nightmare or reality

last night's blog post

We didn't hear what the official number is for Craig's tumor marker today so I assume they will email the blood test tomorrow morning.

This whole thing just feels like a complete nightmare of the past. It feels like October through April was just a bad dream, a bad memory of our past. It sometimes feels like okay now we can move on, we can get back to normal and for all intened purposes and I guess we have. Except for one thing, normal is not our reality. We are not in denial over the situation and you can not live like the other shoe is going to drop all the time but this is right either. It just seems like cancer is a distant memory of our past and it is very much a reality. It is not a reality with treatments being demanded right now but it is very much a reality. It doesn't feel like reality until it does.

Some days I wish people would understand that yes cancer is devastating but it is not debilitating in spirit. People can live with cancer for years and some even decades.

Some days I think of the kind things that people did for us when things were tough and Craig was going through treatment. I look around at my house and there are small little things that people sent as an encouraging word or a healing blanket that meant so much.

Most days it just feels like a nightmare in the past but it is very much reality and I honestly am not sure what that means.

This isn't much of a post and I am sorry for that. I plan to up the blog with summer pictures of the girls doing normal summer things at some point. We do have a lot to be thankful for. There is a lot of healing that has taken place but with every blood test and every scan there is fear that this false sense of normal will someday end. I hope that we will get to rest of the summer and then I hope that we will get the fall and then I am going to want the winter and Christmas to be treatment free and then spring and then next summer. The bitter reality is that I am never going to be ready to go back to that nightmare. We can be strong and positive and pray for continued healing but the simple fact of the matter is this is not normal. Living scan to scan, test to test is not normal.
I will post tumor marker when I get the email in the morning.