Just a little update

Not much on the cancer-font. We are still in wait and see until we hear of a clinical trial that is promising or the CT scan on the 6th comes back with bad news, I guess whichever comes first. I guess that is the plan. It is not much of a plan but we are not panicked to do something just to be doing something so I guess that is God telling us to be calm, He's got this one.

Other things:
Emily graduation ceremony was last Friday. So cute. She did really well and the songs were adorable.
She won the "Biggest Heart" award which made us both so proud. I teared up when the teacher presented the award and Craig admitted he did too later that night. My kids are so darn wonderful. She is so excited to start at Kenwood Station in the fall. She thought that she was going to Kenwood on Monday since she graduated last week. I have to say that made a lot more sense than going back to the same school for a couple more weeks until the summer nanny starts but no dice. She knows that she will know no one but she is still so excited to go on to Kindergarten. And she is so ready. She is reading (really reading, sounding words out and putting sentences together) and she just loves the idea of school. That is awesome. Little clip from her graduation. This is how they taught them their right from their left. :)

Morgan is doing so much better. She is happy and crazy. She is excited for summer. While she loves her teachers and her friends at school she is more of a free spirit and will enjoy the whatever days of the summer. Her and I talked the other night on the couch about Eileen (art therapist) and if she wanted to go back to talk to her. She said that she missed her. I told her that she could talk to me and she kind of just shrugged it off and try to move on. And I asked her again why she didn't want to chat with me about it and she finally said, "I just didn't want you to worry about me." Awww how sweet is that?! Her heart is so big that she was worried about me worrying about her. I told her later that is was a mommy's job to know what was going on so she can talk to me so that I didn't worry about it. I think art therapy was overall a big help and when/if Craig has to go back treatment we will return sooner than later. I missed the happy Morgan and I am so glad she has returned!!


Hannah is as goofy as ever. Her new trick is to stand on rocking chair and act like she is surfing. It is called a mommy heart attack. She is quite a climber and is very active. She is understanding more and follows directions very well for an 11 month old. It is sad but she can't get comfortable when I rock her to sleep. She would rather just lay down and cuddle with her blanket or lambie rather than be rocked to sleep. This is really heart breaking knowing that she is the last baby and my days of rocking a baby to sleep are numbered. She is adorable and such a happy baby. She is getting into books as well. She digs in her basket for the ones she wants and brings it to you. So cute. Elmo and any book about animals seem to be the favorites so far. Babies, do not try this at home!

So Craig is good. Feeling good. He starts a program at the YMCA tomorrow that was created for cancer survivors after treatment. It is a strength gaining workout and I think he is pretty eager to start. Although I am not sure that it will be any better than lifting a 5-year old over your head or racing a crawling 11 month old around the house but whatever. I guess it will be guided by a professional rather than the demands of three little girls screaming "swing me next daddy!!"

So I am really just in the "okay" category. I would say the last two days I was less than okay but working on getting it together. Over derby week I was enjoying life. I was so excited that things were back to "normal". I had been asking God for normal again. I begged Him for normal and now we are strangely close to "normal". We have a lot of family time, we go to church, the girls go to school, I work a lot, Craig mows the grass, there is no chemo or scan talk all the time. There are doctors calling but it is not panicked and it is not in between chemo naps. So all is good, right? I road that out for a while then I thought I was just living in denial. I tried to tell myself I couldn't wait around for the other shoe to drop. That is no way to live but fear keeps creeping in and stats loom over me. Sunday and Monday I was just weepy. What is boils down to is it is easier to trade a crappy situation with sickness and treatments and bad news for another crappy situation (single mom). But it is tough to sit here in "normal" and think that I am going to have to trade this in. I am not in a pretty place right now. So how do you "live in the now" knowing that down the road is not going to be pleasant? The rough days of treatment and doctors negative opinions are easy to trade in. A life with a family of five making vacation plans and going to the zoo on Saturday afternoon, grilling out on the deck, watching junior kindergarten graduations with the person you chose to do that stuff for the rest of your life is tough to trade in for a life of doing it all by yourself.
So will I dig myself out of this hole? of course. Reality creeps in and it hits hard and in some ways this is the first time since October 4th we have time to breathe for a bit.
Even the good is tough.

So I don't want to end on a sour note so I will include some post-dinner entertainment. We are so blessed with so many nights of encore presentations but I have to say this song is by far my favorite. I give all the credit to those who work in the children's chapel at SECC. The girls learn so many wonderful things. Thanks for all that you do!! You might not think it is much but it is HUGE to hear such a wonderful message from the little ones. So this was a performance about a month ago. Craig is cleaning up the kitchen and I am finishing up feeding Hannah. On with the show....