I haven't posted in a while b/c I really don't know what emotion to pick to talk about. Emotional roller coaster is a major understatement to say the least. After the appointment on Tuesday with Dr. Hirandi I was so exhausted I couldn't even form a sentence. It was a blessing to have someone explain everything in such detail. It was amazing. It was the first doctors appointment that I didn't come home googling or email my trifecta of doctor friends (Chris, Christy and Nick are my little email angels). At one point I stopped taking notes b/c he explained what I was going to google anyway. So that was huge.
But at the other end of that is the simple fact that a "success" with this disease is 2 years out. That just doesn't seem fair. And our lives will never be "normal" again. There will always be fear. The bible says do not be afraid about a million times but that is really hard to digest this state of our lives without having fear. Every time someone talks about a case of PC and how long that fought the good fight I do the math with my girls ages. In 3 years Emily will be 8, Morgan 7 and Hannah 3 etc etc How will we handle their emotions at that time. Hannah being older adds another person to worry about she will take certain news, treatment plans etc. But then again this is all "normal" to her which is just sad by itself.
I don't even remember what normal looks like any more. The past 5 months are such a blur. I was looking at my favorite picture of Emily and comparing it to pictures from this Christmas and somewhere in the last 5 months she turned 5. I know it was December 13th but somehow I missed the impact of my oldest turning from a 4 year old toddler to a 5 year old little girl. One night she came out of the bathroom after her bath fully dressed in PJ's, teeth brushed, hair brushed and so proud of herself. What the heck? She is old enough to get herself ready for bed? What?! When did this happen? relief of one less kid to dress but what the heck just happened in 5 years?
One early morning Hannah or Morgan (can't remember) got me up in the wee-hours of the morning and I was having a hard time getting back to sleep. I lay there trying to remember what it was like without cancer. I was racking my brain to think of a memory before October 4th. I can of course remember events but I wanted to remember what it felt not to think about cancer and it took me while to really get to a spot. I then remembered how I felt. HAPPY. I was so happy to have three girls and the business of a normal life. It was wonderful. And then I laid there and cried. I think my brain blocked that out for a reason. It is too hard to compare September 2010 to March of 2011. My energy should not be on looking back but to look forward in thanksgiving and hope. But for that moment I remembered how good we had it without this mess.
So on this Thankful Thursday I am thankful for a conversation with a doc that gets it. I am thankful that I didn't spend a lot of this week googling. I am thankful for supportive friends. I am thankful that Hannah has a new trick of shaking her head back and forth which is so cute. I am thankful for the sunshine this week. I am thankful for all the prayers and support for our family. And I am thankful for the resources that we have in this country and the many choices we do have.
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