http://erikandkatekrull.blogspot.com/2012/01/question-of-faith.html
I follow a couple blogs and I can't remember where I found this one but I have been following this blog for a little while. Her post on faith really was a great one and I wanted to share it. The whole time I was reading it I was nodding in agreement... oh yes! yeah, exactly, yep, I get that. Basically I couldn't have said it better myself so here is the link.
Right now I feel like we are in stall-mode. When Craig feels good we do stuff with him and when he doesn't we fill in the time around here. Not really a whole lot going on right now. He sleeps a lot still, some days more than others. Some days he feels okay and some days are filled with tummy aches in between naps. We had fun yesterday at a friend's birthday party. Pictures to come (maybe).
So there was mixed response to "the other side of goals and wishes" and that is fine. I can't tell you I am glad that I posted it but it was definitely a healing part of this process. I have learned a lesson walking through this journey is if you are not honest with your emotions then they will eat you alive. I am committed WALKING THROUGH this fire rather than around it. Not doing that is self-destructive and would harm my kids more than not walking through the fire and dealing as trouble comes along. It was time to call a spade a spade. This is crap and there is no sugar coating it. Getting through that ugly emotion has allowed me to enjoy the time that we have shared together the last week or so.
Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will lift you up. James 4:9-10 NIV
A man in sorrow is in general much nearer God than a man in joy. Gladness may make a man forget his thanksgiving: misery drives him to prayer. -George MacDonald
Monday, January 30, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Up and Down
I'm still hanging in here, it's up and down though. Michelle gets frustrated when she doesn't know if she can count on me to help with the kids the very next hour. I can best put it that I'm consistently inconsistent. Most people do see the good side of me but that's how I plan things. Unfortunately I can't just plan to be in good shape all the time. Michelle sees the real me. I do know that my digestion is the biggest culprit of how I feel. The plans that I make take lots of planning. I usually stick to one major plan each day usually. Today it was lunch with Michelle. Tomorrow is lunch plans with a couple of friends. Thursday is my Louisville Pancreatic Cancer Action Network meeting. Friday is gym class in the evening followed by a quick meal with some friends. My normal plan is get plenty of rest in bed and not eat anything big the meal before I'm going out with friends. After going out with friends, I'm often laying in bed waiting for my stomach ache or simply sleep. I have also reached the point where I can't make morning plans. I don't get out of bed until after 10 and its often 11 am. I do sometimes get up early in the morning (7am) to help with getting the kids up and ready but I always go back to bed. It's not that I'm being lazy either. I literally sleep that late. I do however often enjoy my evenings. My normal bedtime routine culminates shortly after 10 where I'm taking an extra pain pill plus an ambien to help me sleep so maybe I'm sleeping off my hangover. I hope it's not bad to admit that but I do enjoy that 10pm bedtime routine, I feel pretty comfortable. I have to be careful sometimes as I often talk up a storm with Michelle when she's finally ready to call it a day. It can seem I say more to Michelle after 10pm than I do most of the day combined. I also have to stay off of Facebook as I want to make sure I remember everything I'm doing. I do have to set my alarm for every 3 hours through the night to take additional pain meds though. So that's my "day" these days. I try to spend as much as my evening with the girls as well so that goes into the planning process as well. I had a great birthday. Michelle wrote about it and did a good job. I would have loved to enjoy the evening from my friends' perspectives as they had a good time. I still had a very good time.
I do get to experience some really cool things as I go through this. I very much cherish the time I spent with Lambda Chi Alpha at the University of Kentucky. I met some awesome friends and really did learn a lot about my life through things we did as a chapter. Yes I had fun but maybe the biggest lesson my fraternity taught me from my initiation week was "humility." I learned through an activity we did that it's important to help others and there's always someout there that has it worse than you think you do when you are down. The lesson still sticks with me. I'm in a crap situation now but I can think of different paths out there that would be haunting to me. I still think I'm blessed I know I am). A few weeks ago a bunch of my fraternity brothers showed up to a get together that flew under the radar as some came from out of town. They gave me our badge pin that was made with real stones and I very much appreciated it. I mentioned off the cuff that I'd love to see our inititation again because I hadn't seen it since 2000. Through some connections here in town, the brothers of LXA at UofL threw up their hand and wanted to perform our ritual for me in my honor. There's a lot that goes into our ritual so it was a big committment for them. I admire the way the stepped up for me yet do not know me. Our chapter at UofL has grown a lot that last few years and I'm glad to hear they are strong these days. My witness firsthand is they have a lot of charachter and that's what you are supposed to learn in college when in a fraternity. This past weekend, I go to see our ritual gain and I had brothers come in from all over the state including many from Lexington, Paducah and one from Chicago. My brothers mean a whole lot to me and I love you guys.
Lastly, I wanted to reiterate I'm tired these days. I say that because I often have a guilty feeling when I'm around others. It's that when I'm with friends, family members, whomever, I still stay pretty quiet. I think when people see me, they want to make the most of that interaction and a lot of the time I'm just tired. I'm a very quiet person by nature no matter how you look at it, so that's my first excuse. It just takes a lot to get out sometimes and a very strong natured conversation can honestly wear me out. I love spending time with friends, I just oddly sometimes value their "being there for me" more than their conversation. Does that make sense? I'll sometimes run into a past friend from high school or something like that that I haven't seen in years and they want to know how I'm doing but I don't really want to talk about that. Another example is I was pretty quiet at my birthday party however I really enjoyed my time. I'll sometime see friends I haven't seen in months and I realize it may be the last time that I see them so I'm joyous to see them but I'm often still laid back and quiet. Sorry about that friends and family. I'm not great at goodbyes either. While a good stern 3 second hug might be warranted in a situation because I might not see that person again, it's just hard for me to make the most of that opportunity everytime I'm out. The truth is if I see you out, please know that I'm elated that I get to see you but I'm not going to talk your ear off. I also feel bad to those I'm really close to that don't get that conversation every other day that want to talk to me hourly if they could, especially family. The truth is even Michelle does not get that many conversations each day. I'm either resting or sleeping. Phone calls wear me out and I'm afraid sometimes that the quick interaction I like having may turn into a 20 minute conversation. I hope this last paragraph made sense, my excuse is I'm just quiet. I'm tired from the evening again so I've reached my max.
God bless and thanks for all the support out there!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do get to experience some really cool things as I go through this. I very much cherish the time I spent with Lambda Chi Alpha at the University of Kentucky. I met some awesome friends and really did learn a lot about my life through things we did as a chapter. Yes I had fun but maybe the biggest lesson my fraternity taught me from my initiation week was "humility." I learned through an activity we did that it's important to help others and there's always someout there that has it worse than you think you do when you are down. The lesson still sticks with me. I'm in a crap situation now but I can think of different paths out there that would be haunting to me. I still think I'm blessed I know I am). A few weeks ago a bunch of my fraternity brothers showed up to a get together that flew under the radar as some came from out of town. They gave me our badge pin that was made with real stones and I very much appreciated it. I mentioned off the cuff that I'd love to see our inititation again because I hadn't seen it since 2000. Through some connections here in town, the brothers of LXA at UofL threw up their hand and wanted to perform our ritual for me in my honor. There's a lot that goes into our ritual so it was a big committment for them. I admire the way the stepped up for me yet do not know me. Our chapter at UofL has grown a lot that last few years and I'm glad to hear they are strong these days. My witness firsthand is they have a lot of charachter and that's what you are supposed to learn in college when in a fraternity. This past weekend, I go to see our ritual gain and I had brothers come in from all over the state including many from Lexington, Paducah and one from Chicago. My brothers mean a whole lot to me and I love you guys.
Lastly, I wanted to reiterate I'm tired these days. I say that because I often have a guilty feeling when I'm around others. It's that when I'm with friends, family members, whomever, I still stay pretty quiet. I think when people see me, they want to make the most of that interaction and a lot of the time I'm just tired. I'm a very quiet person by nature no matter how you look at it, so that's my first excuse. It just takes a lot to get out sometimes and a very strong natured conversation can honestly wear me out. I love spending time with friends, I just oddly sometimes value their "being there for me" more than their conversation. Does that make sense? I'll sometimes run into a past friend from high school or something like that that I haven't seen in years and they want to know how I'm doing but I don't really want to talk about that. Another example is I was pretty quiet at my birthday party however I really enjoyed my time. I'll sometime see friends I haven't seen in months and I realize it may be the last time that I see them so I'm joyous to see them but I'm often still laid back and quiet. Sorry about that friends and family. I'm not great at goodbyes either. While a good stern 3 second hug might be warranted in a situation because I might not see that person again, it's just hard for me to make the most of that opportunity everytime I'm out. The truth is if I see you out, please know that I'm elated that I get to see you but I'm not going to talk your ear off. I also feel bad to those I'm really close to that don't get that conversation every other day that want to talk to me hourly if they could, especially family. The truth is even Michelle does not get that many conversations each day. I'm either resting or sleeping. Phone calls wear me out and I'm afraid sometimes that the quick interaction I like having may turn into a 20 minute conversation. I hope this last paragraph made sense, my excuse is I'm just quiet. I'm tired from the evening again so I've reached my max.
God bless and thanks for all the support out there!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
What a great weekend!!
Saturday Emily, Morgan and I were off to art therapy at Norton. They are doing great things with Dr. Estes and we are very grateful they have that outlet for them. It has been especially beneficial to Morgan. She is more creative than verbal so it is a great safe place for her to release some of the thing that swarm around her head. Last week Emily drew two snowmen and Dr. Estes asked if they were happy or sad and she said that where happy b/c they still had each other. She loves whatever times she can spend with Craig. Monday she had MLK holiday day off of school and her and Craig watched movies until late in the afternoon. Two peas in a pod.
Saturday evening we celebrated Craig's birthday with great friends at Martini's. I think as a group we sampled most of the martini menu. I stuck with my old favorite the lemon drop martini while others ventured down the left side of the menu (no names needed - you know who you are). Good times. Loud but really fun! It was fantastic to get to see everyone and spend some time just having fun. Most of our friends have small kids like us so when you get a babysitter and make a night of it you make the most of it... and we did!
great friends, great food, great martinis, great date.
So we are taking one day at a time, some times it is just one hour at a time, some times it is one great date night at a time. We are so thankful for our close friends who are strong enough to simply go out and have a good time!
Cheers!
Saturday evening we celebrated Craig's birthday with great friends at Martini's. I think as a group we sampled most of the martini menu. I stuck with my old favorite the lemon drop martini while others ventured down the left side of the menu (no names needed - you know who you are). Good times. Loud but really fun! It was fantastic to get to see everyone and spend some time just having fun. Most of our friends have small kids like us so when you get a babysitter and make a night of it you make the most of it... and we did!
great friends, great food, great martinis, great date.
So we are taking one day at a time, some times it is just one hour at a time, some times it is one great date night at a time. We are so thankful for our close friends who are strong enough to simply go out and have a good time!
Cheers!
Friday, January 20, 2012
update today
Craig has adjusted some of his pain meds and seems to be in less pain (duh) and was able to enjoy lunch with Aunt Janie this afternoon. The evening consisted of gymnastics for the girls and Chic Fila as we have done the past two Fridays.
All three girls love gym class especially little Hannah. She has gain some major upper body strength and can hang on to the bar and swing like a monkey. Yeah for Hannah!
Tomorrow is art therapy in the morning for Emily and Morgan and we are (hopefully) doing date night. Church at 5:00 and dinner with friends.
just a quick update.
thanks for the prayers and the support.
All three girls love gym class especially little Hannah. She has gain some major upper body strength and can hang on to the bar and swing like a monkey. Yeah for Hannah!
Tomorrow is art therapy in the morning for Emily and Morgan and we are (hopefully) doing date night. Church at 5:00 and dinner with friends.
just a quick update.
thanks for the prayers and the support.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The other side of "goals and wishes" - warning it is ugly
This post has been sitting in the "saved" folder for many days. It is ugly but the truth. I think God has asked me to post even though it is so scary to think that someone will think that I am a horrible wife b/c of my true feelings. God is working on me one day at a time just as we work through this one day at a time.
Save me O God; for the waters have risen up to my neck.
I sink in muddy depths and have no foothold;
I am swept into a deep water, and the flood carries me away.
I am wearied with crying out, my throat is sore,
my eyes grow dim as I wait for God to help me.
Psalm 69:1-3 NEB
1/16/12
The past couple days I have struggled struggled struggled. To those who have never gone through this type of adversity may not understand this post, you may even think that I am a horrible person. So be it. As stated in the beginning of this journey this disease is horrible and we have no intention of just putting the good stuff out there. It is what it is and I am sooo human but the good thing is I am working through each ugly thing so that God can work His will through my imperfection and I have sooooo many that He has a lot of work to do.
So when Craig's goals and wishes surfaced a sentiment of support or even joy from his wife did not accompany them. I was ticked off!! Don't get me wrong I want him here for Morgan's birthday, the Jimmy Buffet concert, and even our anniversary BUT if I have to watch him deteriorate before my eyes each and every day I will pass on him being here for Morgan's birthday, Jimmy concert or our anniversary. To witness the side effects and the constant struggle day in and day out feels like torture. So to continue to see that into the springtime seems unbearable. Selfish? YES! I agree 110%!! The guilt on top of the anguish is just as tough to work through as the anguish itself. I have had several 2-year-old temper tantrums about this (darn) Jimmy Buffet concert, one in therapy, one in the middle of a support group, one in my living room by myself, several over the phone to loving friends and family and the final straw was to Craig yesterday. Yes, how selfish to even think about letting him know my true feelings and even in the loud way that it came about. Not pretty at all but that is just it, I am only human. I wish I were the wife that could just be the cheerleader that hung onto every word and every upcoming event but I am not. I am working on it though but my initial reaction was an ugly one and I even shocked myself with how bad of a reaction I had to upcoming events. I am HORRIBLE about living in limbo really really horrible. It is a constant struggle to turn it over and let God take the anxiety of how much more can I take of this?
We surrendered the overall outcome of this journey to Him but the day to day seems tougher and tougher. To say His will be done and if He wants Craig to make it to the Jimmy Buffet concert means that I witness another 6 weeks of deterioration (one half pound, one stomachache, one pain pill at a time) of the most important person in my life rather than releasing him to a better with life for him and quite frankly better concerts then so be it. PHIL. 4:13!!! So in my perspective I'm not sure a three hour concert is worth it but it is not up to me it is up to Him. I realize this will not be a popular perspective but don't judge until you have walked in my shoes.
So if in the past a couple weeks you have seen me and said something encouraging like, Craig looks good or it sounds like he is in great spirits or I am praying that you guys get to the UofL basketball game for Craig birthday or the Jimmy Buffet concert in March and you saw this weird grin on my face and I said something like thanks for the prayers... that's what that strange look was all about. (Did you think I was worried that my coconut bra wasn't going to fit at the Jimmy concert? I kid, I do not own a coconut bra and never have, for the record.) It was a string of emotional mess. I want my husband here for another 50 years, I want him here for every one of Morgan's birthdays and if he wants to tour with Jimmy Buffet so be it! (I wouldn't go, I flat out just don't like Jimmy Buffet.) But to witness this journey longer and longer is just hard. If you were someone that came up with to me with the best of intentions and had no idea that what was the goofy grin was about don't feel bad!! No matter what anyone ever says to me I am constantly thankful that you are talking to me b/c there are people out there that don't know what to say so they don't say anything and that is FAR worse of a feeling than someone saying the "wrong thing." There isn't a "wrong thing" to say when you say it with the best of intentions and the love in your heart. We know that and we TRULY thank you for each and every prayer!!! Really!
I hate to burst your bubble if you thought a Hallmark movie broke out in my house everyday but it is not like that. This is real life with real ugly emotions come along with a really ugly disease and I am struggling even one day at a time. SO please continue to pray for all of us.
Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
I can learn to pray about every and be anxious about nothing...through Christ who strengthen me. I can take each day and allow Him to walk with us regardless how long I have to witness this struggle...through Christ who gives me strength. I can learn to be let go and let God decide what events Craig will make it to through Christ who gives me strength. I can learn what true endurance is through Christ who gives me strength. I can even find joy (?!) in this walk through Christ who gives me strength.
It may take 1000 pity parties but that is going through the fire rather than around it... through Christ who gives me strength.
One day at a time we will get through this and we may even have a good time at the concert...through Christ who gives me strength.
I'm not sure I can hit "publish post" on this one....it took 4 days to hit publish.
Save me O God; for the waters have risen up to my neck.
I sink in muddy depths and have no foothold;
I am swept into a deep water, and the flood carries me away.
I am wearied with crying out, my throat is sore,
my eyes grow dim as I wait for God to help me.
Psalm 69:1-3 NEB
1/16/12
The past couple days I have struggled struggled struggled. To those who have never gone through this type of adversity may not understand this post, you may even think that I am a horrible person. So be it. As stated in the beginning of this journey this disease is horrible and we have no intention of just putting the good stuff out there. It is what it is and I am sooo human but the good thing is I am working through each ugly thing so that God can work His will through my imperfection and I have sooooo many that He has a lot of work to do.
So when Craig's goals and wishes surfaced a sentiment of support or even joy from his wife did not accompany them. I was ticked off!! Don't get me wrong I want him here for Morgan's birthday, the Jimmy Buffet concert, and even our anniversary BUT if I have to watch him deteriorate before my eyes each and every day I will pass on him being here for Morgan's birthday, Jimmy concert or our anniversary. To witness the side effects and the constant struggle day in and day out feels like torture. So to continue to see that into the springtime seems unbearable. Selfish? YES! I agree 110%!! The guilt on top of the anguish is just as tough to work through as the anguish itself. I have had several 2-year-old temper tantrums about this (darn) Jimmy Buffet concert, one in therapy, one in the middle of a support group, one in my living room by myself, several over the phone to loving friends and family and the final straw was to Craig yesterday. Yes, how selfish to even think about letting him know my true feelings and even in the loud way that it came about. Not pretty at all but that is just it, I am only human. I wish I were the wife that could just be the cheerleader that hung onto every word and every upcoming event but I am not. I am working on it though but my initial reaction was an ugly one and I even shocked myself with how bad of a reaction I had to upcoming events. I am HORRIBLE about living in limbo really really horrible. It is a constant struggle to turn it over and let God take the anxiety of how much more can I take of this?
We surrendered the overall outcome of this journey to Him but the day to day seems tougher and tougher. To say His will be done and if He wants Craig to make it to the Jimmy Buffet concert means that I witness another 6 weeks of deterioration (one half pound, one stomachache, one pain pill at a time) of the most important person in my life rather than releasing him to a better with life for him and quite frankly better concerts then so be it. PHIL. 4:13!!! So in my perspective I'm not sure a three hour concert is worth it but it is not up to me it is up to Him. I realize this will not be a popular perspective but don't judge until you have walked in my shoes.
So if in the past a couple weeks you have seen me and said something encouraging like, Craig looks good or it sounds like he is in great spirits or I am praying that you guys get to the UofL basketball game for Craig birthday or the Jimmy Buffet concert in March and you saw this weird grin on my face and I said something like thanks for the prayers... that's what that strange look was all about. (Did you think I was worried that my coconut bra wasn't going to fit at the Jimmy concert? I kid, I do not own a coconut bra and never have, for the record.) It was a string of emotional mess. I want my husband here for another 50 years, I want him here for every one of Morgan's birthdays and if he wants to tour with Jimmy Buffet so be it! (I wouldn't go, I flat out just don't like Jimmy Buffet.) But to witness this journey longer and longer is just hard. If you were someone that came up with to me with the best of intentions and had no idea that what was the goofy grin was about don't feel bad!! No matter what anyone ever says to me I am constantly thankful that you are talking to me b/c there are people out there that don't know what to say so they don't say anything and that is FAR worse of a feeling than someone saying the "wrong thing." There isn't a "wrong thing" to say when you say it with the best of intentions and the love in your heart. We know that and we TRULY thank you for each and every prayer!!! Really!
I hate to burst your bubble if you thought a Hallmark movie broke out in my house everyday but it is not like that. This is real life with real ugly emotions come along with a really ugly disease and I am struggling even one day at a time. SO please continue to pray for all of us.
Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"
I can learn to pray about every and be anxious about nothing...through Christ who strengthen me. I can take each day and allow Him to walk with us regardless how long I have to witness this struggle...through Christ who gives me strength. I can learn to be let go and let God decide what events Craig will make it to through Christ who gives me strength. I can learn what true endurance is through Christ who gives me strength. I can even find joy (?!) in this walk through Christ who gives me strength.
It may take 1000 pity parties but that is going through the fire rather than around it... through Christ who gives me strength.
One day at a time we will get through this and we may even have a good time at the concert...through Christ who gives me strength.
I'm not sure I can hit "publish post" on this one....it took 4 days to hit publish.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Oldham Era article from December
http://www.oldhamera.com/content/young-father-battles-silent-killer
http://www.oldhamera.com/content/cancer-changes-christmas-local-families
There has been a couple articles in the Oldham Era since Craig did the proclamation. Attached are the links.
http://www.oldhamera.com/content/cancer-changes-christmas-local-families
There has been a couple articles in the Oldham Era since Craig did the proclamation. Attached are the links.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Upcoming Dates and Goals
I've got a few things coming up that are goals of mine. I guess you can replace the word "goal" with wishes or hopes of mine. We told the girls about me in earlier December and basically told the girls we'll take one day at a time. Our initial goal was Christmas and we mentioned my birthday and Morgan's birthday as days I'd "like" to be here for. Christmas came and we flew through that with flying colors. The last we had really talked about my birthday with the girls, we were cautiously optimistic. We all doubted that day to some extent. The other day I mentioned at the dinner table that my birthday was "x" amount of days away. Morgan's jaw dropped and looked at her mommy and Michelle and I both knew why. Morgan didn't think she'd be spending it with me and was prepared for that. She even asked "is daddy going to be here?" to her mom with me sitting at the table. It was very precious to see her concern but a tough moment for me. The girls are doing pretty good. Emily is concerned and admitted to her mom that other day that her pillow was all wet one night because she was crying about me. They have their moments but are staying strong. I haven't got to spend as much time as I would have liked to recently. They literally wear me out being in a room with them. Sometimes I'm just not feeling comfortable (stomach pains, lack of energy). They still put huge smiles on my face. After the shock of hearing I may not have long according to the doctors, I've come to learn no one is capable of putting a date out there on me except for God. I'm more optimistic these days that I may be able to accomplish some goals I didn't dream of seeing a month ago this time. I do not feel like I'm progressively getting worse, I'm obviously not getting better though. I'm still getting out of the house most days which is good and I can do things as long as I plan to rest pretty much all of the rest of the day. Michelle, Emily, Morgan and I are going to the UofL - DePaul basketball game this afternoon. This will be a great test for me but I'm up for the challenge and believe I should be fine.
I've got a few huge goals that I'd love to witness:
January 17th - my 34th birthday. I should have this one in the bag but it will be bittersweet as I really did not believe I would see it as of a month ago.
February 5th - the Superbowl. This isn't really a big goal but it would be nice to see either the Packers not playing or lose this game :)
February 22 - Morgan's 5th birthday. This is my current big time goal that I'm zeroed in on right now. Morgan really wants me to be at there to share it and I really want to be there. I love seeing my kids enjoy "their" day and this is a big deal. I don't want her to have an ounce of sadness on her big day.
March 3rd - Jimmy Buffett concert. Selfishly speaking, I'm amazed this happened. He never comes to Louisville and this got scheduled out of no where. If you would have asked me a month ago what one concert would I love to see here, it would have been Buffett. It was scheduled so quickly that I actually have a chance to go to it. A very good friend of mine gave me his club seats at the Yum for the concert so my seats are about 10 rows up from the front side of the stage. I'd love to be in shape to go to this. I may be the only one there without a Corona or margarita in hand though.
April 13th - 10 year wedding anniversary. This would be a true present from God. Marriage has been the most rewarding but also one of the hardest things I've ever worked at. I want to be able to say We did it. I've told you how much my wife means to me. Couples don't make it 10 years near enough. We have always worked on this together. I don't want Michelle to wake up this day in April by herself. This day seems far off but does seem obtainable. Words can't express what this day would mean to me.
That's as far as it's going to go right now. I am grateful for everyday and I mean that. Every evening I smile when I lay my head on the pillow in the late evening. Thanks again for everyone's support out there!. God has blessed us with all of you. Sorry I haven't been writing as much here lately but it really just means there's not much too report, which is good.
I've got a few huge goals that I'd love to witness:
January 17th - my 34th birthday. I should have this one in the bag but it will be bittersweet as I really did not believe I would see it as of a month ago.
February 5th - the Superbowl. This isn't really a big goal but it would be nice to see either the Packers not playing or lose this game :)
February 22 - Morgan's 5th birthday. This is my current big time goal that I'm zeroed in on right now. Morgan really wants me to be at there to share it and I really want to be there. I love seeing my kids enjoy "their" day and this is a big deal. I don't want her to have an ounce of sadness on her big day.
March 3rd - Jimmy Buffett concert. Selfishly speaking, I'm amazed this happened. He never comes to Louisville and this got scheduled out of no where. If you would have asked me a month ago what one concert would I love to see here, it would have been Buffett. It was scheduled so quickly that I actually have a chance to go to it. A very good friend of mine gave me his club seats at the Yum for the concert so my seats are about 10 rows up from the front side of the stage. I'd love to be in shape to go to this. I may be the only one there without a Corona or margarita in hand though.
April 13th - 10 year wedding anniversary. This would be a true present from God. Marriage has been the most rewarding but also one of the hardest things I've ever worked at. I want to be able to say We did it. I've told you how much my wife means to me. Couples don't make it 10 years near enough. We have always worked on this together. I don't want Michelle to wake up this day in April by herself. This day seems far off but does seem obtainable. Words can't express what this day would mean to me.
That's as far as it's going to go right now. I am grateful for everyday and I mean that. Every evening I smile when I lay my head on the pillow in the late evening. Thanks again for everyone's support out there!. God has blessed us with all of you. Sorry I haven't been writing as much here lately but it really just means there's not much too report, which is good.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Happy New Year
It's been a little while for me. I guess not a lot of news can mean no bad news. I've been meaning to get on here about every night here for the last week. I'm sorry to say my last post was Dec 23rd. Michelle does a great job keeping you up on the emotions of the household. All in all, things are going relatively well right now. I'm generally feeling decent enough to enjoy quality time with the family. Christmas was a big goal of ours and it went as good as I could have asked. New Years was a little different, neither of us were feeling very well and it was tabbed an early evening. My biggest complaint of the last few weeks is that I woke up yesterday morning (Wednesday morning) with some serious pain in my neck. I tried to brave it for half a day but I eventually called into the hospice nurse to get some advice. My choice was go into the ER and get an xray or double up on my pain meds and increase the frequency. I chose to up the pain meds. It helped with easing the pain to an extent but also expectantly made me pretty groggy. In the back on my mind, I wondered if it was just a case of sleeping on my neck wrong. I called my chiropractor who I used to go to out here in Oldham County. I also know him from my job and he goes to same church as me as well. He offered to come out to see me at home this afternoon late in the day. He adjusted me in about 10 minutes and pretty quickly found the bad spot in my neck. It has helped tremendously with my pain and it's about 90% gone. This has really been my only anguish over the past few weeks other than the normail fatigue, digestion problems, etc.
My lack of health news has made things pretty normal BUT life is still far from normal. I've driven my car about twice in the last 30 days. I don't feel comfortable driving, it's an odd feeling and it's not easy to admit. I feel trapped when I'm not able to jump in my car and run an errand. I have to recruit friends sometimes to take me to the store or to get my haircut. I hate having to do that. Michelle does plenty of driving. I hate having to force all of the family driving on her. I don't really like riding in a car these days either. I don't like the back roads, I don't like going too fast. I get really light headed in the car and it can make me sick. We've got my car lined up and ready to be sold to my brother in law; it's just sitting in the driveway these days. The driving issue is just one of life's oddities these days. Other thoughts that go through my head these days are mind boggling. For example, I needed shampoo the other day, do I buy the travel size or the small bottle? I don't have much hair but this is a stupid question. Another example: I had a coupon where I got a nice discount for buying 2 sticks of deodorant; I had to ask myself if I really needed that other stick. I went through a recent debate on my new tv for the bedroom which was my only "desire" for Christmas and rationalized that if my wife did not like it, she had 90 days to take it back. These questions bother me and probably should bother me more but they are my new mindset. I'll reiterate I still want to be on the this face of the earth very long assuming I continue to feel good like I do right now. The conversations in this house would baffle you. Michelle and I sometimes joke about her next husband. Again, not a normal discussion, but we don't shy away from anything. Every conversation is fair game. I want her to remarry one day and be happy. My criteria for the new husband is a little lengthy and I joke with her about my required 7 year wait time frame :) I hope you don't think we are crazy reading this. Michelle has been making fun of me lately because I've learned what concoction of meds make loopy to where to she can't get me to be quiet at night. She jokes about how it used to take me a couple of drinks to make me "more social" since I'm generally a quiet person. One of our running jokes is about how she wants me to take Sammy our cat "with me"; you know since we picked out a double lot at the cemetery. Do you think we are crazy yet? Let's see what else is there? I guess there are more things to share but I don't really want you to think we really are crazy. In some ways, we can make some pretty dang on funny Seinfeld episodes around here our real life annoyances.
All in all, I'm happy right now and am in good spirits. I think Michelle is happy right now too, relatively speaking. It's not always like that and every day will have a bad hour or two. The underlying fear is still there. This can change at any moment. I very much crave continued quality time with my family. In reality, I'm still resting in bed most of the day but the quality time is blissful when I'm up to it. Over the holidays, I was given a very cool binder that many friends and family contributed to which included fond memories and lots of funny pictures. It has been very cool to through. It's actually emotional to go through so I interestingly still have a few pages to go; there were over 50 very personalized messages to me. I'm afraid to finish it up. Another cool thing I recently did was my fraternity brothers from UK got a big group of us together surprisingly to me and we got to share a bunch of old stories from back in the day. They shared a beer or few and I had an ice water. I loved my Lambda Chi Alpha days. One of my fondest memories was spending time in the Dean's office trying to explain why we deserved to stay on campus after going through some of the very normal fraternity occurrences. We were kicked out of our fraternity house for 6 months just 3 days before I took over presidency. I was successful in persuading the dean to let us back in the fraternity house by promising to never party again and that we didn't haze. I guess I could have done an entire post on fun memories from those days but I have to keep in mind that my mom still reads this blog. Another fond memory of the last few weeks include going through the hundreds of photographs my mom has of me growing up. If you haven't done that in a while, I recommend you do that.
I am still amazed at the vast amount of support we get from friends and family. It all is very humbling and in some ways hard to accept. I've always liked to be generous and give and that can make it hard. We get messages all the time about how much of an impact our situation has made in their lives. It's satisfying to see there is so much love in the world these days. Crappy situations do bring out the best in people, it's brought out the best in our family.
I had an important though to post here but I need to better figure out a way to say it. To be continued... (I'll continue what I wanted to say here in another post)
My lack of health news has made things pretty normal BUT life is still far from normal. I've driven my car about twice in the last 30 days. I don't feel comfortable driving, it's an odd feeling and it's not easy to admit. I feel trapped when I'm not able to jump in my car and run an errand. I have to recruit friends sometimes to take me to the store or to get my haircut. I hate having to do that. Michelle does plenty of driving. I hate having to force all of the family driving on her. I don't really like riding in a car these days either. I don't like the back roads, I don't like going too fast. I get really light headed in the car and it can make me sick. We've got my car lined up and ready to be sold to my brother in law; it's just sitting in the driveway these days. The driving issue is just one of life's oddities these days. Other thoughts that go through my head these days are mind boggling. For example, I needed shampoo the other day, do I buy the travel size or the small bottle? I don't have much hair but this is a stupid question. Another example: I had a coupon where I got a nice discount for buying 2 sticks of deodorant; I had to ask myself if I really needed that other stick. I went through a recent debate on my new tv for the bedroom which was my only "desire" for Christmas and rationalized that if my wife did not like it, she had 90 days to take it back. These questions bother me and probably should bother me more but they are my new mindset. I'll reiterate I still want to be on the this face of the earth very long assuming I continue to feel good like I do right now. The conversations in this house would baffle you. Michelle and I sometimes joke about her next husband. Again, not a normal discussion, but we don't shy away from anything. Every conversation is fair game. I want her to remarry one day and be happy. My criteria for the new husband is a little lengthy and I joke with her about my required 7 year wait time frame :) I hope you don't think we are crazy reading this. Michelle has been making fun of me lately because I've learned what concoction of meds make loopy to where to she can't get me to be quiet at night. She jokes about how it used to take me a couple of drinks to make me "more social" since I'm generally a quiet person. One of our running jokes is about how she wants me to take Sammy our cat "with me"; you know since we picked out a double lot at the cemetery. Do you think we are crazy yet? Let's see what else is there? I guess there are more things to share but I don't really want you to think we really are crazy. In some ways, we can make some pretty dang on funny Seinfeld episodes around here our real life annoyances.
All in all, I'm happy right now and am in good spirits. I think Michelle is happy right now too, relatively speaking. It's not always like that and every day will have a bad hour or two. The underlying fear is still there. This can change at any moment. I very much crave continued quality time with my family. In reality, I'm still resting in bed most of the day but the quality time is blissful when I'm up to it. Over the holidays, I was given a very cool binder that many friends and family contributed to which included fond memories and lots of funny pictures. It has been very cool to through. It's actually emotional to go through so I interestingly still have a few pages to go; there were over 50 very personalized messages to me. I'm afraid to finish it up. Another cool thing I recently did was my fraternity brothers from UK got a big group of us together surprisingly to me and we got to share a bunch of old stories from back in the day. They shared a beer or few and I had an ice water. I loved my Lambda Chi Alpha days. One of my fondest memories was spending time in the Dean's office trying to explain why we deserved to stay on campus after going through some of the very normal fraternity occurrences. We were kicked out of our fraternity house for 6 months just 3 days before I took over presidency. I was successful in persuading the dean to let us back in the fraternity house by promising to never party again and that we didn't haze. I guess I could have done an entire post on fun memories from those days but I have to keep in mind that my mom still reads this blog. Another fond memory of the last few weeks include going through the hundreds of photographs my mom has of me growing up. If you haven't done that in a while, I recommend you do that.
I am still amazed at the vast amount of support we get from friends and family. It all is very humbling and in some ways hard to accept. I've always liked to be generous and give and that can make it hard. We get messages all the time about how much of an impact our situation has made in their lives. It's satisfying to see there is so much love in the world these days. Crappy situations do bring out the best in people, it's brought out the best in our family.
I had an important though to post here but I need to better figure out a way to say it. To be continued... (I'll continue what I wanted to say here in another post)
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
What would this journey be like without God?
I got a close enough taste to that question on New Year's Eve evening. I got so ahead of myself with all the talk of new year resolutions and questions of big plans and the "Happy New Year's!" We stayed in for the night but I ended up on the couch most of the night. We have done well taking one day at a time but I took the whole year in one big panic attack. When I get so overwhelmingly stressed out I get incredibly nausea, the room spins and I feel 1st trimester pregnant (yuck).
I was making a mental list of all the things that would happen in 2012. 1. My husband will die in 2012. 2. Morgan will go to kindergarten and has trouble with transitions 3. potty training Hannah (BY MYSELF!) I hate potty training. 3. Emily will be in 1st grade and have homework, how are we going to manage that in the evenings. 4. weddings by myself, 5. holidays by myself. the list went on and on and on...
Knowing this will (probably) be THE hardest year of my entire life and making a mental list of all the events coming up made me sick. I had myself in such a tither that in 10...9...8...7 --- 3...2...1 was simply a count down to the trip to the bathroom. I can't say that I have never kissing the white throne on New Year's Eve before but those times were for much different reasons.
Plain and simple I hadn't recharged myself in two weeks. With Christmas festivities the first week of the Holiday break and post-Christmas blues and running around with three crazy kids the second week it is no wonder I ended up in a world of hurt for the night. I went from entertaining the kids to, lunches and dinners with friends, to doctors appointments, to staying up late talking to Craig. Not once picking up a devotional, listening to a sermon, not following any of the encouraging blogs I follow, not going to a support group, not taking a break to just do something quiet... so yes I ran myself square into the ground. Not pretty. Not pretty at all.
Monday and today were recharge days. Kids are back at school and I took some time for me and I got a manicure (which turned out to be frustrating - one manicurist that speaks English - just once in a while - that's all I ask!) and today I ran some errands and went to yoga. Starting to really love yoga, honestly I thought it was just a good way to stretch and any beyond that was just for the fruit-cakes out there but I might just be one of those fruit-cakes! It is so wonderful when you go in with the intention to rebuild your strength. Most of the time that I am in there I hear this song playing in the back of my mind. I feel an inch taller when I leave. Love it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6chgnpKmu58
Today I also prayed and prayed and prayed for two things: 1. regain strength and get God back in the center of my focus so that I could be there for my family and 2. for a wonderful old/new friend from high school. I can't go into too many details without his permission but he has been such an encouragement to me over the last couple weeks. It really is a God story (I have at least a million, ask me I LOVE telling them). Couple months ago I was truly sick of this situation talking about it, praying about it even thinking about it. I just needed a break from hearing myself talk about cancer. So I took a break, I read "The Help" rather than self help book or cancer help book. I went to my Facing Adversity group on a Thursday and told them I am truly sick and tired of this... and one guy said that he had started to pray for others when he was sick of himself. It renewed his relationship with God without wallowing in self-pity. So Friday morning I set out to do just that pray for others, stay close to God in conversation but I was DONE talking about cancer. So of course before starting my workday I procrastinated a bit and jumped on facebook. (don't judge, you do it too, don't lie). I saw a link to a story that I couldn't believe. An amazing, encouraging, courageous story of a friend in high school that had faced adversity in the worst kind and overcame (in a BIG way). So I FB emailed him and we began a dialogue back and forth. He is doing great things today and he is putting in a lot of hours (now) but he is walking a wonderfully righteous path and I am praying for him each step of the way. Praying for others has renewed my relationship with God in ways that I couldn't have imagined. So many people have emailed us and said they were praying for us and I have to believe that a part of His plan for this adversity is for each person that prays for us to renew their relationship with Him. It is a Beautiful Thing.
So what would each day of this journey look like without a daily renewal of my relationship with God? Like vomit. (there is no sugar-coating that) I would be terribly nausea ALL the time and probably throwing up most days from the stress. There has been so many times I have asked myself "Why are we so okay?" "Why are we not completely panicked?" "Why is this house not completely falling apart?" Most would say oh they are really religious (yuck!!), it is not that, saying you are a part of one church or the other isn't going to get you any further than believe in nothing at all. Some might say we have an incredible faith...kind of, but it is more than that... it is a relationship... it is conversations... it is renewal each day with God through His gift of the holy spirit. I was reading Kyle Idleman's book "Not a Fan" one night and came upon the chapter on the holy spirit. Let's be brutally honest, I really didn't get the holy spirit until recently. It was explained to me in school, I even went to Holy Trinity for grade school so I was explained the three as one thing but really the concept of the holy spirit is a little hard to get a handle on.
In the book the scene is set in heaven and you are asking Old Testament figures what it was like to be in their journey (example: David, what was it like to defeat a giant?) and they ask you in return these three questions:
Tell me what it is like on earth to have the Holy Spirit living inside you giving you strength when you are weak.
What was it like to live life on earth with the Holy Spirit giving you joy when you're depressed or giving you power to overcome that sin/adversity in your life?
What was it like to have the Holy Spirit giving you directions when you didn't know what to do or where to go?
I know what it is like to have the holy spirit giving me strength, giving me joy, overcoming sin and adversity and directing the decisions. It is like having super-hero powers. Superman can fly, Batman has the bat mobile, Wonder-woman - what did she have besides a good body and nice hair?, spider-man can scale walls with his web-thing. Followers of Jesus Christ have the holy spirit only it is fact not fiction. It is not a comic book or movie, it is real life.
I am not naive to think this will not be THE most difficult year of my life but I am confident in knowing that this past year we are living proof of my favorite scripture Phil 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
That was a lot about me (sorry), here is a running down of the rest of the Merimee crew:
Craig: um inconsistent would be the best word to describe it. Somedays are fine and he feels good and then he gets frustrated that he can't drive b/c of the pain meds. Mostly tired. Lots of naps. He usually picks one mid-day activity and rallies to do that, then he will eat dinner with us and help out with the girls, hang out with the family, read to the Emily and Morgan, Hannah wiggles too much it doens't go well. Then we hang out watching mindless TV or just chatting. We talk late into the night some times.
Emily: She started riding the bus home from school since she started back and she is really excited about this change in transportation. They went to art therapy this past week and she drew two pictures of her and Craig laying in bed watching cartoons and playing games on the iphone or Vtech. She loves her one on one time with him. They are two peas in a pod for sure.
Morgan: She is having a hard figuring out what to ask and some things seem to be bothering her but she doesn't say much. Adores being apart of this family even if she can't figure things out.
Hannah: Is saying a little more. She loves to dance. She has two new teeth so she is up to 10 total. She will come up to squeeze you for no reason at all without asking. I think those are hugs from God since her name means gift from God.
So that is the longest post ever...
Told ya I was recharged! :)
Please keep praying for peace in our house!
And add Pat who works at the Healing Place on your list (please). He is doing good things.
I was making a mental list of all the things that would happen in 2012. 1. My husband will die in 2012. 2. Morgan will go to kindergarten and has trouble with transitions 3. potty training Hannah (BY MYSELF!) I hate potty training. 3. Emily will be in 1st grade and have homework, how are we going to manage that in the evenings. 4. weddings by myself, 5. holidays by myself. the list went on and on and on...
Knowing this will (probably) be THE hardest year of my entire life and making a mental list of all the events coming up made me sick. I had myself in such a tither that in 10...9...8...7 --- 3...2...1 was simply a count down to the trip to the bathroom. I can't say that I have never kissing the white throne on New Year's Eve before but those times were for much different reasons.
Plain and simple I hadn't recharged myself in two weeks. With Christmas festivities the first week of the Holiday break and post-Christmas blues and running around with three crazy kids the second week it is no wonder I ended up in a world of hurt for the night. I went from entertaining the kids to, lunches and dinners with friends, to doctors appointments, to staying up late talking to Craig. Not once picking up a devotional, listening to a sermon, not following any of the encouraging blogs I follow, not going to a support group, not taking a break to just do something quiet... so yes I ran myself square into the ground. Not pretty. Not pretty at all.
Monday and today were recharge days. Kids are back at school and I took some time for me and I got a manicure (which turned out to be frustrating - one manicurist that speaks English - just once in a while - that's all I ask!) and today I ran some errands and went to yoga. Starting to really love yoga, honestly I thought it was just a good way to stretch and any beyond that was just for the fruit-cakes out there but I might just be one of those fruit-cakes! It is so wonderful when you go in with the intention to rebuild your strength. Most of the time that I am in there I hear this song playing in the back of my mind. I feel an inch taller when I leave. Love it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6chgnpKmu58
Today I also prayed and prayed and prayed for two things: 1. regain strength and get God back in the center of my focus so that I could be there for my family and 2. for a wonderful old/new friend from high school. I can't go into too many details without his permission but he has been such an encouragement to me over the last couple weeks. It really is a God story (I have at least a million, ask me I LOVE telling them). Couple months ago I was truly sick of this situation talking about it, praying about it even thinking about it. I just needed a break from hearing myself talk about cancer. So I took a break, I read "The Help" rather than self help book or cancer help book. I went to my Facing Adversity group on a Thursday and told them I am truly sick and tired of this... and one guy said that he had started to pray for others when he was sick of himself. It renewed his relationship with God without wallowing in self-pity. So Friday morning I set out to do just that pray for others, stay close to God in conversation but I was DONE talking about cancer. So of course before starting my workday I procrastinated a bit and jumped on facebook. (don't judge, you do it too, don't lie). I saw a link to a story that I couldn't believe. An amazing, encouraging, courageous story of a friend in high school that had faced adversity in the worst kind and overcame (in a BIG way). So I FB emailed him and we began a dialogue back and forth. He is doing great things today and he is putting in a lot of hours (now) but he is walking a wonderfully righteous path and I am praying for him each step of the way. Praying for others has renewed my relationship with God in ways that I couldn't have imagined. So many people have emailed us and said they were praying for us and I have to believe that a part of His plan for this adversity is for each person that prays for us to renew their relationship with Him. It is a Beautiful Thing.
So what would each day of this journey look like without a daily renewal of my relationship with God? Like vomit. (there is no sugar-coating that) I would be terribly nausea ALL the time and probably throwing up most days from the stress. There has been so many times I have asked myself "Why are we so okay?" "Why are we not completely panicked?" "Why is this house not completely falling apart?" Most would say oh they are really religious (yuck!!), it is not that, saying you are a part of one church or the other isn't going to get you any further than believe in nothing at all. Some might say we have an incredible faith...kind of, but it is more than that... it is a relationship... it is conversations... it is renewal each day with God through His gift of the holy spirit. I was reading Kyle Idleman's book "Not a Fan" one night and came upon the chapter on the holy spirit. Let's be brutally honest, I really didn't get the holy spirit until recently. It was explained to me in school, I even went to Holy Trinity for grade school so I was explained the three as one thing but really the concept of the holy spirit is a little hard to get a handle on.
In the book the scene is set in heaven and you are asking Old Testament figures what it was like to be in their journey (example: David, what was it like to defeat a giant?) and they ask you in return these three questions:
Tell me what it is like on earth to have the Holy Spirit living inside you giving you strength when you are weak.
What was it like to live life on earth with the Holy Spirit giving you joy when you're depressed or giving you power to overcome that sin/adversity in your life?
What was it like to have the Holy Spirit giving you directions when you didn't know what to do or where to go?
I know what it is like to have the holy spirit giving me strength, giving me joy, overcoming sin and adversity and directing the decisions. It is like having super-hero powers. Superman can fly, Batman has the bat mobile, Wonder-woman - what did she have besides a good body and nice hair?, spider-man can scale walls with his web-thing. Followers of Jesus Christ have the holy spirit only it is fact not fiction. It is not a comic book or movie, it is real life.
I am not naive to think this will not be THE most difficult year of my life but I am confident in knowing that this past year we are living proof of my favorite scripture Phil 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
That was a lot about me (sorry), here is a running down of the rest of the Merimee crew:
Craig: um inconsistent would be the best word to describe it. Somedays are fine and he feels good and then he gets frustrated that he can't drive b/c of the pain meds. Mostly tired. Lots of naps. He usually picks one mid-day activity and rallies to do that, then he will eat dinner with us and help out with the girls, hang out with the family, read to the Emily and Morgan, Hannah wiggles too much it doens't go well. Then we hang out watching mindless TV or just chatting. We talk late into the night some times.
Emily: She started riding the bus home from school since she started back and she is really excited about this change in transportation. They went to art therapy this past week and she drew two pictures of her and Craig laying in bed watching cartoons and playing games on the iphone or Vtech. She loves her one on one time with him. They are two peas in a pod for sure.
Morgan: She is having a hard figuring out what to ask and some things seem to be bothering her but she doesn't say much. Adores being apart of this family even if she can't figure things out.
Hannah: Is saying a little more. She loves to dance. She has two new teeth so she is up to 10 total. She will come up to squeeze you for no reason at all without asking. I think those are hugs from God since her name means gift from God.
So that is the longest post ever...
Told ya I was recharged! :)
Please keep praying for peace in our house!
And add Pat who works at the Healing Place on your list (please). He is doing good things.