We won't have results until tomorrow when we visit with Dr. Hamm before the treatment. I was very anxious last time b/c it was the first scan since treatment started but I am not extremely anxious today for some reason. I assume that we are moving in the right direction since Craig is feeling so much better than before and continues to feel good. He hasn't felt the pain in his side for a long while now so we are assuming that the tumor has shrunk. We will know tomorrow for sure.
I will post pictures of Morgan's birthday party soon. It was hard to get some good shots since everyone was bouncing in the bounce-houses and my camera has that focus delay. Great camera, but not good for an active 4 year old. More to come.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Ursula
You know that scene in the movie The Little Mermaid where Ursula the sea witch is trying to capture Ariel's voice in the sea shell? She keeps screaming "Keep Singing! Keep singing!" Ariel sings her little heart out until her voice is gone and her fins turn into feet. Do you know what I am talking about?
Anyway, I feel like Ursula when I tell people to keep praying. Good thing I don't look like her, seriously sea witch cut back on the french fries. But things seem to be going well for Craig so keep praying, it is working. The CT scan is Monday and we need the spots in the liver to be gone and another decrease in the pancreatic tumor size. Well and I have to throw it out there b/c I am an overachiever but wouldn't it be great if it was all gone!!!Unexplainable gone? SO "keep praying!!!! keep praying!!!"
Things are okay. I am .... hmmm I really can't think of an emotion to fill in that blank. tired? no, you can sleep tired off. ticked off? no. in a funk? no you can shake that with some exercise. blah? no, that is kind of like funk you can shake that. I guess I am numb, exhausted, scared, and just kind of here. I did go to see a therapist. Which I am telling you on the blog b/c #1 there is nothing to be ashamed of, #2 b/c it is far less embarrassing to go to see a therapist that to lose your mind in aisle 3 of a Kroger store. (clean up in aisle 3, Michelle is throwing another temper tantrum and her kids are looking at her funny). Anyway. She was very insightful. She is through the counseling center at SECC. We went through a couple bible stories where people were in situations where the weight of the world was on their shoulders and they were in despair. God heard their cry and sent them help. It was a different outlook then a typical "God will give you strength in tough times" outlook. It wasn't let God and the bible help you plow through a tough situation the message was feel your pain and take my tears to God. It was interesting. A little taxing to let myself go down that road of actually digesting the mess that we have in this house. It is one thing to live through a messy situation and another to learn and let the situation make you a better person. This is life-changing. Whether we wanted our life changed or not it is what it is. We wouldn't have a better relationship with God in the end of all this suffering if we just asked to get us through. We have to grow with the situation. I am not really sure what that means. Honestly it has taken me a full 40 hours to get that much into words. This is quite a challenge. I have never been in a situation you couldn't talk your way through until you found a solution. I know talking it out will help me work through the emotions that go along with it but there is really not a solution to this. I am a very problem/solution kind of gal so this is a new way of dealing with something. I don't like it but if this the plan that He has set before us then ... His will be done.... we are trusting that He will be there but wow those are hard words to mean. You can say them all you want but to really mean them... His will be done... that could be messy. It might mean tears, it might mean setting aside time for messiness, it might mean a personal day here and there to sit and be still. It might mean things are not so black and white. yuck. messy. Someone give me a spreadsheet quick! add up numbers... ahhh that makes sense... this mess ....not so much. There is not an excel worksheet on cancer. I don't like that either.
Okay, I am logging off here b/c I am pretty sure this post doesn't make any sense. Hope He knows what I mean. He does, more than I know what I mean.
Oh and prayers for the Clark-Davis family. Little boy Davis is coming into this world tomorrow morning via C-section. Very excited for his entrance. prayers for mom (Sara) and baby brother (name - TBD). ;)
Anyway, I feel like Ursula when I tell people to keep praying. Good thing I don't look like her, seriously sea witch cut back on the french fries. But things seem to be going well for Craig so keep praying, it is working. The CT scan is Monday and we need the spots in the liver to be gone and another decrease in the pancreatic tumor size. Well and I have to throw it out there b/c I am an overachiever but wouldn't it be great if it was all gone!!!Unexplainable gone? SO "keep praying!!!! keep praying!!!"
Things are okay. I am .... hmmm I really can't think of an emotion to fill in that blank. tired? no, you can sleep tired off. ticked off? no. in a funk? no you can shake that with some exercise. blah? no, that is kind of like funk you can shake that. I guess I am numb, exhausted, scared, and just kind of here. I did go to see a therapist. Which I am telling you on the blog b/c #1 there is nothing to be ashamed of, #2 b/c it is far less embarrassing to go to see a therapist that to lose your mind in aisle 3 of a Kroger store. (clean up in aisle 3, Michelle is throwing another temper tantrum and her kids are looking at her funny). Anyway. She was very insightful. She is through the counseling center at SECC. We went through a couple bible stories where people were in situations where the weight of the world was on their shoulders and they were in despair. God heard their cry and sent them help. It was a different outlook then a typical "God will give you strength in tough times" outlook. It wasn't let God and the bible help you plow through a tough situation the message was feel your pain and take my tears to God. It was interesting. A little taxing to let myself go down that road of actually digesting the mess that we have in this house. It is one thing to live through a messy situation and another to learn and let the situation make you a better person. This is life-changing. Whether we wanted our life changed or not it is what it is. We wouldn't have a better relationship with God in the end of all this suffering if we just asked to get us through. We have to grow with the situation. I am not really sure what that means. Honestly it has taken me a full 40 hours to get that much into words. This is quite a challenge. I have never been in a situation you couldn't talk your way through until you found a solution. I know talking it out will help me work through the emotions that go along with it but there is really not a solution to this. I am a very problem/solution kind of gal so this is a new way of dealing with something. I don't like it but if this the plan that He has set before us then ... His will be done.... we are trusting that He will be there but wow those are hard words to mean. You can say them all you want but to really mean them... His will be done... that could be messy. It might mean tears, it might mean setting aside time for messiness, it might mean a personal day here and there to sit and be still. It might mean things are not so black and white. yuck. messy. Someone give me a spreadsheet quick! add up numbers... ahhh that makes sense... this mess ....not so much. There is not an excel worksheet on cancer. I don't like that either.
Okay, I am logging off here b/c I am pretty sure this post doesn't make any sense. Hope He knows what I mean. He does, more than I know what I mean.
Oh and prayers for the Clark-Davis family. Little boy Davis is coming into this world tomorrow morning via C-section. Very excited for his entrance. prayers for mom (Sara) and baby brother (name - TBD). ;)
Sunday, February 20, 2011
My Dad
It's been about 3 1/2 years since my dad passed away but I think of him a lot and I feel he deserves a post. My relationship was extremely close to him. He passed when he was 58 and about the last 10 years of his life were spent trying to recover from a stroke that he never fully recovered from. He got worn down by life and became fraile and very skinny. He had an unhealthy heart that lasted way longer than probably anyone thought. He was actually born with a hole in his heart. When he was in high school, he had open heart surgery and was told he'd probably not live past 20 years of age. I bring all this up about my dad for a couple of reasons. One is the one that gives me hope, that he made it to 58 when he wasn't supposed to go past 20. Totally different problems but none of us no when our expiration date is actually going to be and that gives me hope. Another reason I bring this up about my dad is every time I look in the mirror, I see him. I look a lot like him and unfortunately I'm pretty fraile just like he became. I loved my dad as much as anyone in the world and its good that I think of him all the time. However, he'd be crushed to see the resemblance we have in each other right now. I'm crushed about the resemblance in the sense it just means I'm a little beat up. I know one day we'll get to reunite and that can seem exciting but he's thinking the same thing I am right now. Hold onto dear life and fight for my family. I talked to him tonight while I was doing one of the most peaceful things in the world which is rocking a little baby girl while she fell asleep in my arms. I told him I look forward to seeing him but I've got more important things to do right now. Anyhow, this post is a little overdue for me but it's an important one to me.
On the homefront, we are doing well. I recovered probably quicker than I ever have. Last Friday I got to spend much of the day outside and played with the girls that majority of the afternoon. It was warm enough for me to be outside which was a true blessing. The sun was out half of the day and that was a true blessing. Most importantly, I truly cherished watching the girls play with big smiles on their faces. I got to push the girls on the swings and I lasted about 15 minutes which is actually a pretty good workout when you've got two of them going. I still had to take my 2 hour rest but the rest of the day seemed like an eternity. This weekend is Morgan's first birthday weekend. Her 4th birthday is Tuesday so we celebrated some this weekend and we'll celebrate some more next weekend. She got her Dora bike from mom and dad which is what she had been asking for. Her Uncle Brad come in town from Chicago and got to spend some quality time with the girls and us. Mimi and Gram got to visit with us while we did a birthday dinner for her on Saturday. Morgan enjoyed her weekend and is pumped it's not even her birthday yet.
I'm looking forward to having a whole good week ahead of me this week and hopefully all will go well. I've got a CT scan next Monday the 28th before my next treatment which I'm looking forward to. We have room to be optimistic going into it but we'll have to wait and see. God is doing amazing things in my life right now. If any guys in the area are interested, I'm heading to SECC's Oldham County kickoff for forming Men's groups next Saturday the 26th. If any of you guys out here are interested in checking it out with me, let me know, I'd love to check it out with you. I'm looking forward to the meeting and look forward to further deepening my relationship.
On the homefront, we are doing well. I recovered probably quicker than I ever have. Last Friday I got to spend much of the day outside and played with the girls that majority of the afternoon. It was warm enough for me to be outside which was a true blessing. The sun was out half of the day and that was a true blessing. Most importantly, I truly cherished watching the girls play with big smiles on their faces. I got to push the girls on the swings and I lasted about 15 minutes which is actually a pretty good workout when you've got two of them going. I still had to take my 2 hour rest but the rest of the day seemed like an eternity. This weekend is Morgan's first birthday weekend. Her 4th birthday is Tuesday so we celebrated some this weekend and we'll celebrate some more next weekend. She got her Dora bike from mom and dad which is what she had been asking for. Her Uncle Brad come in town from Chicago and got to spend some quality time with the girls and us. Mimi and Gram got to visit with us while we did a birthday dinner for her on Saturday. Morgan enjoyed her weekend and is pumped it's not even her birthday yet.
I'm looking forward to having a whole good week ahead of me this week and hopefully all will go well. I've got a CT scan next Monday the 28th before my next treatment which I'm looking forward to. We have room to be optimistic going into it but we'll have to wait and see. God is doing amazing things in my life right now. If any guys in the area are interested, I'm heading to SECC's Oldham County kickoff for forming Men's groups next Saturday the 26th. If any of you guys out here are interested in checking it out with me, let me know, I'd love to check it out with you. I'm looking forward to the meeting and look forward to further deepening my relationship.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
thankful thursday
back with bullet points. this post will do me some good right now.
Tonight I am thankful for:
-Starbucks
-my job it is great distraction and the people in my industry are funny (it is a requirement to be sarcastic)
-Grey's
-my house and especially the new hardwood floors
-my friends
-my friends
-my friends
-all the rest of the Craig's organs that don't have cancer
-my girls are so cute
The girls school, Vanguard Acedemy, has been amazingly good to us. They let Hannah go whenever we need her to with no notice. We have dropped them off on days at a moments notice. They have checked in with the girls to make sure they are doing okay in class. Ann and her team have been so good to us. I hope one day we will be able to repay them in some way.
We do have so much to be thankful for.
Sometimes I have to remind myself of that.
Tonight I am thankful for:
-Starbucks
-my job it is great distraction and the people in my industry are funny (it is a requirement to be sarcastic)
-Grey's
-my house and especially the new hardwood floors
-my friends
-my friends
-my friends
-all the rest of the Craig's organs that don't have cancer
-my girls are so cute
The girls school, Vanguard Acedemy, has been amazingly good to us. They let Hannah go whenever we need her to with no notice. We have dropped them off on days at a moments notice. They have checked in with the girls to make sure they are doing okay in class. Ann and her team have been so good to us. I hope one day we will be able to repay them in some way.
We do have so much to be thankful for.
Sometimes I have to remind myself of that.
Pancreatic Action Network asks for your support
http://www.pancan.org/section_get_involved/advocate/advocacy_action_center.php
I hope that I am doing this correctly. There is a bill going through the Senate that has been postponed a couple times and is back up on the agenda.
Click on the above link and urge them all to co-sponsor the Pancreatic Cancer Research & Education Act (S. 362/H.R. 733) without delay. By working together and by building support for this legislation early with the new Congress, we can know, fight and end pancreatic cancer! (cut and paste from an email from pancreatic action network).
general website:
http://www.pancan.org/
There are several charts that illustrate how underfunded this cancer is compared to others.
Thanks for your help.
I hope that I am doing this correctly. There is a bill going through the Senate that has been postponed a couple times and is back up on the agenda.
Click on the above link and urge them all to co-sponsor the Pancreatic Cancer Research & Education Act (S. 362/H.R. 733) without delay. By working together and by building support for this legislation early with the new Congress, we can know, fight and end pancreatic cancer! (cut and paste from an email from pancreatic action network).
general website:
http://www.pancan.org/
There are several charts that illustrate how underfunded this cancer is compared to others.
Thanks for your help.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Treatment Tuesday (#8 of 12)
we are here and that is about it so I am bullet pointing today:
counts: OK accept red blood cells are a little low
solution: adding something that will help that (forgot the name) and decreasing the chemo by 25%
tumor marker: taken next time when we see the doc
next CT: two weeks from yesterday
overall attitude about situation: positive
today's mood: yuck
He hates getting "beat up" every other week and it is a mentally draining to sign yourself up to feel like crap for a couple days even if the overall goal is a good one.
Martial status: struggling (everyone has struggles but you throw cancer on top and they are magnfied) nothing to worry about, just pray for peace.
that's it for now.
counts: OK accept red blood cells are a little low
solution: adding something that will help that (forgot the name) and decreasing the chemo by 25%
tumor marker: taken next time when we see the doc
next CT: two weeks from yesterday
overall attitude about situation: positive
today's mood: yuck
He hates getting "beat up" every other week and it is a mentally draining to sign yourself up to feel like crap for a couple days even if the overall goal is a good one.
Martial status: struggling (everyone has struggles but you throw cancer on top and they are magnfied) nothing to worry about, just pray for peace.
that's it for now.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Some random thoughts
1. I feel very positive right now, almost too positive which scares the heck out of me.
2. I'm lucky this chemo is working so far, I'm in the minority.
3. My sister's friend at Southwest gave me a buddy pass which is good for a free roundtrip flight anywhere Southwest goes. I'm not going anywhere right now but it feels good I have a little slip laying on my dresser that can get me the heck out of here and on a warm beach in just a couple of hours whenever I want.
4. My biggest thing to look forward is a family vacation to Hilton Head which I pray everyday I'm healthy enough to do this summer.
5. I told Michelle I have to get to Wrigley Field this summer. I again pray for a good summer.
6. Morgan's B-Day is in 9 days; the girls' birthdays are a yearning of mine.
7. Tomorrow our blog will get it's 45,000th hit, that's a lot of love and we feel it. I hope you are the lucky one.
8. I'm watching The Great Outdoors right now, classic movie.
9. I'm looking forward to 2 family weddings this September, again, need good health.
10. I'm not looking forward to Tuesday for next treatment but am looking forward to my next CT scan on Feb 28th.
God is still working miraculously in my life and I hope He is in yours.
2. I'm lucky this chemo is working so far, I'm in the minority.
3. My sister's friend at Southwest gave me a buddy pass which is good for a free roundtrip flight anywhere Southwest goes. I'm not going anywhere right now but it feels good I have a little slip laying on my dresser that can get me the heck out of here and on a warm beach in just a couple of hours whenever I want.
4. My biggest thing to look forward is a family vacation to Hilton Head which I pray everyday I'm healthy enough to do this summer.
5. I told Michelle I have to get to Wrigley Field this summer. I again pray for a good summer.
6. Morgan's B-Day is in 9 days; the girls' birthdays are a yearning of mine.
7. Tomorrow our blog will get it's 45,000th hit, that's a lot of love and we feel it. I hope you are the lucky one.
8. I'm watching The Great Outdoors right now, classic movie.
9. I'm looking forward to 2 family weddings this September, again, need good health.
10. I'm not looking forward to Tuesday for next treatment but am looking forward to my next CT scan on Feb 28th.
God is still working miraculously in my life and I hope He is in yours.
Friday, February 11, 2011
thankful thursday (on friday morning)
So many things to be thankful for. I have a VERY clean house. Some wonderful angel sent me a gift certificate for a 2-hour house cleaning. The crew came on Tuesday. This house has never been so clean. I didn't want to use the microwave it was so clean. So the agency called this morning to make sure everything went okay and said that this angel has provided this service once a month! WHAT! Once a month!!! I just sat there at the kitchen table in shocked. shocked. Once a month! It wasn't an inexpensive service. Tears at the breakfast table. I have tried to guess who could be this kind to us? With all the meals that come in and the prayers and now this has been provided b/c of the wonderful people. The biggest blessing is the list that goes through my mind of he potential people that could have done this for us. God has provided an unbelievable support system for us. Thank you!!!!!!
I am so thankful for my friends. There are people that help me DAILY! Special thanks to my former assistant, now wonderful friend, Emily who watched he girls last night while Craig and I went to the Overcoming Adversity group at SECC. Emily, they love you. Morgan was in a great mood this morning. And their braids look great. thanks. ;)
I am so thankful for Southeast and its many blessings it has provided. Last night as Craig spoke at the group there were people that poured out there stories of ways God has provided in their lives. They GET IT. God has the ability to let peace and joy in the house even in this situation. He can make that CT scan clear and that is our prayer. It is not too much for Him. He has been with each of he rotten situations described in that room and He is the answer.
thank you for the prayers.
Also please add a family to the list. I found a cancer blog awhile back and I have been following their story. They also have three kids (they even have an Emily). The wife has battled ovarian cancer for four years. She has decided against any further treatment after much prayer. She is letting go and letting God. Please pray for peace in their home. They are an inspiration and we pray for their family in the upcoming weeks. Add Kristi and Brian and kids to the list.
Looking forward to the warmer weather next week.
I am so thankful for my friends. There are people that help me DAILY! Special thanks to my former assistant, now wonderful friend, Emily who watched he girls last night while Craig and I went to the Overcoming Adversity group at SECC. Emily, they love you. Morgan was in a great mood this morning. And their braids look great. thanks. ;)
I am so thankful for Southeast and its many blessings it has provided. Last night as Craig spoke at the group there were people that poured out there stories of ways God has provided in their lives. They GET IT. God has the ability to let peace and joy in the house even in this situation. He can make that CT scan clear and that is our prayer. It is not too much for Him. He has been with each of he rotten situations described in that room and He is the answer.
thank you for the prayers.
Also please add a family to the list. I found a cancer blog awhile back and I have been following their story. They also have three kids (they even have an Emily). The wife has battled ovarian cancer for four years. She has decided against any further treatment after much prayer. She is letting go and letting God. Please pray for peace in their home. They are an inspiration and we pray for their family in the upcoming weeks. Add Kristi and Brian and kids to the list.
Looking forward to the warmer weather next week.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
On the positive
I have been having some really good days this week and feel like I have tons of things to talk about that are on my mind. I'm about the most positive I've been this week mainly because I'm feeling good. I like being positive, I may still shed a tear each day but it is for joy, I'm a little emotional still. I had 2 good lunches this week with ole work buddies that was a little overdue. Work is something that I think about a lot because I've now been 4 months removed from doing it. I miss a lot people and those relationships that I had formed over the 10 years I have been at BB&T (my 10 year anniversary was the day I checked into the hospital). I've been trying to find the right time to poke my head in a meeting to say hi but haven't the opportunity and unfortunately the schedules don't always jive. I also think about how much I want to get back to work but am scared for that day. I miss work in the sense that my worries were work worries but they weren't life worries. I hope I get back sometime this summer which means I'm feeling good, it means I'm in shape. I'm also scared as heck to when/if that day comes just because I envision myself to be overcome emotionally of just making it back to work. I'm worried I'll be fit emotionally and physically to take it's normal toll from the day. My best days now I still take a 2 hour nap in the afternoon so I can't even imagine right now that I may someday have the ability to work a full day. I'll have to get my strength built back up. I'd need to gain about 15 lbs at least, my little secret now that I won't share with you the number, I don't weigh much, at all. I've lost about 40 lbs total. My other problem with going back to work is I'd need a total wardrobe overhaul. All this being said, I hope I can make it back to work.
In another thought, my blessing I realized I'm not the most grateful for but will take on is my "taking one for the team." I spoke up at a church group function tonight about overcoming adversity, for example, and my story is a quite compelling one that usually puts things in perspective pretty quickly. I've had many people that have shared with me that my story has put things in their own life in "perspective." In this sense, I don't mind taking one for the team and I've mentioned before that sometimes I wonder if this is a reason I was given this disease. I've got a quite compelling story to share. I found one stat on the internet from the cancer institute that 0.4% of those folks diagnosed with pancreatic cancer are 34 and below. That's pretty bad luck on my part. I am the extreme minority of this horrible disease. I still take some solace in knowing that my body is/was in better shape than most of my unfortunate comrades. Anyhow, if my story makes you view things in a different light, I don't mind and I'll "take one for the team."
Lastly, the biggest point I emphasized in my church group tonight is that the power of prayer is powerful. I feel the prayers from people in different parts of the country and from here. A lot of folks ask what they can do or have the desire to do something for me. One of the most powerful things you can do for me is to pray for myself and importantly my family. This also means having a conversation with God about the miracle we are asking for. We believe that God can do anything and can make this happen.
In another thought, my blessing I realized I'm not the most grateful for but will take on is my "taking one for the team." I spoke up at a church group function tonight about overcoming adversity, for example, and my story is a quite compelling one that usually puts things in perspective pretty quickly. I've had many people that have shared with me that my story has put things in their own life in "perspective." In this sense, I don't mind taking one for the team and I've mentioned before that sometimes I wonder if this is a reason I was given this disease. I've got a quite compelling story to share. I found one stat on the internet from the cancer institute that 0.4% of those folks diagnosed with pancreatic cancer are 34 and below. That's pretty bad luck on my part. I am the extreme minority of this horrible disease. I still take some solace in knowing that my body is/was in better shape than most of my unfortunate comrades. Anyhow, if my story makes you view things in a different light, I don't mind and I'll "take one for the team."
Lastly, the biggest point I emphasized in my church group tonight is that the power of prayer is powerful. I feel the prayers from people in different parts of the country and from here. A lot of folks ask what they can do or have the desire to do something for me. One of the most powerful things you can do for me is to pray for myself and importantly my family. This also means having a conversation with God about the miracle we are asking for. We believe that God can do anything and can make this happen.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
comments
People have emailed that they can't leave comments any more. I am not sure why but I am looking into it. This blogger thing has about a billion setting options and it is like reading a legal document.
If some professional blogger has any advice email me.
We are doing pretty good. Craig is feeling good and meeting some peeps for lunches this week. I wish he had some volunteer work or something that he liked to do. He was such a worker bee at the bank before all this cancer crap went down. I don't see him breaking out the soccer ball any time soon, and you can only watch so much sports on ESPN so he is kind of stuck sometimes in between treatments. He is not a big reader either. Whatever, he will get through but he is feeling pretty darn good.
Hannah is trying to crawl much to her mama's dismay. The first baby you are so excited to see what they can do. But by the third you know what they can do and get into and most the time you are not looking. I was on a call yesterday and Hannah got into a whole box of tissues. I don't know what the deal is with tissues but all my kids have thought that was the thrill of a lifetime taking all the tissues out of the box and making a pile next to them. Oh and she was chewing a piece like gum. Anyway she is scooting backwards and she gets stuck under furniture. fun stuff.
Anyway there is not much to report. Craziness at work. Emily is doing great. All the sudden she is a grown up. Gets dressed on her own in the morning, all homework for the week is complete on Monday night. Craziness. She talks and walks like a girl not a preschool. Insane.
Morgan is still having her ups and downs but day by day we are working through some of them.
We were reading through good ole Love scripture (love is patient, love is kind...) at the dinner table and it went fine last night and tonight every time I started to read Hannah (7 months, keep in mind) would let out a holler and then laugh. So much for getting through that little exercise to prep for Valentine's Day. What a goofy kid (already).
I am still irritated but not quite as bad as last week. This week I was wondering WHY? Why couldn't this be a liver disease that is controlled by diet or Hep A or B. Those are all diseases that might cause jaundice (which was the deciding symptom in seeking medical help). Why this mess? Is there another option here that we can could from the google list?
I finished my book but I think I am going to read it over and over and over.
I started it over last night after I had thought about the diagnosis yesterday. I felt like I was moving backwards. I think I went straight to acceptance and now I am going back through the stages of grief. off track... so I started the book over and the last line of the first chapter reads:
"More important than the question "why" is "who." Whom do we trust? Whom do we run to when life is unbearable? We are finally led not the the answer but to the Answerer."
(Living with Thorns Mary Ann Froehlich)
Yep, just what I needed. I doesn't matter the answer to "why," we will never get that answer but "Who" does matter.
I really want to plan something fun. I am so tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is hard to shake the 6 months thing. It feels like we are bound to this prognosis even though Dr. Hamm lifted it. It is still hard to make plans. You want to throw something out there but really who knows where we will be in 3 months, 6 months, a year.
ugh.
Wish I could get a dose of Kim, that nurse in the recover room when Craig had his port placed. She kept saying you just have to keep moving. Keep making plans. This is your life. These doctors don't know everything. Wish I had her on tape. I don't want to visit the hospital again to run into her (you have to be careful what you wish for) but just to hear her perspective again would be good. We are just in a "now what?" spot, but you don't even want to ask the question "now what?" b/c since October it really hasn't been great answers.
Uplifting? No?
Well I have to go to bed.
At least the CATS won tonight. Can't stand that orange. Don't all you TN friends post a bunch of goofy UT comments.
GO Cats!! and GO away cancer!
If some professional blogger has any advice email me.
We are doing pretty good. Craig is feeling good and meeting some peeps for lunches this week. I wish he had some volunteer work or something that he liked to do. He was such a worker bee at the bank before all this cancer crap went down. I don't see him breaking out the soccer ball any time soon, and you can only watch so much sports on ESPN so he is kind of stuck sometimes in between treatments. He is not a big reader either. Whatever, he will get through but he is feeling pretty darn good.
Hannah is trying to crawl much to her mama's dismay. The first baby you are so excited to see what they can do. But by the third you know what they can do and get into and most the time you are not looking. I was on a call yesterday and Hannah got into a whole box of tissues. I don't know what the deal is with tissues but all my kids have thought that was the thrill of a lifetime taking all the tissues out of the box and making a pile next to them. Oh and she was chewing a piece like gum. Anyway she is scooting backwards and she gets stuck under furniture. fun stuff.
Anyway there is not much to report. Craziness at work. Emily is doing great. All the sudden she is a grown up. Gets dressed on her own in the morning, all homework for the week is complete on Monday night. Craziness. She talks and walks like a girl not a preschool. Insane.
Morgan is still having her ups and downs but day by day we are working through some of them.
We were reading through good ole Love scripture (love is patient, love is kind...) at the dinner table and it went fine last night and tonight every time I started to read Hannah (7 months, keep in mind) would let out a holler and then laugh. So much for getting through that little exercise to prep for Valentine's Day. What a goofy kid (already).
I am still irritated but not quite as bad as last week. This week I was wondering WHY? Why couldn't this be a liver disease that is controlled by diet or Hep A or B. Those are all diseases that might cause jaundice (which was the deciding symptom in seeking medical help). Why this mess? Is there another option here that we can could from the google list?
I finished my book but I think I am going to read it over and over and over.
I started it over last night after I had thought about the diagnosis yesterday. I felt like I was moving backwards. I think I went straight to acceptance and now I am going back through the stages of grief. off track... so I started the book over and the last line of the first chapter reads:
"More important than the question "why" is "who." Whom do we trust? Whom do we run to when life is unbearable? We are finally led not the the answer but to the Answerer."
(Living with Thorns Mary Ann Froehlich)
Yep, just what I needed. I doesn't matter the answer to "why," we will never get that answer but "Who" does matter.
I really want to plan something fun. I am so tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is hard to shake the 6 months thing. It feels like we are bound to this prognosis even though Dr. Hamm lifted it. It is still hard to make plans. You want to throw something out there but really who knows where we will be in 3 months, 6 months, a year.
ugh.
Wish I could get a dose of Kim, that nurse in the recover room when Craig had his port placed. She kept saying you just have to keep moving. Keep making plans. This is your life. These doctors don't know everything. Wish I had her on tape. I don't want to visit the hospital again to run into her (you have to be careful what you wish for) but just to hear her perspective again would be good. We are just in a "now what?" spot, but you don't even want to ask the question "now what?" b/c since October it really hasn't been great answers.
Uplifting? No?
Well I have to go to bed.
At least the CATS won tonight. Can't stand that orange. Don't all you TN friends post a bunch of goofy UT comments.
GO Cats!! and GO away cancer!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Just irritated
I have been irritated this week. just irritated. I am ticked I can't rely on people that should be reliable. I am irritated that Craig is on and off. I know that I should be thankful for the good days. I know that. I am irritated when people post stupid complaints on facebook. Don't do that. I will call you out. I will ask to trade places and you will delete the post b/c you were embarrassed. save yourself, mama is on the war-path.
I am irritated that people think this is just peachy-keen b/c the numbers are going in the right direction. That doesn't take away from the fact there is cancer in the house. You can't live and die by the numbers. His numbers were good a couple weeks back and the nurse in the ER looked at him and thought it was the beginning of the end. Don't tell me to be thankful for the good numbers. I am irritated by chemo fog. (grrr... this one makes me crazy). I am irritated that we found solutions to digestive issues and Dr. Hamm says "hmmm that makes sense" Oh yeah, if it make so much sense why didn't you come up with it when we were in panic mode?! There are scars left from weeks of worry that are not eliminated b/c a stupid tumor marker that is going in the right direction. There are memories of weeks of horror that are not erased by a couple good days and a quicker recovery from a chemo treatment.
I have a 3 year old that has anxiety. Does she have anxiety b/c her dad is sick? Is she anxious b/c she is a middle child? Is she ticked off b/c the newness of Hannah has worn off and Hannah gets a lot of attention? Is she mad b/c Emily doesn't go to Michelle's house on Thursdays any more? Is she upset b/c Emily can practically read and she compares herself to Emily? I don't know but it is irritating not knowing what to do.
I am just irritated. I am ticked off that sometimes it is just easier to take the girls out by myself b/c it is less stressful then checking in with Craig every 15 minutes to see if he is too tired for the next stop. I am just irritated.
I am irritated that I can't be the friend that I once was. I am irritated that I get off the phone with friends and think, why in the world would some want to be my friend through this? I am Debbie the Downer ever time I am on the phone. I try to keep an upbeat attitude but sometimes the simple facts of the situation are just crap. They are hard to say. They are probably harder to hear. I hate this. I use to be a fun person.
Being irritated doesn't mean that I don't have faith that God is right here either. I know He is here with us each step of the way. I know that He directs the sails.
You can have faith, real faith and still be irritated in a crummy situation. Having faith doesn't mean the you blow sunshine in every direction all the time. That is not what faith is.
So when people ask how are we doing. We are doing fine. And we really are. Today we took the girls to Puzzles Fun Dome with all the bounce houses and they had a blast. Craig and I went to dinner tonight. We are functioning and really doing fine. The house may not be as clean as it should and I sometime can't always figure what is wrong with my girls but that is all normal. And yes Craig's cancer numbers are going in the right direct so we are just freakin' fine!!
This post sounds like I am throwing things and yelling and I am not. I am just irritated. Not mad. Not upset. Not crying. Not screaming. Not red faced. Not short tempered. Not in a state of despair or depression.
Just irritated.
Please don't take this the wrong way. I am extremely thankful for those who support and pray for us everyday. I am not sure what we would do without the blessing we see everyday.
I am just irritated.
I am irritated that people think this is just peachy-keen b/c the numbers are going in the right direction. That doesn't take away from the fact there is cancer in the house. You can't live and die by the numbers. His numbers were good a couple weeks back and the nurse in the ER looked at him and thought it was the beginning of the end. Don't tell me to be thankful for the good numbers. I am irritated by chemo fog. (grrr... this one makes me crazy). I am irritated that we found solutions to digestive issues and Dr. Hamm says "hmmm that makes sense" Oh yeah, if it make so much sense why didn't you come up with it when we were in panic mode?! There are scars left from weeks of worry that are not eliminated b/c a stupid tumor marker that is going in the right direction. There are memories of weeks of horror that are not erased by a couple good days and a quicker recovery from a chemo treatment.
I have a 3 year old that has anxiety. Does she have anxiety b/c her dad is sick? Is she anxious b/c she is a middle child? Is she ticked off b/c the newness of Hannah has worn off and Hannah gets a lot of attention? Is she mad b/c Emily doesn't go to Michelle's house on Thursdays any more? Is she upset b/c Emily can practically read and she compares herself to Emily? I don't know but it is irritating not knowing what to do.
I am just irritated. I am ticked off that sometimes it is just easier to take the girls out by myself b/c it is less stressful then checking in with Craig every 15 minutes to see if he is too tired for the next stop. I am just irritated.
I am irritated that I can't be the friend that I once was. I am irritated that I get off the phone with friends and think, why in the world would some want to be my friend through this? I am Debbie the Downer ever time I am on the phone. I try to keep an upbeat attitude but sometimes the simple facts of the situation are just crap. They are hard to say. They are probably harder to hear. I hate this. I use to be a fun person.
Being irritated doesn't mean that I don't have faith that God is right here either. I know He is here with us each step of the way. I know that He directs the sails.
You can have faith, real faith and still be irritated in a crummy situation. Having faith doesn't mean the you blow sunshine in every direction all the time. That is not what faith is.
So when people ask how are we doing. We are doing fine. And we really are. Today we took the girls to Puzzles Fun Dome with all the bounce houses and they had a blast. Craig and I went to dinner tonight. We are functioning and really doing fine. The house may not be as clean as it should and I sometime can't always figure what is wrong with my girls but that is all normal. And yes Craig's cancer numbers are going in the right direct so we are just freakin' fine!!
This post sounds like I am throwing things and yelling and I am not. I am just irritated. Not mad. Not upset. Not crying. Not screaming. Not red faced. Not short tempered. Not in a state of despair or depression.
Just irritated.
Please don't take this the wrong way. I am extremely thankful for those who support and pray for us everyday. I am not sure what we would do without the blessing we see everyday.
I am just irritated.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
thankful thursday
I saw on another blog thankful Thursday. Every Thursday she makes a list of things she is thankful for.
today I am thankful for so much. I have an amazing circle of friends that are ridiculously reliable. I am thankful for friends that I are strong enough to have tough conversations. I am thankful for a mom that loves my girls. I am thankful for a brother than adores my girls. I am thankful for my husband's cancer numbers going in the right direction. I am thankful for my home. I am thankful for the soldiers that fight for our freedom. I am thankful for a church that is amazing. I am thankful for a loving husband. I am thankful for a challenging job. I am thankful for pretty little girls.
I am most thankful for a God is always there.
I pray that tomorrow is a good day for Craig tomorrow and then we can be thankful for a good day.
today I am thankful for so much. I have an amazing circle of friends that are ridiculously reliable. I am thankful for friends that I are strong enough to have tough conversations. I am thankful for a mom that loves my girls. I am thankful for a brother than adores my girls. I am thankful for my husband's cancer numbers going in the right direction. I am thankful for my home. I am thankful for the soldiers that fight for our freedom. I am thankful for a church that is amazing. I am thankful for a loving husband. I am thankful for a challenging job. I am thankful for pretty little girls.
I am most thankful for a God is always there.
I pray that tomorrow is a good day for Craig tomorrow and then we can be thankful for a good day.
Trying to keep from going crazy
After my treatments, I'm very tired and today I probably spent 80% of the day laying in my bed. This will drive you crazy. My big movement today was riding in the car to go pick the girls up from school and the sitter. That's why I am on here. I have to consciously find something to do to keep me busy or to give me an excuse from laying in bed because it's hard to get motivated to do something. Jumping on here takes some effort on my part. I'll only sleep so long through the night so I generally try to keep myself up until 11. I also just found out that Michelle wanted to blog tonight and she wants me to stop. I'll wrap up quickly Michelle. Anyhow, hopefully I'll be bouncing back tomorrow and I'll survive if it is not until Saturday. I'm looking forward to hopefully a good week next week and then (maybe) just 5 more treatments of this fun stuff. The doctor said if everything seems to be good after my treatments that it is reasonable I'll be able to live life without treatments which means I can maybe live life and get stamina built back up. This would also scare me though too not taking anything so we'll be seeking a few opinions on best plan of action. Hopefully I'm not getting ahead of myself either here so maybe I should stop planning my months from now. I've killed enough time on here now so I think I'm going to start the bedtime process. God bless!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Treatment #7 and tumor marker
We are down here at treatment #7 and things are fine.
Counts are fine.
The tumor marker is slightly down to 71 from 78.
We wanted a bigger jump than this but it is none the less a decrease.
They said it was nothing to be concerned about.
We saw Dr. Ham today and he is pleased with his progress and is glad to see that he has felt good.
I did ask about prognosis and if his progress overall changes that number and Dr. Hamm seemed pleased to say that since Craig is in the minority of people that respond to the treatment that it did change his overall prognosis. He wouldn't put months or years on the success but he did say it doesn't look like we are going to hit a brick wall with this treatment. The cancer is responding well and therefore there isn't the expiration date of April 4th looming out there.
We also inquired about exercise or physical therapy. Dr. Hamm said that basic cardio would probably do a lot of good for energy etc. It will be easier when it warms up to get out and about but the treadmill will do until then. Maybe some family bikes in the spring would be fun. :)
Karen is our RN again. Love her.
God has blessed us with great people around us and good results so far.
His love is sufficient for whatever lies ahead.
Counts are fine.
The tumor marker is slightly down to 71 from 78.
We wanted a bigger jump than this but it is none the less a decrease.
They said it was nothing to be concerned about.
We saw Dr. Ham today and he is pleased with his progress and is glad to see that he has felt good.
I did ask about prognosis and if his progress overall changes that number and Dr. Hamm seemed pleased to say that since Craig is in the minority of people that respond to the treatment that it did change his overall prognosis. He wouldn't put months or years on the success but he did say it doesn't look like we are going to hit a brick wall with this treatment. The cancer is responding well and therefore there isn't the expiration date of April 4th looming out there.
We also inquired about exercise or physical therapy. Dr. Hamm said that basic cardio would probably do a lot of good for energy etc. It will be easier when it warms up to get out and about but the treadmill will do until then. Maybe some family bikes in the spring would be fun. :)
Karen is our RN again. Love her.
God has blessed us with great people around us and good results so far.
His love is sufficient for whatever lies ahead.