From the caregivers eyes

Couple weeks back I was very annoyed when others asked how Craig was doing. It seemed people only wanted the good news. People only wanted to know what his tumor marker and scans were saying. It is wonderful that so many people are rooting us on and I thank you all for the prayers but this particular day the more people asked the more I was getting ticked off. "Craig is doing great, he is bouncing back, his tumor marker decreased again the last check and we have a scan on blah date" That was my story and I was sticking to it. But that was only a fragment of what was really going on. I wanted to say, ask how I am doing, I dare ya. I am freaking nuts! There is more to this then a tumor marker. There is a laundry list of things to be concerned about. How long will this progress in this direction? If it goes the other direction will it take a long time to get to the end of the rope? What will I do without him? What will I do with him in this condition? Will I marriage again? date?ugh Will I be able to handle all three girls on my own?  Or will he be on chemo for the rest of his life? Will I always be searching for answers? For years? Will I be making travel plans? Will we ever live a normal life again? Where will the girls stay if we do have to travel? If I find someone to take the risk and do the Whipple procedure who would take my girls for two weeks while he is in recovery? Will he recover? Will the girls be okay with us traveling without them? Will I have to travel more than once without them? How will we get homework done if we have to be out of town? Will I miss sporting events for them in the future if I am constantly chasing a chemo treatment? Will I miss dance and gymnastic meets? Will we even have the money for extra activities if we are running around he country looking for a suitable treatment plan? Will I know how pay the bills if I have to learn how do to this on my own? Will I still work? Will I work from my house? Will I be able to work and raise three girls on my own? Will I even have the choose not to work? Do I want the chose? All these questions are very self-centered, what about Craig? Doesn't he deserve more? Am I doing enough to make this better? Do I call a therapist for Morgan? Will Hannah be effected b/c I cry when I rock her to sleep? Will she wear black clothes and get a tongue ring when she is a teenager b/c her mom cried when rocking her to bed? Will family members give me grief is they don't agree to the medical decisions we make? Will I ever get to worry about just normal things again? Will we get to go on vacation this summer? Will Craig feel good enough to go to Holiday World this summer? Will ever get to look beyond a couple weeks? days? hours? Should I call a therapist for him? Should I be doing more for him? Should I just not fight with him at all any more? Shouldn't we be doing something different? Will we buy a new house with 4 bedrooms or just stay here? Do I wait and move if something happens to Craig so that I don't have to live in the same house with all the memories of cancer? Will I want to? there is much more to this list but you get the gist.


I was struggling. I wanted to scream, there is more to this than a tumor marker!!! Then I realized why I was so anxious besides not knowing what lies ahead, my security was being stripped away. Everyone strives for security. (some won't admit it but it is what everyone is looking for). We set ourselves up with nice little college degrees so we can get a nice little job. We look for that special someone, get a cat/dog, have some kids, put a white picket fence out front, and put an SUV/car/minivan in the attached garage and call it a day. I was letting this cancer shake what my security has always been in: the "perfect" life. We all strive to create but when push comes to shove it means nothing. My security can no longer lie in my "white picket fence" life but it has to lie in the thing that it should have been in all along: GOD. B/c when push comes to shove all the things that I have built my life to contain could be gone in an instant or could detearate over time b/c of a lose of a loved one but the one person that remains regardless is GOD.


I feel secure knowing that He will always be there even if all those questions have rotten answers.
Here is what I am struggling with now: How can my security lie with someone that could have prevented this from happening to my house? I know that the better question is who do you turn to in times of trouble not why we have times of trouble, but this is tough question. Here where I am so far with it, security is not preventing something harmful but knowing that someone will be there when it does. Security is not knowing that you will have a comfortable life but know that your life will be fulfilled with relationships that will get your though when life isn't so comfortable. I have security in God knowing that He is there and He sacfried His only Son so that my eternity would be very comfortable. To be honest most days that is enough but somedays it doesn't feel like enough. I yearn for my simply white picket fence life back. Somedays I wonder why He didn't prevent this from happening at all. Why couldn't have been something else. I don't know the answers to that but when push comes to shove His love is more than enough.