There are no words

I haven't been updating the blog this week for a reason.
There are no words to match what is going on in this house. Nothing has changed as far as the treatment plan, Craig is feeling okay and is back to work, there is nothing new with the girls, our faith has not shifted but we are in a very silent spot right now.

I don't have speicfic prayer request to give you b/c we are just at a point where there are no words.
God knows our hearts and our needs. He needs no words to know our prayers and that is where we are. There are no words at this time to make this easier, to make this better, to make sense of this situation.
Maybe I have become numb. I am not sure but there are really no words at this point to post on this blog. I have started blog post and they just don't decribe where we are right now.
I feel like I ran a marthon but there isn't a finish line.

updated status

better.
Hannah is sleeping better.
Morgan is okay with extra cuddles and lovin'
Emily is fine.
I am "okay"
Craig was moving slow but went into work today. Yesterday he was still too tired to go in.

So we are turning a corner.
More to come.

I am writing this to myself mainly. THANKFUL THURSDAY to come. I think it is really important to be held accountable for that upcoming post. Call me out if you don't see it Friday morning.

Not going well here

I have no silver lining today so this is just a status update.
In order of youngest to oldest:
Hannah: teething and not sleeping more than an hour at a time through the night
Morgan: anxious about her dad being so sick
Emily: glad to be at school
Mom: tired and tired and tired
Dad: sick yesterday with every nausea potion used with no relief until 11:30ish, tired and sleeping today.

That is the simple state of the union.

Martina McBride - I'm Gonna Love You Through It

Martina McBride - I'm Gonna Love You Through It: Eleven

I can't watch this without crying. It is so touching. The lovely lady in pink is one of my radio reps in Nashville.
Note: Don't watch this at work. Seriously, trust me.

Tomorrow is chemo day. We are hoping Craig has a better time with the nausea this time around and not have to take the AMEND (extra nausea med that was needed last time). It works but also causes a "hang-over" type effect that lags the recovery time. So prayers for a better and less "eventful" recovery and an effective treatment tomorrow.

Thanks for the support and prayers. The conversations that this situation brings up are heart-breaking and unbearable especially for a couple in their 30s. I think by the time you are 80 you are wiser and more at peace with life and death in general. I guess I could be wrong but sometimes I have to just walk away from conversations b/c they are too much to bear. little and big.

The little things like the fuse box. We were taking down a broken fan in the girls room and I don't know how to use the fuse box and Craig asked if I wanted "fuse box 101" the other day. You know... just in case... I don't want to learn about the *%&^  fuse box! followed by a tearful temper-tantum.
Ugh.

Opening Weekend and Life Lost

I guess this was the opening weekend act II.  Thursday morning I made the dreaded walk into the room that I affectionately refer to as the room where I get the snot kicked out of me.  I wasn't sure what to expect and I was a little eager to find out what the next 1/2 year was going to be like.  My goal was and is take the treatment on Thursday morning, suffer a few days and then recover over the weekend.  I knew that just getting 3 of the 4 drugs I used to get was more manageable and I recovered more quickly when I did this concoction for the last 2 of my treatments back in April.  Of course that concoction was at about 75% the normal dose and this time I was doing the full 100% dose.  The first half of Thursday was manageable and I was a little encouraged walking out of the office that I could do it.  I remembered the day it all began back last October and I remember it physically taking me to my knees.  I didn't want that again.  Thursday evening was very rough.  Let's say I could have bought some stock in porcelain.  On Friday, we upped some of the meds from the doctor which made me extremely uncomfortable and groggy but I kept from getting sick.  The other reason I probably kept from getting sick is because I was not able to eat Thursday after the treatment or on Friday.  Saturday was continued grogginess and I probably made it out of bed about a total of an hour.  This morning I started the day trying to hydrate myself as much as possible and it helped me get the day started.  I made it to church with the family which is obviously about important as anything I can do these days.  We had lunch together and then Hannah and I got our 2 hour naps in.  I think hers was more like 2.5 hours.  I've been up since the nap and got to spend some time outside enjoying the great weather.  It's now Sunday evening and I think I'm ready for some work tomorrow.  I still don't know what to expect tomorrow so my goal is to do the best I can.  I think this might work.  I still had my very dark time on Thursday and Friday when I have to convince myself getting the snot kicked out me is good for me when my diagnosis is so poor.  I want time with my family though.  We'll keep pushing forward and thanks for the millionth time for all the prayers and support; it reaches us and we feel it!

Nestled in this week before treatment and Emily's first day of school, our family lost a special person.  Marie Elaine Merimee Corum, a cousin of mine, passed this week at the age of 53.  She battled breast cancer off and on for 17 years and she eventually was forced to give in.  I am truly inspired and really in awe that someone can stay positive and fight this terrible disease for that long.  I honestly don't know how she did it but I'm sure she'd say her family was the reason.  To the Corum family and her close Merimee family, I'm very sorry for our loss.  I was saddened we were not able to make it to any of the arrangements.  I was partially optimistic I was going to show up at the funeral home on Friday evening with my chemo ball attached to me but it was not possible.  Elaine was a very good person and she will not be forgotten.  I believe she is now cancer free and full of energy and I'm very happy for her in that sense.  Our family was definitely better for having such a strong fighter in it.

God bless and hug your loved ones the next chance you get!

At Peace... so spoiled... and a drop off at Kindergarden

There is never 10 minutes that goes by throughout the day that I don't think of the what if's and the details of getting everyone where they need to be and working this stupid cancer into the mix. stupid cancer, we are far too busy for this!!! Sometimes I think is this really happening? really? I work really hard to stay in His word. I have plugged myself into uplifting Christian music for 75% of the day. I am a HUGE believer in what you put in is what comes out. The theory of "you are what you eat" goes beyond the drive-thru. If I read negative articles on-line then that is what is going to be in your head. If I "eat" medical stats that is what I become, depressing and just full of information. If I "eat" the Word that is what I am. I am full of His Power and His strength. This does not mean that I am in denial. I know that there is a 98% chance that I will be a widow in the next 4+ years. But I also know that God is bigger than that stat. I know that Craig is in a win/win. He either gets to be apart of this family or live in eternity forever. He actually gets both regardless it is just a matter of how long he gets one before he gets the other.

We are so spoiled. So spoiled. One day last week my head was spinning and I was searching the internet for pancreatic cancer survivor story. It is like finding a needle in a hay stack. The phone rang and it was Corky from SECC checking up on us. Generally Corky calls about twice a month to see what he can update the prayer request at church with. He called right when the internet search was going south. It wasn't a long conversation and generally it is quick update and I thank him for checking in and making sure we are on the list for prayers and we hang up. The day that he called he stopped and said I want to pray with you today. We prayed together and we hung up the phone. It was a quick and nothing specific. That prayer made a U-turn on my search. God is our only hope in this situation and every situation. We cling to Him. So I exited out of my internet search and moved on with day and began my search for Him and found Him much quicker than PC survivors on the internet. We are so spoiled to live a city with the kind of support that we have. We are so spoiled to have phone calls that turn a hopeless search into a prayer that turns into hope. We are so spoiled to have a God that takes care of all our needs. So spoiled!!!!

We have been blessed with an incredible summer and we are committed to keeping our house as "normal" as possible. Craig has BIG hopes to be down just two days and back at it by the weekend. Tomorrow is chemo day. Please pray that this chemo keeps the cancer at bay or even better gets rid of it and that the side effects are minimal. We love our life and we want to get back to it ASAP.

I dropped Emily off at her first day of Kindergarten this morning. Wow! Overwhelming in every way. First the freakin' paperwork - geez!! and then walking that little person into the BIG building so she could start her school journey. Her little hand felt as small as it did the first day I met her in a OR at Norton Suburban in December 2005 and that school building seemed so big. WOW. Overwhelming. So joyful for her b/c the sky is the limit and she is just getting started!
Got in the car and "God is so Good" was playing. He is so Good.
Pictures to come.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqXZD_z3eCc&feature=BFa&list=MLGxdCwVVULXeu-uq0ettPZMUpz3EUnyYv&index=12
this is the song that I hit repeat on this week.
We shall overcome... one day at a time.

Prayers.

Best 4 months

I've said it before but during the dog days of December and January when I was getting the snot kicked out of me, I prayed hard and desperately asked for an end to the treatment and some sort of return to normalcy so I could enjoy me my family and enjoy all the fun things that come with summer.  My last treatment was April 12.  The last 4 months have been an absolute blessing.  I should be extremely saddened I've got to go back on treatments but the best the best word to describe my attitude right now is grateful.  I haven't taken a day for granted this summer.  I knew and was mentally prepared this day of pending treaments would come.  In all honesty, I'm fortunate the news waited until after I got everything crossed off my list for the summer.  We had a very fun filled summer including the beach and Holiday World and birthday parties and a trip to Indianapolis and the pool and just tons of fun.  I'm mentally in a good rejuvenated place.  I'm in shape and ready for the next round.  I'd rather not have to do it but I know I do and I'm ready to stand my ground and not let this defeat me. 
OK, I do have some concerns but I'm feeling positive this hour so I'm going to try and run with that the rest of this evening before the mood changes.
Pray big for me and the fam this week please.  I'm really hoping I'm able to live while doing treatments rather than just surviving.  I really hope my awesome wife and beautiful kids can live "life" as well and me be a part of it.

Perfect Summer Read: Heaven is for Real

Last week in Hilton Head I started and finished a great easy read. I had to pass this along.
Craig read it since we have been back and passed it along to a good friend already.



This book is adorable and comforting. I am not much of a speed reader but this book took me only three days to get through with a very busy schedule on vacation. I would recommend this book to ANYONE. ANYONE that plans to die ever should read this but there is not a morbid page in the book. It is told from the perspective of a 4-year-old which means anyone can understand it but highlights the toughest scriptures to study (Revelations) so that even the most educated biblical scholar can get something out of it. I can't say enough about this book. It is really really good.


great read. get it. don't delay. read it. trust me.

as expected

The scan showed slightly growth in the pancreatic tumor and the liver tumors as well as a new tumor in the liver. That means 4-6 months of treatment starting next Thursday the 11th. They will use 3 of the 4 drugs in the folferinox treatment. Oxyplatin (sp?) will be dropped b/c of the nueropathy. Foliferi is what it is called without the oxyplatin. It will be more tolerable and Craig hopes to be able to continue to work through this round of treatment rather than take off any time other than receiving the chemo every other week.
The tumor marker was slightly up to 54 which is just another variable showing cancer growth.

We are disappointed but not surprised. The fact of the matter that this was not a 6 month nightmare but will continue to be an ongoing nightmare is just down right devastating right now.
It is what it is and we are back to one day at a time.

That is all that I am going update with right now. It is just beyond words for this blog at this time.

Thanks for the prayers and support. more to come later in the week, maybe...