anxious about next Wednesday and starting all over again and again and again. And after all that what if this doesn't work. There are no guarantees with cancer.
I keep going back to one of my favorite scripture. "Be anxious about nothing, everything prayer and petition." It is on repeat mode in my head 24/7. Still tough to do. I think I should tattoo that on the back of my hand. Actually most Type-As should have it tattooed somewhere.
Yesterday was a busy day, dropped off at Shellshouse, worked a couple hours, dentist appointment and then some elders from Southeast came to visit us in the afternoon. After that we picked up the girls and went down to Gilda's club for the first time.
One of the men from SECC said the scripture that has been on my mind since about Sunday. It was just mentioned in the sermon. But is stuck with me, actually one word stuck. CONFIDENTLY
"Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need" Hebrews 4:16
Confidently? CONFIDENTLY?!! Is He serious? How do I go confidently to to throne with your prayers? How could I go to Him with this when we are hanging on Him by a string. He can direct the path and with a blink of an eye it can go the other way. The first week in the hospital I about went horse pleading with God to let me keep Craig. I was begging a parent to be able to keep a dog that I found on the street. I fell asleep most nights saying "PLEEEEEEASE let me keep him." The more I said PLLEEASE the more my throat was strained. I fell asleep most night begging Him to just let ME keep him, PLLLLEEEASSSEE!
I heard this scripture last weekend and was completely baffled. Confidently? How can I go confidently to Him when SOOOOO much is at stake? He is the one that decided whether I will get to continue to be a wife and my kids with have their dad. I thought what do you want Lord, a PowerPoint presentation on the reasons why I need him more than one do? You want a top ten list bullet pointed? You want me in my new business suit (which I haven't worn since I was 5 weeks pregnant with Emily so it wouldn't fit anyway) and approach you confidently with my request? I keep going over the thought, I didn't get it.
Then I thought about my girls. I can't stand whining. I about lose my mind when they start on me. It is like nails on a chalk board. So one morning someone started (I think it was Morgan) and I always stop them before they get the full sentence out and I say stop whining and start again with the request. Then they have to say it without the annoying whining voice. Come confidently with your request.... I don't think God likes whining. Just like any parent you will take any request at any time no matter how it comes and He will listen. But just like any parent He wants me/us to have confidence that He will take care of the situation. I want my girls to know that I will take care of their needs. I make decisions for them that are best for them. It may not be what they want but it is the best decision b/c I am the mom and I know what it best for them (most of the time). Just as He knows what is best for our life (all the time). He is the best parent and He always know what is best whether we agree with Him or not. So I/you can go CONFIDENTLY to God with your request b/c you can trust that His way is the best way. Took me three/four days to figure that out (lil slow) but I know that He will do what is best for my family in this situation and every situation. So today and everyday I can go to confidently with this request.
Please let me keep him. I want him here with us. I trust you to make the best decision for our family.
But let me keep him.
Please pray that we have a good "normal" weekend as a family.
Happy Friday.
I keep going back to one of my favorite scripture. "Be anxious about nothing, everything prayer and petition." It is on repeat mode in my head 24/7. Still tough to do. I think I should tattoo that on the back of my hand. Actually most Type-As should have it tattooed somewhere.
Yesterday was a busy day, dropped off at Shellshouse, worked a couple hours, dentist appointment and then some elders from Southeast came to visit us in the afternoon. After that we picked up the girls and went down to Gilda's club for the first time.
One of the men from SECC said the scripture that has been on my mind since about Sunday. It was just mentioned in the sermon. But is stuck with me, actually one word stuck. CONFIDENTLY
"Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need" Hebrews 4:16
Confidently? CONFIDENTLY?!! Is He serious? How do I go confidently to to throne with your prayers? How could I go to Him with this when we are hanging on Him by a string. He can direct the path and with a blink of an eye it can go the other way. The first week in the hospital I about went horse pleading with God to let me keep Craig. I was begging a parent to be able to keep a dog that I found on the street. I fell asleep most nights saying "PLEEEEEEASE let me keep him." The more I said PLLEEASE the more my throat was strained. I fell asleep most night begging Him to just let ME keep him, PLLLLEEEASSSEE!
I heard this scripture last weekend and was completely baffled. Confidently? How can I go confidently to Him when SOOOOO much is at stake? He is the one that decided whether I will get to continue to be a wife and my kids with have their dad. I thought what do you want Lord, a PowerPoint presentation on the reasons why I need him more than one do? You want a top ten list bullet pointed? You want me in my new business suit (which I haven't worn since I was 5 weeks pregnant with Emily so it wouldn't fit anyway) and approach you confidently with my request? I keep going over the thought, I didn't get it.
Then I thought about my girls. I can't stand whining. I about lose my mind when they start on me. It is like nails on a chalk board. So one morning someone started (I think it was Morgan) and I always stop them before they get the full sentence out and I say stop whining and start again with the request. Then they have to say it without the annoying whining voice. Come confidently with your request.... I don't think God likes whining. Just like any parent you will take any request at any time no matter how it comes and He will listen. But just like any parent He wants me/us to have confidence that He will take care of the situation. I want my girls to know that I will take care of their needs. I make decisions for them that are best for them. It may not be what they want but it is the best decision b/c I am the mom and I know what it best for them (most of the time). Just as He knows what is best for our life (all the time). He is the best parent and He always know what is best whether we agree with Him or not. So I/you can go CONFIDENTLY to God with your request b/c you can trust that His way is the best way. Took me three/four days to figure that out (lil slow) but I know that He will do what is best for my family in this situation and every situation. So today and everyday I can go to confidently with this request.
Please let me keep him. I want him here with us. I trust you to make the best decision for our family.
But let me keep him.
Please pray that we have a good "normal" weekend as a family.
Happy Friday.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
New Week
Sorry, you get Craig tonight. I'm happy to say I turned a leaf today and actually feel like posting on here. I got to act like a normal person today. It started with missing the alarm this morning a little, or too many deservedly snoozes this morning by our normal blogger. We both saw 7:55 am and I jumped up (rolled off the bed) and said I can get the kids ready while you get yourself ready. I only share this because this was a milestone for me not waking up feeling like absolute fill in the blank. I've been wanting to get to that point in a big way for a certain reason but I'll come back to how much my wife means to me near the end of this. We got the girls out of the house quickly and on time to school. I then got to rest and catch up on all of the political victories of the previous day. The highlight of the afternoon is Scott and his little buddy Hayden and I got to do what might wife calls a play date. We went to Qdoba for lunch and I crushed about a 1/3 of a naked burrito, which I was proud of; you get leftovers too for other meals. I've got my taste back up and running officially but its hard to eat a lot. After that we went back to Scott's house (after riding in the Odyssey) and hung out. I found the wii as my friend because it's perfect to keep me moving and not sitting idle but it doesn't take as many brain cells to function appropriately. I went 0-5 in table tennis and got crushed in bowling against Scott. My energy level has been one of my biggest fights. My wii at home isn't working (not powering on) so I've got to figure that out or I may be calling one of my high tech friends here soon to think for me because it's not easy. Anyhow, moving on, I went to Emily's dance class this early evening for the first time and got to see her smile and have a lot of fun, which never gets old. These were my highlights and it was a good positive day. There's still a rock in my abdomen which has no problem reminding me often throughout the day causing physical pain. This is why I got to say I got to act normal today even though I know I'm not normal. I struggle with envy and jealousy when I'm out and about watching people do what normal people do. I've been to Qdoba at least 1,000 times and I remember how it was just lunch during the workday, I really miss that. I go to dance class and see the main worry from most folks is what's for dinner. I did get to see our dear friend ViviAnne though and I pray to God the little 5 year old never has to see another chemo treatment again because it sucks. I wanted to focus on the positives for this post but its hard to leave out how difficult this past week has been. It's been by far the most trying thing I've done and it's knee buckling. I was kind of hoping and in someways expecting the treatment to knock me down a few notches but unfortunately it gave me a knock down blow. It unfortunately made me so sick I had to question myself as whether I can do this. The biggest thing that has me scared is that I feel like it's whittled me down to skin and bones. Being young and energetic to fight this is one thing but it's hard when your stamina has been thrown out the door. Right now I'm fighting getting back on my 2 feet so I can withstand the next fight a week from today. This treatment, which we/I chose was a more toxic one but I have to have faith (which I've got). The treatment is every 2 weeks and we hope to have a better gameplan in place as far as handling meds at home. It did end up that one of my main naustious meds was kind of inadvertently a lower dosage than what I should of been using. I am going to enjoy this week as much as I can to get my head and body ready for round 2 next Wednesday. The great news is my faith has not stumbled and I don't have to do this alone. "Footprints" comes to mind in explaining my journey; sometimes I just have to be carried and that's fine. I'm getting long winded now but I have a little catching up to do with you. Our family has received so much love and support that I can't explain how much it means. We hang by a thread some days and it's that love and support that keeps us above water. I know I can do this so I'm going to fight even though stats aren't in my favor, I have hope and faith in my favor. My 3 little girls CONSTANTLY remind of why I'm fighting this. They are so perfect in my eyes and they deserve their dad for a long time. Lastly, I debate in my mind every day who this cancer effects more, me or my wife? I lean heavily towards her. She's the one wearing 20 hats per day taking care of 3 little ones including a 4 month old, taking care of me, taking care of the house, taking care of her work, taking care of keeping everyone updated what is going on, etc. Let's see I forgot something, o yeah, she has to take care of herself. The worst case outcome of this cancer will wrestle with your soul more than anything in the world. So when you pray, please help carry her through this. She has been everything in the world to me for this treatment and more. She deserves God's grace more than anyone I know. The taking care of herself part is often the last thing she gives time if any time is left over. I thank God for her every day and have never been more certain about anything more.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
slowly but surely (11/2)
Craig is feeling pretty good. Still a little nausea at times and tired but he is able to do some things around the house. etc. Not much to report here. Tomorrow will be a week since chemo-day and they said a week on a week off. It is hard to tell if the side effects are still lagging are from the cancer itself, the chemo or the medicine that are suppose to help the nausea. Everything seems to have a side effect. He is to the point where it is hard to weigh the options of being a little nausea vs. a little loopy from the nausea meds. I still struggle with when to push and when to keep my mouth shut. When I say something I regret or push too hard then I tell him I am saying this for his own good. He always says he knows my intentions are good.
The girls went to school today and yesterday and Hannah stayed home with us. I am working a bit since I work from home. I love my job and it is great to do something that doesn't involve cancer. I hope that Craig gets to the point in his treatment that he will have time and energy for something else. I think it would be good for him to think about something else for a change. He started reading Lance Armstrong's book but he says it makes him more nausea to concentrate on one thing. It would be good to get back to that or another book that will help him get back up for the next treatment.
I signed up for cancerwise on the MD Anderson website. It is a cancer newsletter with a TON of information in it. I found this pod cast on it about pancreatic cancer. http://www3.mdanderson.org/streams/AudioPlayer.cfm?xml=communications%2Fconfig%2FCNL-Pancreatic-Cancer--mp3
If you haven't read the stats on this cancer it may shock you but if you listen until the end the doctor tells a story about a patient that wanted to refuse treatment b/c of the stats and the docs at MD Anderson talked him out of it. I am not sure what treatment plan he went on but the spots on the liver are gone and his CT scan is clear after 2 years! This of course not typical but still gives me a lot of hope!! He also mentions the chemo regime that Craig chose, Folfinox (sp?). Anyway, might be worth listening to, it is about 12 minutes long.
Can you believe it is November already? I went to say where did my October go? But it was eaten up by cancer. Stupid cancer, I really like October too.
Craig just got ice cream out of the freezer and it didn't hurt his fingers so that side effect has gone away. He was especially concerns about that one b/c so many nurses had said you will only make that mistake once. geez.
I also wanted to thank everyone for the cards. Looks like a Hallmark in the living room. We do pick them up quite often and read them again. I am always looking for inspiration scriptures.
Here is my favorite today: Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12
Joyful? hmmmm.... tough one but He wants us to be joyful and I think the more trust you put in Him the easier this it is to be joyful. We still have so much to be thankful for. There is still joy in our house. There is struggle but there is joy. We have three amazing little girls. If you tip Hannah over and squeeze her collar bone she giggles so much she can't catch her breath, so hilarous. Emily is doing art and crafts a lot these days and the stuff that she draws is actually recognizable. :)
There was another scripture I was going to post and now I can't find it. I am sure it is at the bottom of a diaper bag or something... more to come.
Hope everyone is having a good week.
The girls went to school today and yesterday and Hannah stayed home with us. I am working a bit since I work from home. I love my job and it is great to do something that doesn't involve cancer. I hope that Craig gets to the point in his treatment that he will have time and energy for something else. I think it would be good for him to think about something else for a change. He started reading Lance Armstrong's book but he says it makes him more nausea to concentrate on one thing. It would be good to get back to that or another book that will help him get back up for the next treatment.
I signed up for cancerwise on the MD Anderson website. It is a cancer newsletter with a TON of information in it. I found this pod cast on it about pancreatic cancer. http://www3.mdanderson.org/streams/AudioPlayer.cfm?xml=communications%2Fconfig%2FCNL-Pancreatic-Cancer--mp3
If you haven't read the stats on this cancer it may shock you but if you listen until the end the doctor tells a story about a patient that wanted to refuse treatment b/c of the stats and the docs at MD Anderson talked him out of it. I am not sure what treatment plan he went on but the spots on the liver are gone and his CT scan is clear after 2 years! This of course not typical but still gives me a lot of hope!! He also mentions the chemo regime that Craig chose, Folfinox (sp?). Anyway, might be worth listening to, it is about 12 minutes long.
Can you believe it is November already? I went to say where did my October go? But it was eaten up by cancer. Stupid cancer, I really like October too.
Craig just got ice cream out of the freezer and it didn't hurt his fingers so that side effect has gone away. He was especially concerns about that one b/c so many nurses had said you will only make that mistake once. geez.
I also wanted to thank everyone for the cards. Looks like a Hallmark in the living room. We do pick them up quite often and read them again. I am always looking for inspiration scriptures.
Here is my favorite today: Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12
Joyful? hmmmm.... tough one but He wants us to be joyful and I think the more trust you put in Him the easier this it is to be joyful. We still have so much to be thankful for. There is still joy in our house. There is struggle but there is joy. We have three amazing little girls. If you tip Hannah over and squeeze her collar bone she giggles so much she can't catch her breath, so hilarous. Emily is doing art and crafts a lot these days and the stuff that she draws is actually recognizable. :)
There was another scripture I was going to post and now I can't find it. I am sure it is at the bottom of a diaper bag or something... more to come.
Hope everyone is having a good week.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Halloween
He walked to a couple houses trick or treating with me and the girls then headed back home. The girls had a blast. Emmy had an Ariel wig and we put some make-up on and she was just so pleased. Morgan went around stinging people in the house, funny funny. Could they be any different in personalities?!
Pictures when we get the software on the laptop.
He is a little frustrated that he is not getting his energy back quicker and is worried about how much weight he has lost. All in good time and with patience.
Emily, Morgan and I read the kemoshark book and it was good but not as good as the other one. It was a little over their heads with what the kemoshark was doing. It went into cancer cells and good cells etc. It was also made to explain breast cancer so the patient was a mom. Some of the side effects weren't the same so it was just okay. After we read that we looked through our kid bibles for stories of Jesus healing people. I wasn't going to let kemoshark take the credit for this healing!! They had a few more questions but nothing out of the ordinary. Morgan wanted to read the kemoshark again but it was mainly for the shark part of it not for the learning about chemo.
Hopefully this week is uneventful and he continues in the right directions.
more to come...
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