We have had an action packed weekend. It has been a lot of fun. I have done my best not to be anxious about the upcoming scan. I continue to tell myself to not let "tomorrow" ruin today. Craig is feeling good now so be happy for that and the sun is out and summer has officially started.
I have had a hard time over the past couple weeks. The news of cancer being in my house for the long haul is daunting. Living scan to scan is not what I had planned for my family. I have had many conversations with God on why this plan, why not the plan of Craig and I staying together for 50 years and being an inspiration to those couple who find themselves so different than wonder how they will make it. Why can't we be the ones standing on the stage of a marriage series with 50 year of marriage under our belt? Why can't we be the ones looking out saying if we can make it you can too with God as the center of your household you to can make it 50 years. With a 50% divorce rate that plan seems to make more sense that this stupid cancer plan. I wonder those things and then I wonder is it truly possible that that is still his plan for us? Could we really beat the odds of this illness and still have that as our plan. The stats of this cancer pretty much say, no. 98% of those with stage 4 pancreatic cancer will not be healed on this earth, their only shot of a complete healing is to know Jesus and be healed in heaven.
I am struggling with jealousy of those who have what seems to be a normal life. I know that everyone has their own problems and it how we deal with what life hands but I am truly jealous of those who have struggles of anything but cancer. I was listen to a TV spot that Randy Pausch did for PanCan and one of the statements he said to his wife when she asked if he wished it was HepB was "honey, I would trade for anything. I would trade this disease in for AIDS." Yep, I have to say right now even though things seem really normal, I still wish we could trade this disease in for something a little easier to deal with. I am not sure what that would be and I know that I wouldn't trade it in for anything that would harm my children even with a different prognosis but sometimes when people talk about things they are struggling with I want to say "I'll trade ya." But really what it boils down to in any situation of adversity is not the severity of the problem or illness but just the fear of the unknown. The uncertainty of what the future holds is what hurts in any situation. I know that I can be there for people in those situations. I know that I have a story of how God has been there everyday. God is the one that relieves us of the days of uncertainty not because He lets us know what is ahead but He is there for whatever lies ahead.
In the past couple weeks I have been too bitter to feel that peace. I had told Him over and over that I like my plan better than His plan. But whose to say that they are not the same and this adversity will just strength my plan down the road. Whatever the plan might be we will persevere in strength. The farther along I get in life the more I realize what the scripture means: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
So I can have a great memorial day weekend and not sit and cry about a scan that could make us start all over through Christ who strengthens me.
So I have heard this song "blessings" a few times on WAY-FMand sometimes it makes me so stinkin' mad and some times it I just nod my head and think yep, I guess so.
I dug around YOUTUBE to find the link to post here and I found her story. I didn't know it until after I finished this post. I can see why her song speaks to my heart so much.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tDiTuSLSJB8&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nz9irePc-iI&feature=related
or this one is a little more polished.
Wow the similarities are crazy and her testimony is about what I have written here.
And here is the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ
Hope everyone is have a great weekend. I hope it is a blessing with sunshine and family. :)
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