It's about 9:30 in the evening and I'm counting down to about 10:15 when I can take my ambien and go to sleep. Michelle has come down with a pretty bad cold and she has been on the couch for an hour now trying to fight what she has with some sleepy cold medicine. I guess it's not the New Year's Eve you dream about but we are all here ready to live a new day and a new year for that matter. I'm ready for what 2011 has to bring us and I'm still optimistic it will be a good year all things considered. I'm watching the South Carolina game right now and I can't help but think of our affectionate vacation spot of Hilton Head. How I would love to get back there with the family this summer and hopefully with some friends again. I don't know what's in store but the beach sounds really nice right now. I still have a lot to be thankful for this past year including the special gift of our baby girl Hannah. She has been a blessing from day one; not another kid to take care of but truly a blessing with free smiles all day long.
I often wonder why I ended up with this crap hand I was given. Sometimes I think it's just a warning to everyone I love and know that life is precious and to take advantage of what life has to offer. If that's the case, it makes it worth it, all things considered to an extent. A lot of people tell me they push themselves because they know they can deal with whatever they are dealing with because of what I'm going through. That's fine and I'm glad and want to push people to stay the course. It actually pushes me because I know a lot of people look towards me to keep fighting. I'm still thankful for the good news the doc gave me just to let me know things were getting better and not worse. I needed that news because I didn't know what was going on inside of me. 3 months is a milestone for this disease and I was worried I'd be in that first group that doesn't make it to far out of the gate. I feel like I have time and can beat this. I'm not worried if this is "the month" anymore. I'm kind of glad I don't have any big tests for a little while so I can ride this momentum and stay positive.
Lastly, my new years resolution is to pray better and more consistently. I have a lot of conversations with God daily but I want to get better. This probably means more consistency when I wake up and when I go to bed. I hope everyone has a great new year however you are spending it. Please know I still appreciate all of the prayers and support from so many of you. God bless.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
thankful thursday
Craig is extremely tired. He seemed more tired during this treatment than any other one in the past (minus the first one). In the doctor's office he slept most of the time we were there and normally he just sleeps about an hour before lunch and then watches a movie during the second drug. At home he is sleeping a lot. He said that he felt like it was a Friday after treatment rather than the Thursday which meant he was extra tired. I am hoping it just means that he was tired from the holidays going into the treatment rather than a cumulative effect now that we are almost to the halfway mark. Maybe he is getting tired quicker so that he can get to feeling better quicker, maybe?
I went into the office today for a half day and then wandered around the mall since I knew the girls were having a blast at Michelle's house today. I haven't walked the mall in years. I felt like a normal person. I got a bunch of little things done while I was running around without kids. After we got home we decided to take down the Christmas decoration outside since it was in the 40s. The girls drove the Barbie Jeep up and down the driveway while I took down the lights. We got everything down except the blow up Santa who was wet and is on the porch drying. Then we decided to get everything in the house put away. They worked so hard tonight it is ridiculous. They took all the non-glass ornaments off the tree, then we ate dinner, they set the table and cleared, then when I was getting Hannah to bed they swaps the loads of laundry out, after I got Hannah down for the night they helped get the lights off the tree and then helped carry each branch downstairs to be stored in the basement. I am pretty sure I broke every child labor law in the state of Kentucky. They never complained and were the best little helpers. Honestly I probably wouldn't have gotten it done all in one night without their help. I am glad that I bought them dresses as Gymboree, they earned them for sure. It amazes me all they can do. They are just 3 (4 in Feb.) and 5. I am unbelievably blessed.
We have really pulled together when Craig is down. We have great girl power in this house. It is really wonderful. They bring me such joy and not just b/c they are cheap help but we really have fun getting it all done together. The other night we made banana bread muffins and then they cleaned the kitchen. They do a really good job too. Crazy little helpers. Once Hannah can walk I am sure she will join in.
Today was good. Yesterday I spent the majority of the day trying not to fall apart. I did get some work done and that is a great distraction but I kept going over something that the RN said on Tuesday. She was talking about a success story of a cancer patient that did great on his chemo. It was a similar story to Craig and he fought it for 10 years. That is great, right? Yes of course, 10 years is better than the 6 months he was handed in October but when I do the math in my head I will have a 15 year old, a 14 year old, and a 10 year old. Doesn't sounds like a big success then does it? Raising teens on my own? Dealing with the grief of three teenagers during the most hormonal years we live together, not so much. I have to think that they will come up with a cure if he just hangs on that long. Or best case scenario this six months of chemo just gets rid of it and we are cancer-free forever more, 100 years. Stranger things have happened. I am going to hang on to that hope for a while and take the blessing as they come.
I have to write a quick note of a couple thank yous. We are soooooo far behind on the thank you notes right now. I know that I am going to forget something but thanks to all those who have made dinners. They are so appreciated and every one of them have been so good. Yum! This week was Ives beef stew and Nikki's chicken and dumplings, so darn good.
Oldham County Chamber did a fundraiser for us. The money has been tucked in an account for the future. If we ever need to travel to a bigger cancer campus that is what the money will be used for. thanks so much for giving us the secure that it is sitting there if we need it.
Secret Santa at Vanguard thank you for the game, the girls loved it but the note brought tears to my eyes. For someone to think of us and pray for us is so incredibly touching.
Sheehy friends, this is so late but thank you for the wii accessories and gift card. You really shouldn't have.
Brent - thanks for fixing the garbage disposal, I won't shove that much food down it again.
Girlfriends - thanks for getting me out of here to talk about other things besides cancer. The drinks were tasty too.
There are so many more people that have helped us out, I could dedicate a whole other blog to just the thanks yous.
People ask daily what they can do and the answer is always pray for us. It is wonderful to know that so many people are rooting Craig and our family on in this battle but my fear is to give people something to do and then they forget about us. Like they checked it off their "to do" list. We need prayers. We need our miracle to be a cancer-free home. We need to be that case they can't explain and doesn't follow the typical pancreatic cancer story. So keep praying we really appreciate the support.
I went into the office today for a half day and then wandered around the mall since I knew the girls were having a blast at Michelle's house today. I haven't walked the mall in years. I felt like a normal person. I got a bunch of little things done while I was running around without kids. After we got home we decided to take down the Christmas decoration outside since it was in the 40s. The girls drove the Barbie Jeep up and down the driveway while I took down the lights. We got everything down except the blow up Santa who was wet and is on the porch drying. Then we decided to get everything in the house put away. They worked so hard tonight it is ridiculous. They took all the non-glass ornaments off the tree, then we ate dinner, they set the table and cleared, then when I was getting Hannah to bed they swaps the loads of laundry out, after I got Hannah down for the night they helped get the lights off the tree and then helped carry each branch downstairs to be stored in the basement. I am pretty sure I broke every child labor law in the state of Kentucky. They never complained and were the best little helpers. Honestly I probably wouldn't have gotten it done all in one night without their help. I am glad that I bought them dresses as Gymboree, they earned them for sure. It amazes me all they can do. They are just 3 (4 in Feb.) and 5. I am unbelievably blessed.
We have really pulled together when Craig is down. We have great girl power in this house. It is really wonderful. They bring me such joy and not just b/c they are cheap help but we really have fun getting it all done together. The other night we made banana bread muffins and then they cleaned the kitchen. They do a really good job too. Crazy little helpers. Once Hannah can walk I am sure she will join in.
Today was good. Yesterday I spent the majority of the day trying not to fall apart. I did get some work done and that is a great distraction but I kept going over something that the RN said on Tuesday. She was talking about a success story of a cancer patient that did great on his chemo. It was a similar story to Craig and he fought it for 10 years. That is great, right? Yes of course, 10 years is better than the 6 months he was handed in October but when I do the math in my head I will have a 15 year old, a 14 year old, and a 10 year old. Doesn't sounds like a big success then does it? Raising teens on my own? Dealing with the grief of three teenagers during the most hormonal years we live together, not so much. I have to think that they will come up with a cure if he just hangs on that long. Or best case scenario this six months of chemo just gets rid of it and we are cancer-free forever more, 100 years. Stranger things have happened. I am going to hang on to that hope for a while and take the blessing as they come.
I have to write a quick note of a couple thank yous. We are soooooo far behind on the thank you notes right now. I know that I am going to forget something but thanks to all those who have made dinners. They are so appreciated and every one of them have been so good. Yum! This week was Ives beef stew and Nikki's chicken and dumplings, so darn good.
Oldham County Chamber did a fundraiser for us. The money has been tucked in an account for the future. If we ever need to travel to a bigger cancer campus that is what the money will be used for. thanks so much for giving us the secure that it is sitting there if we need it.
Secret Santa at Vanguard thank you for the game, the girls loved it but the note brought tears to my eyes. For someone to think of us and pray for us is so incredibly touching.
Sheehy friends, this is so late but thank you for the wii accessories and gift card. You really shouldn't have.
Brent - thanks for fixing the garbage disposal, I won't shove that much food down it again.
Girlfriends - thanks for getting me out of here to talk about other things besides cancer. The drinks were tasty too.
There are so many more people that have helped us out, I could dedicate a whole other blog to just the thanks yous.
People ask daily what they can do and the answer is always pray for us. It is wonderful to know that so many people are rooting Craig and our family on in this battle but my fear is to give people something to do and then they forget about us. Like they checked it off their "to do" list. We need prayers. We need our miracle to be a cancer-free home. We need to be that case they can't explain and doesn't follow the typical pancreatic cancer story. So keep praying we really appreciate the support.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
treatment #5 day
doesn't it feel like we were just here? ugh.
We had a wonderful Christmas with the girls. They are just so fun. They are still driving the Jeep around the living room. They push the couches back so they have room to drive. They are at school now and Hannah is with my mom. She has another cold. Poor kid.
We are at treatment today so it starts again. Everyone seems upbeat about the results from the tumor marker and the CT scan so that is great. Karen is our RN today. She has been a oncologist nurse for 14 years. can you image? (yuck, I can't, I like my easy to piece together numbers) She is really helpful. I was asking her some hard questions about the stats and she isn't afraid to answer them. One huge thing that I have learned is that the medical field is full of uncertainty. She said one patient may do great on one treatment and a different patient with the same cancer could do horrible on it. So many people ask us what would be next, how long with this last and the answer is "I don't know." Not b/c they don't have ideas on what they would do with us but every situation is so different so you take one day at time, one treatment at a time, one scan at a time, one blood test at time and put it all together to come up with a plan for that day.
The current treatment plan is 12 times or 6 months so that about takes us up to Derby. If at some point a CT scan comes back horrible or a tumor marker skyrockets then we do something different. If the treatment doesn't shrink down to nothing in 6 months then they will probably have another plan. It is all a wait and see game. Which is fine. At times I want it all mapped out but life isn't like that (obviously). In the past I would have gone nuts not knowing and if we have to change courses it will probably throw us for a bit of a loop. But if we stay focused on God's plan for our life then it will all work out. I hope that His plan is that we are to learn from this 6 month stet with cancer and move on knowing He is in charge regardless what the next battle is. But if it is not then He will guide us through that as well. I think we are in a good place right now. It might be that the treatment seems to be going in the right direction but it could also be that we are secure in the plans that He has for us knowing that He will be there.
I am reading this intense book called, "Living with Thorns" by Mary Ann Froehlich. It is not a blowing sunshine and rainbows type book. It doesn't talk about staying positive in a crappy situation. It is about knowing God is there even when you think He is not. I am in a chapter about when God seem silent. It talks about the story of Lazarus. Here is a quote from the book: "We understand now that Jesus waited to perform His miracle of raising Lazarus from the dead, just as He waits to perform bigger miracles in our lives today. These miracles originate in His silence as we wait. The most significant miracle is that we trust Him in the storm."
Okay so His miracle was not to shield Craig from cancer (why? I don't know, but we are trusting the plan) but could a BIGGER miracle be right around the corner?
The week of diagnosis and weeks after I was in constant conversation with God. Now it is here and there but He still answer everyday. So I (and you) continue to pray that our miracle is right around the corner.
Gotta run and get lunch. Treatment is going well here. Continue to pray for our miracle.
Christmas pictures to come.
We had a wonderful Christmas with the girls. They are just so fun. They are still driving the Jeep around the living room. They push the couches back so they have room to drive. They are at school now and Hannah is with my mom. She has another cold. Poor kid.
We are at treatment today so it starts again. Everyone seems upbeat about the results from the tumor marker and the CT scan so that is great. Karen is our RN today. She has been a oncologist nurse for 14 years. can you image? (yuck, I can't, I like my easy to piece together numbers) She is really helpful. I was asking her some hard questions about the stats and she isn't afraid to answer them. One huge thing that I have learned is that the medical field is full of uncertainty. She said one patient may do great on one treatment and a different patient with the same cancer could do horrible on it. So many people ask us what would be next, how long with this last and the answer is "I don't know." Not b/c they don't have ideas on what they would do with us but every situation is so different so you take one day at time, one treatment at a time, one scan at a time, one blood test at time and put it all together to come up with a plan for that day.
The current treatment plan is 12 times or 6 months so that about takes us up to Derby. If at some point a CT scan comes back horrible or a tumor marker skyrockets then we do something different. If the treatment doesn't shrink down to nothing in 6 months then they will probably have another plan. It is all a wait and see game. Which is fine. At times I want it all mapped out but life isn't like that (obviously). In the past I would have gone nuts not knowing and if we have to change courses it will probably throw us for a bit of a loop. But if we stay focused on God's plan for our life then it will all work out. I hope that His plan is that we are to learn from this 6 month stet with cancer and move on knowing He is in charge regardless what the next battle is. But if it is not then He will guide us through that as well. I think we are in a good place right now. It might be that the treatment seems to be going in the right direction but it could also be that we are secure in the plans that He has for us knowing that He will be there.
I am reading this intense book called, "Living with Thorns" by Mary Ann Froehlich. It is not a blowing sunshine and rainbows type book. It doesn't talk about staying positive in a crappy situation. It is about knowing God is there even when you think He is not. I am in a chapter about when God seem silent. It talks about the story of Lazarus. Here is a quote from the book: "We understand now that Jesus waited to perform His miracle of raising Lazarus from the dead, just as He waits to perform bigger miracles in our lives today. These miracles originate in His silence as we wait. The most significant miracle is that we trust Him in the storm."
Okay so His miracle was not to shield Craig from cancer (why? I don't know, but we are trusting the plan) but could a BIGGER miracle be right around the corner?
The week of diagnosis and weeks after I was in constant conversation with God. Now it is here and there but He still answer everyday. So I (and you) continue to pray that our miracle is right around the corner.
Gotta run and get lunch. Treatment is going well here. Continue to pray for our miracle.
Christmas pictures to come.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
random thoughts while we wait...
It is 8:32 and I am sitting here waiting for my kids to get up and see what Santa brought them. I am about to bust. Even little Hannah is sleeping in. COME ON get up! Drive this Barbie Jeep around the living room! I had so many insight things that I wanted to put on the blog last night but ran out of steam at 11:00. We had Craig's family over for Christmas Eve as we normally do. It is a standing tradition to celebrate with them the night before. The is a certain level of noise that can't be achieved unless there are cousins around. You know what I mean? There is the normal sibling noise, playing, playing playing, fighting, back to playing. And there is play date noise, chatting, showing, playing. But cousin noise is whole level above and beyond anything you can experience with other playmates. We sent them to the basement last night. I absolutely love to hear it. It bring me back about 20 years. Me and my cousins were so loud when we played too. I think we were sent to the basement as well but it wasn't finished and I think when we were old enough we put on roller skates and made the most of it. But there is something awesome about cousins on Christmas. I am glad they are all the same age (months apart) and they can achieve that famous level of Christmas noise. When Hannah and Abby get in there next year and years to come it will even be better.
So I sit and wait. How long do you think Mary had to wait? I wonder if baby Jesus was a good baby? Did he sleep through the night? Did Mary send people out of the stable when she had to feed him?
Can you believe it snowed! It is so beautiful!!!! We have so much to be thankful for! I am so thankful to have my family and all that God has given us. I am so thankful for all of our friends that have gotten us through the past fall season. And I can't thank you enough for the prayers since October. I really can feel them and I live on them knowing they are there everyday. Cancer is the hardest thing we have been through but with every one's prayers we are making it through. Craig was doing bedtime prayers with Emily the night before last and she said that she was sick of talking about his medicine (chemo). I asked her if it scared her or if she was just tired of talking about it. She said she was just tired of hearing about. Yep, I hear ya but we still have to keep praying. They say when you talk to your kids about cancer they will take the lead from you. So if you show that you are scared they will be scared as well. After she said that we had to focus on Christmas. It was like, enough of this cancer talk let get on to the good stuff, Christmas, Santa, presents, family.
So we are taking our cues from the 5 year old this weekend and enjoy this awesome birthday! Let's get on with it! Bring on the king! Bring Him to our house and let's celebrate His birth!!!
Happy birthday Jesus!!!
I am giving them 5 more minutes and I am busting in that room! get up already!!! Christmas is HERE!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
So I sit and wait. How long do you think Mary had to wait? I wonder if baby Jesus was a good baby? Did he sleep through the night? Did Mary send people out of the stable when she had to feed him?
Can you believe it snowed! It is so beautiful!!!! We have so much to be thankful for! I am so thankful to have my family and all that God has given us. I am so thankful for all of our friends that have gotten us through the past fall season. And I can't thank you enough for the prayers since October. I really can feel them and I live on them knowing they are there everyday. Cancer is the hardest thing we have been through but with every one's prayers we are making it through. Craig was doing bedtime prayers with Emily the night before last and she said that she was sick of talking about his medicine (chemo). I asked her if it scared her or if she was just tired of talking about it. She said she was just tired of hearing about. Yep, I hear ya but we still have to keep praying. They say when you talk to your kids about cancer they will take the lead from you. So if you show that you are scared they will be scared as well. After she said that we had to focus on Christmas. It was like, enough of this cancer talk let get on to the good stuff, Christmas, Santa, presents, family.
So we are taking our cues from the 5 year old this weekend and enjoy this awesome birthday! Let's get on with it! Bring on the king! Bring Him to our house and let's celebrate His birth!!!
Happy birthday Jesus!!!
I am giving them 5 more minutes and I am busting in that room! get up already!!! Christmas is HERE!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Well goodness! 117!!
Craig just called the doctor's office for his tumor marker and it is down to 117! That is a big decrease.
Well holy crap.
I am trying not to get too excited b/c it is a marathon not a sprint and this disease will kick ya square in the gut when you think you are doing okay. And honestly I am really not use to good news these days but that number is something to celebrate.
I asked if they read his birthday rather than the tumor market number and he said no she was comparing it to the old one from two weeks ago so there you have it!
117!
"For I know the plans I have for you and not to harm you, plan to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
I pray that His plan for us to be done with this cancer stuff and the treatment to continue to move in the right direction!
Yeah for 117!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
Well holy crap.
I am trying not to get too excited b/c it is a marathon not a sprint and this disease will kick ya square in the gut when you think you are doing okay. And honestly I am really not use to good news these days but that number is something to celebrate.
I asked if they read his birthday rather than the tumor market number and he said no she was comparing it to the old one from two weeks ago so there you have it!
117!
"For I know the plans I have for you and not to harm you, plan to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
I pray that His plan for us to be done with this cancer stuff and the treatment to continue to move in the right direction!
Yeah for 117!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Mixed Emotions and a mixed response
The CT scan cames back with "mixed response". The tumor in the pancreas shrunk (yeah) but the spots in the liver grew (boo!). There aren't any new spots (yeah!) but the liver spots that grew are troubling (boo!). Dr. Hamm recommended moving forward with the current treatment and reminded us that it is still early in the treatment plan. We are only on treatment #4 of 12. They went ahead and took blood to do the tumor marker and we will get those back tomorrow. They expect that to be down as it was last time.
I don't know what to think, we can't let every little case of bad news shake us up. We have to keep our eye on the big picture. The treatment is 6 months for a reason. This is a marathon not a sprint. Feels like a long a$$ marathon (pardon my french) but none the less it is really just another day on cancer island.
I was thinking of my last post. "Wouldn't it be great if we had a Christmas miracle on the CT scan?" It would have but His grace and love is sufficient. He gave His only son to us. That is more than enough.
Enough:
by: Chris Tomlin
All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough
His grace and love is enough for this Christmas. And we are thankful for the progress so far. The progress so far means we don't need to move to TX or visit Boston this week. And whatever the future holds is still in God hands.
Prayers that God answers us with a future clear CT scan (in all organs) and a Merry Christmas this week.
Merry CHRISTmas!!
I don't know what to think, we can't let every little case of bad news shake us up. We have to keep our eye on the big picture. The treatment is 6 months for a reason. This is a marathon not a sprint. Feels like a long a$$ marathon (pardon my french) but none the less it is really just another day on cancer island.
I was thinking of my last post. "Wouldn't it be great if we had a Christmas miracle on the CT scan?" It would have but His grace and love is sufficient. He gave His only son to us. That is more than enough.
Enough:
by: Chris Tomlin
All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough
His grace and love is enough for this Christmas. And we are thankful for the progress so far. The progress so far means we don't need to move to TX or visit Boston this week. And whatever the future holds is still in God hands.
Prayers that God answers us with a future clear CT scan (in all organs) and a Merry Christmas this week.
Merry CHRISTmas!!
Monday, December 20, 2010
CT Scan - No News Yet
I know a lot folks are eager to hear about the CT Scan but we don't have any news to share. We have a prescheduled appointment scheduled with Dr. Hamm tomorrow at 10:45 at his downtown office to go over the scan. I went in this morning to do the scan at Norton Brownsboro. I got to (had to) drink about 4 cups of contrast that tastes like lemonade which took me about an hour to almost finish. They then took us back and my scan lasted only about 10 minutes. They rolled me in and out of one of those big circle scan machines you enter lying down that I'm sure costs a few dollars. No one is allowed in the room during the scan. My view on the ceiling was the beach this time which was a little bit better than "space" which is what I stared out last time. The technician was of course not allowed to try and read the scan for us; that's customary. So we will wait until tomorrow and discuss with Dr. Hamm who probably won't even see the scan until shortly before we go in. I'm not sure how to much to read into this scan. We'd love to see nothing but that is doubtful as I still have some off and on abdominal pain. Hopefully we'll see shrinkage of the tumor; that is what I'm praying for. My last CT scan was done October 5th when I was in the hospital so there's no telling what could have happened between then and October 27th which is when I started. To me, its possible it could have grown some and is coming down now with the chemo but the tumor could be bigger now than back then (make sense?). Hope that is not the case but its some possible rationale. Worst news would probably be it has spread more or grown significantly. If everything is going in a positive direction, we'll continue with the same treatment I'm on. If things don't look as good, we'll be staring down other treatment options. Anyhow, we'll let you know what is going on when we get an opportunity. I had a good 10 minute conversation with God this morning during the scan. He has been so good to me and has always comforted me. This whole topic is for another post but I have to ask that if your relationship with him is fairweather or just more asking than praising, then please consider including him more. I'll write on this another day. God bless and we'll be in touch.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Merry CHRISTmas
But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you;
He is Christ the Lord."
Luke 2:10-11
Have a joyous and blessed CHRISTmas!
Love, Craig, Michelle, Emily, Morgan and Hannah
Thursday, December 16, 2010
take this thorn away
just a quick update. Craig is doing pretty good. He will be so tired tomorrow. I think it is common for cancer patience to have rough day 3s. It seems like the chemo knocks him out for day 3 and most of day 4. Sundays he seems to turn a corner. I really hope he gets to enjoy his down week to the fullest next week. I ran to Barnes and Noble to pick up a book for Emily's gift exchange at school tomorrow. I was looking through some Christan books. There was a book that all about modern day miracles. Wouldn't it be awesome if that CT scan came back Monday completely clear. Unexplainable clear? Oh what a Christmas present that would be. I try not to let my mind get too far. I try to stay realistic but it would be the best present ever. Well maybe second to my engagement ring. No, I think it would top the engagement ring but my diamond would be a close second. Craig and I were engaged on Christmas Eve 2000. I love Christmas Eve. Each year Craig and I exchange our gifts at midnight on Christmas Eve. We did skip over the year I had Emily b/c I was 12 days post C-section but other than that we haven't missed a year. Anyway. It would be an awesome gift if that CT was clear already. I don't expect it to be but it would awesome.
I did pick up a book called living with thorns. It is based off the scripture 2 Cor 12:7-9
There was given to me a thorn in my flesh... to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
I really pray He takes this thorn away. I know His grace should be sufficient but I really want my husband too, thorn less that is.
I did pick up a book called living with thorns. It is based off the scripture 2 Cor 12:7-9
There was given to me a thorn in my flesh... to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
I really pray He takes this thorn away. I know His grace should be sufficient but I really want my husband too, thorn less that is.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Emily is 5!
Completely out of order but here are Emily's birthday pictures. Emily turned 5 on Monday.
Emily Michelle
12/13/05 8lbs 2oz
Sleepy baby
Birthday breakfast
ice cream cake at Grater's after Tangled
Yeah, Emmy is 5!
super quick update
Craig is tired but doing good. He is eating meals (probably should be eating more). Home Health comes tomorrow afternoon to de-access his port. I wonder if they will make it in the ice...that should be interesting. Did Craig post yesterday that his billirubin number is still down to normal? It is a .6, which is good. They didn't do a tumor marker yesterday. White blood cell count was fine as well, obviously since he took (and is taking) chemo.
He is upstairs doing a very important job of wrapping my Christmas presents. I am not supposed to go up there. ;) That activity should wipe him out for about... the rest of the day. Hannah is watching him to make sure he is doing everything right.
We don't have another treatment scheduled in two weeks b/c they will do a CT scan on Monday 12/20 to see if his tumor has shrunk. If it is shrinking then we move forward with the treatment plan he is on. If it grew (gasp, don't even want to think about it) then I am not sure what is next. We have an appointment with Dr. Hamm Tuesday the 21st to go over the results of that CT.
On January 10th Dr. Vitale will redo the stent. The one that he has is temporary and could get clogged so they want to replace it with a more permanent one.
Christmas pictures are in so get ready for your Christmas cardin your mailbox on the blog.
Emily has dance this afternoon. Hannah's cold is getting better but she is still coughing a lot but it seems like she feels better.
All and all we are doing okay. gotta run.
He is upstairs doing a very important job of wrapping my Christmas presents. I am not supposed to go up there. ;) That activity should wipe him out for about... the rest of the day. Hannah is watching him to make sure he is doing everything right.
We don't have another treatment scheduled in two weeks b/c they will do a CT scan on Monday 12/20 to see if his tumor has shrunk. If it is shrinking then we move forward with the treatment plan he is on. If it grew (gasp, don't even want to think about it) then I am not sure what is next. We have an appointment with Dr. Hamm Tuesday the 21st to go over the results of that CT.
On January 10th Dr. Vitale will redo the stent. The one that he has is temporary and could get clogged so they want to replace it with a more permanent one.
Christmas pictures are in so get ready for your Christmas card
Emily has dance this afternoon. Hannah's cold is getting better but she is still coughing a lot but it seems like she feels better.
All and all we are doing okay. gotta run.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
At the Treatment
I'm getting started right now on my treatment and I'm taking in some anti nauseau medicine right now before the poison comes. I'll be hooked up here on the poison for about 4 hours and then they'll hook me up to my take home poison ball that will stay attached to me for 2 days. I've been fighting being positive this time around. That cold I had and fevers knocked me down a few notches and feel like I'm limping a little bit going into this treatment. They took my bloodwork earlier this morning and said everything actually looks good as for as my white blood cell counts and bilirubin are concerned. Not too much to report right now. I'm typing on here before I go into my weekly state of being a zombie. By the time I leave here today, my speech will kind of be humorously slurred pretty bad. That will wear off this evening. The next 2 days hopefully won't be too bad. Friday and Saturday will be my hardest days when I'm in serious fatigue mode. I should mention I hate this cold. At the begining of this I could walk my court and get some fresh air when it was warmer; that made me feel better. Now I'm afraid to be by a door when it opens. This is #4 of 13 treatments so we are underway. The CT scan scheduled for next week can not get here any quicker. I'm still amazed by the amount of people praying for us. I definitely believe in the power of prayer. We'll take them. My prayers often go out to the many that face this. As I'm sitting here, all the rooms are full, people are taking treatments left and right. I'll be signing off of here for about a week and put our lead blogger back in charge. We enjoy spending this time updating you. It's a little theraputic for us sometimes and its usually a one hour committment we take to write a post. I hope everyone gets the finishing touches done on their Christmas shopping. Remember Jesus is the reason for the season. God bless!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Tuesday is treatment Day
Tomorrow is another treatment day at Norton. He isn't feeling 100% after fighting that virus this weekend but I doubt his white blood cells are too low not to take the necessary evil. I am not even sure they will take a tumor marker count tomorrow since we will be doing a CT scan on the 20th which is just a short week away. Keep us in your prayers tomorrow for little side effects and effective treatment. We just need to get back on the prayer train and the land of hope instead the island of worry.
Also pray for Hannah, she has a cold and I would love for her to wake up tomorrow morning feeling better since I don't have much choice on whether to drop her off at daycare or not. She can't exactly go to the oncologist all day with us. Even with snot running out of her nose she is still so pretty.
I will post pictures of Emily birthday soon. She was so pleased with all her gifts. What a big birthday she had.
Also pray for Hannah, she has a cold and I would love for her to wake up tomorrow morning feeling better since I don't have much choice on whether to drop her off at daycare or not. She can't exactly go to the oncologist all day with us. Even with snot running out of her nose she is still so pretty.
I will post pictures of Emily birthday soon. She was so pleased with all her gifts. What a big birthday she had.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Tangled
The weekend ended on a good note. Emily's party went well. The movie Tangled was very cute. A must see for anyone. I realized late this evening that some of these struggles we have daily are just typical marital/family struggles. They are amplified by cancer but not caused by it. Craig's cold that turned into a fever wouldn't have taken him down for two days but he still would have been a baby about it and we still would have argued about it b/c well we are married and that is what most married people do. They bicker about who does more, who is going to pick up the last of the Christmas gifts, who is going to clean up the poopy diaper, who is going to take to school in the snow... blah blah blah. It is not cancers fault that we are running behind on Christmas gifts or the fact that I am so unorganized this year. It is not cancer's fault that Hannah has a cold and she is so sad. Cancer has just added a ridiculous amount of stress to this house so it is easy to blame everything on cancer right now.
One regret that I have is not making Christ more a part of our daily lives before this all went down. Yes we go to church and yes we pray every night at bedtime with the girls but I wish it was our quick go-to. The Bible has been the only place to find comfort in this situation for me. I have searched for medical answers and those are downright ugly. I have searched for a cancer community online and that brings little comfort. I think it brings comfort to Craig to know someone is going through the same thing as him. But as a caregiver the only place I have found HOPE and comfort is in Christ.
So I guess my point is the same thing that I have know 8 years of my marriage. Craig and I are very different and with Christ as the center of our family we can get through anything. And there are times that I do want to send him to a camp. Maybe not a cancer camp but a husband camp where husbands go that don't finish the laundry.
Tomorrow is Emily's 5th birthday. It is crazy that she is already 5. I looked at her the other day and had to do a double take. She actually looks like a 5 years old. Her whole demeanor has changed from pre-schooler to little girl in the past couple months. It great to see her with her friends. She is a very confident, precious little girl. She loves to dance, dress up, and all the Disney Princesses.
Some days I wish we could turn back the clock to June when we had Hannah or five years ago when we had Emily. Just whenever we weren't here. I have to remind myself that Craig has probably had cancer for years, maybe as many years as we have been married, we just didn't know then. We should have known it and treated it then but we didn't know so we are doing what we can now. At times I wish I knew that I would have him as long as I had planned. But I didn't know that then either. No one knows how long they have. I have to tell myself this a lot. I have a client that worked with years ago that was hit by a train months ago. She was driving with her husband after they left a party in NKY and a train hit the car. She lost her life instantly. She didn't know that was going to be her last day. We are never guaranteed a certain numbers of days. I don't think that it is fair that doctors give people expiration dates when giving a diagnosis. They don't know. Dicky V. said that during that basketball tournament the other night. Doctors know the disease not the patient. Dr. Morris didn't know how Craig would react to chemo but gave him the typical stats of pancreatic cancer. I don't think that is fair to do that to someone. I guess they have to set up realistic expectations but I still don't think they should say this is what is going to happen. They don't know, just like I don't know. I get scared every time Craig says something hurts. Before October 4th a stomach ache was just a stomach ache and on October 4th it was cancer. Does that mean a headache is not a headache? So stressful. Okay well this has gone to a Debbie Downer post and that was not my intent so I am just going to type my scripture of the week and move on.
Mark 10:45 "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many"
This hit me on Saturday night at church. Guess I better start to serve my family as God wants me to and not send them away to a cancer camp or husband camp...still learning to walk the walk... good thing He is a forgiving God.
One regret that I have is not making Christ more a part of our daily lives before this all went down. Yes we go to church and yes we pray every night at bedtime with the girls but I wish it was our quick go-to. The Bible has been the only place to find comfort in this situation for me. I have searched for medical answers and those are downright ugly. I have searched for a cancer community online and that brings little comfort. I think it brings comfort to Craig to know someone is going through the same thing as him. But as a caregiver the only place I have found HOPE and comfort is in Christ.
So I guess my point is the same thing that I have know 8 years of my marriage. Craig and I are very different and with Christ as the center of our family we can get through anything. And there are times that I do want to send him to a camp. Maybe not a cancer camp but a husband camp where husbands go that don't finish the laundry.
Tomorrow is Emily's 5th birthday. It is crazy that she is already 5. I looked at her the other day and had to do a double take. She actually looks like a 5 years old. Her whole demeanor has changed from pre-schooler to little girl in the past couple months. It great to see her with her friends. She is a very confident, precious little girl. She loves to dance, dress up, and all the Disney Princesses.
Some days I wish we could turn back the clock to June when we had Hannah or five years ago when we had Emily. Just whenever we weren't here. I have to remind myself that Craig has probably had cancer for years, maybe as many years as we have been married, we just didn't know then. We should have known it and treated it then but we didn't know so we are doing what we can now. At times I wish I knew that I would have him as long as I had planned. But I didn't know that then either. No one knows how long they have. I have to tell myself this a lot. I have a client that worked with years ago that was hit by a train months ago. She was driving with her husband after they left a party in NKY and a train hit the car. She lost her life instantly. She didn't know that was going to be her last day. We are never guaranteed a certain numbers of days. I don't think that it is fair that doctors give people expiration dates when giving a diagnosis. They don't know. Dicky V. said that during that basketball tournament the other night. Doctors know the disease not the patient. Dr. Morris didn't know how Craig would react to chemo but gave him the typical stats of pancreatic cancer. I don't think that is fair to do that to someone. I guess they have to set up realistic expectations but I still don't think they should say this is what is going to happen. They don't know, just like I don't know. I get scared every time Craig says something hurts. Before October 4th a stomach ache was just a stomach ache and on October 4th it was cancer. Does that mean a headache is not a headache? So stressful. Okay well this has gone to a Debbie Downer post and that was not my intent so I am just going to type my scripture of the week and move on.
Mark 10:45 "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many"
This hit me on Saturday night at church. Guess I better start to serve my family as God wants me to and not send them away to a cancer camp or husband camp...still learning to walk the walk... good thing He is a forgiving God.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
report from cancer island
It feels like we live on an island. People drop things off at the island but they don't want to stay too long. Some even come in and stay a couple minutes but nobody wants to stay too long on cancer island, including me. I have always been the one that finds comfort in numbers. Not a great quality if you are familiar with the phase "if she jumped off a bridge would you?" My answer would usually be can we have a party on the bridge before we jump, can we get some bungee cords and a life jacket and then jump together. In October I searched for cancer blogs like ours. I read people's entries to make sure my feelings were in sync with what was "normal". Doesn't look like there is a normal on any cancer island but it was comforting to know that others were out there on their island battling the same. I started to learn the local island language, counts, tumors, surgery, chemo etc. Recently I find no comfort in knowing that others are on their islands. I don't care that others are battling the same thing, that sounds bad, I do care, I just don't want to be on this island. I don't want to live on this island! I feel guilty saying that. what's the alternative... that doesn't sounds like a good island either.
I am so pissed at what this disease has done to my marriage and my family life. I am so pissed that my baby has to have her first Christmas on cancer island. I am so pissed that she started eating solids this week on cancer island. I am so pissed that my big girls have to see their dad struggle with this disease and live on this island. I hate that Emily's 5th Birthday is on cancer island. I had so many cute ideas for her 5th birthday party. It is a big one, 5 is a big deal.
Craig was being a grumpy yesterday and I had the nerve enough to say there has to be some kind of cancer camp you can go for a cure and come back when you are better. I want my cancer-free husband back. Cancer-Craig is unrecognizable at times. I hate this island. Some nights I cry to God, GET ME OFF THIS ISLAND!!
So this week we are not only battling cancer but some funky cold. Morgan dodged it. Emily tracked it in from school. I had it but could deal with it with a dose of Tylenol. Craig, of course, can't fight it. Apparently Nuelasta is no match for Junior Kindergarten germs. He ran a fever yesterday and the doc called in a Z-pac to be able to fight it so he can take chemo on Tuesday. Now poor little Hannah has it. She is cough like an old man and can't breathe in the middle of the night. Poor baby.
We have a birthday party to go to today for a sweet little girl in Emily's class and tomorrow is Emily's B-Day party with her friends. We are going to see Tangled and then eat ice cream cake at Grater's. She is super excited. I still have to get a lot together for tomorrow but it will get done one way or the other.
It is date night tonight. I pray that Craig and I can somehow enjoy ourselves so that I don't want to ship him to a cancer camp. (wow, that makes me mean and a really bad wife, whatever, blah).
I am so pissed at what this disease has done to my marriage and my family life. I am so pissed that my baby has to have her first Christmas on cancer island. I am so pissed that she started eating solids this week on cancer island. I am so pissed that my big girls have to see their dad struggle with this disease and live on this island. I hate that Emily's 5th Birthday is on cancer island. I had so many cute ideas for her 5th birthday party. It is a big one, 5 is a big deal.
Craig was being a grumpy yesterday and I had the nerve enough to say there has to be some kind of cancer camp you can go for a cure and come back when you are better. I want my cancer-free husband back. Cancer-Craig is unrecognizable at times. I hate this island. Some nights I cry to God, GET ME OFF THIS ISLAND!!
So this week we are not only battling cancer but some funky cold. Morgan dodged it. Emily tracked it in from school. I had it but could deal with it with a dose of Tylenol. Craig, of course, can't fight it. Apparently Nuelasta is no match for Junior Kindergarten germs. He ran a fever yesterday and the doc called in a Z-pac to be able to fight it so he can take chemo on Tuesday. Now poor little Hannah has it. She is cough like an old man and can't breathe in the middle of the night. Poor baby.
We have a birthday party to go to today for a sweet little girl in Emily's class and tomorrow is Emily's B-Day party with her friends. We are going to see Tangled and then eat ice cream cake at Grater's. She is super excited. I still have to get a lot together for tomorrow but it will get done one way or the other.
It is date night tonight. I pray that Craig and I can somehow enjoy ourselves so that I don't want to ship him to a cancer camp. (wow, that makes me mean and a really bad wife, whatever, blah).
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Jimmy V Classic
Admittedly, I often thought of the Jimmy V Classic as a couple of good basketball games, I think UK even played in it recently. I watched Jimmy V's speech today and have come to appreciate how much he has meant to so many and how special that speech really was. "If you can do 3 things in a day: laugh, use your mind to think, and move yourself to tears all in one day, then you've lived a full day." Not exact quote there but same premise. It's true. Yesterday, I lived a full day. I got have to fun with a buddy of mine and laugh as I constantly reminded him a cancer patient was whipping him at wii golf and tennis etc. I got to spend some Craig time alone as I rested in bed during the evening and I thought, A LOT. It moved me to tears for a good 30 minutes as I reflected on how many blessings I have and how enjoyable life really is. Yesterday was a great day, it was an exhausting day but a great day. Good exhaustion = Good Day; not to be confused with those other exhausting days we often have as well. Anyhow, Jimmy V left behind a great legacy as he started a foundation for the purpose of cancer research so he could help others. It was already too late for him but he desperately wanted to help maybe his kids or anybody beat cancer if that would ever happen to them God forbid. I researched the foundation and in its 18 years, his foundation has raised over 100 million dollars with the proceeds going to research to help find different cures for cancer. This is emotional for me because research is the biggest thing is needed. We have made great strides but we still lose too many people every year. Clinical trials are absolutely great and are needed to further what we know. I often say I'm glad I didn't have this problem 5 years ago because we've learned so much since then. However, if I could only have gotten this 5 years from now, imagine how much more we'll know. The foundation actually promises 100% of donations go directly to research as it's endowment covers all administrative costs. I'm donating my $25, least I can I do I guess. I think the numbers are 1 in 4 will be touched by cancer. Many people on here have been closely effected either by a parent, a sibling, a child, good friend, etc. Heck we've got survivors following the blog. I'd like to do something interesting, see how many people on here have someone close to them (other than me :) ) that has been affected by cancer. You can tell me mulitple. Let me know how they are doing. It will also let me know if you are still reading. We monitor our comments so it may a take a little bit for it to show up so don't fret about that, we'll get you added. Enjoy your basketball games tonight and catch the Jimmy V speech on Youtube if you get a chance. "Cancer can not touch my mind, it can not touch my heart and it can not touch my soul."
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Friday - mom's Bday
Craig went and got his Nulasta shot this morning (thanks Scott for taking him). He has been doing really well taking care of himself this time. He has been keeping up with his medication on his own getting up in the morning on his own. All good things. He is so tired. He is irritated he is tired and doesn't want to do anything. I am not sure what to suggest. He is sick of watching TV and movies seem so long. He doesn't want to play on the Internet or do online Christmas shopping. I (jokingly) suggested teaching how to buy media but he turned the offer down. He reads for bits at a time but it seems that his attention span is very short. I am not sure if it is the chemo or if he is frustrated being in the house since Tuesday or if he is too tired to think for long periods of time. I think he will feel better tomorrow afternoon. He seems to all the sudden turn a corner day 5 and it is easier until day 7 when he feels normal again.
He said the nurse at the office today said something like that is quite the combo of chemo they have you on. I asked if he told her that he had three kids and his wife didn't give him much choice? He said no he just told her he was young so they thought it would be his best shot. I guess that says a lot for his strength. If a nurse that has probably seen all kinds of chemo and patients reactions to different drugs says that and he taking the chemo well, that really says a lot for his strength. I could sit here and say I can't believe how well he is doing but I can believe it. He is about the most calm cool and collected person on the planet. He is like a walking Zoloft. When we surprisingly had Emily and Morgan so close together it never phased him. Two sets of diapers, you take that one, I will take this one. Two bedtimes, two of just about everything, he just took it in stride. When his father past away 3 years ago he was crushed but knew the relationship they had was awesome and had no regrets. He missed him daily but took it all in stride. Cancer, has taken our breathe away, the diagnosis, the stats, the surgeries, the treatment decisions, the treatment complications, but now that he feels better and can tolerate the treatment he is taking it all in stride. He is frustrated and exhausted more than I have ever seen him but still taking it all in stride. The days that I panic he is the one saying it will work out, I plan on being here. Some days I think did he not hear what they said on October 4th? did he not google pancreatic cancer? Did he not read the CT report? But he knows and he takes it all as the next challenge and knows that it will okay. That is who he is. That is why people trust him. The first year of our marriage it ticked me off that nothing phased him. I thought it meant he didn't care. He was so calm about everything and I am the person that if you care about something you say or do something about it, no matter if it ruffles some one's feathers. We still go head to head at times b/c of this difference. But b/c his consistence of being a rock has brought so much comfort in the past especially since we have had kids I can see now that he does care that is why he is calm about everything. It takes everything in stride not b/c he doesn't care but b/c he does.
Today the girls and I made a cake for my mom and ran some errands to get out of here for a while. We watched the Grinch about 10 times. They adore that Christmas special. Last year they watching at least a 1000 times and I am sure we will hit that number again this year. It was my mom's birthday so she came over for dinner. The girls picked out light pink roses for her at Kroger. We played Go Fish, memory and BINGO. I love that they are old enough to play games now. It is so fun to sit and watch their personalities come out. Mom said tonight that she thought Morgan would be the kid winning the running race until someone fell and she would be the one to stop to help them up. Yep, she is a head strong little lady with a heart of gold. We were playing memory and Emily can run circles around anybody in that game but Morgan with her one little match was trying to help Emily out by pointing to the card she thought matched with the one Emmy was looking for. We did a Toy Story 3 puzzle and when we were done Morgan said, "when daddy wakes up, I'm gonna show it to him."
It is one thing for a mom to spend the entire day with a little girl but if she can get five minutes of dad's attention then the struggle with a 100 piece puzzle is worth it.
Yesterday Morgan wasn't feeling well and I told her on the way back from the doctor's office that she needed to stay away from Craig so that he doesn't get sick and she started to cry in the backseat b/c she couldn't play with him that afternoon. That scares me. I know that if Craig doesn't beat this they will have a hard time and if you pick up any book about raising daughters it will say that the relationship that will shape their relationships with the opposite sex is their relationship with their dads. I was honestly worried about them long term, what will their marriages be like if they don't have both parents to model after? But I hadn't thought about the day to day. He plays with them constantly. They play the wii, they dance, they pretend stuff that I can't come up with. It worries me. But I just have to pray that never happens. I have to trust him when he says, I plan to be here. He is really working hard to do just that, be here.
I was talking to one of my dear friends from college on Wednesday afternoon. I told her I felt like an idiot being okay with things and really thinking that things were going to be okay. I also said that the girls were doing fine with everything. They think that it will be taken care of and I don't know if I have mislead them but I think they are just trusting that it will be okay. And she said that is what the Bible has told us to do,\be trusting like child in God. He is the God that saves and you can trust Him like a child. Without a doubt, trust Him like a child. So that is what we will do. take it all in stride and trust Him like a child trust.
He said the nurse at the office today said something like that is quite the combo of chemo they have you on. I asked if he told her that he had three kids and his wife didn't give him much choice? He said no he just told her he was young so they thought it would be his best shot. I guess that says a lot for his strength. If a nurse that has probably seen all kinds of chemo and patients reactions to different drugs says that and he taking the chemo well, that really says a lot for his strength. I could sit here and say I can't believe how well he is doing but I can believe it. He is about the most calm cool and collected person on the planet. He is like a walking Zoloft. When we surprisingly had Emily and Morgan so close together it never phased him. Two sets of diapers, you take that one, I will take this one. Two bedtimes, two of just about everything, he just took it in stride. When his father past away 3 years ago he was crushed but knew the relationship they had was awesome and had no regrets. He missed him daily but took it all in stride. Cancer, has taken our breathe away, the diagnosis, the stats, the surgeries, the treatment decisions, the treatment complications, but now that he feels better and can tolerate the treatment he is taking it all in stride. He is frustrated and exhausted more than I have ever seen him but still taking it all in stride. The days that I panic he is the one saying it will work out, I plan on being here. Some days I think did he not hear what they said on October 4th? did he not google pancreatic cancer? Did he not read the CT report? But he knows and he takes it all as the next challenge and knows that it will okay. That is who he is. That is why people trust him. The first year of our marriage it ticked me off that nothing phased him. I thought it meant he didn't care. He was so calm about everything and I am the person that if you care about something you say or do something about it, no matter if it ruffles some one's feathers. We still go head to head at times b/c of this difference. But b/c his consistence of being a rock has brought so much comfort in the past especially since we have had kids I can see now that he does care that is why he is calm about everything. It takes everything in stride not b/c he doesn't care but b/c he does.
Today the girls and I made a cake for my mom and ran some errands to get out of here for a while. We watched the Grinch about 10 times. They adore that Christmas special. Last year they watching at least a 1000 times and I am sure we will hit that number again this year. It was my mom's birthday so she came over for dinner. The girls picked out light pink roses for her at Kroger. We played Go Fish, memory and BINGO. I love that they are old enough to play games now. It is so fun to sit and watch their personalities come out. Mom said tonight that she thought Morgan would be the kid winning the running race until someone fell and she would be the one to stop to help them up. Yep, she is a head strong little lady with a heart of gold. We were playing memory and Emily can run circles around anybody in that game but Morgan with her one little match was trying to help Emily out by pointing to the card she thought matched with the one Emmy was looking for. We did a Toy Story 3 puzzle and when we were done Morgan said, "when daddy wakes up, I'm gonna show it to him."
It is one thing for a mom to spend the entire day with a little girl but if she can get five minutes of dad's attention then the struggle with a 100 piece puzzle is worth it.
Yesterday Morgan wasn't feeling well and I told her on the way back from the doctor's office that she needed to stay away from Craig so that he doesn't get sick and she started to cry in the backseat b/c she couldn't play with him that afternoon. That scares me. I know that if Craig doesn't beat this they will have a hard time and if you pick up any book about raising daughters it will say that the relationship that will shape their relationships with the opposite sex is their relationship with their dads. I was honestly worried about them long term, what will their marriages be like if they don't have both parents to model after? But I hadn't thought about the day to day. He plays with them constantly. They play the wii, they dance, they pretend stuff that I can't come up with. It worries me. But I just have to pray that never happens. I have to trust him when he says, I plan to be here. He is really working hard to do just that, be here.
I was talking to one of my dear friends from college on Wednesday afternoon. I told her I felt like an idiot being okay with things and really thinking that things were going to be okay. I also said that the girls were doing fine with everything. They think that it will be taken care of and I don't know if I have mislead them but I think they are just trusting that it will be okay. And she said that is what the Bible has told us to do,\be trusting like child in God. He is the God that saves and you can trust Him like a child. Without a doubt, trust Him like a child. So that is what we will do. take it all in stride and trust Him like a child trust.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Thursday 12/2
Craig is doing remarkably well. He is really tired and is actually sleeping a lot this time. After treatment #2 he was tired but couldn't ever fall asleep except with Ambien at night. He got so bored and was frustrated that he was doing nothing. This time he is at least sleeping. Home health comes today at 2:00 and I know that he looks forward to being cordless but it doesn't seem like he is counting down the minutes until she/he arrives like he did the last two times. He is up and about, eat normal foods rather than is jello and applesauce he was living on last time.
I think Morgan has strep throat (hope she wasn't kissing on her friends yesterday at school or at dance). We are headed to the pediatrician this morning so see what is up. We will need to call the oncologist office to see if they want Craig to do something more than just the Nulasta shot tomorrow. All in days work... sigh...
Please pray that the home health nurse that comes today goes better than last time. Pray for a nurse that is not easily distracted.
I can't thank everyone enough for the prayers. There are times that I sit at my computer and am completely overwhelmed with the support we have received. People have come out of the woodwork and it is so comforting knowing that so many people are rooting us on and praying like crazy for our miracle.
Update: no strep for Morgan, just a virus.
I think Morgan has strep throat (hope she wasn't kissing on her friends yesterday at school or at dance). We are headed to the pediatrician this morning so see what is up. We will need to call the oncologist office to see if they want Craig to do something more than just the Nulasta shot tomorrow. All in days work... sigh...
Please pray that the home health nurse that comes today goes better than last time. Pray for a nurse that is not easily distracted.
I can't thank everyone enough for the prayers. There are times that I sit at my computer and am completely overwhelmed with the support we have received. People have come out of the woodwork and it is so comforting knowing that so many people are rooting us on and praying like crazy for our miracle.
Update: no strep for Morgan, just a virus.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
numbers are already in
Billirubin is down to a normal level at .6. Last time they checked that is was at 3.4.
Tumor marker is down and is at the lowest it has been since the diagnosis. Not a huge jump but none the less, down.
YEAH! for good numbers!
hope this numbers will lead us to our miracle. praise God for good numbers.
Tumor marker is down and is at the lowest it has been since the diagnosis. Not a huge jump but none the less, down.
YEAH! for good numbers!
hope this numbers will lead us to our miracle. praise God for good numbers.
treatment #3 day
They just ran the labs and we are waiting to make sure he can take the chemo. His white blood cells have to be close to normal to be able to handle it. I am sure he will be fine.
They are running a tumor marker today and it will probably be back tomorrow. They said that we can't hang on to every number if it is slightly up that doesn't mean the chemo won't work it is just one piece of the puzzle. They are also pulling his billyrubin numbers to see if those have decreased. Another piece of the puzzle. I am glad that she said that b/c we are numbers people. She said you also have to look at person and see how they feel too to see how the treatment is going. They seem really optimistic and pleased that Craig is feeling and looking as good as he is. I think they are a little shocked on how well he is doing with the regimen he is on. They seem very upbeat since he feels so good.
The next CT scan will be between the mid-December treatment and late December treatment so the week of Christmas. The realistic expectations would be the tumor would be the same or less. They would be really surprised if it were already half the size. It is still the beginning of the treatment so our expectations need to be realistic but wouldn't it be wonderful if it just came back clear?
more to come...
things are fine. quiet which is good. He is tired already but no nausea.
He is on the second drip and should be done with that in about a half hour or so.
They are running a tumor marker today and it will probably be back tomorrow. They said that we can't hang on to every number if it is slightly up that doesn't mean the chemo won't work it is just one piece of the puzzle. They are also pulling his billyrubin numbers to see if those have decreased. Another piece of the puzzle. I am glad that she said that b/c we are numbers people. She said you also have to look at person and see how they feel too to see how the treatment is going. They seem really optimistic and pleased that Craig is feeling and looking as good as he is. I think they are a little shocked on how well he is doing with the regimen he is on. They seem very upbeat since he feels so good.
The next CT scan will be between the mid-December treatment and late December treatment so the week of Christmas. The realistic expectations would be the tumor would be the same or less. They would be really surprised if it were already half the size. It is still the beginning of the treatment so our expectations need to be realistic but wouldn't it be wonderful if it just came back clear?
more to come...
things are fine. quiet which is good. He is tired already but no nausea.
He is on the second drip and should be done with that in about a half hour or so.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Treatment #3 Tuesday
I'm ready for tomorrow. I get myself psyched up best I can going into the treatment. I know I need it, I'm doing it for a reason. It's not going to be fun but it is what it is. They will do a tumor marker tomorrow which is a fancy way of saying we are doing a blood test that says kind of how active the cancer is in my system. We don't know what the numbers mean but we will have plenty of questions in the morning. I'm very optimistic about things right now but I somehow always plan on hearing negative news. I've never really came out of a visit yet thinking things were better off than what we thought. I prepare myself for the worst but hope to hear decent news. The last week has been really good and I've got it made up in my mind that my tumor has shrunk some. I'm used to have pains in my abdomen and I'm used to having a hard time laying down and getting comfortable in bed. The pains are much less and I can get comfortable pretty easily now in bed which is very much a blessing. I can eat a lot now as well and I have been scarfing down some food the last few days to try and gain some weight. I have a had a cold the last few days and have a cough which scares us though because the worst news is that it has spread more beyond the pancreas and liver to a place like my lungs. I'm grounded for the worst but I can't help but be optimistic because I'm feeling great. We'll see. I'm amazed on how many prayer lists I've been thrown on at church's across town and with friends across the country. We are praying for miracles which is really true but I believe God can pull this off. He has pulled off many miracles so I know he can do this. He's going to be there for me no matter what this cancer has in store. I'll take the miracle if I'm given it. I'm short and sweet tonight, need to get to bed.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Living with an elephant in the room...
So I guess this is "living with cancer". Craig is really normally. corny jokes. watches sports all the time (UK vs. UT - what the heck was that?!). quotes movies. plays with the girls. makes lunches. brushes their teeth in the morning (good thing b/c I forget when it is not a school day) eats normally (just smaller portions). all is very normal.
We went out last night and did our normal try-to-get-as-many-Christmas-presents-as-possible-while-we-have-two-sitters night. He lasted longer than I did shopping, although wasn't too happy to spend too much time in Macy's. normal.
Tonight we was lasagna Thanksgiving at my mom's house since we don't make it to NKY for the holidays any more. All very normal it seems....
except it is not. He has cancer. It is the big ugly elephant in every room. Some rooms ask about the elephant, some rooms ignore the elephant. It is still there.
Thursday morning I got so far ahead of myself again. I guess the holidays will get that way but overall this weekend has been normal.
We do have so much to be thankful for. There are people living with cancer that will tell you it has really put things in perspective. I don't want to toot my own horn but I was thankful for my life before cancer. Cancer hasn't shed a light on how good it was before. I knew it. Although I took good health of my family for granted I still knew that I was the lucky one. I guess I wouldn't use the word lucky now but blessed. I think those are completely to different things. People use the word blessed interchangeable. I don't feel lucky, my husband a ugly pancreas but I do feel blessed with an amazing family and an incredible God that will get us through whatever lies ahead.
Anyway. I am thankful for a great thanksgiving weekend that turned around in the right direction after a rough Thursday morning. Church tomorrow. I was going to do a family picture but I didn't get it together in time so I guess we will have to do it in two weeks. I don't think that I am going to do Christmas cards this year. I got them out (I buy them after Christmas the year before and pack them away for the next year they are soo cheap the week after Christmas. I can't believe I spilled the beans on that little secret.) but I just don't feel like starting another project right now. So I think we will just post our Christmas card on here. Sorry, I hate that and it goes with everything that I hate about the internet and blogs but I just don't have the patience for Christmas card right now.
Have a good last day of Thanksgiving weekend.
We went out last night and did our normal try-to-get-as-many-Christmas-presents-as-possible-while-we-have-two-sitters night. He lasted longer than I did shopping, although wasn't too happy to spend too much time in Macy's. normal.
Tonight we was lasagna Thanksgiving at my mom's house since we don't make it to NKY for the holidays any more. All very normal it seems....
except it is not. He has cancer. It is the big ugly elephant in every room. Some rooms ask about the elephant, some rooms ignore the elephant. It is still there.
Thursday morning I got so far ahead of myself again. I guess the holidays will get that way but overall this weekend has been normal.
We do have so much to be thankful for. There are people living with cancer that will tell you it has really put things in perspective. I don't want to toot my own horn but I was thankful for my life before cancer. Cancer hasn't shed a light on how good it was before. I knew it. Although I took good health of my family for granted I still knew that I was the lucky one. I guess I wouldn't use the word lucky now but blessed. I think those are completely to different things. People use the word blessed interchangeable. I don't feel lucky, my husband a ugly pancreas but I do feel blessed with an amazing family and an incredible God that will get us through whatever lies ahead.
Anyway. I am thankful for a great thanksgiving weekend that turned around in the right direction after a rough Thursday morning. Church tomorrow. I was going to do a family picture but I didn't get it together in time so I guess we will have to do it in two weeks. I don't think that I am going to do Christmas cards this year. I got them out (I buy them after Christmas the year before and pack them away for the next year they are soo cheap the week after Christmas. I can't believe I spilled the beans on that little secret.) but I just don't feel like starting another project right now. So I think we will just post our Christmas card on here. Sorry, I hate that and it goes with everything that I hate about the internet and blogs but I just don't have the patience for Christmas card right now.
Have a good last day of Thanksgiving weekend.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Fall 2010
Emily and Hannah fall 2010
Lookin' good Hannie!
Myrtle Beach September 2010
Craig and Hannah on vacation
Emily, Morgan, Abby (friend of the family and beach buddy)
Hannah trying out the highchair
God. Jesus saves. craig. emily. morgan. hannah. friends. family. the bible. faith. hope. love.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
My big PINK soap box
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/video/patrick-swayzes-widow-lisa-niemi-swayze-fights-pancreatic-cancer-12118865
Disclaimer: this may be interpreted as one of those "politically incorrect" post. Might want to just skip it.
I have thought about this post for many weeks now, I have debated whether or not to even mention the subject but time and time again this subject gets under my skin. This is not to take away from anyone's cancer battle. My mom has two dear friends that battled cancer. One does victory laps in her beautiful pool in her backyard and one does victory laps in heaven. Every cancer fighter deserves medals for their bravery.
It seems just taboo to even mention this...
Here's the thing. There are pink ribbons ON EVERYTHING. I have a bag of Sun chips that is pink in the pantry, Energizer batteries, if it stands still long enough in a store someone is going to stick a pink ribbon on it. Susan G. Komen has mastered the way to market a disease. Susan died in the late 70s and her sister was in marketing and made it her pledge to help fund breast cancer so that they could find a cure. And man did she do it!! Don't get me wrong, thank goodness she did. They have found ways to treat breast cancer and more importantly they have promoted preventing it. BUT breast cancer isn't the only cancer that is out there. If pancreatic cancer received a 10th of the funding that breast cancer did they may have better answers for us.
This hasn't just been on my mind since Craig was diagnosed, it was just a smaller soap box at the time. I worked with a local hospital several years back on the marketing of their new heart health unit. Did you know that heart disease is the number one killer of women, not breast cancer? If you want to support women's health throw your money on educating women how they can keep their hearts healthy. That is much easier to solve than a disease that comes out of no where at times.
When Craig was first diagnosed I found a website that said that pancreatic cancer was so underfunded for several reasons. One of the main ones was the fact that it was so hard to prevent since the pancreas is hidden behind a couple organs. The symptoms are not alarming until they persist or jaundice surfaces and then it is normally in late stages. The other reason is there are not "spokespeople" out there to help move the research along. With the odds that go along with the disease there isn't much of a "team" to join. There are two walks in Louisville alone that support breast cancer. There isn't one to support any GI cancers with in 100 miles.
Last night I was reading an article on treatment that is being worked on in Cincinnati. A drug that was discovered in 2002. 2002! The researchers are hoping it gets to a phase I clinical trial by mid-next year. The funding to push these things through just isn't there.
Don't get me wrong, Save the Ta-tas, Fight Like a Girl, wear your pink and wear it proud. BUT don't do it at the sacrifice of the pancreas, the colon, the liver, hundreds of pediatric cancer, lung cancer, brain cancer etc etc. We may not have the cute slogans but we have family members suffering. And suffering with little medical hope.
I have posted a link from Good Morning America a couple weeks ago. Patrick Swayze died of pancreatic cancer after battling 22 months. His wife was interviewed by Robin Roberts who is a breast cancer survivor. The interview highlights my point much better than I am doing in this post. Pancreatic cancer is where breast cancer was 20 years ago and it needs help. It needs marketing, it needs walks, it needs funding, it needs corporation to get behind it like breast cancer!
One day in the oncologist office it was pink out day. I asked one of the nurse when purple out day was. She didn't even realize that was the color for Pancreatic cancer, as she was treating my husband for the disease! Most people don't even know the color for pancreatic cancer but they know about the pink.
Again I am not dogging breast cancer fighters we just need to spread the love so that other cancer can share in the success.
Signs and symptoms of pancreatic cancer:
Well at least I am not the only one.
After I explained myself to the RN at the office she said "well it sounds like a good job for you."
Well I do look good in purple....
Disclaimer: this may be interpreted as one of those "politically incorrect" post. Might want to just skip it.
I have thought about this post for many weeks now, I have debated whether or not to even mention the subject but time and time again this subject gets under my skin. This is not to take away from anyone's cancer battle. My mom has two dear friends that battled cancer. One does victory laps in her beautiful pool in her backyard and one does victory laps in heaven. Every cancer fighter deserves medals for their bravery.
It seems just taboo to even mention this...
Here's the thing. There are pink ribbons ON EVERYTHING. I have a bag of Sun chips that is pink in the pantry, Energizer batteries, if it stands still long enough in a store someone is going to stick a pink ribbon on it. Susan G. Komen has mastered the way to market a disease. Susan died in the late 70s and her sister was in marketing and made it her pledge to help fund breast cancer so that they could find a cure. And man did she do it!! Don't get me wrong, thank goodness she did. They have found ways to treat breast cancer and more importantly they have promoted preventing it. BUT breast cancer isn't the only cancer that is out there. If pancreatic cancer received a 10th of the funding that breast cancer did they may have better answers for us.
This hasn't just been on my mind since Craig was diagnosed, it was just a smaller soap box at the time. I worked with a local hospital several years back on the marketing of their new heart health unit. Did you know that heart disease is the number one killer of women, not breast cancer? If you want to support women's health throw your money on educating women how they can keep their hearts healthy. That is much easier to solve than a disease that comes out of no where at times.
When Craig was first diagnosed I found a website that said that pancreatic cancer was so underfunded for several reasons. One of the main ones was the fact that it was so hard to prevent since the pancreas is hidden behind a couple organs. The symptoms are not alarming until they persist or jaundice surfaces and then it is normally in late stages. The other reason is there are not "spokespeople" out there to help move the research along. With the odds that go along with the disease there isn't much of a "team" to join. There are two walks in Louisville alone that support breast cancer. There isn't one to support any GI cancers with in 100 miles.
Last night I was reading an article on treatment that is being worked on in Cincinnati. A drug that was discovered in 2002. 2002! The researchers are hoping it gets to a phase I clinical trial by mid-next year. The funding to push these things through just isn't there.
Don't get me wrong, Save the Ta-tas, Fight Like a Girl, wear your pink and wear it proud. BUT don't do it at the sacrifice of the pancreas, the colon, the liver, hundreds of pediatric cancer, lung cancer, brain cancer etc etc. We may not have the cute slogans but we have family members suffering. And suffering with little medical hope.
I have posted a link from Good Morning America a couple weeks ago. Patrick Swayze died of pancreatic cancer after battling 22 months. His wife was interviewed by Robin Roberts who is a breast cancer survivor. The interview highlights my point much better than I am doing in this post. Pancreatic cancer is where breast cancer was 20 years ago and it needs help. It needs marketing, it needs walks, it needs funding, it needs corporation to get behind it like breast cancer!
One day in the oncologist office it was pink out day. I asked one of the nurse when purple out day was. She didn't even realize that was the color for Pancreatic cancer, as she was treating my husband for the disease! Most people don't even know the color for pancreatic cancer but they know about the pink.
Again I am not dogging breast cancer fighters we just need to spread the love so that other cancer can share in the success.
Signs and symptoms of pancreatic cancer:
- Upper abdominal pain that may radiate to your back
- Yellowing of your skin and the whites of your eyes (jaundice)
- Loss of appetite
- Weight loss
- Depression
- Blood clots
Well at least I am not the only one.
After I explained myself to the RN at the office she said "well it sounds like a good job for you."
Well I do look good in purple....
Faith sermon
http://www.southeastchristian.org/?page=3476&project=80354&program=311242
This is an amazing sermon from this past weekend. Kyle is beyond talented and a huge blessing to the SECC church family. The first night after they found the mass in Craig's pancreas he said either way this goes, it will be fine. This sermon is just that, having the strength to have the faith that either way it goes, it will be fine.
Thanks Kyle for writing a sermon that spoke directly to us, it was like we were the only ones in the sanctuary.
We are praying everyday that we are in group 1 and we know that God has the ability for us to be there. To be the unexplained: The CT scan that shouldn't be clear but is. We pray that we can be in THAT group. We will praise regardless but we NEED to be in group 1. For Emily, Morgan and Hannah we need to be in group 1.
This is an amazing sermon from this past weekend. Kyle is beyond talented and a huge blessing to the SECC church family. The first night after they found the mass in Craig's pancreas he said either way this goes, it will be fine. This sermon is just that, having the strength to have the faith that either way it goes, it will be fine.
Thanks Kyle for writing a sermon that spoke directly to us, it was like we were the only ones in the sanctuary.
We are praying everyday that we are in group 1 and we know that God has the ability for us to be there. To be the unexplained: The CT scan that shouldn't be clear but is. We pray that we can be in THAT group. We will praise regardless but we NEED to be in group 1. For Emily, Morgan and Hannah we need to be in group 1.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Santa, Cheerleaders, Talking Mouse, God, Deck & Banana Berry
This is what I did this weekend. It was jampacked, I survived and had a good time. Friday night we made it to Light Up the Summit which has been an annual trip with friends for maybe the past 5 years now. We got a family picture taken with Santa Clause. The girls, all 3 of them, asked Santa for a Barbie SUV that they all can fit in and drive. I'm thinking Santa will pull through for the fam this year and deliver their request. I was too excited to see him myself and I forgot to ask him for a new pancreas. On Saturday, we made it to the UofL game and got to move down to the good seats where my cousins have tickets in the front row of the crunch zone. We made it as a family minus Hannah who hung with Mimi for the afternoon. The girls loved sitting right in front of the cheerleaders which was their main attraction. Emily spent most of the game doing her cheerleader which was standing on my legs and doing her Cards cheer (which wasn't easy because Michelle has already brainwashed her the other way) and then jumping in the air while I caught her. Emily and Morgan both got to get high fives from the Cardinal Bird which was pretty cool. UofL lost but I don't sweat the outcome as much as I used to; they need to beat Rutgers next week though. Saturday evening was Emily and me going to Chuckie Cheese to celebrate my niece Ashleigh's birthday. We were there for 2.5 hours eating and mostly playing games. Emily had a blast with her cousins which was enough to get me through the evening. She turned her tickets in at the end of the night for Pop Rocks candy which she hasn't tried before. Sunday morning was the family trip to church. The sermon today was written directly to us or at least it seemed. I think we'll have a different post regarding this topic. Sunday afternoon was receiving a visit from a couple of friends that actually decided to live in Lexington after UK rather than come back to the big city. Josh and Kelly did bring me a cool new Bears shirt fresh from Soldier Field last weekend (Thanks again!). This late afternoon and evening was some male bonding as Brent very graciously helped me get a start on staining my deck. Tomorrow is probably the last warm day of the year so we are going to get as far as we can. If anybody is not working tomorrow and needs something to do, give me a shout :) The evening is concluding with a run to Graeters to try their real fruit smoothies. I endorse trying the Banana Berry. I will tell you the secret that it is made with a handful of real strawberries, a whole banana minus the peel and strawberry sorbet. I have been excited to feeling "up" for all of these things this weekend and it was definitely a success. I still have 9 whole days before the next treatment so I'm going to keep on moving.
Friday, November 19, 2010
back in scriptures
When I did talk with Dr. Hamm yesterday he said they will do a CT scan before the 4th treatment in December. And they will pull tumor marker numbers at the next treatment on the 30th. I still don't understand what a tumor marker is but I guess I will ask on the 30th rather than searching the internet.
After days of looking for answers that I really don't want to hear (I guess) I am back in the scriptures. After not getting the answers I wanted on the internet and from the oncologist office I am going back to God. His answers seem so vague right now. I guess I need to just keep asking and keep talking.
Scriptures of consistent hope and love should be good enough but with an anxious heart looking for guarantees nothing seems to be enough. God is the only guarantee that I have. He will be there. That should be enough but I selfishly want a guarantee that I will have a husband and dad for my kids.
Pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:17-18
Do not fear...do not let your hands hang limp. The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:16-17
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9
After days of looking for answers that I really don't want to hear (I guess) I am back in the scriptures. After not getting the answers I wanted on the internet and from the oncologist office I am going back to God. His answers seem so vague right now. I guess I need to just keep asking and keep talking.
Scriptures of consistent hope and love should be good enough but with an anxious heart looking for guarantees nothing seems to be enough. God is the only guarantee that I have. He will be there. That should be enough but I selfishly want a guarantee that I will have a husband and dad for my kids.
Pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:17-18
Do not fear...do not let your hands hang limp. The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:16-17
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
a post you probably don't want to read - i'm not crazy, just down in the dumps
I haven't posted a lot this week b/c although this has been a good week physically for Craig, emotionally this is a nightmare for me. The shock wore off and Polly positive worn down to nothing. Although I am so grateful that Craig's chemo side effects were kept at bay and we figure that all out, it still doesn't take away from the fact that my husband has cancer. Not just cancer but stage 4 cancer. The weeks that he is down with chemo it is just me. I can physically do it, bath nights and bedtime aren't bad, it is a lot, but it is really not the logistics that get me down. I miss my husband and he is right here. I am so far ahead of myself right now but it is hard to stay day to day. Fear crept in every time I think this is tough by myself.
Our house has always been 50/50 or 100/100 if you get right down to it. Craig isn't the husband that just works and comes home to his "castle'. He helps with the laundry, changes diapers, reads to little girls before they go to sleep etc etc. He bathed them when I was pregnant with Hannah even know he hates doing baths.When I am up against deadlines at work he does what needs to be done, cleans up the kitchen after dinner, cleans bathrooms, runs to Kroger, whatever. We fill in for each other with little direction. We are still working on the dance but it was close to perfection or at least tolerable.
I have known him since I was 18. 18! I was still a teenager! We have history. We have a life and it has been interrupted. It is fine to get off track for a couple months but the chances of this just being a couple months is little and that scares me. I don't want to live in cancer world. I don't even want to visit but it looks like we have no choice. I feel like I have no choices in anything any more.
The day before he went into the hospital we were talking in the kitchen about how tired he was. He said that he was actually looking forward to seeing the doctor to see what is wrong and be able to get some answers why he has been so tired. He said that he wanted to be able to help around the house and not have to go to bed early and not spend time together. He was looking forward to having answers and a solution. I told him that I was looking forward to having him back. And then I said it the statement that now haunts me. I said "I have never been happier in my whole life." I said it b/c I wanted him to feel good enough to be able to say it too. And I meant it. Hannah was our last baby and was happy to have pregnancy behind me. I was happy to have a complete family. Hannah is the most joyful baby. She has been an absolute delight from day one. I had actually finally figured out how to breastfeed and I was just enjoying every little moment with this new life b/c it was going to my last baby. Emily and Morgan are wonderful and it has always been a blessing to watch their relationship. I have never in my life seen a relationship so close as sisters. They are the ultimate ying and yang. What one doesn't have the other does and they are an amazing team to witness. I have an great house in a great neighborhood, with great a school system. I have a great job that I love with a set up that keeps me challenged but I still have the flexibility to be able to take care of my family first. I have amazing friends that go back 15+ years. I have family that helps me out with everything and love my girls. And I have an amazing husband. He supports me in all that I do. We are on the same page most of the time and he is an amazing leader in our house. We love to worship God and we love our church. I had everything, I guess I still do but it is tough right now. I read that poem that Cheryl posted on one of the first post and she is right cancer can't take all that away but it sure does feel like it right now. I feel like our whole life is cancer right now and the worst part is we are unsure of the light at the end of the tunnel. Is it in six months? after a surgery they won't even talk about as a possibility right now? Or will we ever have a light at the end of the tunnel? Will this go on for the rest of our lives? Craig's life? See what I mean by getting too far ahead? I'm a planner, that is what I do. But this is a whole new beast. It takes your plans and laughs at them.
I have just been in a tailspin for a couple days. A dear friend helped me sort through my questions for over an hour last night so that I could at least call the oncologist office with some logical (sane) questions. Craig and I combed through so much information and stayed day to day after the diagnosis to decide on a treatment plan that I really don't know the schedule and what to expect from it. I hope to get some answers tomorrow when they call back. It was good to just to touch base with someone rather than sitting at the computer looking for answers and just finding more to worry about rather than answers.
I am just in a valley right now. There are hills and valleys in life and we have hit a valley. It is even harder to sit in this valley and think about a statement "I have never been happier in my whole life" said that day before such a horrible diagnosis. I actually googled the stages of grieff to see what was next b/c this one sucks. Negotiation, oh good, I am great at negotiating except when I don't I don't get my way so it sounds like I will land me a seat in anger for a little while now. grreeat.
Sorry for the crappy post. It is extremely therapeutic to get it out there but I know this is all to hard to hear. this is just tough. I want a plan and I want guarantees and cancer comes with neither. I know that if I will let it this situation will bring me to a new level of faith but I know what I want, I want my life back. I want my close to perfect life back. I want my cancer-free life back. It is hard to look beyond that right now.
Our house has always been 50/50 or 100/100 if you get right down to it. Craig isn't the husband that just works and comes home to his "castle'. He helps with the laundry, changes diapers, reads to little girls before they go to sleep etc etc. He bathed them when I was pregnant with Hannah even know he hates doing baths.When I am up against deadlines at work he does what needs to be done, cleans up the kitchen after dinner, cleans bathrooms, runs to Kroger, whatever. We fill in for each other with little direction. We are still working on the dance but it was close to perfection or at least tolerable.
I have known him since I was 18. 18! I was still a teenager! We have history. We have a life and it has been interrupted. It is fine to get off track for a couple months but the chances of this just being a couple months is little and that scares me. I don't want to live in cancer world. I don't even want to visit but it looks like we have no choice. I feel like I have no choices in anything any more.
The day before he went into the hospital we were talking in the kitchen about how tired he was. He said that he was actually looking forward to seeing the doctor to see what is wrong and be able to get some answers why he has been so tired. He said that he wanted to be able to help around the house and not have to go to bed early and not spend time together. He was looking forward to having answers and a solution. I told him that I was looking forward to having him back. And then I said it the statement that now haunts me. I said "I have never been happier in my whole life." I said it b/c I wanted him to feel good enough to be able to say it too. And I meant it. Hannah was our last baby and was happy to have pregnancy behind me. I was happy to have a complete family. Hannah is the most joyful baby. She has been an absolute delight from day one. I had actually finally figured out how to breastfeed and I was just enjoying every little moment with this new life b/c it was going to my last baby. Emily and Morgan are wonderful and it has always been a blessing to watch their relationship. I have never in my life seen a relationship so close as sisters. They are the ultimate ying and yang. What one doesn't have the other does and they are an amazing team to witness. I have an great house in a great neighborhood, with great a school system. I have a great job that I love with a set up that keeps me challenged but I still have the flexibility to be able to take care of my family first. I have amazing friends that go back 15+ years. I have family that helps me out with everything and love my girls. And I have an amazing husband. He supports me in all that I do. We are on the same page most of the time and he is an amazing leader in our house. We love to worship God and we love our church. I had everything, I guess I still do but it is tough right now. I read that poem that Cheryl posted on one of the first post and she is right cancer can't take all that away but it sure does feel like it right now. I feel like our whole life is cancer right now and the worst part is we are unsure of the light at the end of the tunnel. Is it in six months? after a surgery they won't even talk about as a possibility right now? Or will we ever have a light at the end of the tunnel? Will this go on for the rest of our lives? Craig's life? See what I mean by getting too far ahead? I'm a planner, that is what I do. But this is a whole new beast. It takes your plans and laughs at them.
I have just been in a tailspin for a couple days. A dear friend helped me sort through my questions for over an hour last night so that I could at least call the oncologist office with some logical (sane) questions. Craig and I combed through so much information and stayed day to day after the diagnosis to decide on a treatment plan that I really don't know the schedule and what to expect from it. I hope to get some answers tomorrow when they call back. It was good to just to touch base with someone rather than sitting at the computer looking for answers and just finding more to worry about rather than answers.
I am just in a valley right now. There are hills and valleys in life and we have hit a valley. It is even harder to sit in this valley and think about a statement "I have never been happier in my whole life" said that day before such a horrible diagnosis. I actually googled the stages of grieff to see what was next b/c this one sucks. Negotiation, oh good, I am great at negotiating except when I don't I don't get my way so it sounds like I will land me a seat in anger for a little while now. grreeat.
Sorry for the crappy post. It is extremely therapeutic to get it out there but I know this is all to hard to hear. this is just tough. I want a plan and I want guarantees and cancer comes with neither. I know that if I will let it this situation will bring me to a new level of faith but I know what I want, I want my life back. I want my close to perfect life back. I want my cancer-free life back. It is hard to look beyond that right now.
Hidden Valley Ranch with a side of Ranch dip
Many people have asked if they could do dinners. We have an amazing friend, Janelle Richardson, that volunteered on day 2 to coordinate meals. I don't think that she knew what she was getting into when she took the title VP of dinners.
Anyway she has us set up on a website http://www.takethemameal.com/. name: merimee password: uk
We have been so blessed with so many friends wanting to help out. This has been such a load off. Here's the thing my kids don't eat a lot. For example, Morgan had four carrots the other night for dinner, yes four carrots. Of course, that is ridiculous but Dr. Phil says that if you do food battles then it can lead to eating disorders. (insert sarcastic font here). Anyway my point is don't feel like you have to do an elaborate meal. They are not use to that b/c I am no master chef by any stretch. We eat a lot of veggies dipped in Ranch, (Morgan dips everything in ranch dressing hence the title of this post.) salads, baked chicken, easy pastas. Keep it simply.
At a later date we may visit a nutritionist for Craig to see what are some easy to digest food that will pack the pounds that he has lost. More on that when we get around to it.
Thanks for the support and all the prayers. We couldn't do this without the support system that we have.
Anyway she has us set up on a website http://www.takethemameal.com/. name: merimee password: uk
We have been so blessed with so many friends wanting to help out. This has been such a load off. Here's the thing my kids don't eat a lot. For example, Morgan had four carrots the other night for dinner, yes four carrots. Of course, that is ridiculous but Dr. Phil says that if you do food battles then it can lead to eating disorders. (insert sarcastic font here). Anyway my point is don't feel like you have to do an elaborate meal. They are not use to that b/c I am no master chef by any stretch. We eat a lot of veggies dipped in Ranch, (Morgan dips everything in ranch dressing hence the title of this post.) salads, baked chicken, easy pastas. Keep it simply.
At a later date we may visit a nutritionist for Craig to see what are some easy to digest food that will pack the pounds that he has lost. More on that when we get around to it.
Thanks for the support and all the prayers. We couldn't do this without the support system that we have.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Day #5 after treatment #2
This time around has been better. I've kept nauseau at bay and only got sick once. We were able to stay ahead of the game which is key. As Michelle has pointed out, fatigue is the #1 mental and physical challenge. It is a very big challenge being worn down when you are lying down, when you are sitting up and also when standing. The fatigue is caused by the war going on inside my body between chemo and my cells. I keep telling myself 'Wednesday' because I should be closer to par as far as feeling good. I hate complaining when I shouldn't be complaining, it's just still hard. Each hour I have to mentally decide to fight through the tiredness and either eat something, or empty the dishwasher or fold towels or play wii, etc. I'm trying hard to stop complaining to Michelle too about being tired, that's my other struggle as well. I am enthused about having a little extra time off this go round, November 30 is my next treatment day (because of the holidays and our request). Beginning Nov 30th, I'll be on a every other Tuesday plan through April. It's weird to schedule out that far in advance but it tells me a lot. I should be good for Christmas and Emily's b-day; I'll have a treatment on Morgan's bday in Feb :(. Of course, things, treatments or whatever could change between now and then. On another note, I've got the UofL West Virginia circled on my calendar this Saturday as a game I'd like to get to with the Michelle and the girls (minus Hannah). We'll see if we can make it. It should be in the high 50's or 60 for the game so that part sounds reasonable. I'm looking forward to Christmas shopping and I have never said that before. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving and seeing mine and Michelle's family. We will not be hosting so that's a plus. Not much else going on, just waiting for Wednesday I guess. I made it to church this past weekend which was good. They played one of my favorite songs, the one that sticks in my head about every day. Favorite Line: "I can see a light that is coming for the hand that holds on, and there will be an end to these troubles, but until that day comes, still I will praise You." I still have plenty to be thankful and that is why I will keep praising; I've been given so much and for that I am thankful.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
fatigue fatigue fatigue
It is a new day. The plumbing is fixed and bathrooms are all good. thankfully!
Yesterday ended up being a more than frustrating day and I will spare you the whiny details of stupid mistake with the port that landed us in the doctor's office but all is well now.
Neulasta (sp?) shot was taken care of this morning by the same nurse that thought I was the world's most horrible wife. She said he looked so much better this time around. And he does. He has been doing a little bit here and a little bit there, folding a little laundry, heating up his own lunch, taking out the trash, etc. It just takes more effort when he is so tired. He is so thankful that he is not nausea that he is glad to push himself a bit more this time. He is not eating a lot but is eating so that is a HUGE plus. We are so thankful for the (ridiculously) warm weather so that he doesn't have to worry about the cold air and that crazy side effect. He has lost a lot of weight since this all began but he has until 11/30 until the next treatment so he has time to try to pack on as much as he can to get his strength up.
Since he has extra time that gives us a chance to enjoy Thanksgiving and hopefully get some Christmas things done before it gets too late in the month.
It makes me nervous to delay the chemo treatment and get off track a couple days but I know they wouldn't have let us do it if it would have compromised the possible success of the treatment. Still makes me nervous.
We are grateful for minimal side effects and we are still trying to stay positive but I have to say the more we get into this the more it sinks in what our "new life" is. I walked down the hall in the oncologist office Wednesday and saw "Merimee" on the board with his room number and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My husband's name is on the wipey board at an ONCOLOGIST office. Yuck. This sucks. Then as I walked down the hall passing different exam rooms, conference rooms: that is the room we were waiting on billirubin results, that is the room we talked about the clinical trial and went through a stack of other possible clinical trials from other cancer centers, that is the conference room we talked about the Folifox regime and the side effects. This is no longer a crappy event in our lives but part of our history. I still pray that it is just six months of our life and then we get to get back to our normal but none the less the next six months are on again off again side effects, blood work, port accesses and de-accesses, more questions with everyday, will it work? After all this will it work? All we can do is pray that it does and take it day by day. Some days are going bad and some days will be fine. I know everyday that the Lord is carrying us through this just as the poem footprints states. I ask myself everyday, why are we not completely falling apart? footprints. He is carrying us through.
He has given us the world's most wonderful friends that spend hours on the phone talking about the most depressing subjects and they take my kids at the drop of a hat when I have to run anywhere and can't or don't want to drag three kids with me.
I'm tired and he is exhausted but it is wonderful to have a God bigger than this cancer and amazing friends to walk along side as He carries us through this.
Yesterday ended up being a more than frustrating day and I will spare you the whiny details of stupid mistake with the port that landed us in the doctor's office but all is well now.
Neulasta (sp?) shot was taken care of this morning by the same nurse that thought I was the world's most horrible wife. She said he looked so much better this time around. And he does. He has been doing a little bit here and a little bit there, folding a little laundry, heating up his own lunch, taking out the trash, etc. It just takes more effort when he is so tired. He is so thankful that he is not nausea that he is glad to push himself a bit more this time. He is not eating a lot but is eating so that is a HUGE plus. We are so thankful for the (ridiculously) warm weather so that he doesn't have to worry about the cold air and that crazy side effect. He has lost a lot of weight since this all began but he has until 11/30 until the next treatment so he has time to try to pack on as much as he can to get his strength up.
Since he has extra time that gives us a chance to enjoy Thanksgiving and hopefully get some Christmas things done before it gets too late in the month.
It makes me nervous to delay the chemo treatment and get off track a couple days but I know they wouldn't have let us do it if it would have compromised the possible success of the treatment. Still makes me nervous.
We are grateful for minimal side effects and we are still trying to stay positive but I have to say the more we get into this the more it sinks in what our "new life" is. I walked down the hall in the oncologist office Wednesday and saw "Merimee" on the board with his room number and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My husband's name is on the wipey board at an ONCOLOGIST office. Yuck. This sucks. Then as I walked down the hall passing different exam rooms, conference rooms: that is the room we were waiting on billirubin results, that is the room we talked about the clinical trial and went through a stack of other possible clinical trials from other cancer centers, that is the conference room we talked about the Folifox regime and the side effects. This is no longer a crappy event in our lives but part of our history. I still pray that it is just six months of our life and then we get to get back to our normal but none the less the next six months are on again off again side effects, blood work, port accesses and de-accesses, more questions with everyday, will it work? After all this will it work? All we can do is pray that it does and take it day by day. Some days are going bad and some days will be fine. I know everyday that the Lord is carrying us through this just as the poem footprints states. I ask myself everyday, why are we not completely falling apart? footprints. He is carrying us through.
He has given us the world's most wonderful friends that spend hours on the phone talking about the most depressing subjects and they take my kids at the drop of a hat when I have to run anywhere and can't or don't want to drag three kids with me.
I'm tired and he is exhausted but it is wonderful to have a God bigger than this cancer and amazing friends to walk along side as He carries us through this.
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied,
“The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
Thursday, November 11, 2010
You can either laugh or cry
I chose to laugh until about 7:00 tonight, let it just wasn't funny any more.
Craig is doing about a billion times better this time. He is eating, he is around house, he is talking without feeling like he is going to throw up. He can keep his eyes open without throwing up.We took a walk in the neighborhood this afternoon since it was so nice out. all great things.
What is wrong is the darn (a different word was used this evening) plumbing in this house. The tub backed up into the toilets and than the toilets backed up into the other bathtub. Awesome. let me tell ya, awesome. grrrrrr
We are so thankful that Craig is doing so much better this time around. He was much stronger going into the treatment and they had a much better plan at the office during his treatments. He is looking forward to home health coming tomorrow afternoon so he can be "cordless"
And I am looking forward to the plumber coming! grrrrr
Craig is doing about a billion times better this time. He is eating, he is around house, he is talking without feeling like he is going to throw up. He can keep his eyes open without throwing up.We took a walk in the neighborhood this afternoon since it was so nice out. all great things.
What is wrong is the darn (a different word was used this evening) plumbing in this house. The tub backed up into the toilets and than the toilets backed up into the other bathtub. Awesome. let me tell ya, awesome. grrrrrr
We are so thankful that Craig is doing so much better this time around. He was much stronger going into the treatment and they had a much better plan at the office during his treatments. He is looking forward to home health coming tomorrow afternoon so he can be "cordless"
And I am looking forward to the plumber coming! grrrrr
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
so far so good
just tired but not sick...
ate a little dinner which is tons better than last time.
he is up watching TV and not sleeping
in the living room rather than in bed so sick
much better than last time so far....
keep praying for the side effects to be kept at bay.
ate a little dinner which is tons better than last time.
he is up watching TV and not sleeping
in the living room rather than in bed so sick
much better than last time so far....
keep praying for the side effects to be kept at bay.
second drip doing okay
he is a bit tired and groggy now but not sick so I think this is a good start. Please pray this continues and tomorrow he is not down and out like last time.
home health will be here in a few with the take home drip. someone asked me if that was on an IV pole like in the hospital. No, it is a little ball that is attached to the port and then the ball goes in his pocket. He can't shower with it but other than that it just goes along with him.
ever time I image an IV pole in the house I can visualize Morgan trying to dangle from the top. she wouldn't but she would think about it. :)
home health will be here in a few with the take home drip. someone asked me if that was on an IV pole like in the hospital. No, it is a little ball that is attached to the port and then the ball goes in his pocket. He can't shower with it but other than that it just goes along with him.
ever time I image an IV pole in the house I can visualize Morgan trying to dangle from the top. she wouldn't but she would think about it. :)
characters around here
Today's RN is in full nurse gear, not scrubs but the old fashion WHITE WHITE WHITE uniform dress, white panty hose, white shoes, and box hat. We walked in and thought did she miss Halloween? Well come to find out she is boycotting the new Norton nurse's uniform rules. Apparently they decided that they can only wear blue scrubs and she doesn't like it so she said that she was going back to the white uniform. interesting...
Each day before Halloween they had a different theme in the office. The day that they decided on a treatment plan (the day of the tornado) was "dress like an animal" day. So when the RN was explaining the side effects of each of Craig's chemo drug she was dress as a bunny. yep a bunny. she had the ears on and when she would nod her head in agreement they would nod back and forth on top of her head. She had painted her nose black and drew whiskers on her face. interesting...
The first chemo treatment was a couple days later and it was dress pink day. So the same RN that was a bunny 2 or 3 days prior now had pink knee socks pulled up to her knees.
everyone is ridiculously smart here and they are extremely good at what they do but you just never know what they might be wearing. it really doesn't matter what they are wearing but I thought it was funny.
always interesting at the oncologist office...
I am just babbling b/c I am bored and I can blog or work on 3rd Quarter post buy analysis. blah.
Each day before Halloween they had a different theme in the office. The day that they decided on a treatment plan (the day of the tornado) was "dress like an animal" day. So when the RN was explaining the side effects of each of Craig's chemo drug she was dress as a bunny. yep a bunny. she had the ears on and when she would nod her head in agreement they would nod back and forth on top of her head. She had painted her nose black and drew whiskers on her face. interesting...
The first chemo treatment was a couple days later and it was dress pink day. So the same RN that was a bunny 2 or 3 days prior now had pink knee socks pulled up to her knees.
everyone is ridiculously smart here and they are extremely good at what they do but you just never know what they might be wearing. it really doesn't matter what they are wearing but I thought it was funny.
always interesting at the oncologist office...
I am just babbling b/c I am bored and I can blog or work on 3rd Quarter post buy analysis. blah.
treatment day
We are down here at Norton Oncology. They took blood and we are waiting for those results to come back. I think they are just doing a white blood cell count to make sure he can take the chemo. We were hoping to see about the billirubin count b/c one theory says that if that goes down then the tumor might have shrunk causing the liver to drain properly and the billirubin to go down. But that is just a theory and apparently not an important one today.
People have been asking when they will do a test to see if the chemo is doing its job. The answer is: I'm not sure. We are assuming mid-way through the 6 months of treatment they will do a CT-scan to see if the tumor has shrunk but that is a question we need to ask Dr. Hamm.
We thought we were going to see Dr. Hamm today but he isn't in the office so a lot of our questions are on hold.
The immediate concern that we have today is how to get the nausea and other side effects under control since last time went horribly.
They seem to have put a plan in place to combat those issues. He has more nausea medicine before the second chemo so hopefully he won't get sick here. They increased the dosage of one nausea and replaced another with one that doesn't cause drowsiness. We shall see...it can't be as bad as last time, right? He is in better shape going into this chemo treatment than the last. He was still recovering from the stet surgery and still taking pain medicine etc. last time.
His blood counts came back and he is fine in all areas and can receive the chemo today.
We are still working on a schedule for the next time. If we went exactly two weeks it would be the day before Thanksgiving. Um, Happy Thanksgiving, here's a barf bag. So I think they are going to let him wait until the Monday or Tuesday of the following week. This of course will effect Christmas too. If they let us move it to Mondays then it would land on Emily's 5th birthday. That just made me want to cry. We were thinking of telling her that Sunday 12/12 was her birthday since she doesn't own a calendar but if they move it to Tuesdays then we would dodge Thanksgiving, Christmas and Emily's birthday. We shall see. Cancer seems to be a scheduling nightmare. We have too many good things going on to fit in cancer, apparently cancer doesn't care. 5th Birthdays are important. I asked her if she wanted to go to Chicago for her birthday and she asked if she could take her friends in her class. Scratch that idea.
They are starting the first bag of chemo. This one he breezed through last time.
Dear Lord,
Please let this chemo work your miracle and erase cancer from our lives.
I'll try to update again after lunch etc.
Pray for effective chemo with minimal side effects.
thanks for sticking with us. :)
People have been asking when they will do a test to see if the chemo is doing its job. The answer is: I'm not sure. We are assuming mid-way through the 6 months of treatment they will do a CT-scan to see if the tumor has shrunk but that is a question we need to ask Dr. Hamm.
We thought we were going to see Dr. Hamm today but he isn't in the office so a lot of our questions are on hold.
The immediate concern that we have today is how to get the nausea and other side effects under control since last time went horribly.
They seem to have put a plan in place to combat those issues. He has more nausea medicine before the second chemo so hopefully he won't get sick here. They increased the dosage of one nausea and replaced another with one that doesn't cause drowsiness. We shall see...it can't be as bad as last time, right? He is in better shape going into this chemo treatment than the last. He was still recovering from the stet surgery and still taking pain medicine etc. last time.
His blood counts came back and he is fine in all areas and can receive the chemo today.
We are still working on a schedule for the next time. If we went exactly two weeks it would be the day before Thanksgiving. Um, Happy Thanksgiving, here's a barf bag. So I think they are going to let him wait until the Monday or Tuesday of the following week. This of course will effect Christmas too. If they let us move it to Mondays then it would land on Emily's 5th birthday. That just made me want to cry. We were thinking of telling her that Sunday 12/12 was her birthday since she doesn't own a calendar but if they move it to Tuesdays then we would dodge Thanksgiving, Christmas and Emily's birthday. We shall see. Cancer seems to be a scheduling nightmare. We have too many good things going on to fit in cancer, apparently cancer doesn't care. 5th Birthdays are important. I asked her if she wanted to go to Chicago for her birthday and she asked if she could take her friends in her class. Scratch that idea.
They are starting the first bag of chemo. This one he breezed through last time.
Dear Lord,
Please let this chemo work your miracle and erase cancer from our lives.
I'll try to update again after lunch etc.
Pray for effective chemo with minimal side effects.
thanks for sticking with us. :)
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
what a pain
Craig is in some pain today. It started last night after dinner and got worse as the night went on. He took his pain medicine but woke up a couple times throughout the night. Who knows what it is. It could be a lingering sign effect from the chemo, it could be too much food sitting on a cancerous tumor or a placed stet. I guess we will find out more tomorrow when we go to the oncologist for the second round of chemo. It sucks that his last "good" day this week is a rough one.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Good Weekend
It has been a good weekend. It's been day and night when compared to the days after the treatment. I drove a car for the first time in a month since I drove myself to the hospital back on Oct 4th. I've been off all meds the last few days which has allowed me to drive. I've probably felt better the last few days since this all started to go down. Things will change Wednesday but I take a lot of comfort knowing I've got good days ahead of me. I still have discomfort in my upper abdomen that stays pretty steady. It can be hard sleeping at times as I can really only sleep on my back and be comfortable without the pain. I still get tired if I do a whole lot. I was able to finish my coaching duties for Morgan's last soccer game on Saturday morning. Coaching is basically running around the field and keeping the 3 year olds running in the right direction. I loved being the coach and was only able to "coach" in a few games. Michelle and I got to have date night on Saturday evening which consisted of church and a dinner at PF Changs with the Breit's. Today I got to hang out with friends and watch the Bears win another game. I am happy right now and 100% positive and am thoroughly enjoying these "feel good" days. I hope I'm not getting ahead of myself right now but my attitude has a hardly a doubt I can beat this. I expect to beat this. I am relieved to know I have time to build myself up for these treatments. I feel like my body is building itself back up as this was a major concern of mine. I don't have a whole lot scheduled for the next 2 days. I will try to eat as much as possible to get some meat back on me before I have to starve for a few days. I got a book at church Saturday that I can read and get myself mentally ready for the treatment as well. It's titled 5 Minutes in the Bible for Men. My reading attention span isn't always the best and this book will allow me to take some rich application that I can apply to my situation now. I do a lot of praying after the treatment and a lot of of it has to do with keeping things down. Sorry for the honesty. I realize these horrible drugs are going to hopefully save my life so I do my best to keep things in perspective. Again, thanks for all the thoughts and prayers out there, we're taking them.