My big PINK soap box

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/video/patrick-swayzes-widow-lisa-niemi-swayze-fights-pancreatic-cancer-12118865

Disclaimer: this may be interpreted as one of those "politically incorrect" post. Might want to just skip it.

I have thought about this post for many weeks now, I have debated whether or not to even mention the subject but time and time again this subject gets under my skin. This is not to take away from anyone's cancer battle. My mom has two dear friends that battled cancer. One does victory laps in her beautiful pool in her backyard and one does victory laps in heaven. Every cancer fighter deserves medals for their bravery.

It seems just taboo to even mention this...

Here's the thing. There are pink ribbons ON EVERYTHING. I have a bag of Sun chips that is pink in the pantry, Energizer batteries, if it stands still long enough in a store someone is going to stick a pink ribbon on it. Susan G. Komen has mastered the way to market a disease. Susan died in the late 70s and her sister was in marketing and made it her pledge to help fund breast cancer so that they could find a cure. And man did she do it!! Don't get me wrong, thank goodness she did. They have found ways to treat breast cancer and more importantly they have promoted preventing it. BUT breast cancer isn't the only cancer that is out there. If pancreatic cancer received a 10th of the funding that breast cancer did they may have better answers for us.

This hasn't just been on my mind since Craig was diagnosed, it was just a smaller soap box at the time. I worked with a local hospital several years back on the marketing of their new heart health unit. Did you know that heart disease is the number one killer of women, not breast cancer? If you want to support women's health throw your money on educating women how they can keep their hearts healthy. That is much easier to solve than a disease that comes out of no where at times.

When Craig was first diagnosed I found a website that said that pancreatic cancer was so underfunded for several reasons. One of the main ones was the fact that it was so hard to prevent since the pancreas is hidden behind a couple organs. The symptoms are not alarming until they persist or jaundice surfaces and then it is normally in late stages. The other reason is there are not "spokespeople" out there to help move the research along. With the odds that go along with the disease there isn't much of a "team" to join. There are two walks in Louisville alone that support breast cancer. There isn't one to support any GI cancers with in 100 miles.

Last night I was reading an article on treatment that is being worked on in Cincinnati. A drug that was discovered in 2002. 2002! The researchers are hoping it gets to a phase I clinical trial by mid-next year. The funding to push these things through just isn't there.

Don't get me wrong, Save the Ta-tas, Fight Like a Girl, wear your pink and wear it proud. BUT don't do it at the sacrifice of the pancreas, the colon, the liver, hundreds of pediatric cancer, lung cancer, brain cancer etc etc. We may not have the cute slogans but we have family members suffering. And suffering with little medical hope.

I have posted a link from Good Morning America a couple weeks ago. Patrick Swayze died of pancreatic cancer after battling 22 months. His wife was interviewed by Robin Roberts who is a breast cancer survivor. The interview highlights my point much better than I am doing in this post. Pancreatic cancer is where breast cancer was 20 years ago and it needs help. It needs marketing, it needs walks, it needs funding, it needs corporation to get behind it like breast cancer!

One day in the oncologist office it was pink out day. I asked one of the nurse when purple out day was. She didn't even realize that was the color for Pancreatic cancer, as she was treating my husband for the disease! Most people don't even know the color for pancreatic cancer but they know about the pink.

Again I am not dogging breast cancer fighters we just need to spread the love so that other cancer can share in the success.

Signs and symptoms of pancreatic cancer:

• Upper abdominal pain that may radiate to your back
• Yellowing of your skin and the whites of your eyes (jaundice)
• Loss of appetite
• Weight loss
• Depression
• Blood clots

This just in: there is a facebook group called "there are other cancers besides breast cancer"
Well at least I am not the only one.

After I explained myself to the RN at the office she said "well it sounds like a good job for you."
Well I do look good in purple....

Faith sermon

http://www.southeastchristian.org/?page=3476&project=80354&program=311242

This is an amazing sermon from this past weekend. Kyle is beyond talented and a huge blessing to the SECC church family. The first night after they found the mass in Craig's pancreas he said either way this goes, it will be fine. This sermon is just that, having the strength to have the faith that either way it goes, it will be fine.

Thanks Kyle for writing a sermon that spoke directly to us, it was like we were the only ones in the sanctuary.

We are praying everyday that we are in group 1 and we know that God has the ability for us to be there. To be the unexplained: The CT scan that shouldn't be clear but is. We pray that we can be in THAT group. We will praise regardless but we NEED to be in group 1. For Emily, Morgan and Hannah we need to be in group 1.

Santa, Cheerleaders, Talking Mouse, God, Deck & Banana Berry

This is what I did this weekend. It was jampacked, I survived and had a good time. Friday night we made it to Light Up the Summit which has been an annual trip with friends for maybe the past 5 years now. We got a family picture taken with Santa Clause. The girls, all 3 of them, asked Santa for a Barbie SUV that they all can fit in and drive. I'm thinking Santa will pull through for the fam this year and deliver their request. I was too excited to see him myself and I forgot to ask him for a new pancreas. On Saturday, we made it to the UofL game and got to move down to the good seats where my cousins have tickets in the front row of the crunch zone. We made it as a family minus Hannah who hung with Mimi for the afternoon. The girls loved sitting right in front of the cheerleaders which was their main attraction. Emily spent most of the game doing her cheerleader which was standing on my legs and doing her Cards cheer (which wasn't easy because Michelle has already brainwashed her the other way) and then jumping in the air while I caught her. Emily and Morgan both got to get high fives from the Cardinal Bird which was pretty cool. UofL lost but I don't sweat the outcome as much as I used to; they need to beat Rutgers next week though. Saturday evening was Emily and me going to Chuckie Cheese to celebrate my niece Ashleigh's birthday. We were there for 2.5 hours eating and mostly playing games. Emily had a blast with her cousins which was enough to get me through the evening. She turned her tickets in at the end of the night for Pop Rocks candy which she hasn't tried before. Sunday morning was the family trip to church. The sermon today was written directly to us or at least it seemed. I think we'll have a different post regarding this topic. Sunday afternoon was receiving a visit from a couple of friends that actually decided to live in Lexington after UK rather than come back to the big city. Josh and Kelly did bring me a cool new Bears shirt fresh from Soldier Field last weekend (Thanks again!). This late afternoon and evening was some male bonding as Brent very graciously helped me get a start on staining my deck. Tomorrow is probably the last warm day of the year so we are going to get as far as we can. If anybody is not working tomorrow and needs something to do, give me a shout :) The evening is concluding with a run to Graeters to try their real fruit smoothies. I endorse trying the Banana Berry. I will tell you the secret that it is made with a handful of real strawberries, a whole banana minus the peel and strawberry sorbet. I have been excited to feeling "up" for all of these things this weekend and it was definitely a success. I still have 9 whole days before the next treatment so I'm going to keep on moving.

back in scriptures

When I did talk with Dr. Hamm yesterday he said they will do a CT scan before the 4th treatment in December. And they will pull tumor marker numbers at the next treatment on the 30th. I still don't understand what a tumor marker is but I guess I will ask on the 30th rather than searching the internet.

After days of looking for answers that I really don't want to hear (I guess) I am back in the scriptures. After not getting the answers I wanted on the internet and from the oncologist office I am going back to God. His answers seem so vague right now. I guess I need to just keep asking and keep talking.

Scriptures of consistent hope and love should be good enough but with an anxious heart looking for guarantees nothing seems to be enough. God is the only guarantee that I have. He will be there. That should be enough but I selfishly want a guarantee that I will have a husband and dad for my kids.

Pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:17-18

Do not fear...do not let your hands hang limp. The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:16-17

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9 

a post you probably don't want to read - i'm not crazy, just down in the dumps

I haven't posted a lot this week b/c although this has been a good week physically for Craig, emotionally this is a nightmare for me. The shock wore off and Polly positive worn down to nothing. Although I am so grateful that Craig's chemo side effects were kept at bay and we figure that all out, it still doesn't take away from the fact that my husband has cancer. Not just cancer but stage 4 cancer. The weeks that he is down with chemo it is just me. I can physically do it, bath nights and bedtime aren't bad, it is a lot, but it is really not the logistics that get me down. I miss my husband and he is right here. I am so far ahead of myself right now but it is hard to stay day to day. Fear crept in every time I think this is tough by myself.

Our house has always been 50/50 or 100/100 if you get right down to it. Craig isn't the husband that just works and comes home to his "castle'. He helps with the laundry, changes diapers, reads to little girls before they go to sleep etc etc. He bathed them when I was pregnant with Hannah even know he hates doing baths.When I am up against deadlines at work he does what needs to be done, cleans up the kitchen after dinner, cleans bathrooms, runs to Kroger, whatever. We fill in for each other with little direction. We are still working on the dance but it was close to perfection or at least tolerable.

I have known him since I was 18. 18! I was still a teenager! We have history. We have a life and it has been interrupted. It is fine to get off track for a couple months but the chances of this just being a couple months is little and that scares me. I don't want to live in cancer world. I don't even want to visit but it looks like we have no choice. I feel like I have no choices in anything any more.

The day before he went into the hospital we were talking in the kitchen about how tired he was. He said that he was actually looking forward to seeing the doctor to see what is wrong and be able to get some answers why he has been so tired. He said that he wanted to be able to help around the house and not have to go to bed early and not spend time together. He was looking forward to having answers and a solution. I told him that I was looking forward to having him back. And then I said it the statement that now haunts me. I said "I have never been happier in my whole life." I said it b/c I wanted him to feel good enough to be able to say it too. And I meant it. Hannah was our last baby and was happy to have pregnancy behind me. I was happy to have a complete family. Hannah is the most joyful baby. She has been an absolute delight from day one. I had actually finally figured out how to breastfeed and I was just enjoying every little moment with this new life b/c it was going to my last baby. Emily and Morgan are wonderful and it has always been a blessing to watch their relationship. I have never in my life seen a relationship so close as sisters. They are the ultimate ying and yang. What one doesn't have the other does and they are an amazing team to witness. I have an great house in a great neighborhood, with great a school system. I have a great job that I love with a set up that keeps me challenged but I still have the flexibility to be able to take care of my family first. I have amazing friends that go back 15+ years. I have family that helps me out with everything and love my girls. And I have an amazing husband. He supports me in all that I do. We are on the same page most of the time and he is an amazing leader in our house. We love to worship God and we love our church. I had everything, I guess I still do but it is tough right now. I read that poem that Cheryl posted on one of the first post and she is right cancer can't take all that away but it sure does feel like it right now. I feel like our whole life is cancer right now and the worst part is we are unsure of the light at the end of the tunnel. Is it in six months? after a surgery they won't even talk about as a possibility right now? Or will we ever have a light at the end of the tunnel? Will this go on for the rest of our lives? Craig's life? See what I mean by getting too far ahead? I'm a planner, that is what I do. But this is a whole new beast. It takes your plans and laughs at them.

I have just been in a tailspin for a couple days. A dear friend helped me sort through my questions for over an hour last night so that I could at least call the oncologist office with some logical (sane) questions. Craig and I combed through so much information and stayed day to day after the diagnosis to decide on a treatment plan that I really don't know the schedule and what to expect from it. I hope to get some answers tomorrow when they call back. It was good to just to touch base with someone rather than sitting at the computer looking for answers and just finding more to worry about rather than answers.

I am just in a valley right now. There are hills and valleys in life and we have hit a valley. It is even harder to sit in this valley and think about a statement "I have never been happier in my whole life" said that day before such a horrible diagnosis. I actually googled the stages of grieff to see what was next b/c this one sucks. Negotiation, oh good, I am great at negotiating except when I don't I don't get my way so it sounds like I will land me a seat in anger for a little while now. grreeat.

Sorry for the crappy post. It is extremely therapeutic to get it out there but I know this is all to hard to hear. this is just tough. I want a plan and I want guarantees and cancer comes with neither. I know that if I will let it this situation will bring me to a new level of faith but I know what I want, I want my life back. I want my close to perfect life back. I want my cancer-free life back. It is hard to look beyond that right now.

Hidden Valley Ranch with a side of Ranch dip

Many people have asked if they could do dinners. We have an amazing friend, Janelle Richardson, that volunteered on day 2 to coordinate meals. I don't think that she knew what she was getting into when she took the title VP of dinners.
Anyway she has us set up on a website http://www.takethemameal.com/. name: merimee password: uk

We have been so blessed with so many friends wanting to help out. This has been such a load off. Here's the thing my kids don't eat a lot. For example, Morgan had four carrots the other night for dinner, yes four carrots. Of course, that is ridiculous but Dr. Phil says that if you do food battles then it can lead to eating disorders. (insert sarcastic font here). Anyway my point is don't feel like you have to do an elaborate meal. They are not use to that b/c I am no master chef by any stretch. We eat a lot of veggies dipped in Ranch, (Morgan dips everything in ranch dressing hence the title of this post.) salads, baked chicken, easy pastas. Keep it simply.
At a later date we may visit a nutritionist for Craig to see what are some easy to digest food that will pack the pounds that he has lost. More on that when we get around to it.

Thanks for the support and all the prayers. We couldn't do this without the support system that we have. 

Day #5 after treatment #2

This time around has been better. I've kept nauseau at bay and only got sick once. We were able to stay ahead of the game which is key. As Michelle has pointed out, fatigue is the #1 mental and physical challenge. It is a very big challenge being worn down when you are lying down, when you are sitting up and also when standing. The fatigue is caused by the war going on inside my body between chemo and my cells. I keep telling myself 'Wednesday' because I should be closer to par as far as feeling good. I hate complaining when I shouldn't be complaining, it's just still hard. Each hour I have to mentally decide to fight through the tiredness and either eat something, or empty the dishwasher or fold towels or play wii, etc. I'm trying hard to stop complaining to Michelle too about being tired, that's my other struggle as well. I am enthused about having a little extra time off this go round, November 30 is my next treatment day (because of the holidays and our request). Beginning Nov 30th, I'll be on a every other Tuesday plan through April. It's weird to schedule out that far in advance but it tells me a lot. I should be good for Christmas and Emily's b-day; I'll have a treatment on Morgan's bday in Feb :(. Of course, things, treatments or whatever could change between now and then. On another note, I've got the UofL West Virginia circled on my calendar this Saturday as a game I'd like to get to with the Michelle and the girls (minus Hannah). We'll see if we can make it. It should be in the high 50's or 60 for the game so that part sounds reasonable. I'm looking forward to Christmas shopping and I have never said that before. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and seeing mine and Michelle's family. We will not be hosting so that's a plus. Not much else going on, just waiting for Wednesday I guess. I made it to church this past weekend which was good. They played one of my favorite songs, the one that sticks in my head about every day. Favorite Line: "I can see a light that is coming for the hand that holds on, and there will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes, still I will praise You." I still have plenty to be thankful and that is why I will keep praising; I've been given so much and for that I am thankful.

fatigue fatigue fatigue

It is a new day. The plumbing is fixed and bathrooms are all good. thankfully!
Yesterday ended up being a more than frustrating day and I will spare you the whiny details of stupid mistake with the port that landed us in the doctor's office but all is well now.
Neulasta (sp?) shot was taken care of this morning by the same nurse that thought I was the world's most horrible wife. She said he looked so much better this time around. And he does. He has been doing a little bit here and a little bit there, folding a little laundry, heating up his own lunch, taking out the trash, etc. It just takes more effort when he is so tired. He is so thankful that he is not nausea that he is glad to push himself a bit more this time. He is not eating a lot but is eating so that is a HUGE plus. We are so thankful for the (ridiculously) warm weather so that he doesn't have to worry about the cold air and that crazy side effect. He has lost a lot of weight since this all began but he has until 11/30 until the next treatment so he has time to try to pack on as much as he can to get his strength up.
Since he has extra time that gives us a chance to enjoy Thanksgiving and hopefully get some Christmas things done before it gets too late in the month.
It makes me nervous to delay the chemo treatment and get off track a couple days but I know they wouldn't have let us do it if it would have compromised the possible success of the treatment. Still makes me nervous.
We are grateful for minimal side effects and we are still trying to stay positive but I have to say the more we get into this the more it sinks in what our "new life" is. I walked down the hall in the oncologist office Wednesday and saw "Merimee" on the board with his room number and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My husband's name is on the wipey board at an ONCOLOGIST office. Yuck. This sucks. Then as I walked down the hall passing different exam rooms, conference rooms: that is the room we were waiting on billirubin results, that is the room we talked about the clinical trial and went through a stack of other possible clinical trials from other cancer centers, that is the conference room we talked about the Folifox regime and the side effects. This is no longer a crappy event in our lives but part of our history. I still pray that it is just six months of our life and then we get to get back to our normal but none the less the next six months are on again off again side effects, blood work, port accesses and de-accesses, more questions with everyday, will it work? After all this will it work? All we can do is pray that it does and take it day by day. Some days are going bad and some days will be fine. I know everyday that the Lord is carrying us through this just as the poem footprints states. I ask myself everyday, why are we not completely falling apart? footprints. He is carrying us through.
He has given us the world's most wonderful friends that spend hours on the phone talking about the most depressing subjects and they take my kids at the drop of a hat when I have to run anywhere and can't or don't want to drag three kids with me.
I'm tired and he is exhausted but it is wonderful to have a God bigger than this cancer and amazing friends to walk along side as He carries us through this.

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied,

“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

You can either laugh or cry

I chose to laugh until about 7:00 tonight, let it just wasn't funny any more. 

Craig is doing about a billion times better this time. He is eating, he is around house, he is talking without feeling like he is going to throw up. He can keep his eyes open without throwing up.We took a walk in the neighborhood this afternoon since it was so nice out. all great things.

What is wrong is the darn (a different word was used this evening) plumbing in this house. The tub backed up into the toilets and than the toilets backed up into the other bathtub. Awesome. let me tell ya, awesome. grrrrrr

We are so thankful that Craig is doing so much better this time around. He was much stronger going into the treatment and they had a much better plan at the office during his treatments. He is looking forward to home health coming tomorrow afternoon so he can be "cordless"

And I am looking forward to the plumber coming! grrrrr

so far so good

just tired but not sick...
ate a little dinner which is tons better than last time.
he is up watching TV and not sleeping
in the living room rather than in bed so sick
much better than last time so far....
keep praying for the side effects to be kept at bay.

second drip doing okay

he is a bit tired and groggy now but not sick so I think this is a good start. Please pray this continues and tomorrow he is not down and out like last time.

home health will be here in a few with the take home drip. someone asked me if that was on an IV pole like in the hospital. No, it is a little ball that is attached to the port and then the ball goes in his pocket. He can't shower with it but other than that it just goes along with him.

ever time I image an IV pole in the house I can visualize Morgan trying to dangle from the top. she wouldn't but she would think about it. :)

characters around here

Today's RN is in full nurse gear, not scrubs but the old fashion WHITE WHITE WHITE uniform dress, white panty hose, white shoes, and box hat. We walked in and thought did she miss Halloween? Well come to find out she is boycotting the new Norton nurse's uniform rules. Apparently they decided that they can only wear blue scrubs and she doesn't like it so she said that she was going back to the white uniform. interesting...

Each day before Halloween they had a different theme in the office. The day that they decided on a treatment plan (the day of the tornado) was "dress like an animal" day. So when the RN was explaining the side effects of each of Craig's chemo drug she was dress as a bunny. yep a bunny. she had the ears on and when she would nod her head in agreement they would nod back and forth on top of her head. She had painted her nose black and drew whiskers on her face. interesting...

The first chemo treatment was a couple days later and it was dress pink day. So the same RN that was a bunny 2 or 3 days prior now had pink knee socks pulled up to her knees.

everyone is ridiculously smart here and they are extremely good at what they do but you just never know what they might be wearing. it really doesn't matter what they are wearing but I thought it was funny.

always interesting at the oncologist office...

I am just babbling b/c I am bored and I can blog or work on 3rd Quarter post buy analysis. blah.

treatment day

We are down here at Norton Oncology. They took blood and we are waiting for those results to come back. I think they are just doing a white blood cell count to make sure he can take the chemo. We were hoping to see about the billirubin count b/c one theory says that if that goes down then the tumor might have shrunk causing the liver to drain properly and the billirubin to go down. But that is just a theory and apparently not an important one today.
People have been asking when they will do a test to see if the chemo is doing its job. The answer is: I'm not sure. We are assuming mid-way through the 6 months of treatment they will do a CT-scan to see if the tumor has shrunk but that is a question we need to ask Dr. Hamm.
We thought we were going to see Dr. Hamm today but he isn't in the office so a lot of our questions are on hold.
The immediate concern that we have today is how to get the nausea and other side effects under control since last time went horribly.
They seem to have put a plan in place to combat those issues. He has more nausea medicine before the second chemo so hopefully he won't get sick here. They increased the dosage of one nausea and replaced another with one that doesn't cause drowsiness. We shall see...it can't be as bad as last time, right? He is in better shape going into this chemo treatment than the last. He was still recovering from the stet surgery and still taking pain medicine etc. last time.

His blood counts came back and he is fine in all areas and can receive the chemo today.

We are still working on a schedule for the next time. If we went exactly two weeks it would be the day before Thanksgiving. Um, Happy Thanksgiving, here's a barf bag. So I think they are going to let him wait until the Monday or Tuesday of the following week. This of course will effect Christmas too. If they let us move it to Mondays then it would land on Emily's 5th birthday. That just made me want to cry. We were thinking of telling her that Sunday 12/12 was her birthday since she doesn't own a calendar but if they move it to Tuesdays then we would dodge Thanksgiving, Christmas and Emily's birthday. We shall see. Cancer seems to be a scheduling nightmare. We have too many good things going on to fit in cancer, apparently cancer doesn't care. 5th Birthdays are important. I asked her if she wanted to go to Chicago for her birthday and she asked if she could take her friends in her class. Scratch that idea.

They are starting the first bag of chemo. This one he breezed through last time.

Dear Lord,
Please let this chemo work your miracle and erase cancer from our lives.


I'll try to update again after lunch etc.

Pray for effective chemo with minimal side effects.
thanks for sticking with us. :)

what a pain

Craig is in some pain today. It started last night after dinner and got worse as the night went on. He took his pain medicine but woke up a couple times throughout the night. Who knows what it is. It could be a lingering sign effect from the chemo, it could be too much food sitting on a cancerous tumor or a placed stet. I guess we will find out more tomorrow when we go to the oncologist for the second round of chemo. It sucks that his last "good" day this week is a rough one.

Good Weekend

It has been a good weekend. It's been day and night when compared to the days after the treatment. I drove a car for the first time in a month since I drove myself to the hospital back on Oct 4th. I've been off all meds the last few days which has allowed me to drive. I've probably felt better the last few days since this all started to go down. Things will change Wednesday but I take a lot of comfort knowing I've got good days ahead of me. I still have discomfort in my upper abdomen that stays pretty steady. It can be hard sleeping at times as I can really only sleep on my back and be comfortable without the pain. I still get tired if I do a whole lot. I was able to finish my coaching duties for Morgan's last soccer game on Saturday morning. Coaching is basically running around the field and keeping the 3 year olds running in the right direction. I loved being the coach and was only able to "coach" in a few games. Michelle and I got to have date night on Saturday evening which consisted of church and a dinner at PF Changs with the Breit's. Today I got to hang out with friends and watch the Bears win another game. I am happy right now and 100% positive and am thoroughly enjoying these "feel good" days. I hope I'm not getting ahead of myself right now but my attitude has a hardly a doubt I can beat this. I expect to beat this. I am relieved to know I have time to build myself up for these treatments. I feel like my body is building itself back up as this was a major concern of mine. I don't have a whole lot scheduled for the next 2 days. I will try to eat as much as possible to get some meat back on me before I have to starve for a few days. I got a book at church Saturday that I can read and get myself mentally ready for the treatment as well. It's titled 5 Minutes in the Bible for Men. My reading attention span isn't always the best and this book will allow me to take some rich application that I can apply to my situation now. I do a lot of praying after the treatment and a lot of of it has to do with keeping things down. Sorry for the honesty. I realize these horrible drugs are going to hopefully save my life so I do my best to keep things in perspective. Again, thanks for all the thoughts and prayers out there, we're taking them.