Very strange place right now

I have to say this is a very strange place right now. Not my house itself but there are a lot of things that are really normal right now. We are not centering our schedule around chemo. We are not deep in research. There is not a cancer schedule on the frig of CT scans, chemo dates, nuelasta shots. The girls aren't wanting to read books about cancer every other night. It is oddly normal. But there is still a sense that it is lingering that we can't shake. Not the cancer itself but this oddity that we will never have the luxury of just being left alone by this beast. There will be a day that it will rear its ugly head and have to be dealt with in the same fierceness as this past 6 months. We really haven't decided what the next steps are. Dr. Hirandi was going to call Dr. Berlin at Vandy and put their heads together. We talked with him Thursday of last week and voiced our concerns about starting any treatment with Gemcidibine since that might bump us out of a clinical trial with Gemcidibine in the mix. So he wanted to touch base with the smarties down at Vandy. He is going to call us Monday or Tuesday. We do have a CT scan on the schedule for June 4th for now but who knows if that will stay there b/c that is the next step in the wait and see plan.

Anyway. This is an odd place to be in. Should our goal be to be as normal as possible? Does that include Craig going back to work? I don't know the answers here. We can't live like the other shoe is going to drop at any moment but then how do we live? You can't ignore it. This cancer will have to be dealt with again. One doc said as soon as 4 weeks, one said up to 6 months. One says keep doing chemo so it stays at bay. The other says stop chemo and build strength so you can knock it out again. So what do you do with that? I would love to say pray that it just goes away but I am not sure that is realistic. I am not saying don't pray that way but if it does come back does that mean He didn't hear us? No. His Will be done, regardless if He chooses to answer in away that we wish.

I can say that each prayer along the way as been answered in some form or fashion. For example the first week my mom prayed for someone positive to walk into the situation. Answer: Kim, the recovery room nurse after the port procedure. Fast forward 5 months: mom prayed that something good would happen, something fun would happen to us that day. Within 12 hours Carla posted on my Facebook wall: "Do you want to go to the Final four in Houston?" rewind 15 years: I had come home from UK for the weekend and mom was asking me if I liked it there. I answered yes but I am a little lonely. I think I want a new boyfriend but not until January but I think I am ready to date someone seriously. Within a month I had met Craig.
Morale of the story: be careful what you ask my mom to pray for. It is like rubbing a genie in a lamp! :)
All jokes aside, our prayers have been answered over the passed six months. But now what? Yes of course continue to pray for our miracle. I do believe in miracles but more importantly I believe that God has a plan for our lives. I hope it is a plan with continued healing but how close to "normal" does that plan get?

There are days that I am empowered knowing that each thing that happens to this family goes through His hands first before it touches us. I am empowered knowing that God has a purpose and the purpose for this may not be known now, it may never be clear ever but it is empowered to know that He has a plan.

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Several weeks ago there was a sermon at SECC that was about the meal where the woman who lived a "sinful life" poured her perfume on the feet of Jesus and washed His feet with her hair. Kyle preached on Luke 7. What an amazing story. As he wrapped up the sermon he threw out the question are you more like the women with the sinful life or are the pharisee that just goes through the motions of religion b/c that is the way that you were brought up? Are you just checking things off your list of obligation or are living a life for God like the "sinful women" was? Are you someone who knows about Jesus or are you someone that knows Jesus? I walked away that night feeling blessed. Because of cancer in my house I don't have the luxury to just go through the motions of religion. I talk to Him more than anyone on this planet. It is not just a weekly check in so see what's up, or a simple prayer at the dinner table or a Sunday visit to the closest church. It is a conversation.  Some days it is please get Craig through this chemo treatment with minimal side effects. Some days it is what I am I going to do in the future? Some days it is what do you want me to NOW!? Some days it is thanks for all you have done. Somethings I won't even type or speak about. But He knows there are some days...

There are cancer survivors and caregivers out there that write letters that start out "Thank you cancer for..." They write about how they have a new lease on life and they see how people care and love them. And I see that but let it be crystal clear, I will NEVER NEVER NEVER write such a letter. Thank you for nothing cancer. Get out of my house, you were never welcomed here!

BUT I have no choice but to be the woman in the story with the "sinful life". I have a vulnerable life that is hanging on by prayers. I don't have the choice to be Simon in the story. What a blessing! Never thank you cancer but thank you adversity that makes me cling to my Savior and have the kind of relationship that brings love, hope and healing into my house! I feel empowered knowing we are living His plan. Although it is not an easy plan to live it is His plan and somewhere in this mess He is planning prosperity for us. I definitely do not get it. The week of the last ERCP I was pretty ticked off at His plan. We walked in thinking that one was going to be different. Craig was feeling good and he was going to bounce back. No such luck. After three hours in the recovery room, nausea on the way home, vomiting at home, fatigue, down for the count again and a call from school, 2 out 3 kids with fevers, I HATED His plan. I was not empowered I was ticked and saddened. This was not what I had planned!! Raising three girls and staying married to my polar opposite was enough adversity for one to stay close to God. This cancer stuff is not what I needed.

In faith we seek Him and we learn to prosper in the plan that He hands us. I am not sure when the prospering starts but I do know that I have new courage to be there when people hear tough things like, "cancer" and "6 month" to live. It doesn't scare me to reach out. I have an experience and I am not afraid to share and be out there (well maybe a little some people don't like to hear about God for some reason). I am sure that is part of His plan in the future. Unfortunately it seems that this disease touches more and more people. I can be there. I get it. I don't get what it feels like to embody the disease but I know what it is like to have in your life, take over your life. So there has to be more to this than just getting through. We shall see where this leads...

So this month we have been challenged to read through Proverbs. One chapter a day for 31 days.
There was a quote in today's sermon that perfectly described where we are.
"We are drowning in information but starving for wisdom and knowledge"
So Proverbs is fatherly advice for all us. Each day a new chapter and at the end will be know what to do next, hopefully somewhere in the middle or maybe even Monday or Tuesday of next week we will know the next steps in treatment but this journey is more than just a chemo plan. So through this exercise of a chapter a day, will we find wisdom? We know the docs have plenty of information but we knew that God was going to have to tell the next step. So maybe this is a good place to find it.

Proverbs 1:7 The fear o the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

Okay so that was WAAAAAY longer than I had ever anticipated. Sorry. I was actually going to blog about our awesome weekend. oh well.

Upcoming post:
Walk in Indy on June 25th - we are getting a team to go, ROAD TRIP baby!!!!
Mini-marathon - guess blogger and pictures to come. So proud of our runners!
Art therapy - some pictures the girls have done in art therapy - I have to ask them first. hang tight on this one.