Why did we decide on the clincal trial at Vandy?

I haven't updated the blog which much of anything lately except status updates b/c as the old saying goes "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I am tired of this situation in ways that is not politically correct to talk about it. The anniversary of diagnosis was just horrible. It wasn't just replaying the day in my head a million times it was the fact that I no longer have the luxury of our past being normal. Cancer is our past, present and future. On October 4th 2011 I longer can say "this time last year we were..." and fill in the blank with something normal... having a baby, etc. etc. But on October 5th 2011 we were looking for treatment options, in and out of doctor's offices, waiting for results, looking for answer, preparing for the next steps... etc etc. the same crap we are were doing a year ago. It is now not only our present but our past and our future. It is heartbreaking. I miss thinking "This time last year..." and filling in with a non-cancer related thing.

So I have kept quiet for a while now on the blog but I do want to tell you why Craig signed up for the clinical trial at Vanderbilt. This is my version of the story and it may have played out in Craig's mind much differently but for me here ya go.

We came home from the trip thinking the treatment wasn't worth the trouble of getting down to Nashville once a week. It doesn't have any more promise than anything here in Louisville. They flat out don't know if this will work. The theory has worked on other cancers but when you are talking about one of the most aggressive cancers that doesn't really mean it will work on this one. Most of us when making a decision will make a list of pros and cons on each side and weigh your options and come to some kind of logical conclusion which we did several times. We were staying home and doing the standard care. It made sense for Craig's career goals, it made sense for the logistics of the kids, it made the most sense for my sanity, the decision was made... except it wasn't. I think every parent can picture this scenario, you give your child two options and one options is the easiest and they of course right off the bat choose that one and then you ask again, not telling them what your preference is but letting them make the decision on there own...well kind of.
For example, "Emily, do you want cupcakes or carrots for dinner?" What is a 5 year old going to choose? cupcakes! so you ask again hoping they choose the one that is better for them "Emily, do you want cupcakes or carrots for dinner?" Cupcakes. "Emily, Do you want cupcakes or carrots?" As parents you ask and you ask until they make the right decision (if you have that kind of patience). You want them to think through the two choices but clearly you have the better option in mind so you keep asking. So eventually they choose carrots b/c really it isn't going to be really decided until they make the "right" decision.

In my mind that was the scenario that played out for the decision of standard treatment at home vs. clinical trial at Vandy. Oh the decision was made several times, we were staying home! But then the question kept coming up, and not in a doubting way, it made sense, we were staying home. But like a patient parent He kept asking and until Vandy called and the appointment was made without discussion of pros and cons or what we were going to do. The decision was made and the questions stopped being asked.

I am not sure why He wanted on this clinical trial. Is it the best form of treatment for Craig at this time and the next step in healing? Or did He want Craig is be a part of the research puzzle? Not sure. Either way we are honored that He kept asking and it is a part of the journey and obedience to follow Him. Craig is the youngest person in the trial at Vandy. So it could be at the end of the trial Dr. Berlin could say, "this is a break through treatment and here is our poster child and a clear scan" or he could say "this treatment doesn't work on PC, if it was going to work for anyone it would have been Craig." 
Either way we are walking through this journey His way and regardless where that leads, healing on earth or in heaven, it is fine.
I have always felt that this journey is part of something much bigger than us. He has a purpose for all this adversity. We will follow His way, no matter what His purpose is for this journey.

So Craig is at Vandy getting the second treatment with his "wing man", Jason. I have no idea how things are going but someone will update tonight or tomorrow. Going into the treatment he was on pain-killers and still had back and abdomen pain.

Prayers for no side effects and ease of the pain.
Please pray for me. I have been down a very selfish road these past couple days and was Bitter Betty. That road is not joyful, not tolerable and there is no way that I can fulfill His will for our family on that road. After a long conversation with a dear friend I am getting back on track. God put Gwen in my life and I am forever grateful. forever grateful. She hears the worst of the worst and is somehow is still willing to be my friend.